---

ten

MISSING

and you, bring me to my knees again
all the times that I could beg you please, in vain
all the times that I've felt insecure for you
and I leave my burdens at the door

but I'm on the outside, and I'm looking in
I can see through you, see your true colours
'Cause inside you're ugly, you're ugly like me
I can see through you, see to the real you

all the times that I've cried
all this wasted, it's all inside
and I feel all this pain

I stuffed it down, it's back again
and I lie here in bed
all alone, I can't mend
but I feel-

tomorrow will be okay

Outside, Staind

---

Gone again...

Those were always his first thoughts in the morning.

Shikamaru blinked wearily, slowly pulling himself from the realm of sleep. He didn't want to wake up- he stayed there, curled in his sheets, wanting the warm glow that covered him from head to toe to last forever. But if faded- it always did. He grabbed at the sheets- curled up within them- childishly clinging on to the feeling and refusing to let go- but it felt so... safe. Warm. He didn't know what he wanted, what he expected, but as he awakened he became more aware of the light shining through the window, more ware that the bed was empty, more aware of the cold beads of sweat that trickled down his back.

He's gone.

His hand reached out and fumbled around the bedside table- the black band was there this time and he untidily tied up his hair, arms moving to push himself upright. Slowly he brought his feet over the edge of the bed, rubbing at his eyes- it always felt like he was dreaming, pushing his way through a thick fog. He yawned and stretched his muscles, feeling little pinpricks of pain all across his muscles- small scratches and fading wounds.

Yare yare... mendokusee.

He glanced at the clock in the corner. Seven thirty. He scratched blearily at the back of his neck, just barely aware of the tender patch of skin just above his right shoulder. Blinking, he began to take stock of his room with tired eyes. The shougi set in the corner, still missing a pawn. The books untidily stacked on the table that his father provided- that he hadn't exactly gotten around to reading. The vase, filled with flowers from just yesterday-bright purple heliotropes, sprays of maidenhair, and his eyes lingered over the black rose in the middle of it all.

Sasuke.

The reaction was instant- he almost lurched forward, arms flew around his stomach- a reflexive response from the disgust and horror that instantly welled up in his chest. His head felt like it had been delivered a solid blow- a sudden splitting headache that erupted from his forehead. His hands gripped tightly at the edge of the bed, trying to steady himself as the room swam before his widened eyes- words and whispers that instantly flooded his mind, memories from hours before- groans and moans with harsh commands, and pain- so much pain- and the pleasure- but damn, it had felt so good... forcing himself upright he stumbled forward, catching himself on the windowsill, his head hanging out the window- eyes trying to focus on the road and, the trees, trying desperately to ignore the vivid images- finally gasping words.

"Fuck you."

---

CHUUNIN ENTRANCE EXAMS

NAME:

VILLAGE:

NUMBER:

QUESTION 1

Five shinobi are approaching you from the directions as shown below. There are at least ten more in the vicinity. Your supplies consist of five shuriken and a kunai. Given that you are only able to use basic Academy Jutsu, explain if it is advisable to attack, defend or retreat, and then illustrate and explain the best choices for each. Additionally calculate the best possible attack angles using your shuriken. Please take into account the three-dimensionality of the environment (forest) in your answers.

"That's just mean, Shikamaru!" Ino said, frowning at the paper with an exasperated expression on her face. "I don't think our questions were that hard..."

"Tch," Shikamaru murmured dismissively. "They weren't hard at all... this isn't, either." He wasn't kidding. In their round of the exams, he had figured out on behalf of his team that they were to cheat. By the time Ino had gotten the answers using her jutsu, though, Shikamaru had already worked out most of the questions- and was fast asleep.

Ino sighed, leaning comfortably against Shikamaru's rather stiff shoulder, jabbing at him with a finger, grinning and continuing with more vigour when he closed his eyes stubbornly. "Just because you think it's easy doesn't mean it's easy for the rest of us..."

"I think it's easy, Ino," Chouji interjected. He sat opposite them, finishing off the leftovers from the meal (they always ordered extra).

"Heh. See?" Shikamaru said, with a small triumphant smirk, opening one eye to look amusedly down at the blonde kunoichi slumped against him. "Told you so."

"What!?" She sat upright at once, snatching the paper up from the table and reading it through again before shoving it in Chouji's face. "There's no way you could find this easy! There's no way anyone could!"

"It's a trick question- just think about it," Chouji replied inbetween mouthfuls. Ino merely glared and fumed, unsatisfied.

Shikamaru nodded, still only with one lazily opened eye watching the kunoichi. "He's right."

Ino pouted and turned away. She could be so childish, sometimes, Shikamaru thought. But that's what made Ino... well, Ino. Just the way she was. It's nice to know that despite everything... some things are the same. He sighed loudly. "Yare yare- what a troublesome woman I have here..." and before she could protest wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer, pausing for a moment before pointing at the paper in front of them.

"What's that say, Ino-chan?" He said gently- patiently, almost with the air of an adult teaching an unruly child.

Ino blinked, blushing slightly in her position, her hand raising to grab lightly at Shikamaru's around her shoulder. "Five shinobi are approaching you from the directions as shown below..."

"Right. Does it say what shinobi?"

"No..."

"Does it say if they're allies or enemies?"

"No."

"What's to stop you from writing that?"

Ino blinked slowly. She understood the question and the (rather cheap if you asked her) answer, but what confused her most was Shikamaru's behaviour. He'd acted like this a few times over the past few days... and it wasn't entirely unbelievable, nor wasn't it nice. Infact she could just close her eyes and enjoy it for as long as she wanted to. Only... it didn't feel... right. There was just this slight stiffness to his shoulders, a drawl to his words, the faraway look in his eyes. And while Shikamaru was Shikamaru, it just felt... wrong. Different, somehow- false. Unreal. Like somehow he wasn't really here. And it didn't help that she knew how brilliant of a liar Shikamaru could be, if he had to.

Does he have to...?Ino wondered. Why?Bringing herself back to the present, she scowled. "That's cheating, Shikamaru! I don't think they'd let you set a question with an answer like that..."

Ino wasn't very good at forcing reactions out of people, but she could do a little. In that if Shikamaru poked her with a grin and told her she looked cute when she was angry (which she admitted worked on her sometimes given those other guys she had talked too before), something was definitely wrong. It was hardly a good measure. But she just felt like she had to do something.

But Shikamaru merely sighed characteristically- pulled his arm from around her shoulder and shrugged, crossing his arms behind his head and glancing out the window. "How troublesome," he muttered.

Outwardly Ino sighed and threw herself back on the chair- but she allowed a small hint of a smile on her lips. At least some things stayed the same.

"I'm hungry," Chouji announced.

That too, Ino thought.

Shikamaru laughed a little and ordered a bit more food, waiting for Chouji to finish as he scribbled down untidy unreadable characters in a corner of the paper. His other hand idly ran through the kunoichi's blonde hair- but it was entirely mechanical, entirely rehearsed, and he was barely aware of it. He had no doubt that Ino had picked up on some of it. That Chouji had- that most people had. But it was always some- and it was fine, really, because it was never enough.

He scribbled down random ideas and possibilities for the other questions (he was supposed to be done with a few by now but of course he put it off)- the way he worked about things like this was just to write, write by stream of conciousness- he enjoyed analyzing but even he recognized that while generating ideas it was best not to cut out anything or think too much (something that was admittedly difficult for him to do). As a result, approximately half of his musings had anything to do with the chuunin exams. The rest, however...

Damnit how long can you keep this up Shikamaru damn damn damn there has to be a line you've got to stop

"That all you're doing for the exams now?" Chouji asked between mouthfuls.

eventually, you can lie sure but you can only keep it up for so long- is this all your life's going to be one lie

"Yeah... Tsunade-sama said they'll need me to run back and forth a lot during the actual thing so she might as well cut me a bit of slack on the paperwork... I think word's gotten out about how much I slack off on it anyway."

after the other? How much do you hate yourself now- because you fucking know it, don't you, what you're doing to her and to yourself

"Eh? Well that works out just fine for you, Shikamaru! I never got what work went into those chuunin exams anyway, they don't seem like much..." Ino wondered out loud.

and not to mention what he's doing to you. But you like it- love it- need it- crave it, don't you, you sick bastard how can you manage to write this now

"Alot of work, Ino... we have to sort through the applications and the invitations and the negotiations between the invited nobles... and the villages themselves. The chuunin exams- they're like a war between the great countries in themselves, after all... it's a lot to take care of, all the time."

without so much as changing your expression when you're face to face with the very people that trust you and that you're so shamelessly

"But what's there to do during the actual exams themselves? Other than the usual... watching for cheaters in the first stage, things like that..."

"Arguments break out and they turn into fights- we need to keep those down, meaningless deaths are troublesome. The chuunin exams are really important, Ino- we need to scare them, we need them to understand that they areninja, that this isn't a game, that they're lives are actually at risk."

lying to? Damnit, Sasuke, I

"Sorry," Shikamaru said, standing up abruptly. "I'm not feeling too well..." He shook his head and pushed Ino down gently by her shoulders before she could voice her concern. "I'm fine. Stay and finish the food with Chouji. I'm just tired... it was a long day today. I'll go home and rest up... I'll see you tomorrow." He didn't wait for a reply before leaving the restaurant, didn't turn around- only made sure to crumple up the paper in his hand and stuff it in his pocket.

---

Sasuke gazed at the setting sun from the rooftops.

He was surprised, honestly, that he hadn't run into Kakashi again up here. With all that stalking... and the older jounin always hung around on rooftops, after all, reading that damned book of his.

Kakashi's habits were hardly the focus of his thoughts, at the moment.

Being in Konoha still felt strange. Not as if he wasn't here before- it was just that he never really was here. Never really stayed. Never considered it a place to went back to. And now- just as he was beginning to dare to call the village a home- the cold reality of his existence got in the way. He was never meant to have a home. Never meant to stay in one place. Never meant to be happy.

He had other things to do with his life.

Sasuke's darked eyes followed the familiar tied hair and slouching gait as it left the restaurant door, gaze trailing the chuunin as he dragged his feet steadily towards his house. Despite himself the Uchiha's gaze lingers slightly on the curve of the chuunin's neck, the rise and fall of that chest just barely visible through the familiar layers of the padded green vest...

"I think he's losing his mind."

Sasuke smirked to himself quietly, thinking back to what Neji had said. He was sure that Neji was the one losing his mind. There was no way that any of it was true. But now- somehow now he vaguely entertained the thought. Neji did know Shikamaru relatively well (not as well as Sasuke did, of course- Shikamaru was his), and was one of the others that were at least close to their level of thinking- perhaps he did know something, after all, he mused to himself.

...to let it affect your life, he thought, watching the chuunin's figure vanish into the crowds. You care that much about it?

"...You care that much about it?"

Sasuke nodded, gazing at his brother. He felt kind of nervous- and thought that it was strange he should feel that way infront of him... but it was only natural, after all. Itachi was so well known throughout the clan, throughout the village- pride of the Uchiha. Everything Sasuke did was measured up to him... and everything Sasuke did infront of him- it felt like he was being judged.

Itachi gazed calmly forward, never turning around to face Sasuke, his face blank and gaunt as always. He was a great older brother, but his face never changed. Some people were scared of him because of it. Sasuke knew better.

"Nii-san, you promised..."

"I said another day. I didn't promise you today."

Sasuke felt as though he'd been stung. He looked downward, rubbing his foot against his ankle and shuffling abit in apparent shame. "But I thought-"

"What you thought is no reason to miss out on so many things at the Academy, Sasuke."

Sasuke had been looking forward to his brother finally keeping his promise- so much so that he'd managed to somehowavoid some academy exercises and space out during lessons, much to his teacher's chagrin. He turned away, but scowled slightly. "But nii-san, the Academy's so boring..."

"You still have to go. So that you can become stronger."

Become stronger. Sasukedid want to become stronger- so that one day he'd be something to his family, something to his older brother, something other than "Uchiha Itachi's younger brother". But it was all Itachi ever talked about- the only thing that seemed to matter in Itachi's cold, empty eyes. "I don't listen most of the time anyway... and I still always top all the classes in everything."

"Good."

Sasuke waited for something more, but Itachi didn't continue. The young ninja frowned and crossed his arms. "Hmph- I don't get it, nii-san. You always ask me to be good and train and be stronger but how can I do that if you won't teach me?"

"That's what the Academy Sensei is for."

"But I can't learn from them!" Sasuke insisted. "I already know what they're teaching the others and they won't tell me anything more... the Academy is so... limiting."

"Hm." Itachi stood up- turned around. "The Academy is... limiting?"

Sasuke nodded dumbly as Itachi stepped forward slowly- he couldn't help the sensation of fear- it was something he had grown used to- he had too, after all, it was just something Itachi carried with him. Did I say something wrong...?

He drew a quick breath when Itachi paused infront of him- when Itachi's slender, pale hands reached for his cheek- they felt cool, to the touch, almost cold, as they gently slid up the side of his face, tilting his chin upwards- Itachi's brows were slightly furrowed, his mouth twisted into something that looked almost like concern, but his eyes were always blank and expressionless. It felt- strange.

"Yes, it is limiting," he heard Itachi whisper in a barely-audible voice- probably to himself more than anything. "Everything is..."

There was something in his brother's voice that frightened him, a light in his eyes he had never seen before. "But that won't happen," Itachi muttered- his lips barely moved as he spoke. "Will it... Sasuke?"

Sasuke froze, stiffened, unsure of what to make of the situation- did he do something wrong? What was Itachi doing? There was just something in the way Itachi whispered his name that sent a shudder down his spine and hold his breath. And for a fleeting moment that was all there was- a breath drawn in anticipation, a cold hand on his cheek that felt like it lingered for far longer than it did.

"I won't let them stop you," Itachi said quietly, withdrawing his hand and turning away in one smooth motion, gaze trailing upwards to the sky. In the silence that followed, Sasuke stood awkwardly behind him, not sure if he should leave- but Itachi spoke again after a few minutes. "It really means that much to you, hm?"

Sasuke nodded before realizing his brother probably couldn't see it. "H-hai."

"Very well, then," Itachi said, walking off. "Just this once."

Sasuke paused as his brother left, rooted to the spot and confused- but it only took one questioning backwards glance before he beamed and sprinted forward to walk at Itachi's side.

Hm. Random memories. How very... troublesome.

Sasuke caught sight of a figure darting back and forth on distant rooftops- managed to catch sight of a wild shock of silver hair. He glanced at a clock perched on a window visible from his chosen rooftop.

It's almost time.

He pushes himself off the concrete wall and turns toward the forest- turning over his shoulder to glance at the approaching figure. A frown hovered on his features ever-so-briefly before it was replaced by a knowing smirk.

Not this time, Kakashi.

He leapt into the forest- that he had called his home for years- and vanished into it's shadows and it's depths.

I won't let you stop me.

---

need you.

Shikamaru sat uneasily on the bed, running his hands over his slightly shaking arms- he had already cast the vest and jacket aside (maybe out of discomfort, maybe out of anticipation). He waited in the dark, glancing back and forth to his shivering hands to the window that had been open since the morning, to the clock by his bedside, just barely visible in the soft moonlight.

Eleven fifty-four.

It was far longer than he ever waited. He fidgeted uneasily on the bed, reaching into his pocket to pull out crumpled paper that poked uncomfortably against his side as he moved- read the word's he'd scribbled all of it, from the potential questions down to the ranting and damnit, Sasuke, I need you.

He laughed drily- he couldn't help it, the reaction almost instinctive. He held the paper in a tightly clenched fist, staring at the clock as the time ticked slowly by. Needed him? Needed him? I don't need him for anything.

But you do, that voice argued.

I hate him.

But you need him, it chided. Almost crave it... you want it.

He turned his gaze away from the clock, as though it could help him turn away from the thoughts in his mind.

Why are you waiting for him, then?

He wasn't waiting for him. He wasn't waiting for anyone. He'd just rather get it over with than fall asleep and be forced awake, that was all- he wanted to enjoy his sleep without being interrupted by some troublesome person. That was all.

Midnight. Fifteen past midnight. Still no signs of anyone or anything.

He lay on his side now, wide awake, staring straight out the window into the trees. He twitched and flinched every time there was a movement in the branches- a bird, a squirrel, a passing breeze, but never anything more. He listened to the quiet of the night, the distant crickets- his ragged breaths and the sound of paper crumpling in his fidgeting hands.

Still waiting?

In a sudden flash of anger pulled himself upright and hurled the paper out the window where it rustled past the tree branches and was lost in the night.

Twelve forty.

Cursing he turned away from the clock and the window and threw himself back on the bed- and waited. Only nothing came. And in the hours and hours of listening to harsh breaths and distant sounds and the steady tick-tick-ticking of that damned clock, the only thing that greeted him was the feel of the first rays of sunshine against his cheek.

Shikamaru couldn't help thinking- maybe he's finally gone. Maybe he's finally done with whatever this was. Maybe he's finally moved on. Maybe the bastard would leave him alone and he could rebuild his life and tear down the lies he had built up around him. Maybe he could learn to love her. Maybe he would earn his forgiveness. Maybe that silent wish of him going away was somehow heard and answered- maybe, just maybe, there was hope.

But he couldn't sleep.

---

A/N: Eh... last part feels abit... rushed. I think I might do some touch up on it while working on the next chapter.

Thanks again reviewers, and I hope you enjoyed this. As always, the next is on the way and feel free to drop me a message!