A/N: New chapter! This is a flashback chapter that should shed some light on what Tara went through before that scene from her birthday in the clubhouse. It's filled with angst so be prepared! Also, I think it's the longest chapter ever, like 3500+words!

Sorry for typos and mistakes.

Happy reading. Or not. Depends how you look at it, really.

I'm Ready to Be Torn Apart

Three Days Before Tara's Birthday Party

At almost thirty years of age, Neal Deveraux thought himself as a pretty accomplished person. He managed to open his own firm at the age of twenty-four, had his first million in mater of months thanks to numerous clever investments, and from then on, one success followed another.

He was young, handsome, accomplished man with a gorgeous fiancée he loved more than life itself. And he thought life was going pretty well for them, up until they moved to Charming and the man he was supposed to sponsor decided it would be a good idea to try and take his fiancée away from him.

Neal thrived himself on being a reasonable and patient man, one that didn't act on impulse but rather likes to take time and think things through.

So now, as he was sitting in the living room of his new home with his head in his hands, he wasn't sure how to act.

He noticed Jax's looks and attitude towards Tara, and he was well aware of the change in Tara ever since she started having those classes with Jax. And then he overheard one of her talks with Donna when Donna warned her about Jax that only confirmed his growing doubts.

At first, he thought nothing of it, seeing how he heard stories of Jax's manwhoring. Knowing Tara, Neal was sure she would kick his ass if he ever tried anything remotely unflattering with her.

His mind drifted to various scenes that he witnessed between them and cursed himself for being so blind as to think the Teller guy harmless.

His heart broke at the mere thought of losing Tara because, after everything they've been through, the good and the bad, he wanted to be with her. He wanted to spend his life with her, to wake up next to her every morning and know that's how it would always be.

He would be lying if he said he started doubting her love for him. It wasn't because he felt she was starting to fall out of love with him, but because the Tara he knew, the one he loved, was slowly starting to disappear. In her place came this shy and aloof person, not vibrant and full of life.

Sensing how torn she must be, Neal knew very well they had to talk. They had to resolve this, whatever it was, once and for all, for both their sakes.

He was torn too, between his love for her, that twisted desire to keep her and his loyalty to her as his best friend. The love for her was that great, Neal was willing to go through a painful heartbreak just to give her what she wanted, whatever that may be.

The sound of door being unlocked drew him out of his dark and depressing thoughts, and as he turned around, he couldn't help the smile that stretched across his face upon seeing Tara.

His heart skipped a beat when she lifted her head and greeted him with a wide smile, one he knew well was his smile, directed only at him. Shy at first, then wide and warm, reaching into the very depths of his being and lighting up every cell in his body. That's the effect Tara had on him.

Despite the mask she had put on, Neal could clearly see how exhausted she looked and his heart clenching in pain for her. Her shoulders were hunched; the wide grin from moments ago now slowly disappearing like it was too hard for her to keep a happy face. She didn't move with grace and light step. Instead, it was like she bore the weight of the world on her shoulders and it hurt him to see her like that.

Having slept barely four hours a night, tossing and turning in their bed, it was obvious to him she wasn't solely wrestling her ever frequent insomnia. She must've been wrecking her brain out trying to come up with a solution as painful as possible for all the parties involved. At least that was his guess.

That just proved how much Neal knew her because he was definitely right.

...

Guilt ate away at Tara slowly, picking at her already hurt psyche, tormenting her every time she would close her eyes and thought of either Jax or Neal; or when she would open her eyes and face the sources of her anguish there, in flesh in blood before her, looking at her like she's the most precious thing in the world when in fact she felt like the falsest person on the planet.

Seeing Neal's welcoming smile only made her feel worse, adding to her growing anxiety and sense of self–worthlessness.

Tara felt she didn't deserve this wonderful, caring man. She didn't deserve his love, his devotion, the adoration reflected in his crystal blue eyes. Yet, the only thing she wanted in that moment was to curl up in his lip, rest her head on his chest and feel his strong arms envelop her, protecting her from the world, from herself, and her dark thoughts.

She crossed the small distance dividing them and sat next to him, kissing him tenderly, relishing the roughness of his lips against hers, fearing it might be the last time she would be allowed to do so. Her lips hovered over his for a few more seconds, wanting to prolong the moment, to freeze it for just a while longer because she wasn't ready to give Neal up.

She wasn't ready to give up their life, the love they shared, their future together. But her mind was a mess, her emotions jumbled, her will crushed. Fatigue washed over her, pulling her down, not letting her come to surface to breath in the little air she yearned to inhale.

...

Neal's eyes were closed as he breathed her in, memorising her scent for fear that it could be the last time he was allowed to do it.

His heart screamed at him not to do it, not to start this conversation, the conversation that could potential end their engagement and their relationship for good.

His mind argued that if there was no love, he shouldn't tie himself to a person for the rest of his life. If they weren't going to work, why condemn both her and himself to a year or two of misery and later painful heartbreak?

No matter what, he told himself, he was ready face the truth.

His hands were shaking as he took her hands in his and, swallowing the lump in his throat, he told her they needed to talk. His eyes were concentrated on her hands, his thumb tracing patterns on her soft skin.

Would he be able to leave her, to say goodbye to the woman he loved for so long? Something within him whispered no; her hold on his heart was too great for that to ever happen.

...

Tara's eyes went wide as the sudden realisation hit her: he knew.

Oh my God, he knew. He knew, He knew. And he was going to break up with her.

Sheer panic engulfed her, making her chest constrict and her brain freeze. She needed to prepare herself, needed to explain herself, to tell him everything but her mind was blank and her mouth was dry and her lips wouldn't move, her eyes locked with his. And, God Almighty, the pain she saw.

When Neal started talking, Tara willed herself to focus, to pay attention but her mind played a twisted game with her thoughts, making her believe that Neal was going to think the worst of her, that she was some kind of cheap woman who cheated on him the moment she met someone remotely interesting.

"Tara, I... God, I can't even say it." – when Neal exhaled, Tara could swear that she sensed the entire weight of the unspoken words between them.

Without even thinking, her hands framed his face, trembling as she fought the tears that streamed down her face, dampening her cheeks, falling on her new dress but none of it mattered.

"I swear nothing happened! Nothing at all! I would never to that to you, to us. Please believe me!"

She felt him stiffen, the pain in his eyes breaking her soul over and over again as his words cut her like knives.

Neal pulled away from her grasp, sneering at her words. -"I saw the way he looks at you! I even heard him speaking of you two like it's a done thing and I'm the only obstacle in your way!" – Closing his eyes, Neal leapt up, trying to rein in his temper, but this was just a beginning. -"I know you're not some... I know you wouldn't do that but a part of me doubts you and I hate myself for it. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to watch his pretention ass act like I'm not even there most of the time? If it weren't for the people I actually like in that fucking club, I'd have beaten him senseless."

It was the pent up anger, resentment, hurt; all the emotions he fought to control over the last few weeks now bubbling up to surface, fighting their way out.

Tara continued pleading him, reaching for his hand only for him to pull away again. It was worse than if he had slapped.

"Please, please Neal, don't say things like that. This is not you. I know you and you're always rational. And I'm here, with you, telling you that nothing happened. Ever-"

Neal raised his voice as he spoke, startling her. -"Did you want something to happen? Answer me damn it!"

"Yes. Yes, I did."- Tara cried out, looking him in the eyes, hating herself more with every second that passed. Oh, how she wished she'd never met Jax. She hated him in that moment, hated him for putting her in this situation, for making her feel what she felt for him, for pushing her into this situation where she was hurting the person she loved, for watching him crumble down before her. She continued. -"But I can't explain this, I can't. It's all too confusing and and too hard and I feel like I'm cornered and and-"

Tara couldn't breathe, words bubbling up in her throat. There was so much to say, so much to explain, so she just kept talking and talking, praying to God that Neal would believe her because she was out of excuses, out of strength, out of will to live.

"I don't want you to think I don't love you. I love you so much Neal it sometimes amazes me! Please, please let's just take a second because I'm scared of what you're going to say and I'm not sure I want to hear it."

Neal raked his hand through his hair, breathing deeply and effectively calming himself as he sat back on the couch, but as far away from Tara as possible. He noticed her wince, like his action physically hurt her.

The thing was, he couldn't bear to be near her. Seeing her wrecked like that, a shell of a person she was... it was destroying him. Neal was aware that the moment he touched her he would wrap his arms around her and tell her it was all forgive, and he just couldn't make himself do that.

So he sat in silence, Tara's sobs the only sound breaking through his mind barrier. When he finally spoke, his voice was choked as he looked down, avoiding Tara's gaze. He was calm and collected, but only on the surface, as he finally spoke his feelings to her.

"You've changed, Tara. Distancing yourself from me should have been my first clue. I just thought you were overwhelmed with all the changes and new people. I didn't want to burden you even more. Guess I was wrong.

It hurts so much to say what's on my mind simply because I think I've avoided the truth for too long. I thought his fascination with you would go away. I was so stupid. How could it? I mean, you're amazing. He must have fallen in love with you just the way I did." – he huffed, finally drawing his eyes to hers. - "The thing is, Tara... He's a single guy who probably has dozens of women throwing themselves at him. And instead of picking one of them, he chose you. You, even though he knew from the start you were engaged. How can you be sure you're not being just one of his many conquests?"

"Because we talked and he told me."

Neal's brows suddenly furrowed, anger boiling in him. - "You talked about this? About you leaving me?"

Panic rose in Tara at his words and she tried to explain herself but it seemed the more she talked the more complicated it all got.- "NO! Yes, I' mean... He told me he loved me and I believe him, Neal. He wasn't lying, he wouldn't."

Jumping off the couch, Neal went to the window, leaning against it. He laughed at her words, having hard time believing her. Was she really that naive to think that asshole actually loved her? He was player, for fuck's sake!

"And? What else did you talk about?"

Tara took a deep breath, leaning against the couch, her voice almost a whisper. – "I told him ... I told him I loved him too, but that I had to talk to you first. That we needed to set things straight between us. Neal, please look at me, please.

"Did you sleep with him?" – the question was spoken through gritted teeth, tension rising in his body.

"What? No!" – Tara walked up to him, turning him so he was facing her now.

"How far did it go? Tell me! Just... just tell me."

His voice was laced with hurt, and his eyes wouldn't meet hers that it took Tara a moment to compose herself. She wouldn't give up on them. Not yet. –"It never went beyond words, I swear! We've never even kissed."

"I don't know if I should believe you"

It hurt Tara to hear he didn't believe her. What has she done?

"I'm telling you the truth. Neal, please look at me. I would never do that to you."

When he finally looked at her, Tara wished he hadn't. A storm of rage, disbelief, surrender, disappointment was rising in his blue eyes, reflecting in his words.-"And do you think that makes it easier for me?"–taking her by surprise, he laced their hands together as if he was holding onto the last threads of their relationship.-"Sometimes words hurt more than actions. I'm fighting this urge not to ask you to tell me what else you talked about, what he told you because I don't see the point. But some fucking part of me wants to be tortured because then maybe, just maybe I could understand."

Shaking her head, Tara smiled weakly.

"You can't understand. Neither can he because this isn't about you two, Neal. It's about me and my feelings and my heart.

The last thing I want to do is hurt either one of you. Trust me when I say this hurts me just as much as it hurts you. This all is so complicated and I just wish I had the energy to think, to make sense of everything but I'm just so exhausted I feel like my head is going to explode."

She dropped to the floor, pulling her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself. It was so hard to keep herself awake, to not fall into the abyss of these wicked emotions that clouded her judgement and her moral compass.

She felt like the worst person, like she played with their feelings only to destroy all three of them in process. And she was tired, so so tired. Tired of thinking, of feeling, of breathing. Maybe it would be for the best to just crawl into her bed and never get out of it.

"I must sound selfish and childish, but I can't Neal, I can't have you both pulling me to your sides, being angry with me because you think I can't choose.

It's so hard because I don't want to choose, I don't want to be in this position. I'd rather not feel anything. And don't want to keep talking about leaving you because that's what we're talk about here, right? Us breaking up." – she bit her lip and looked up to find him gazing at her, the rage from before gone and replaced by... That look that always made her legs turn to jell-o and her heart skip a beat.

"You're right. I don't understand. Do you know why? Because things are simple for me Tara. They've always been when it comes to you."

Neal crouched, his hand on her cheek. She leaned into his warm touch as he caressed her.

"I love you, Tara. You were my best friend for years, you still are my best friend. I've loved you ever since you came rushing into that hospital at one in the morning never mind that it was like three degrees below zero just because I fell off of the roof putting Christmas decorations on my parents' house that late because I was too tired to do it earlier.

And I fell in love with you the day you accepted to go on a double date with my brother and his girlfriend in spite of your nervousness and just blew them away with your intelligence. And when you took the first step and kissed me in that rink because I was too afraid to try anything for fear you might reject me..." – he smiled at the memory, and she did too, the coldness in her body being replaced by a warm fuzzy feeling as she recollected how cute he looked with his nose and cheeks all red, but his lips spread in the goofiest smile that made her want to leap into his arms and never let him go.

Neal continued, only now cupping her face, his lips so close to hers she could taste his breath. -"I don't remember ever feeling like this. The way you make me feel it's... it's scary and exciting and completely wonderful and unexpected in so many ways.

I want to wake up tangled with you, I want to come home after spending my day dealing with assholes and just be with you because it's you that makes my life so much better. I want us to have our lazy Sundays and Thursday brunches and Friday movie nights.

And I want it all with you: home, family, kids. I told you this already."

OH, no! No, no! Her eyes went wide as she realised where this conversation was headed. Her hands flew to his, holding them firmly against her cheeks because she knew what was coming and she was desperately trying to hold onto him, hold onto this hope that maybe it wasn't the end.

"I know things must have changed for you. And this... This is not an ultimatum. It's just me being honest with you about my feelings. Just like I want you to be honest about yours." – Neal pulled her to his chest as he kept talking, Tara's tears wetting his shirt, her arms wrapped around him. She sobbed into his chest, her screams clawing at her chest but she tried to suppress them.

He can't leave her. He can't. Don't say anything else. Please don't.

"I'm leaving town for a business meeting with the executives from Pete's company. I'll be back tomorrow evening.

I won't call you or text you. I'm giving you some space and time to think. I don't want to pressure you. We can talk when I get back."

He kissed the top of her head several times, letting her know that it was just as hard for him as it was for her. He didn't want to let her go, didn't want to put and to something that was his life for so many years.

Tara hugged him, holding him tighter than ever before, realising her prayers hadn't worked. -"Neal, I never wanted to hurt you." – her words were a mere whisper against his skin she feared he didn't hear her.

"I know baby, I know."

He let go of her and, taking a bag she hadn't even seen when she came home and his leather jacket, he walked out of the apartment but not before glancing at her for the last time.

As he closed the door, Tara allowed herself to snap. She screamed off the top of her lugs, choked sobs and curses escaping her lips as her body shook and her heart raced and she couldn't take it any longer.

What if he wasn't coming back? What if, what if?

That night she cried herself to sleep, Neal's college shirt on her and her pillow in her arms.

(I am so so so so sorry for so much angst. It was very hard for me to write this because the emotions were strong and they really take a toll on a person. Can you give me some feedback? Three sentence-reviews and more? Pretty please? xoxo )