Whenever I'm Down, I Call on you My Friend

He was an idiot. A stupid fucking idiot! God, he was so mad at himself, at her, at everyone and everything! For once in his life he allowed himself a glimmer of hope, he allowed himself to dream about something good only for that to be taken away from him before he even had the chance to taste it.

He believed her. He believed her when she told him she loved him. He believed her false speaking tongue, her fake tears that stung his heart, and most of all he believed her when she told him she'd speak to Neal and leave him.

Why did this have to happen to him? Was this some kind of revenge, some God's twisted vengeance against him for the mistakes he did in his past?

He contemplated about the past month of his life, his mind filled with images of her and her stupid husband, that fucking wedding ring he'd like to rip off her finger, and those stupid smiles she'd exchanged with Neal.

Why didn't she tell him about the wedding? Why was she leading him on? Was it all some wicked game of hers to see if she can trap him? To have a one last shot at seduction before she fell into her married-woman routine?

Why was she so cruel to him? For fuck sake, why?

-"Jax, please for the love of God, stop pacing! You're driving me nuts! Calm down!" – Thomas yelled, his voice laced with annoyance and exasperation.

After Jax's breakdown, Thomas managed to drag him down to ER to have his hand checked, and then he drove them to some remote bar far away from Charming. As he had assumed correctly, Jax was out of his mind and it was for the better to keep him as far away from Neal and Tara as possible.

He didn't like to see his older brother like this, hurt and acting crazy, probably capable of doing just about anything at this point. He could harm himself or someone else and Thomas was not letting that happen. And if it wasn't for Thomas, there was a pretty good chance that Jax would have gone back to the club and done God only knows what. At least here he was under his supervision.

Of course, Jax broke the fingers on his hand and it wasn't certain how much his recovery would last. The attending doctor observed them with much reservation, noticing how utterly ill Jax looked. It didn't help that he kept mumbling Tara's name without any focus im his eyes. After Thomas convinced the doctor that he would take good care of Jax, the lady gave them some painkillers warning him not to let Jax drink.

But now, after thirty minutes of watching Jax pace the almost empty bar, his eyes red, his breathing ragged, Thomas feared his brother might lose it. Or he might lose it because he couldn't take it anymore.

-"I-I just don't understand. I just don't fucking understand!" - Jax exclaimed, pulling at his hair.

Thomas sighed, standing up and pulling Jax towards the restroom. He made Jax splash some water on his face to relax and come to his senses. When Jax looked up, Thomas couldn't tell whether the drops on Jax's face were just water or if there were tears too. What he could see clearly though was the pain in his brother's eyes, one that he only ever saw the day they got the news of their father's death.

-"Jax, man. Tell me what happened out there. The fuck did you put yourself through this?" -Thomas pleaded, watching his brother inhale sharply, leaning against the dirty tiles, his jaw twitching.

His white Henley was smudged with dried blood, his hands shaking as he dug his hand into his sweaty hair. His lips trembled as he spoke, barely containing screams that struggled to break free from his body.

-"I don't know, Tommy. I don't know. I thought-I thought she loved me. She told me so. She was gonna talk to Neal and... FUCK! I WAS SO STUPID! FUCK!" - he hit his head against the tiles.

Thomas's heart sank as he watched his brother crumble before his eyes. Never before did he call him Tommy in that tone. His voice was choked, his words etched with hopelessness as he slid down the tiles and sat on the cold floor, his head cradled in his hands.

More than ever before, Jax Teller looked defeated, beaten by life and love he thought was reciprocated.

Thomas didn't feel any jealousy though, but he was definitely confused by the whole situation. He did noticed Jax's not so subtle glances at Tara and how much he asked him about her, wanting to know how their relationship was and how it ended. Knowing Tara, it was definitely understandable to him that his brother could have fallen in love with her. But, he also knew that Jax would never take someone else's girl. Besides, he had never seen his brother like this, like a lovesick puppy whose owner kicked him out.

So it was a mystery to him how Jax could have fallen so deep for Tara, become so attached to her, that he was falling apart because she got married.

After a couple of moments of silence where the oly sound was Jax's heavy breathing, Thomas asked, somewhat nervously:

-"When did you start seeing each other?"

Jax never lifted his head as he spoke, his voice laced with utter sadness. -" We weren't. I was... I was giving her self defence classes when she first got here. "

-"But, you... I don't understand. Jax, you were about to beat the shit out of Neal. I saw the look in your eyes. I've never seen you this mad. It's npt a normal behaviour. What happened with you and Tara?"

-"What's there to understand, Tommy?"- Jax asked, raising his head and this time, tears glistened on his flushed cheeks.-"I fell in love with her even though I shouldn't have, even though she was off limits to me. And I knew there was something between us, I could feel it. Fuck, Tommy, it was like a goddamn Christmas every time she walked into a room. And I wanted her, I wanted to be with her.

She was supposed to talk to him, tell him it's over. I have no fucking idea why she did this to me. How could she do this to me, Tommy? I was ready to leave this fucking town and go with her. I've got some money. I would have made sure she had the life she deserved."- he broke down in sobs, his whole body shaking as the ache poured from his heart.

-"Jax, you knew she had a fiance. Why would you do this to yourself, why would you put yourself through this?"

-"It's not like I wanted this to happen. But you don't understand. It's... I can't explain it. I just know I felt something the first time we met, and it only grew deeper as we spent more time together. Was it so wrong of me to think that I could have a normal, happy life with the woman I love? Fuck, I love her, Tommy. I love her so much!"

His brother shook his head. -"I know, I see that. But the way this all unfolded... It's messed up, bro. You're here, crying, hurting. Come on, I can't let you be like this."

Thomas moved slowly, taking Jax under his arm and picking him up from the floor, leading him through the bar to his car. He sat Jax on the passenger seat and buckled his seatbealt. By this point, Jax's anger had simmered down and all that was left was a broken man.

Questions swirled in Thomas's mind as he drove aimlessly, glancing at his brother every few minutes to make sure he wasn't going to burst into a fit of rage again. Luckily for him, Jax was silent, his thoughts focused on Tara and how happy she looked that night in her snow white dress and her beautiful smile.

His fingers traced the place on his cheek where she had kissed him when they were in the cake shop, still feeling her soft lips pressed against his skin.

He saw her in her yellow sundress, her arms wrapped firmly around his torso as they rode on his bike. He never felt more alive than then, knowing that for a few brief hours she was his.

And what he was experiencing now was... Maybe it was all just a dream, he thought.

Yeah, Tara was just a dream. A wonderful, amazing dream that became his worst nightmare, pulling him down to the very depths of Hell.

(Sorry the update took so long. I'm in a really bad place with my writing at the moment. I appreciate each follow, favourite, and review. Thank you all for that. This was all written on my tablet so please excuse any mistakes and typos I might have made. Please, leave me a review to let me know what you thought of the chapter. Xo)