A/N: Sorry for the wait.

Here's the new chapter. It's a bit angsty and sad. Try not to hate me too much. If you'd like to get in the mood, I suggest Hozier – Take Me to Church. I was listening to it while writing this and my God, the emotions!

Also, this is possibly the longest chapter of HGC, more than 2500 words!

Sorry for typos and mistakes.

Happy reading :3

I Kept My Heart Under Control

The days following her big epiphany and her talk with Wendy were pretty hard for Tara.

She just couldn't wrap her head around the possibility that she could be feeling something for Jax. It was ludicrous. Absolutely crazy.

She was in denial, forcing herself to forget all about it, forbidding herself to even consider that option.

Because, how could she possibly be in love with someone she didn't know? Yes, they spent some time together and yes, they talked. But none of those talks was serious enough to make her feel something for him.

Maybe it was just physical attraction. Of course, that must be it.

She was thinking a lot about his physique so it was only natural to doubt that something might be happening with her psyche.

He was a good looking man. What woman wouldn't be turned on by him, seriously?

One that is engaged, Tara. That is why you shouldn't be thinking about him.

Her conscience was conflicted and it drove Tara mad.

After her talk with Wendy, she never once went to the club. She let Donna take care of everything. She even contemplated about cancelling the whole thing, but Donna wouldn't let her.

So, Tara gladly handed her over the reins.

On the other hand, she locked herself in the house and opted to use cleaning as her therapy.

She scrubbed the house from top to bottom, washed everything, vacuumed, did the dishes, washed the windows, watered the plants, cleaned the cupboards and stocked the fridge with ice cream.

Then, taking one of the ice cream boxes with chocolate-cherry flavour, she went into the bedroom, turned on the TV and found some cheesy rom-com to watch, founding it easier to worry about someone else's love problems.

...

Three hours later, she was woken up by Neal, who was whispering something in her ear while kissing her neck.

-"Are you awake yet?"

Tara yawned, turning to face him. He had the most adorable smile on his face and he was looking at her with those puppy eyes, that the guilt she felt only increased.

-"Hi. Why are you home so early?"- asked Tara sitting up, running her fingers through her tangled hair.

Neal chuckled kissing her cheek.

-"Tara, it's almost eight."

She looked at the clock on her nightstand and sure enough, it was eight o'clock. That meant she slept... five hours straight.

-"Wow. I'm must've dozed out after the movie ended."- she said turning to Neal.

-"Why don't you freshen up? I'm downstairs with Donna. She's adamant in watching The Avengers. Apparently she has a thing for Tom Hiddleston." - he said with a chuckle.

-"Sure. I'll be there in five."

Neal gave her a peck on the cheek and left the room.

Tara went to the bathroom and splashed some water on her face, combed her hair and made a braid.

Before she went downstairs she checked her phone for missed calls or messages.

She was surprised to see seven missed calls and four messages from Jax.

Her hands were shaking and her heart beating like crazy as she opened and read the messages.

They all said the same: He was worried about her since he hadn't seen her in three days. He was asking if she was ok and if she needed anything. He added he wanted to talk to her.

Wendy's words kept playing in her mind

Just talk to him. Do it for him and for yourself. Don't lead him on.

Her finger hovered over the reply icon.

Should she talk to him? Yes, definitely.

But she didn't know what to say. How could she face him, when she wasn't even ready to face herself?

Still, a part of her knew that it would be better for both of them to resolve this issue as soon as possible.

So, exhaling deeply, she typed the message and sent it, then turned off her phone and went downstairs.

#########################################

Jax was sitting in the clubhouse with Thomas, talking about their lives.

It was a nice change, one which both of them seemed to enjoy. Jax talked about his training and fights, whereas Thomas talked about his college years and troubles he had got himself in, mostly because of dares.

Somehow, Jax steered the conversation in an unexpected direction.

He asked Thomas about Tara. What she was like, how they met, how long their relationship lasted.

Thomas gave him a quizzical look, but answered every of those questions.

Jax kept twisting his beard and biting his lip, keeping his jealousy in check. Or at least trying to.

But as Tommy began talking about some surprise vacation he and Tara went on, as his gift to her for her birthday, Jax kept clearing his throat, because his mouth was dry.

He had difficulty breathing as images of Tommy and Tara flashed in his mind.

Apparently, they went on a beach and spent three entire days swimming and sunbathing. Thomas talked about some pranks he pulled on Tara, but Jax stopped listening to him.

He imagined Tara in some bikini, lying on a towel, her eyes closed as she enjoyed the warm sun. Even in his imagination she was more beautiful than any other girl he ever met. He imagined his hands on her body, touching ever inch of her skin. He imagined whispering sweet words in her ear and her giggling at them, her eyes sparkling as she looked at him.

He gulped shaking his head. He was seriously going crazy.

Luckily, Gemma called Thomas and he got up and went to the bar, leaving Jax alone in his love ache.

The last three days were like hell for him. At least when she ignored him, she was still physically present in the bar and he could watch her from afar. Now, however, she robbed him of her presence and condemned him to these three days of absolute misery.

He didn't know if she was angry at him, or if she was ill, or if something happened to her. It was only thanks to Donna that he found out that she was in fact well, but just chose not to come to the clubhouse until everything was set.

And so, he called and called, wanting to talk to her, to hear her voice that he knew well would sooth the pain in his heart. But there was no response. He sent her three messages, but there was no answer either.

Not able to bear it any longer, he sent his fourth message to Tara, hoping that she would answer. Moments later, a message came in and he was grinning like a fool at the words she wrote.

Tomorrow morning, on the meadow where we ran into each other.

He remembered that morning like it was yesterday. He remembered what she wore, what she said, how her ponytail swung from side to side as she walked. He even remembered how she stretched in front of him, making him uncomfortable and painfully aware of his erection. She turned him on even then.

Jax couldn't wait to see her. Morning couldn't come fast enough.

##################################################

Jax got up at four a.m., after only an hour of sleep.

And even in his sleep, he kept thinking what their conversation was going to be like and what he would say and what she would reply.

Would she ridicule him if he told her about his feelings?

Would she laugh in his face?

Would she think him stupid for even considering the possibility of being with her?

Jax's doubts nested firmly in his mind and all he could do was get up and go to the damn meadow and wait for her to come.

...

He ran a few miles then slowed down when he approached the meadow. He started stretching to calm himself, but it was fruitless. So, he lay on the wet grass, crossed his hands on his abdomen and tried getting his breathing under control.

Closing his eyes for what seemed a second, Jax started going through his speech in his head. But, he fell asleep due to his exhaustion and insomnia.

...

He was woken up about fifteen minutes later by the most beautiful voice he ever heard.

-"Jax. Jax. Wake up." – she nudged him gently.

He opened his eyes and met the face of the woman that had been haunting his dreams ever since he met her. She smiled at him and he felt himself smiling back, unable to stay impassive around her. Her hair was down and some strand touched his face, tickling him.

He sat up, and only then did he notice that she was sitting beside him.

-"Hi." – she said hesitantly, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

-"Hi." – his answer was raspy, his eyes trained on her.

They sat there for a few moments just looking at each other. After the short silence, Jax was the first one to speak.

-"I want to tell you something."

Tara sighed, discomfort written all over her face. She was fidgeting with her fingers, avoiding looking him in the eyes.

-"Jax, please. I-I need to speak to you." - she said finally, lifting her gaze to meet his.

His heart sunk. By the look on her face, he already knew what she was going to say to him.

-"Tara, please. Just... Just let me say this." – he reached forward and took her hand. She quickly pulled it back.

-"Please, Jax. Don't. Don't say anything. Whatever you wanted to say, don't. It can't happen."

The smile on his face dropped. His lips were pressed in a hard line as he tried to push back the tears that seemed to be poking his eyeballs like thorns.

So, she knew what this was about. And she was rejecting him. But what was he expecting?

-"Tara, just hear me out." – he persisted, knowing that he couldn't carry this burden on his heart any longer.

-"No." – she said firmly. –"I came here to tell you that whatever you feel... What you think you feel-"

He interrupted her, anger clear in his voice.

-"What I think I feel? I don't think I feel anything. I know I feel. I know what I feel. I lo-"

-"Don't! Don't end that sentence!" – she dropped her head and covered her ears with her hands.

-"I love you! I fucking love you!" – he grabbed her hands and pulled them down. –"I love you. I don't know how or why this happened, but it did." – he yelled.

She lifted her head and he looked into his eyes. She was about to cry.

-"Jax. Don't do this. I'm begging you. Don't." – tears started streaming down her face, and fuck, they were stabbing his heart like knives.

He was still holding her hands. Unconsciously, he began drawing circles with his thumbs.

-"Why not? I can't take this anymore. I've been keeping this inside for more than a month now. I feel like I'm going crazy. Do you know I dream about you?"

Jax could have sworn he saw some spark in her eyes when he said that. He continued.

-"I feel like dying when I don't see you. I feel like getting drunk and just falling into oblivion, because I think that's the only way I could forget about you, your face, how you make me feel. And even that would be useless."

-"Jax-" – Tara pleaded.

-"No. Listen to me, goddamnit. Do you know what you did to me? How you hurt me? We were fine and you just stopped talking to me. Out of nowhere." – he stood up turning his back to her, grasping his head in his hands and closing his eyes, trying to compose himself.

-"And then Thomas comes and it's like you opened my chest and ripped my heart out. Fuck! Fuck!" – his screams startled her.

He turned to her again, still yelling angrily.

-"Then I see you with Neal and what you did... Fuck! I can't take this! And then you disappear for three days. I thought something happened to you."

Suddenly, Tara wiped her tears, got up and started yelling at him.

-"You, you, you! It's all about you! Well guess what, Teller? It hasn't been easy for me either! Don't you think I felt guilty for disappearing like that, for ignoring you? But I couldn't let you think that something's possible between us when it isn't . And stop making me feel guiltier than I already feel!" – she kept pushing him hard until his back hit a tree.

Rage was boiling in her veins, her lower lip trembling, her voice already breaking.

Jax's jaw twitched, a stern look on his face. Anger flashed in his eyes.

-"I know that it isn't possible. I just wanted to get it off my chest. And what do you need to feel guilty about? " – he asked with a scowl.

He saw her stepping back, a look of surprise on her face.

-"Tara?"

Her eyes were wide and her chest rose and fell in at an abnormal speed. He saw her gulp.

-"Tara?"

-"I don't know!" – she yelled. – "I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!" – she fell on her knees and started crying again. Small sobs escaped her lips and her whole body was shaking.

Jax approached her slowly and knelt before her. He moved her hair out of her face and cupped her cheek to lift her head.

-"Please, don't cry, Tara." – he begged, his voice also breaking as he too was on the verge of crying.

Jax just couldn't stand watching her like that. This wasn't his Tara. The woman before him seemed defeated and broken.

She placed her hand on his that was on her cheek and closed her eyes, taking a shaky breath.

-"My-My-" – she gasped for air, trying to finish her sentence. –"My heart hurts."

Jax cupped her face and forced her to look at him.

-"Breathe. Look at me, ok? Just breathe."

She was taking deep breaths, one at the time, until she finally calmed down.

-"I think I'm in love with you." – said Tara after she finally managed to catch her breath.

Jax's eyes went wide, his lips spreading in a wide grin. He began laughing, his hands still holding her face.

She started laughing with him, and soon their laughter became a beautiful melody that slowly eased Jax's heartache.

He leaned his forehead on hers when they stopped laughing and just enjoyed having her close. This time he didn't fear that he was too close to her or that he was overstepping it. He caressed her face, breathing in her cherry scent.

He had no idea he missed it that much.

-"I love you." – said Jax.

The words rolled off his tongue like he said them every day, but they actually held so much more. They conveyed all his pain, his guilt, his jealousy, every single emotion that had awoken when he met her.

These were three simple words which offered him comfort. The weight finally lifted off his chest.

Tara placed her hands on his shoulders, then wrapped them around his neck.

-"I think I love you too." – she pulled back and smiled weakly.

She leaned forward and Jax thought she was going to kiss him. Instead she kissed his cheek, and got up, leaving him dumbfounded.

She started walking towards the town line and Jax quickly got up and followed her.

-"Where're you going?" – asked Jax when he caught up with her.

-"Home." – she said without turning back.

-"But this-" – he began but she cut him off.

-"I can't start anything with you. I' won't hurt Neal like that."

Jax grabbed her arm, making her halt. She turned to face him.

-"What about us? Fucking hell Tara! I just told you I love you!"

-"I know what you said. I know what I said. But this isn't just about us and our feelings. There are other people involved and I won't make any hasty decisions."

Jax bit his tongue to stop himself form cursing. He just nodded.

They walked side by side back to the town, just like that morning several weeks before.

Only this time, things were different.

Or were they?

(This chapter was tense! Leave me some reviews. Love you all xoxo)