I need you to recover
Because I can't make it on my own
- Faunts M4 part II

The time Shepard and I spent together hadn't changed apart from one single thing. We only spent time together on the ship. He'd go off and have a few drinks with Vega and Cortez on the Citadel, lunch with Liara, but never with me again. I'll admit, there were hints of the green eyed monster, when I saw him and Cortez having quiet chats. But he never gave me reason to think that his friendships were anything else. I paid attention; I'd like to think it wasn't stalking or obsession. However, the time alone with him was at least private and I didn't have to worry about how he'd take things.

Alone, I was somewhat ambivalent about my situation. I have this deep feeling, that has become a part of me, I cannot remove it even if I wanted to. But then, I repress it because that's the right thing to do, the respectful thing to do. Never mind that I sit looking out at the stars wishing. There is a part of me that grieves the loss, I have gained a friend, it's not enough, but it will have to do. Sometimes when I look at him, I just can't bear it.

xxx

We were running and gunning, doing our best to keep the hoard off our backs. Another situation where we were fighting for our lives so that someone else had a chance to live. Then I was on my back, the world went dark and grainy, I struggled to focus. I think I may have blacked out, I don't know how much time passed before Shepard was standing over me, slapping my face. My head hurt, a lot. Shepard and Garrus were both looking concerned, well Shepard looking concerned, Garrus was staring… glaring maybe, at Shepard? My head throbbed and I reached up to touch it, my hand came back slick with blood.

"Careful, Kaidan, you took quite a blow. I've put some med-gel on it, but the Doc really has to have a look at it when we get back to the Normandy." I nod I understand, though I wished I hadn't, as a wave of pain arrives. The I see Shepard hop into the front of the shuttle to pilot it back to the Normandy. I'm confused. I look across from me and see Cortez slumped in a seat. I feel my face screw up, painfully, trying to work out what happened.

Garrus leans forward from his seat, "When you were knocked out on our way back, Cortez brought the shuttle down and laid down covering fire while we retreated. I've never seen Shepard run so fast. Cortez took the tail end of a grenade and he was knocked clean out. Shepard got us out of the way, but the Normandy was unable to meet us, so we set down here till the Normandy came round." Garrus's eyes twinkle mischievously, "Of course, when we realised you both weren't going to die and just wanted a nap, we relaxed a little… well I did. Shepard's like a mother bird."

"Mother hen," I say correcting Garrus because my thoughts were all over the place.

"Do you hear that, Shepard? Kaidan thinks you're a mother hen." If Garrus could wink, I think he would have then. Instead I saw his Turian smirk, kinda looked like a silent growl.

On the Normandy, the Doctor insists I have a day of rest. There's no concussion, but I can see on her face she is concerned about something. But she says nothing. Chakwas is an Alliance doctor; I am sure she can see my implant is degrading, but she has chosen, for the time being to say nothing. I love her for that, seriously. When Shepard asks how I am she takes him to one side and tells him I'm fine; she doesn't burden him either.

I wait till no-one else is around and put Chakwas out of her misery.

"Doc? If you're worrying about my implant, don't."

She turns to look at me, surprised and then annoyed. "Why didn't you tell me, Major?"

"Because you'd feel obliged to tell Shepard."

"Did you see me tell Shepard just now?" She tuts, annoyed with me, but there's a smile like this exactly the sort of thing she'd expect from me. "Well, Major, aren't you going to tell me the rest?"

I tell her everything the Citadel Doctor told me and she nods.

"Well, the time for prevention is clearly over. That implant will kill you eventually, but not today. I will monitor it and if I think I need to tell Shepard, I will, but not today. You will, however, take the meds and rest I prescribe or I will bust your ass myself, but…"

"Not today?"

She smiles at me, "I think we understand each other."

Chakwas didn't once tell me I should have the implant removed. This is because I think she fundamentally understands where we are at in this war. End of days and no second chances. No save and replay.

I do as I am told and go back to my room to rest. I lay in my bed for a long time awake wondering, thinking, and hoping we won't die tomorrow. I ache; not my head, that would be too easy. I still grieve for the things I will never know; things I will never have. I fall asleep and dream of Shepard for the first time in a long time. I'm following him through a maze, I haven't a clue where we are or where we are going, but he does and is confident. If I don't keep my eyes on him, he drifts away, so I cannot follow the path without him. We reach a bridge over an abyss and Shepard won't let me cross; I can see people on the other side. Before he leaves to cross the bridge, he looks me in the eyes. I see the fire. But then he turns to ash in front of me.

I wake up, sweating, heart racing.

I wish I had medication for the pain I feel. I wish sometimes it would go away like the migraines do. I wish Shepard felt the same.

I drag myself out of bed and decide I'm not getting any more sleep at this ungodly hour. I shower and dress, and head out for coffee. I'm pretty sure there won't be many people around at this time, but I was wrong. I get there and I hear voices. I immediately recognise Shepard and then Garrus, the strain in their voices makes me hold back, not wanting to intrude. I listen for a moment hovering between going back or going forward.

"Yeah, look I know what I did was risky."

"Shepard, what I saw down there wasn't risky, it was downright suicidal!"

"You're right, Garrus. I'll be more careful."

"I'm not judging. It's just that you were so desperate."

"So sue me… I don't like seeing my friends die!"

"It's not just that. You were frightened; the comm was open the entire time. I heard you."

"Of course I was frightened, Garrus, people were trying to kill me."

"You weren't frightened of the people trying to kill you. You were scared because you thought he was dying."

"I…"

"Shepard, I see what you are doing, don't think I don't understand… I do. You've got so much to live for, but it's all for everyone else. Nothing for you."

"That's all that matters; everything. I can't let anything else take my focus off that."

"On the contrary, perhaps that's exactly the focus you need."

"I'm not strong enough to hold it all together."

"Then don't; stop trying to force everything to fit the way you think it should fit and allow things to be as they are."

"I… I can't… The mission is everything."

"I'm here for you, Shepard. You know that and if you don't, I'm telling you. You don't have to be Commander Shepard all the time, especially around me. You're my friend, my brother-in-arms; there is nothing you can do at this stage to change the admiration and respect I have for you."

Silence.

"I've never known anyone as selfless as you, as controlled as you. And as the galaxy falls to shit around us, as people become more primitive and destructive, running in fear, I know you've got this. It's just… watching you like this - tormenting yourself - well… it's breaking my heart, Shepard."

Silence.

"Shepard?"

"Do Turian's have hearts?"

"If you ask a Turian, we'd say we have a heart that beats for war. Ask a Krogan the same thing, he'd say yes and they taste damn fine."

A snort of laughter. Then silence.

"Shepard?"

"I have a heart, Garrus; I just choose to use my brain to make all my decisions anything else is going to see me fail."

"I agree, and had your brain been making the decisions down on that planet I wouldn't be here now, nagging you."

"A lapse; it won't happen again."

"Yes, it will, Shepard, because this handle you have on everything is only going to become more pressured, more dangerous, and more desperate."

"Garrus, I would've done the same for you, for anyone else!"

"No, you wouldn't have and that's ok. What's not ok is you lying to yourself about the reasons why."

"I'm not in denial; God I only wish I was in denial that would be easy. Knowing it's there, know I could have what I want it's…"

"It's torture."

"It has to be this way."

"Well, I tried. Good for you though, your stubborn sense of duty in the face of your own misery is almost Turian in its unwavering relentlessness. My father will love you; assuming he survives… assuming we survive."

I hear them move off and I step out of the shadows I had hidden in. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but once I heard what they were talking about I couldn't help myself. I'm not entirely sure what I've just heard. I wipe wetness from my face and on to my leg. I feel a thousand spiders of hurt make a nest in my chest. It never occurred to me that he actually felt something for Cortez. Then, I can't help myself. I'm walking up to where I know I can access communications from, I want to know what Garrus heard Shepard say on the comm even though having it all confirmed for me is the last thing I want. It is the death of hope and there really isn't much worse than that.

I reach the main deck and use a console. No-one questions me looking over comms from the mission. I send them to the console in my room; this also is nothing to write home about. I make my way back to my room. I open the comms and the bottle of brandy that has sat untouched since Shepard and I last had a drink in here.

I listen to Shepard drag my sorry ass on to the shuttle, but I don't hear him say anything about Cortez. I don't understand. I wind it back further, to before I fall unconscious.

The scratchiness of the receiver in the helmet mike is made worse by the ambient sounds of gunfire, explosions, and heavy breathing.

"I'm going to flank left." That was me, I remember this part.

"I'm right behind you. Garrus, keep watch from above as best you can."

"Understood, Shepard."

There's more scratchy, heavy breathing for a few moments.

"Shepard, I can see a breach, I'm heading forward." Me again. I hate the sound of my voice.

"Shepard, I see something ahead of your position."

"Garrus?"

"There's a lot of smoke, hang on…"

"Shepard! Pull back, there's hundreds of them!" Garrus's voice sounds urgent and panicked.

"Kaidan, pull back! Kaidan? Do you read me?"

Sharp scratchy noise.

"Goddamn it! Garrus, watch my back I'm going to find Kaidan."

"Shepard, it's becoming overrun."

"I know, I can see… just watch my back. Cortez, we need immediate evac from current position."

"I read you, Shepard, I can land south fifty metres of your current position, but you need to hurry. I can see them swarming from all directions."

"Ok, Cortez." I can hear Shepard's heavy breathing become panting as he runs and the sound of gunfire rises. "Kaidan? Kaidan, do you read me?"

"Shepard, I can see Kaidan, ten metres to your east… he's not moving. You need to hurry."

Loud droning thuds are making the comm hard to understand and I have to clear up the sound a little before I can carry on listening.

"Kaidan? I don't know if he's breathing?" Shepard sounds worried.

"Who cares! Pick him up and run or it's not going to matter." Garrus sounds pissed.

"Kaidan? Don't you dare…" Shepard's breathing becomes laboured, "Don't you dare die." I hear Shepard struggling to carry me and run.

"Shepard, you have to move quicker…" I hear Garrus's gun firing.

"I am trying, Garrus." Shepard pants loudly and then there's a thud.

"Shepard!"

"I'm ok, I fell." I can hear him struggling to pick me up again and I'm filled with guilt. I had no idea it had been this close a call. Then there's huge explosion… Garrus is shouting for Shepard to run. But Shepard doesn't run. He won't run because he doesn't want to leave me. All the while he is standing his ground, firing, protecting me. I hear Shepard whispering over the comm.

"I'm not doing this without you. I need you to recover because I can't make it on my own." I hear more firing and then a lull. I hear Shepard's laboured panting again and know he's running again with me on his back. I heard the odd word, he says something about light but it's so hard to hear.

I now use the shuttle camera footage in conjunction with the audio. They get back to the shuttle and I see Cortez get hit. Shepard literally throws me back into the shuttle and then flies to the rendezvous point. Garrus makes sure Cortez is alive and then he checks me. It's weird looking at yourself unconscious. I'm like a cut marionette. Story of my life… right there.

Once landed Shepard comes over to me and takes off my helmet. He immediately checks for a pulse and when he finds one, he looks relieved. I then watch, with my heart in my mouth, as Shepard strokes my face, intimately. He rests his head gently on mine, and then kisses my bloodied forehead. Garrus sees this and backs away in to the cockpit quietly. Shepard doesn't turn. He asks how Cortez is. He doesn't take his eyes off me. A few minutes go by and Shepard touches my face again.

I hear his words, softly spoken, barely audible.

"You are the light in my darkness."

He sees me stirring and starts to lightly tap my face, saying my name.

I turn the console off.

He feels the same?

He feels the same.

AN: Quite the cliff hanger; even I'm annoyed with me for that. For those asking, it's got a few chapters left before the end. I'll make sure to put 'The End' at the end :)