Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.
PROVIDENCE
CHAPTER 3
The midnight mess hall was quiet when Chakotay arrived there after finishing his shift. With the exception of Neelix, who was tidying up for the night, and a couple of ensigns, the place seemed empty.
"Commander Chakotay," Neelix smiled when he saw him, "you're just in time! I was just about to close up! What can I get you?"
"A hot chocolate would be good, thank you, Neelix."
"Then sit yourself down and I'll bring it over. How would you like it? Sweetened with cream and chocolate frost, unsweetened with cream and chocolate frost, sweetened with cream but no chocolate frost, unsweetened with cream but no..."
"Just a plain hot chocolate with two sugars," Chakotay interrupted.
"Are you sure, Commander? I've taken the liberty of whipping my own cream and it's..."
"I'm perfectly sure, Neelix."
The Talaxian sighed. "Then one plain hot chocolate with two sugars coming up."
With that Neelix left and Chakotay went to sit down. As he did, his eyes registered a lone figure sitting in a corner of the room and, on closer inspection, he saw that it was the Captain. She was sitting at a table, a silver cup before her, and was gazing out absently at the stars. Chakotay's heart went out to her as she looked so sad, so lonely, so troubled. Slowly, he made his way over to her.
"Hi," he said.
Kathryn came out of her daze and looked up at him. "Hi."
Without asking for permission, Chakotay sat opposite her. "You look troubled, Captain. Is everything alright?"
"That depends on your definition of alright," she replied. Tears filled her dusty blue eyes. "I'm pregnant."
Chakotay's eyes widened. "Pregnant?"
Kathryn nodded. "Twelve weeks."
"Captain...I...I don't know what to say."
"What is there to say? But apparently I'm not alone. Sarah Brunwell is expecting too." She paused. "Sarah's decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, rather than freeze the embryo, but I...I don't know what to do. There's no way I can captain this ship and have a baby, but freezing the embryo carries risks and..." her voice fell to a whisper. "It may be small but it's still a life."
Chakotay reached out and put his hand on hers. "Of course it is. And I think you're underestimating yourself. I think you can run this ship and be a mother. Other captains have done it."
Kathryn withdrew her hand. "But not in the delta quadrant. Who knows what dangers we face? I can't afford a distraction and a child...what bigger one could there be?"
"You can't be the captain every moment of every day for the next seventy five years. You need a life outside of duty. We all do. My people believe in a balance, a harmony. If there isn't that balance then we neither live or work to our full potential."
"With all due respect, Commander, your people weren't thinking of our situation when they came up with that philosophy." The words sounded harsh, even to her own ears, and she immediately regretted them. "I'm sorry," she said. "That was out of line"
"All I'm saying," Chakotay went on, "is that there is room in your life for a child. We can make room."
A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and she clumsily wiped it away. "I shouldn't have let this happen. I just... Mark and I were told our chances of having a baby together were very low, because of genetic incompatibility, so we didn't bother with birth control. If I got pregnant, we'd be happy, but if I didn't, then we'd either get fertility treatment after we were married or adopt." She paused. "This mission was only supposed to last three weeks. Getting stranded at the other side of the galaxy...or anywhere...never crossed my mind."
"How could it?" Chakotay said.
"But we are stranded and...and I've got to make a decision."
Chakotay was about to speak when Neelix came over.
"Here you are, Commander," he smiled, "one plain hot chocolate with two sugars."
"Thank you," Chakotay replied as Neelix placed the coffee before him.
"Anything else I can get you, Commander? All the cakes and cookies I've baked today are gone, all the bread rolls too, but I can replicate whatever you want."
"I'm fine, thank you," Chakotay answered.
The Talaxian turned to Kathryn now. "What about you, Captain? Would you like some toast with honey? I know you like it for supper."
"No, thank you," Kathryn replied.
"Then how about some coffee cookies? A hungry belly won't sleep!"
"I'm fine, Neelix," Kathryn said abruptly.
At her tone, the Talaxian was subdued. "Yes, Captain. Well, then, I'll say goodnight to you both."
"Goodnight, Neelix," Kathryn said.
Neelix then glanced at Chakotay, who also said goodnight, and then the Talaxian went on his way. When he was gone, Chakotay turned back to Kathryn.
"I think you've made your decision, Captain. If you were going to freeze the embryo, or were even seriously considering it, then we wouldn't be having this conversation. You would freeze the embryo without telling me about it. The matter would be a confidential one between you and the EMH. I think you've decided to go ahead with the pregnancy."
Kathryn was a moment in answering. It was uncanny how well this man could read her. He read her much better than anyone else ever had. "It's what I want to do," she said quietly. "I want this baby with every fiber of my being. But do you..." She looked up at him, longing and pain in her eyes. "Do you believe I can do it? Do you really believe I can be a good captain to this crew and a good mother?"
"Yes," Chakotay said emphatically. "I more than believe it, I'm certain of it. And we'll all help you. Ensign Brunwell too. You won't be alone."
"Thank you. But I'm not sure everyone will feel the same way. When I destroyed that array, I separated a lot of officers from their children, perhaps for a lifetime. They could resent that I'll have my child with me."
"I doubt anyone will think that way, Captain. I'm sure everyone will understand that you're doing your best in a difficult situation. Yes, you'll have your child with you, where as theirs are a lifetime away, but your child will grow up on a starship and won't know his or her father. There are no ideals. All we can do is make the best of what life throws us."
Kathryn's eyes wandered to the stars again. "I hope it won't...grow up on this ship. There's got to be a way home, got to be someone out there who can help us. I know we could be on this ship for the rest of our lives, but I'm determined that we won't be. I'm determined to get us home within a year or two. Then we can all resume our lives."
At these words, Chakotay looked at her sadly. While her optimism was good for crew morale, and he shared her belief that it was possible to shave years, or even decades, off their trip, he didn't think they'd be arriving in the Federation any time soon. Yes, maybe there was a female caretaker out there who could help them, or maybe they would find a wormhole or a race with advanced technology, but the best they could realistically hope for was to save a few years here and there. In his mind, they could expect the trip to last at least five years, maybe even ten. But perhaps he was wrong. The space ahead was unknown and uncharted. Perhaps they would find a wormhole next week, or next month, that would lead them to the alpha quadrant. The future was a blank page.
"We'll get home when we get home," he said tactfully. "For now, Voyager is our home. And, while not ideal for a child, there are worse places to grow up. Your child, and Brunwell's, will be part of a community and will see and experience things that no other human children will."
Kathryn turned back to him. "But if we are on this ship for years, what will it mean for them? What kind of a life will they have? They need education, playmates, need to feel the sun on their face."
"It won't be easy, but we can meet their needs. Children accept and adapt, so as long as we do our best to provide them with a safe and stimulating environment, they'll be fine."
"But that's just it, Commander, how safe would they be on this ship? Already we've made enemies of the Kazon and the Vidians, and it seems like we're under constant attack. A life of constant combat is no life for a child."
"Our situation is hardly that bad. Yes, we're under attack a lot at the moment, but that might change. We might go for weeks, or even months, without meeting any aliens at all." He put his hand on hers. "Children don't always come along at the right time, or in the right place, but their lives are always a blessing. Don't think about the negative, there are always negatives, even in the best of situations. Think about the positives." He smiled. "You're a very determined woman. When you set your mind to do something, you accomplish it. So, set your mind where your heart is and don't look back."
Kathryn smiled, his words finalizing her decision, and she squeezed his hand. "I will. Thank you."
Chakotay smiled and squeezed back.
"And I'd appreciate it," she said, letting go of his hand, "if you won't say anything to anyone. Not yet."
"Of course not," he assured her. "This stays between us." He then picked up his cooling hot chocolate. "So, do you know what you're having?"
"No. The Doctor knows but I'd like it to be a surprise."
"So would I...if it was mine, I mean."
Kathryn smiled and picked up her drink too. "I'm surprised you don't have children. Not interested?"
"Quite the contrary, I'd love to have children. I've just never met the right woman."
"Really?"
Chakotay lowered his cup. "You seem surprised."
"I suppose I am. I thought you were a bachelor from choice. You must have had your pick of women."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, you're good looking, intelligent, charming. What more could a woman want?"
"Thank you. But I always seem to attract the wrong kind of woman. I want something serious, but they... Let's just say I'm not lucky in love."
"Then let's hope your luck changes. I know there's not much scope for that on this ship, but maybe you'll fall in love with a young ensign and she with you."
Chakotay said nothing. There was only one woman onboard who interested him, only one woman who captivated him and lit up his soul, and she was sitting right opposite him. Even though they had only known each other a short while, and even though he knew she was engaged to another man, a man she might well be reunited with one day, he couldn't help his feelings. As soon as he'd realized he was falling for her, he had tried to fight the feelings, but no matter what he did, what he tried, as soon as she walked into a room his heart skipped a beat. All he could do was hope that the feelings would pass.
Seeing the topic made him uncomfortable, Kathryn didn't pursue it. "Let's hope all our lucks change," she said, putting down her now empty cup. "Strange, isn't it? One moment our lives are heading in one direction, and then, all of a sudden, something happens and we're on a completely different road, never knowing if we'll get back to that first one."
"Sometimes we never can," Chakotay declared.
"No. If it does take us a couple of years to get home, who knows how things will have changed. Mark may have found someone else and..." she paused. "But I don't suppose there's any point thinking about what may or may not happen. We just have to live for the moment."
"Yes," Chakotay agreed.
There was a long silence, neither knowing what to say, but then Kathryn broke it.
"Well, it's getting late and I'd better get to bed. I'm on early shift tomorrow."
"Not anymore," Chakotay said kindly. "I'll cover it. You can have my shift."
"Oh, I can't have you do that, you've just finished and..."
"I insist. You need to rest. And you need to eat well. No more skipping meals."
Kathryn curled her lip in amusement. "I see you've picked up on my bad habits."
"A First Officer's job. But now I know your condition, I'm going to be watching you like a hawk. So, to make life easier for yourself, you'd better make sure you're always on day shift, take at least an hour for lunch, and at night take the time to cook yourself a good nutritious meal."
"That'll be kind of hard," Kathryn teased. "I'm a hopeless cook."
"Then how about I cook for you some nights? I'm good and I'd love your company."
Kathryn considered for only a second before nodding. "I'd like that, thank you."
Chakotay smiled. "Then we'll make a start tomorrow, 19:00 hours, my quarters."
Kathryn smiled back. "I'll be there. Goodnight, Commander."
"Goodnight, Captain."
Kathryn then got to her feet and Chakotay watched her leave.
END OF CHAPTER 3