---

twelve

MEMORIES

I always used to dream of the past
but like they say, yesterday never comes
sometimes there's a song in my brain
and I feel that my heart knows the refrain

I guess it's just the music that brings on nostalgia for the past

about the future I can only reminiscence
for what I've had is what I'll never get
and although this may sound strange
my future and my past are presently disarranged

and I'm surfing on a wave of nostalgia for an age yet to come

ah, nostalgia for an age yet to come

Nostalgia, Buzzcocks

---

When Shikamaru started to emerge from the depths of sleep, he noticed several things.

First, that he could see through the window the final light of the sun as it sank beneath the horizon- he must've slept through the day into the following evening. He had finally earned himself some rest, but clearly it wasn't enough to counterbalance five sleepless nights.

Second, he vaguely remembered holding flowers when he had slipped into sleep. He was curled on his side under the sheets, and his hands felt quite empty.

Third, he could still smell the flowers. It was sweet and subtle, and it nearly made him drift off yet again...

Fourth- the window was closed.

Fifth- that made no sense. The window was never closed, not since... Had his parents come home early had checked on his room- no, he locked the door- keys? Maybe, but they tended to respect his want for solitude.

Sixth- there was another weight on the bed, and it was comforting- pressed lightly against his back. There was also something- a hand? Yes, a hand, resting calmly on his shoulder. It was warm- comforting. Gentle. So unlike-

...Sasuke?

He summoned up what strength he could to turn his head, blinking and trying to focus the image that hovered before his eyes through the bleary fog. Sure enough, a figure sat next to him on the bed, slouched over, head low, facing the blank wall. He wore black- always wore black- and soon enough he recognised the tell-tale hairstyle and the pale skin. On impulse Shikamaru reached out, just to be sure it wasn't a dream- his own shoulder nudged the figure slightly, but he stretched his hand until he felt the feather-light touch of hair and the feel of skin.

So... you're real after all. Not just a dream, Shikamaru thought- he saw a slight twitch in Sasuke's body the moment his shoulder had moved- for some reason he didn't quite want to move his hand, as much energy as it seemed to take from his weary body. Sasuke's head turned ever-so-slowly, and for a brief moment their eyes met. In a fleeting moment that lasted forever (but was all too short), they gazed at each other, Sasuke's hand resting gently on his shoulder, his hand just barely tracing Sasuke's cheek.

God, I'm tired... Shikamaru turned his head back into the pillow and lowered his arm back to the mattress with a fistful of bedsheets- or at least he tried to. "Damnit, Sasuke," he murmured- barely audible, more to himself than to the pillow, let alone to Sasuke. "Stop hogging the sheets."

Shikamaru could feel it in the way he tensed, the way the silence stretched- Shikamaru could practically see his eyes widen slightly, the same smirk curl on his lips. "...No."

"Tch," Shikamaru grumbled. "So damn troublesome..." he tried to bury his head further in his pillow, trying to fall asleep again. Damn Sasuke. What's he doing here anyway?

It was then that it finally hit him.

---

So that's where you are... who would've thought.

Kakashi had, in fact, given up on finding Sasuke. He supposed it was true, that you always find it when you aren't looking for it.

He had spent three full days with Sakura searching relentlessly. They combed through the surrounding forests and the village, double-checked- no, triple checked- every nook and cranny. They were tired, exhausted- but determined. Giving up would've been a last resort. But Kakashi knew, hope would be painful- and they would've gone on searching for days, weeks, months, if he hadn't said it was time to stop. Time to face fact. Time to face the truth. They shouldn't have started the search in the first place. Sasuke was gone.

Kakashi had resigned to the fact that he had failed.

Even Sakura was more adamant than he was and continued searching. He couldn't bring himself to. He simply failed again- like he had before. So many times. What made him think this time, he could succeed- that this time, it could be better? False hope made the days easier, but in the end all it brought was pain- and Kakashi knew this all too well. For the rest of the days up until now he spent lurking in the shadows of the Uchiha residence, in the forest hollows where Sasuke had trained, on the rooftops- trying to find out where he had gone wrong. Trying to find out what he should've done, what he should've said... so that next time, there would be no such mistake.

If he gave himself that chance again.

No matter how he thought about it- it always seemed that everything he did was what was wrong, not just one misunderstood gesture, one stray word.

What else did he do wrong? Who else had he failed? At first he couldn't face it- but eventually he forced himself to. In the evening he began his rounds around the village, checking on the people he had come to care for- the people he had sworn to protect. Sakura was missing from her room- no doubt searching still. It was after he had double-checked everyone, assured himself that nothing was wrong, that he thought to drop by that name that he had added onto his list a few weeks ago.

And there he was.

Sasuke.

Kakashi had seen him through the window- clear as day, sitting quietly next to a sleeping Shikamaru. He had seen the boy a few days before and overheard some conversations- wasn't Shikamaru supposed to be some kind of rampant insomniac now? But there he was, sleeping soundly- Sasuke at his side. It brought many intriguing questions to mind, and many more intriguing theories.

...damn Icha Icha Paradise books.

When the sheer relief at catching sight of Sasuke began to fade a little, Kakashi began to doubt himself. He realized that he had given up on himself- and on Sasuke. That he was still here after all... the maybe, just maybe, they could still allow themselves some hope.

He found it somewhat annoying that once the thought that Sasuke might be saved after all settled in his mind, his first impulse was to once again re-tackle the question of why the hell Sasuke chose Shikamaru. Especially now.

I didn't stop you, Kakashi thought. But maybe he will.

really wish I knew why, though. Damn.

He had watched as Shikamaru stirred himself awake and reached out- and in that awkward moment when the two boys looked at each other, Kakashi decided that he had places to go and things to see, thoroughly convinced of his own perverted theories. He'd best tell Sakura he'd found Sasuke, after all, and they still needed to try and understand him...

Heh, Sasuke, Kakashi thought. Should I tell her I found you in Shika-kun's bedroom?

---

Shikamaru almost hurled himself off the bed and onto his feet and quite openly stared. He had no idea where he found the energy to do so, but it seemed that it was anger that was lending him strength- and he could feel it coursing through him, into his clenched fists and rigid body, but the only voice he could give to it was "What the hell, Sasuke?"

Shikamaru expects Sasuke to smirk and ignore him- to stand up and walk away or push him against the wall and have his way, and either way Shikmaru's anger would vanish and be long forgotten. It was something he knew to be inevitable- but at the moment, he could hardly care. Sasuke was here- Sasuke was here, and he'd better say everything now- I'm not going to let you slip away.

But Shikamaru was wrong.

Sasuke doesn't move, scarcely reacts at all, still slouched, sitting on the edge of the bed, his head low. The chuunin couldn't read his face, turned away as it was- but for a moment he fancies that somehow Sasuke was quiet, troubled, that the feeling in the air was one of a kind of resigned sorrow. It does not take him long to discount the thought- for after all, who had ever known Sasuke to be that kind of person- and why would he seek anything here?

Here. Why was he here? Five days- five days he had been gone. Why come back, all of a sudden?

( Shikamaru does not ask "Why leave", not because the answer was apparent, but because somehow he didn't want to face that the reasons were leaving were so simple and right.

And because it implied he was missed. Which he was most definitely not. )

"Surprised to see me?"

And normally Shikamaru would tch in annoyance and turn away, but of course now was far from normal.

But even still he was supposed to get more angry- but he didn't, because he always believed, it was not in what you said, but the way you said it- and Sasuke's voice was so different from the cold, mocking drawl he had come to expect. It still carried similar- but somehow different- coldness, but where there was twisted amusement and quiet malice (and at times raw desire) there was nothing- an empty feeling. Almost of hollowness. Almost of regret.

But what would Sasuke regret? Arrogant bastard.

Anger will get you nowhere, Shikamaru, he told himself. Emotions were troublesome things most of the time... they made you act in ways you otherwise never would, and got in the way of reasoning. And how many shinobi had lost themselves to anger or depression, despite their skill? Many- they had all heard the tales. Sasuke's playing with you. Don't give him the pleasure. A few deep breaths. A silence that with anyone else might have felt too long and too awkward, but between them had become nothing but normal. The muscles in his arms relaxed, the furrows vanished from his brows and the anger faded from his face- he returned to the default neutral position that he greeted everyone else with, hands in his pockets, weight leaned to one side, a faraway look in his eyes. "You could say that."

There were all too many words running through his head- things he wanted to say, wanted Sasuke to know, but he damned well was never letting him know (and it made sense, somehow). Surprised? Damn well I'm surprised, leave me alone for five days and then come back out of the blue...

"Miss me?" As mocking and sharp and biting as the words themselves were- again his voice was empty. Defeated.

"Pheh." Well- fuck this- yes. Yes, I missed you, or at the very least I missed something. Maybe I missed the sex.

He waited for a reply, but the silence stretched on. Shikamaru sat heavily on the opposite edge of the bed. "Troublesome..."Whatever. I was missing something or another in the past five days, enough to nearly cost me my sanity and five night's worth of rest... "What's wrong with you?"

Shikamaru heard him draw a sharp breath- but that was the only reaction he got, and it wasn't long before it settled back into a regular rhythm. With more defeat than anger the chuunin put the questions aside, knowing they would get no answers, threw a pillow onto his lap and rested his head on arms crossed on top of it. If he wasn't getting answers, he might as well get rest.

Sasuke didn't seem to object.

( Shikamaru tried to ignore the fact that he had expected Sasuke to crawl over and push him down by now- maybe even hoped for it- and that the lack of response worried concerned meant nothing to disturbed annoyed him. )

He closed his eyes.

---

So that was what it was.

She understood, now.

And here she was, outside his door again, a bouquet in her hand, knocking and waiting and knocking again like she had the days before. And of course, being herself, this eventually escalated into punching and in one instance, kicking, and loud yells along the lines of "Shikamaru, if you don't open this door right now--" followed immediately by threats of varied nature and severity.

And she stood there, suddenly silent, fists closed tightly and teeth clenched- the usual calm before the storm, and she supposed Neji recognized it by now.

"Ino, that's enough."

She hits the door with force anyway. "Shikamaru!" she yelled- but of course, there was no reply. She remained there, arms crossed, tapping her foot, before turning and storming away. She walked past the white-robed Hyuuga standing quietly behind her, remarking loudly, "Same lazy bum as always." She saw Neji shake his head from the corner of her eye, saw him follow her quietly. Like she was something to worry about.

Pfft.

"He'll come out eventually." Even Ino could hear that he didn't believe it, even as he said it. She rolled her eyes and continued moving. "When he's ready."

"We've already been at his door everyday for so long now," she said.

"Yes, and I don't think his door could take much more."

"Very funny." She smiled, but Neji couldn't see that.

They didn't talk much after that, but as she walked Ino allowed a frown to cross her face. She wanted to know of he was okay. And...

Please don't think I'm angry, Shikamaru.

---

"You know nothing about me."

Shikamaru didn't need Sasuke to point that out. He'd scarcely been able to fall asleep for maybe a few minutes when that blasted woman's screaming threatened to pierce his eardrums. He could ignore knocks, even really loud knocks, but her voice was really, really high-pitched when she was angry. And of course she was angry. He couldn't blame her, after all he'd done- she had probably figured it out long ago, or maybe Neji told her. He didn't just open the door and tell her to go away- because, then, she'd stop coming.

He grunted in a half-reply and fell sideways on the bed, still keeping to his edge, face still buried in his pillow.

"My brother killed my family- and my entire clan."

Well, he knew that. Everyone knew that. But just... just what was Sasuke getting at? And the way he talked... it unnerved him more with every passing second. He had gotten used to the cruelty that lurked behind that voice, and the hollowness of it now was nothing short of disturbing.

"But he was my brother."

The pauses between those chunks of speech were long and strange and bitter- and Shikamaru had no idea what Sasuke was getting at, and more importantly, Shikamaru had no idea why.

"He wasn't a cold calculating demon that murdered his family when he finally snapped."

...which, honestly enough, was what Shikamaru had assumed him to be. A cruel genius who grew tired of others, and one fine day they simply couldn't control him and he snapped.

"He was my brother."

Shikamaru knew that.

"I loved him."

Shikamaru didn't know that.

Loving your brother. Something that wasn't unusual in the slightest- the bond of brotherhood is one of the strongest bonds a person could have. They would grow up together- share everything. Share their house. Share their belongings. Share their parents. Share their blood. But somehow the word Love from Sasuke's lips just felt so...

"I was... happy."

But how could a brother that loved you take away everything you loved? Only a monster. Only a demon. Or maybe, Shikamaru realized- he left you alive. Why? Guilt? Conscience? Brotherhood?

"He was always a genius."

Yes, Shikamaru knew that too. Uchiha Itachi. Chuunin by the age of nine, jounin all too quickly after. ANBU captain by the age of fourteen. Legendary genius, prodigy of the Uchiha- gone painfully, painfully, wrong.

"He was always the wall that I had to overcome."

Of course. Sasuke always excelled in everything in the Academy- his grades far outstripped anyone else, by gigantic margins. But there was only one thing Sasuke ever had to overcome- and that was his brother. Life must've been hard for him, with so many expectations- which was always why Shikamaru avoided them, troublesome things. The only thing his father expected was for his son to inherit his laziness and God knows his mother expected nothing of him. This must've been the most he'd ever heard Sasuke speak. He must've hated-

"But I never hated him."

He never did? Was Itachi that good of a brother, Shikamaru had to wonder- and then something hit him. Never did. Was it possible, that, even now...?

"When we graduated the academy. Kakashi."

Sasuke had never called the jounin sensei- the thought of him callinganyone sensei was strange. Why had he jumped from Itachi to Kakashi? That made no sense... was Sasuke telling him anything at all, or was he just musing out loud to himself? ...when Shikamaru was still in the room? Since when did they know each other enough? Since when were they intimate? Since when did Sasuke trust him- trust anyone- since when were they friends!?

"Kakashi didn't know me either... but he knew the same pain. He knew me more than most did."

Shikamaru had always wondered just what that eccentric jounin had been through... so strange were his antics. Enough to compare with your family being slaughtered by your own brother? Shikamaru felt a weight being lifted off the mattress- and opened his eyes and turned his head to see Sasuke walk quietly around the bed, to gaze out the window at the moon, hanging in the sky. He caught a glimpse of those eyes before Sasuke turned away- eyes that were always filled with lust or desire or anger and hatred, now empty and hollow and filled with nothing but a passive sadness, a defeated regret. Something that, in Sasuke, was simply entirely alien.

"And then Naruto..."

Naruto. The two of them were always at odds with each other- always fighting, arguing, bickering, but when it came down to it they would have protected each other with their lives- back then, anyway. Shikamaru even heard that Sasuke had once nearly given up his life protecting that hyperactive shinobi. Now? So much had changed. The long silences between the words, the disconnection between them- he probably really was just musing aloud to himself after all. And somehow, felt comfortable enough to do so while Shikamaru was still there.

...Why?

"My brother's eyes..."

Anything like your eyes, Sasuke? So full of hate and anger and vengeance- but somehow not now. What happened to him these past few days? Shikamaru stared at the back of Sasuke's head, still gazing fixedly out the window, pale hands gripping the windowsill. Did an image of his brother's eyes haunt Sasuke's memories- the way his own had haunted Shikamaru, the weeks that now felt so long before?

"...and you."

---

He's still here?

Kakashi wasn't sure what he expected- but this was what he had hoped for, when he decided just to take a glance into Shikamaru's room later in the night. Just a small peak. He was still here, they were both awake, and neither was screaming or struggling or running away.

What a choice you must have made, Sasuke.

A choice that the jounin had never thought his former student would make... but it was the right choice. He hoped. He hadn't failed after all. There really was hope. There were things to hope for still- and this time, this time, maybe they wouldn't turn out to be nothing but empty dreams and hollow lies, projections of the guilt from the failures of his fractured life. Maybe this time.

...or maybe he did fail. But Kakashi can see those eyes when Sasuke looks out the window- he can't risk getting close enough to get a proper look, but something just feels different. Maybe he did fail- but... Kakashi's eyes wandered to the silhouette on the bed, that he knew was Shikamaru.

Where I failed... you may have just succeeded.

---

Me.

He started slightly- why would he have any role to play other than someone on whom to vent the sexual frustrations of a teenage boy? It was what Shikamaru assumed his role to be. It was not good, it was not healthy, but it made perfect sense (and really maybe worked both ways). Damnit, Sasuke. Why? The only thing Shikamaru had gathered so far from this bizarre interlude- no answers. Only more questions. But before Shikamaru could think further, Sasuke turned around.

His eyes were almost... sad.

Only for a moment- but then the moment was gone, and his eyes were again cold, again emotionless- a hint of mocking and desire crept behind them, but somehow it still felt different. Shikamaru stared back wordlessly.

"But why would you care... Shikamaru?" he whispered, with a small laugh and a smirk.

He said my name, Shikamaru realized dimly- but it was a far off thought, for not long after Sasuke stepped forward and pushed him down onto the bed.

But it was different. It was softer. It wasn't as harsh- and Sasuke's hands cradled his head as that tongue continued to search, and Shikamaru's eventually found the way into the other's dark hair. A kiss was a kiss, Shikamaru had always thought- awkward and clumsy and full of lust and want and need. But this- softer. Gentler. It dared him- it dared him to think, to even dare to hope, that this could be anything at all, anything more.

But it never went further.

Shikamaru couldn't tell how long they stayed like that, arms around each other, tongues intertwining, hands tracing patterns on hair and skin- but Shikamaru noticed, that at some point, Sasuke's hand must have found his- because there they were, their fingers intertwined and holding on (as if afraid that it would vanish if they let go).

It lasted forever- but again it was far too short. And Sasuke pulled away from him and simply turned away- stayed on the bed, their backs touching, the weight and contact strangely warm and comforting- and Shikamaru might've thought he'd fallen asleep if not for the fact that his hand was being gripped so tightly.

And he was gripping back, as well.

So many questions- and so many things to say. What was this- this random night? Did it mean anything? Did he dare to dream that it could be anything more? Is this real? Are you real- why? Why did you leave? Why did you come back? Damnit, Sasuke...

Don't lie to me. Shikamaru closes his eyes- and it feels so comfortable that he could simply slip into sleep, but his thoughts kept him awake for those last few moments. Don't use me. And he thought of Ino, but he pushed it away before he could sink into guilt and despair yet again. Don't let me believe it and then take it away. So many things to say- but nothing he could say. Nothing he did say. At least tell me or something the next time you vanish... but... but he finally managed to just say one thing, before giving in into well-needed rest.

"Don't leave me like that again."

---

A/N: Short chapter, because that's where it's supposed to end. Came out faster, as well. Just so you guys know, the story's ending soon- in fact the way it's planned, it finished on chapter fifteen. This will be abit of a long author's note... ;

So much love to reviewers, thank you all! I'm pretty sure I've replied to all of you but if I missed you out feel free to bash me on the head and I'll get back to you after I regain conciousness.

I'm actually pretty amazed I have 23 reviews and over 2k views, I kind of assumed such a crack!pairing would gain little attention. But apparently not! So thank you, any of you who've read.

I have some ideas on what to do after this already- things like fic challenges, like the 100 prompts challenge, sounds great.Meaning, on the other hand- Reason's sequel- is currently making friends with Schrödinger's cat.

I'm not sure if I should do it or not... while the relationship so far has been fun to write, it's mostly been pure angst but there's a lot more about their relationship I want to explore than the planned boundaries of this fic reaches. I do feel it ends in an appropiate place, though, so I am torn. I'll leave it up to you, dear readers.

Shameless livejournal pimp! Link be in my profile, folks, I'll update as the fic updates and such. Friend me, post a comment, poke the journal, ignore the link, your choice.

Oh my god, have you seen the word count? This thing is a novella!

The story's taken a bit of a turn, don't you think? So many more questions...