Disclaimer:
Wow. I'm an idiot. I realised something upon re-reading my last chapter; I totally forgot to disclaim in my last disclaimer even though I remembered to type everything else. Lol. Pardons for my lack of brains, but I shall now disclaim to your hearts content.
Nothing belongs to me, you hear me? Nothing. Except maybe my used tissues. I doubt anyone else would want those.
I was staring at the ceiling. Exactly how long I lay there staring I can't possibly imagine. The fact that I was staring at it didn't even register in my mind until long after I started to, I'm sure. The only thing that I would be able to tell you was that the ceiling was white. Like snow. Like your jacket.
Your jacket.
I sat bolt upright and searched frantically left and right. I didn't see you anywhere. A deep hollow feeling emerged in my chest, while an unfamiliar setting stared back at me. I had been sleeping on a bed in the middle of a dazzlingly white room with a closed door opposite me and a shut window behind. A cabinet that wasn't mine was to my left, and an empty seat to my right. I didn't know where I was.
That Day
Chapter III
By AshLikeSnow
Day 2: To Fear and Forget.
My memory was hazy. What was I doing in what appeared to be a hospital ward? Noticing that my clothes felt too breezy, I looked down and saw that I was wearing a hospital gown, confirming my suspicions. The feeling of anxiety slowly faded away, to be replaced by curiosity as questions sprang forth in my head. No sudden bouts of enlightenment struck me however, and worse, my mind felt like a wrung cloth. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath before letting it out slowly.
"Good morning Fate-chan, you're awake now? How are you feeling?"
I opened my eyes and looked ahead to see Hayate walking up to me on the left from the now-opened door. She bent forward and flicked a hand past my fringe to lay it upon my forehead. Her hand was cool. I looked past her arm to see her face with eyebrows slightly furrowed in concentration.
"Hayate, what am I doing here?" A timid question.
"Getting your temperature checked of course." She looked pleased with herself. "Alright, seems that your fever's died down a bit now. How 'bout we have you take your medicine then just to make sure?" Straightening up she picked up a packet of antibiotics and emptied two tablets onto her other palm which she then passed to me. I took the pills in hand and stared at it for a short while, before I placed them into my mouth and tried to swallow.
"Wait! Your water!"
I choked.
Hayate, who was in the middle of pouring me a glass of water from the pitcher, set it down and instead turned around to rub my back. "Mou, I can't believe you. You're not five anymore you know, don't you even know how to take medicine?"
Though still a bit red in the face, I couldn't help but flush a little more "Sorry. I don't normally need water taking pills that's why. But my throat felt so dry for some reason.."
She had turned back round again to finish pouring water into the glass and handed it to me. I took it gratefully with a small 'Thank you' and set it to my lips and drank eagerly to calm my throat. Almost at once I noticed an alarming sensation down in my abdomen. I almost choked again. I scrambled out of the blankets and off the bed, pushing the glass back into her hands.
"Woah, woah! What are you doing?"
Ignoring her questions, I almost screamed. "Hayate! Where's the bathroom?!"
"Eh? Umm, out your door and along the corridor to your right until you reach a junction. You should see the sign there where they are."
I ran.
I came back into the room feeling more relieved than I think I ever have. Hayate's giggle made me turn towards her after closing my door. I noticed she was now sitting down in the empty chair beside my bed and looking at me with slight mirth in her eyes.
"Wow Fate-chan, I don't think I've ever seen you run that fast before." She giggled again.
I blushed. I still didn't enjoy being teased very much.
"Mou Hayate, you don't have to say those kinds of things out loud." I cast about for another topic while climbing back into the bed. "So what am I doing here again?"
Her giggling had quieted and then stopped but a small smile was still obvious on her face. "Fate-chan must have a bad memory, because she just asked me that not long ago."
I sighed. She was in one of those moods. "I mean .." and I spoke the words as slowly and concisely as I could " what was I doing here in the hospital in the first place? I don't really remember coming here. It couldn't have been just for a fever could it?"
Her smile dropped then. A slightly worried look came to her eyes, which were searching mine. What was with that look?
She seemed to hesitate, but then spoke slowly "You don't remember coming to the hospital Fate-chan?" A shake of my head. "You don't remember anything about two nights ago? I mean, before you fainted?" Another shake. She stopped there. She suddenly didn't seem to be very sure about herself
I had fainted? Wow. Why? She said I had had a fever, but I wouldn't normally fai-
Memories started to trickle in, slowly at first; an image of pure white snow danced before my eyes, stained by patches of red. Another followed of a hurried stride down white corridors. Emotions were mixed in with those images. Uncomfortable feelings. What was that? Snow? But why was it red?
A faint knock came from the door, and my thoughts were broken. I looked up and Hayate answered for me "Come in."
The handle turned and Yuuno's head peeped out from behind the door "How is she Haya- Ah, you're awake now Fate. I'm glad." He gave me a small smile which I returned, though I couldn't help but notice how tired he looked, as though he was missing a few nights sleep. I couldn't help but wonder why.
"How are you feeling then?"
The question broke me out of my small musings "Fine I think. Hayate said that my temperatures gone down." It was only a fever wasn't it? But then again, why would I have fainted?
"Mm, everything sounds normal then." Yuuno pushed his glasses up with his fingertips, adjusting them "I'm not really sure if you're up for it since you yourself may still be tired, but did you wanna go visit her? Knowing you, you're probably dying to though."
Hayate seemed to be fidgeting in her seat. I looked over at her and noticed she was giving Yuuno an intense stare, as though trying to speak with just her eyes. He seemed to have noticed the same thing, though the exact meaning of the intended message seemed to be lost to him.
I was a little confused by all this. "Who am I supposed to go visit? Is there someone I know who's in hospital too?"
Yuuno was looking at me, as though even more perplexed than I was. "What do you mean Fate? Don't you re-". But Hayate cut him short.
"Not right now Yuuno-kun, she still seems a bit si-". Oddly enough, Hayate too had been cut off, though this time by a short nurse who had popped into the room without knocking.
"Yuuno-san, could you please head back towards the intensive care ward? Doctor Shamal said she would like to have some words –"
My mind blocked out any further sounds issuing from her thin lips. She seemed to have struck a chord in my brain with just a single name.
Shamal.
Shamal.
Memories that had initially been leaking through in no more than a trickle before being plugged up again, seemed to have built up in force. It was as though a sudden dam burst forth, and it flooded me. Images of blood-drenched snow flashed again through my mind, much more vividly than before, and this time I knew why it was so red. Still pictures of the long corridor to reach the emergency ward raced through like ghosts before my eyes. Fresh feelings of panic and worry erupted in my chest as I relived that interminable night outside the emergency ward door. Finally, the image of Shamal with tears brimming and hands shaking while the words 'I'm sorry' reverberated in my head robbed me of my breath. I clutched my chest at the sudden weight of it all.
No! I don't want to remember any of this. This is too cruel to be true. There's no way it could be true!
I struggled with them, all these memories, each thick and undulating, rapidly enveloping me in their emotions. I fought, I bit, I strained, I resisted, but try as I might I found myself sinking; a slow relentless pull down a deep mire of despair. I nearly drowned in it.
My vision was dimming again and large random dots of colour were popping up on the sheets. I didn't even realise I was holding my breath until my brain started screaming at me for oxygen. With effort, I heaved a coarse sob through my tight chest to get air back into my lungs. It hardly made me feel any better.
Hayate and Yuuno were at my side, rubbing my back, asking how I was, giving me concerned looks. I couldn't really answer them even if I had wanted to, and I must admit, it felt a bit cloying having them pamper me like that while I felt so closed in. I shut my eyes again before letting my breath out and drawing another back in. Tears were threatening to spill out again, but I had no mind for it, instead I concentrated on breathing.
In. Out. In. Out.
Gradually, the tightness in my chest eased and the hammering, erratic heartbeats died down. I breathed easier now. I looked up in time to see a doctor standing by my bed, with Hayate, Yuuno and the short nurse hovering behind him staring at me, anxious. He had a needle in his hand, and I guessed that it must have been a sedative of sorts. I looked up into his face and into his eyes before giving a small shake of my head. He lowered his hand a little.
"Harlaown-san, how are you feeling?"
How many times have I been asked that just this morning?
I straightened myself out and took another deep breath before answering as calmly as I could. "I.. I think I'm better now. Thank you."
Concern lingered in his eyes, but I must have convinced him with how much more rationally I was now acting. "I see. I'm glad." He glanced at me for a few more moments "Well I guess if that's the case then I'm afraid I'll have to get back, I was in the middle of tending to another officer before I was called in here." I nodded. "However, I think I should impress upon you the importance of rest, especially considering your condition and.. mm.. circumstances. I'll come in again later to do a proper check-up ok?"
A murmur of agreement left my lips, though my thoughts were already elsewhere. That slight pause had served to jump start my brain. I knew about my own circumstances better than anyone, and my body seemed to have started moving of its own accord. The doctor was barely out of the door with the short nurse in tow before I threw my blanket off and shifted my weight to try and get up. Neither Yuuno nor Hayate tried to stop me. Perhaps they had been expecting it.
Almost as soon as it started however, it was over. My feet were halfway to the floor when they stopped, suspended in midair. What was going on? I was holding my breath again and my heart had gone cold. I couldn't move; and it took a few moments to realise why.
Fear had paralysed me.
I was at the edge of my bed, torn between my emotions. I knew what I wanted to do, I knew. I knew so clearly and yet, my body which was just a few seconds ago moving without prompt, as though driven, no longer listened to me. Mental images of you, still as death and blood seeping out of your wounds haunted me. I dreaded seeing you. This fear shamed me and yet, now that I'd realised it, there was simply no way for me to refute it. The very idea of seeing you in such a condition galled me. My feet jerkily lowered to the tiled floor, my knuckles almost white as my hands gripped at the mattress. I began to shiver, but I wasn't cold. I hung my head and my hair caged my face, as though to hide me from view. I couldn't bring myself to see you.
There was a small silence, and then a light shuffling of feet. Yuuno had knelt down in front of me, while Hayate sat down beside. She had taken my left hand into her own and was gently caressing the back of it with her thumb. Even amidst my self-loathing I couldn't help but notice that her stroking felt kind of nice. It eased me somewhat, though not nearly enough. We stayed like that, nary a sound passing from each of our lips. It seemed they understood, understood and accepted it. They didn't question me as I'm sure anyone else would have, yet my own sense of guilt spilt over, and tears began to swell my vision.
"Why?" I sobbed hoarsely "She's my best friend. I want to see her so badly, and yet I-". Nothing else would come out. I couldn't even frame any more words. Tears were staining my lap.
The silence repeated itself, before being pierced again. "That's exactly why Fate," Yuuno answered gently "it's because she's your best friend. The bond that the two of you share is strong. When one smiles, so does the other, and when one grimaces, so too does the other. Being scared isn't unnatural in a situation like this."
I was staring down at the glistening patches of wetness in my lap. It was a simple answer. It always was for the hardest questions; yet for some reason, it was an answer I didn't want to accept. It seemed too commonplace. How could the scope of these feelings and uncertainties be contained within such simple words? And of course, there was the obvious question of why neither of the two beside me seemed as affected as I. My reactions and feelings felt so extreme, even from my own eyes.
"Look.. Fate, I know that you're guilt-ridden, but please, take one step at a time. If you can't bring yourself to see her now, then that's fine. Nobody said it was going to be easy, and let me tell you, it really isn't. I'm sure Hayate would agree. Just take your time to muster up the courage. I'm sure you'll be able to, I know you can." His voice and his tone bespoke sincerity. I nodded a small nod.
"Then how about I leave Hayate with you again for a while, so I can go see what Shamal wants? She can help you get cleaned up." I shook my head.
"No. I'm.. I think I want to be alone for a while. Sorry." The tears which had been spilling had yet to slow down..
He nodded understandingly, and so did Hayate. She got up and motioned for me to get back properly into bed while Yuuno tried to stand. He seemed to struggle a little bit, and I guess his knees must be sore, not to mention his fatigue. My heart twinged. "Sorry Yuuno."
He smiled again, "What are you saying? This is nothing." He stretched his legs a little to get some feeling back into them. "You just remember to take care of yourself and get some proper rest."
I nodded, and decided to take a sitting position on my bed instead of lying down, with my pillow propped against my back I didn't think I was going to be sleeping for a while. Hayate drew my blankets up and tucked them in around my waist.
"Ok, if you need anything then go ahead and press the buzzer just behind your head." I didn't even know I had one; I didn't bother checking for it. I murmured agreement. "And if you get cold and want a jacket or something, I placed your own clothes inside the cabinet." Another acknowledgement coupled with a small nod.
"I'll come back later to check on you ok?" I received a quick hug, and with a few strides she had reached the door where Yuuno was already waiting and waving at me. I waved back. She closed the door behind her and their footsteps faded away. I was alone again.
There was nothing of distraction in my room. My surroundings were so quiet, so calm, and yet inside of me, a storm of emotions raged. It seemed almost ironic to compare the two, considering how starkly contrasting they were. A small stream of tears was still wetting my face, and a lump had developed in my throat. I drew my knees up and hugged them with my arms, blocking out the world by closing my eyes. I felt so weak.
No.
No!
I screwed up my face and shook my head angrily at myself.
I can't do this. I can't let myself be swept up by it again. If I show weakness and fall here, when am I going to be able to pick myself up again? Hadn't Chrono told me I needed to be strong? Didn't Yuuno just tell me he believed in me? Wasn't Hayate silently supporting me? They were all trying their hardest for me, to save me from myself and yet here I am tearing myself apart. What kind of person would I be if I couldn't answer to their call?
Weak.
No.
Weak.
That's not true!
Weak.
I refuse! I may not be strong, but I refuse to be weak. I refuse! .. If I'm weak then I'd never be able to face you again.
I struggled with myself, willing my tears to stop and my breathing to return to normal. It really wasn't easy when the reason that I was trying to stop crying was the same as the one that had originally brought me to tears in the first place.
It must have taken me a long time, for when I opened my eyes again the light coming in from the window seemed different, a distinctive tinge of red; it must have been late afternoon. My stomach was making itself heard, but now that I was myself again, I was more inclined to just sleep; I felt so tired. I debated with myself for a while, and in the process used up whatever little energy I had left, so that decided it. I was in the middle of shifting around to lie down when a soft knock came from the door. It was probably either the doctor or Hayate. "Go ahead."
The door opened and a head popped in. I was wrong. It was that short nurse again. Weird that she knocked this time but not the last. "Harlaown-san, good afternoon. I wasn't sure whether you had wanted any visitors so I thought I'd ask first, but it seems that something urgent has come up and a Bureau officer has come to see you. Shall I let him in?"
From work? But I'm supposed to be on leave still. Don't tell me they want to shorten it and get me back into work like this?
"Ah.. ok, show him in please." The quicker I dealt with him the quicker I could get some rest I thought.
"Ok then, wait one moment please." She ducked back out, only to return a short while later with a middle-aged man in a black TSAB uniform. Clean-shaven and with middle-length straw-blonde hair, there was a definite crispness in his movements that spoke of confidence.
Wait. Black? That's not my department, that's the Enfo-.
Oh my God. Don't tell me..
The officer saluted me from the end of my bed and I returned it stiffly; That's the insignia of a senior officer..
"Second Lieutenant Fate Testarossa Harlaown am I correct?" A meek nod. "I am Neil Lancer, holding the rank of Lieutenant Colonel in the Investigation Bureau." My heart sank. His name left me with no doubt whatsoever.
"I've come as part of an official enquiry, so I wanted to speak with you directly, though I never expected that I would find you enrolled here in the recovery wing of the clinical hospital." His seriousness didn't seem to be masking any anger, though that hardly mattered for I knew what was coming next.
"But despite these circumstances, I'm afraid I'll have to pursue this enquiry." He was firmly eyeing me now "On the 32nd of Musmuris at 0900 hours, one Fate Testarossa Harlaown, Second Lieutenant, was scheduled to take the Magical Enforcement Proficiency and Qualification Examination, with two officers, Colonel Ferocia Argenteus and Lieutenant Colonel Neil Lancer acting as field examiners. I believe that date would be yesterday."
I had missed the Enforcer exam. All of that preparation, and look what it had cost me.
"Perhaps you could answer me if I were to ask you exactly why such an occurrence has come to pass. Not simply the lack of attendance, but also the absence of even a follow-up explanation or contact regarding it. The Enforcer examination ought not to be taken so lightly."
My tongue was thick and my mouth dry. My heart was racing and so was my mind. Try as I might, I couldn't seem to form a respectable answer.
I could only stare back at him.
Author's Note:
Sorry for the delay everyone, but it seems that this story is now getting slightly deeper and a bit harder to write since I have to cross-reference a lot more now between parts of the story that I sort of have planned. I often think that my first two chapters were too simple, though I could never really do much about them since honestly speaking, I regarded them more like prologues then anything else. I hope that you'll bear with me however and that the possible change of pace doesn't put you off. Also, I think that some people may find some of the wording and events towards the end of the chapter questionable. I'll tell you now that they aren't a mistake, and that I will most certainly be addressing those issues in due time within the story. But besides that, I hope that you enjoyed this chapter, for certainly, the emotions took me a while to write. I took much time thinking how and why a character would react and to tell the truth, that's tiring, especially concerning the types of emotions that are being dealt with. At any rate, I shall most likely commence writing for the next chapter soon if not right away, and hopefully there won't be as much delay. And as always, I would like to hear your comments on what you thought of the chapter, and if possible, to give me some constructive criticism on it, since I could certainly do with some. Thanks you muchly! Til I see you guys next, take care. Ash
Oh. I almost forgot. I snuck some easter eggs into this chapter for some quick wiki work. If you think you've found them then go ahead and lemme know :3 I'll post the answers in my next chapter.