The bleeding loss of blood runs cold
-Faunts M4 Part II
I'm running down the promenade in the Presidium; I can hear shouting, some in languages I don't understand. But the screaming, that crosses the multilingual barrier, I understand it. Those screams pierce me at the very core of my being, they are primal, they are final. I don't know what's happening at first. I assumed the Reapers. But as I run towards the edge of the bridge that crosses over the water, I saw. Cerberus. They were killing people in swathes… gunning them down like cattle.
Cerberus, the three headed dog that guards the gateway to Hades and the underworld; I've always wondered why the Illusive Man chose that particular motif. Three heads, one to see the past, one to see the present, and one to see the future. Yup, if it looks like an arrogant dictator with a God complex, smells like an arrogant dictator… Does the Illusive man really believe he is guarding the future of humanity? How can you guard humanity, by removing those aspects, which define us. When I think of those soulless Husk/Human troops on Mars, I shudder. For me, removal of autonomy is a step too far. Hell, it's not one step is it… it's a sprint, and you never get to look back at what you've left behind. I think he chose the wrong Symbol. All I see is a man who saw fit to decide the fates of billions, who effectively would see every other race die for Humanity. There was a being once, who was jealous of Human souls and saw fit to rebel against his superiors, believing that he was the better. His high standing was torn from him and he was cast out, to spend the rest of his days, tempting, tricking, tormenting and capturing the souls of the weak and unfortunate, to create an army. The irony being, he never had a soul of his own. I don't know about you, but that sounds God damn familiar to me.
My thoughts came quick and fast. I concluded they'd come to take the Citadel. I looked at the people below and tried to give them enough covering fire to run. It wasn't enough. I took cover by the wall and tried to form a plan. I knew what I had to do, but that didn't make getting up and doing it any easier. I had a duty to protect the Council; I needed to find them now. But I could still hear the sounds of people dying below me. God, why was this so fucking hard? I got up and ran; I didn't look back. I felt sick. Was I doing the right thing?
As soon as I found the Council I knew we were in for a rough ride and I had to get them out of here. I had no idea where the Salarian diplomat was and while I tried hard to find him, I couldn't risk the three remaining members of the Council to find him. I took a circumvented route to the shuttle Udina said was available, not really wanting to be out in the open. Trouble hit us in the elevator and I took pot shots above me to warn off the Cerberus troops. To our dismay the shuttle had been destroyed, we had no alternative but to turn around and take out chances with the elevator.
When Shepard walked out of the elevator, I didn't know what to think. He had his gun drawn and he walked out with purpose.
It was easy to kill the Reapers forces, they were soulless husks of the beings they once were, they had no families, no husbands or wives, no desire or drive. They were just the indoctrinated agents of our cultural destruction. So when you are confronted with a living, free willed being at the other end of your weapon, it should give you pause for thought. You should pause - if you can, if you're given the choice - for thought.
I had Shepard lined up in my sights. My thoughts, black eddies of suffocating confusion and doubt. Betrayal, they whispered, betrayer, betrayed. My finger lightly touched the trigger, I felt cold icicles of fear stab in my gut, and the nauseating horror of my situation envelope me. I could hardly breathe. Am I breathing? I keep my face impassive, I dare not show one micron of the tumult inside. I take the initiative.
"What's going on, Shepard? This looks bad, your gun drawn on a councillor." I do not lower my weapon, I do not blink – I know how fast Shepard is. My fear is as swirling and leaden as a mass effect core. I want to ignore Udina's words that Shepard still with Cerberus, but I can't, they mirror the whispers in my head.
"Kaidan, I can explain…" I hear his words, but I'm watching his eyes, mouth and body. He lowers his gun, standing down and indicates for Garrus and Liara to do the same: they do. I watch them too. They follow his every command, every signal. I see their eyes resolute, their bodies standing firm, their belief in him… just as resolute.
Shepard's eyes turn the wave of suspicion inside me; he is looking at me the way he did in Huerta, when he said I was special. He tells me there is no time to negotiate and I believe him. I believe him because the alternative is to kill him and whatever Shepard is, he doesn't deserve that. Paranoia still whispers in the darkest heart of me; I push it away. It comes down to this, I'm not prepared to kill Shepard on Udina's say so; one of them is a proven scumbag.
I look Shepard in the eyes, "I'd better not regret this."
I know turning my back to Shepard means I might be dead, if the voices are right. I turn and point my gun at Udina. I pause. But unlike pointing my gun at Shepard, I've wanted to shoot that unscrupulous bastard from day one. I still remember, Udina. When he pulls out a gun from nowhere and points it at the Asari Councillor, the time for thought is gone and I'm ready to pull the trigger. Shepard takes the shot before I can finish deciding to. I should feel bad for Udina, I guess, but really, I don't. I turn to Shepard and a wave of nausea hits me like a slap in the face.
I see in Shepard's face he has no regrets killing Udina; there is hardness and a complete lack of emotion. His jaw is clenched tight. I try to speak to him before he leaves, but I don't get the chance. He's off clearing up the remaining Cerberus troops; I would've gone with them, but the council asked me to wait awhile with them. I couldn't refuse them. He didn't look at me once. I doubted him again. I questioned him again. Will he forgive me again?
While I am waiting with the Council, I get a communication from Hackett. He wants me to join the fleet, or at least, the option is open to me if I'm not going with Shepard. Does he know something I don't? Of course, I want to go with Shepard. But then, I think I should talk with him first. Does he even want me on his ship now?
My mind wanders into the dark places again. I can't help wondering, would he have killed me? What would have happened if I didn't back down? What would have happened if he didn't? Could I have really killed him? The reality is, no… I couldn't. There's that doubt again; we're old friends now. Now I'm thinking; could Shepard have killed me as easily, as he pulled the trigger, to kill Udina? The second-guessing termites burrow their way into my head and soon I find, I don't know anything anymore. The Council soon get their relief and relieve me of watching them. My only thoughts are of Shepard and I know where to wait to find him.
I wait by the Normandy airlock. I know Shepard will turn up here eventually and he does. He looks surprised to see me here and pleased as well.
"Kaidan, hey, I wondered where you went," he quickly assesses I am here for a reason, but sounds casual about it. "What's up?"
I tell him. He seems to think I'm angry about what happened, couldn't be farther from the truth. I try to explain how I feel, but the words aren't coming easily. To my surprise, he seems unsurprised by my problem with everything. Perhaps he was waiting for it.
"I'm just not used to starring down the gun of someone I've worked with so closely." Or someone I care about more than I care to think about.
"Ok, talk to me, Kaidan."
"I feel if I hadn't backed down, you would have taken me out." He nods, he understands where I'm coming from.
"I trusted you, Kaidan, I knew you would come around. That's all that matters." I can see he means that. I can see he really believes he understands me that well. But then I think of Udina and I need to understand his motivations.
"Yeah, but sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard. Later, when you have to live with yourself." And really, I'm not aiming that at him, I'm aiming it at myself too. I could have shot him, just as he could have down the same to me. I'm not asking him if I think he acted with integrity, I am asking him if he thought I had… as I have been asking myself for the last few hours.
"You mean Udina? Any soldier would have done the same, including you." It's like there is a double-layered conversation, the question asked and the answer given, but underneath there is more meaning to it. Shepard is also referring to the stand-off between us.
"Ok." I say simply. So now, I bit the bullet and ask if I can join him on the Normandy, or I'm off to join Hackett's fleet, because I have to; there's no waiting anymore.
Shepard smiles when I say, "I'd turn Hackett down in a second if there's a chance to join you on the Normandy."
"I couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you." I'm taken aback that he so easily accepts me back on his crew. I thank him and then I realise the reason he didn't ask me before, because of Horizon, I'd turned him down. Perhaps he didn't want to put me in an awkward situation. In a microsecond, I feel dreadful; Shepard didn't doubt or question me.
I blurt out, "I need you to know, I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back."
He smiles again, but broader this time with the confidence I have come to associate with him. "Good to know," he says, but his eyes say he always knew. He has a faith in me that I've never had for myself. I keep doubting him and he keeps showing me he is, as he has always been, an honourable man. I feel those embers ignite fully and I know I don't want to fight it anymore. I don't care that he doesn't feel the same way; I'll feel enough for the both of us.
It would be easy to follow and die for Shepard; it's seductive to me. I can serve the Alliance, save lives, make a difference and follow that man wherever he leads me. This is the path I want to take, this is the life… and death I want. It's not morbid; I'm not suicidal. I just feel balanced by knowing I've chosen how I want to live and die, and not by an implant, not by Cerberus, and not by the Reapers. Though they might be the Damocles swords hanging over me, I choose to walk beneath them. I have an unconquerable soul; Shepard has shown me as much.
'unconquerable soul' is a direct quote from 'Invictus' by William Ernest Henley, which if you have the time and inclination, you should read.
A/N: I would like to thank ramblinghyena & BloodyImperfections.x for their reviews, nothing pleases me more than knowing other people out there, like what I have written.