Wake the sea of silent hope
Water down your empty soul
- Faunts M4 Part II

Sleeping well does wonders for your perspective and I slept really well last night. Who knew just coming to a decision gave such peace of mind. I have no idea how I am going to change anything, but just wanting to makes such a difference. I feel revived. Everything I do has that little bit more vim. So much so, people have commented that I look well. Hell, I look in the mirror and see it myself. A burden has lifted.

Shepard on the other hand looks terrible. It's clear he is not sleeping and his mind is so full of the awfulness of this war there is room for little else. The weight on him is of Atlas sized proportions. We all do everything we possibly can to relieve him of what we can, but it mounts every day. And each day takes a little bit of light from him… I can see him drowning in the darkness of it all.

I spend a lot of time doing the little things for Shepard, the small stuff he's started to forget about. Yeah, I am covering for him, but I'm not the only one. People don't pick him up on it, maybe they should; I think he'd be horrified if he knew how much he was letting slip by. It matters and it doesn't matter. Either way, I… we have his back.

It isn't long before Shepard comes to see me. I figured if I gave him a break from seeing too much of me, he would seek me out himself. Looks like I was right. He finds me in the rec room, reading the recorded dead lists from Earth. There are two crewmembers playing cards at the other end of the room.

He sits beside me, as he always does.

"Hey, Kaidan." The lack of sleep shows through dark circles and bloodshot eyes.

"Shepard," I say, "How are you doing?" I lay my data pad down on my lap.

"I'm good," he says and then, after I give him the 'really?' look he recants. "No. I feel exhausted."

I frown and say, "When did you last sleep?"

"Maybe two days ago," I give him another disapproving look. "I know, I know. I just can't seem to relax. Too many thoughts."

"Still won't take some meds?"

"No, I won't risk it. Is that what you did?"

"Did?"

"Take sleeping meds?"

"No, I haven't taken anything for that since the migraine. Why do you ask?"

"Well, you look…" He can't help but smile and look away. The change in expression is lightening and he looks immediately less tried.

"I look like what?" I'm chuckling now, enjoying his moment of embarrassment.

"You look… you know, rested."

"Do I now?" I raise my eyebrows at him.

"Yes, I'll have whatever it is you're taking.

He is flirting with me. I feel a fluttering inside. I wish those crewmen weren't here. I wonder what Shepard would do if I just kissed him?

I say, "Well, I have a secret stash I might let you in on."

He looks at me for a few beats, "Might?"

"Might."

"That's harsh. I could order you to send it on over…"

"You could…"

"But?"

"You're better off just bribing me… less effort, no pesky Alliance forms."

"Hmmm, I do hate filling out forms."

"I know."

"Oh, you have it all figured out don't you?"

I sit back and smile, "Yes I do."

"What sort of bribery are we talking?" Shepard has a glint in his eye.

"I'm not cheap," I play along.

"Of course not."

"I suppose my quarters do need a clean…"

He chuckles, "I think we've already established that really isn't my forte."

"I'd settle for anything from Earth; whiskey?"

"Well, I'll keep my eye out for something along those lines."

"Better be quick," I say smiling.

He smiles too, until his eyes happen to glance down at my data pad, "Looking for anyone in particular?"

"No," I say, "Well, yes, sometimes. It helps me remember what we are doing out here."

Shepard takes his turn raising his eyebrows at me, "You forgot?"

I look at him and say, "Of course not. I just... it focuses me; that's all." I don't mention that I imagine one day, my name will be on there too.

"Actually, Shepard, scratch the whiskey… I want the most valuable thing out here."

He raises his eyebrows, "Oh, and what would that be?"

"Hope," I say quietly.

"Find yourself lacking in that, Kaidan?" I hear concern in his voice.

"Sometimes." I'm not quite sure how it turned from flirting to depression, but it just did.

"Then I'll share a secret with you, Kaidan," I look up, "hope is the name we give to a possible future. And I'll be damned if I'll allow the Reapers to take hope from me." This is why I follow him; why I feel the way I do. He inspires.

I nod, I can't say anything to that.

There's a lull in conversation at this point and the two crewmembers take this moment to leave and say good night. I'm glad.

Shepard yawns and sits further back.

"Are you sure you won't consider those meds?" I ask.

"No. Not unless you've suddenly decided to share your secrets with the rest of us."

I put the data pad on the table in front of us. I hope for a possible future. I feel my heart rate quicken and my gut churns in anticipation of my next move. Dare I?

I turn and say, "I can share…" I lean over slowly, so he has time to realise what is happening. I look into his eyes; I don't see anything that suggests I should stop. The only thing I can hear is the pounding of my own heart; the rushing sound of whispering hope. I cross the small space between us and kiss him, softly. I hold there for a few electrifying seconds, and then pull back a little to see his reaction. His eyes are shut and when they open, there is fire. He does not stop me. I don't want to let the moment get away, so I kiss him again. I am less gentle and release a little of my want for him. My hand slides around his neck, to pull him in closer.

He immediately stops being passive and responds by roughly gripping my shoulder with one hand and holding the back of my head with the other. He is strong, and like me, has clearly been missing human contact for quite some time. His kisses are hard and urgent. It feels like my blood is alight and it quits trying to get to my brain and travels elsewhere. Every part of me wants this and it feels like every part of Shepard does too. His hands start finding other places to explore, on the inside of my shirt. When I feel the firm touch of his hands on my chest, I breathe in sharply. He moves his hands around my back, skin on skin and pulls me closer to him. The heat from the embrace, the sensation of his unshaven face on mine and the awareness of moment, make everything else slip away. No pain, no horror, and no impending death. All the while, we kiss as if it's the last thing we'll ever do. And it might be.

We hear the rec room doors open and throw ourselves apart. I covertly pull my shirt down and run my hand through my dishevelled hair. The crewmen who enter don't notice us at first, thankfully, allowing the readjustment of clothes and dignity. They greet us and invite us to have a drink with them.

Shepard accepts. I decline.

To say I was furious with Shepard for staying is an understatement. I was livid. I went back to my quarters and sat for an hour trying to understand why he so smoothly gave me the slip. If it wasn't what he wanted why didn't he stop what was happening? The whole time I am angrily turning over these thoughts, I have one fear lurking around, unwelcome and unwanted; what if it's my fault and I pushed him too far? Unfortunately, paranoia is a hungry fiend and I have plenty for it to feed upon.

I know I am wound too tight to sleep, so I head out for a shower. I need to cool down body and mind.

When I get back to my quarters, Shepard is already there, sitting, waiting. A look at his face and a sudden leaden feeling in my chest tell me all I need to know. Suddenly, I'm annoyed and very tired of the dance we've been playing.

"Don't bother," I say, holding my hands up and shaking my head. "Whatever reasons you have loaded in your chamber, I don't want to hear it."

"Kaidan…"

I cut him off, "No, I mean it, Shepard. Stow it."

"Don't be like that…"

"Oh, I have it all wrong do I? I've misunderstood. If that's the case, come over here and finish what we started."

He doesn't move.

"Please, Kaidan, I don't want to fall out with you over this. I made it clear before…"

"Made it clear? What, exactly, were you making clear in the rec room?"

"That's unfair, Kaidan."

"Do you want to know what I think?" I don't wait for him to respond, "I think keeping me at arm's length is just emotionally easier for you. All that shit about being focused and professional… If that's the case, why do you keep coming here, why don't you maintain a professional distance? You fall asleep on the sofa for fuck's sake."

Shepard just looks at me, confused and hurt.

"Sorry, I don't mean to sleep there."

"Look, I don't care if you sleep there. Honestly, I'm just glad you sleep at all, but don't label what you are doing as professional. Call it what it is."

"And just what is it exactly, Kaidan?" His voice is controlled, tight. Locked down just like his emotions.

"Cowardice." I see his hands flex, his body rigid, and I can see the muscles in his jaw clenching. "I'll be damned if I know why you are so afraid of me."

"Is that what you really think?"

"Yes." I'm angry, I'm hurt, and I don't really think about what I am saying. This is because I am an idiot.

Shepard looks down to the floor, nods and then walks out without another word. As he does, I feel something deep inside me lurch, I feel sick. I stand there for a while, allowing the moment to sink in. I feel the sharp spikes of regret poking at my eyes and I swallow it down, along with a chaser of bitterness.

I try to sleep. I keep seeing his face when I shut my eyes and for some reason wrapping the pillow around my head isn't making it go away. You can bet no one will be complimenting me on my radiance tomorrow.

I give it up after two hours. I wander down to the galley in search of coffee. I crave coffee all the time now. I think that's mostly because although I have cut down, I should still drink far less. My eyes wander to where Garrus resides and I start walking over, hoping he is there.

I poke my head around the door, "Garrus?"

Garrus stands up, "Kaidan?" He appraises me for a moment, "Is something wrong?" The concern on his face is genuine and touching.

"No… Well, yeah. I think I might have… well…" I struggle to find the words, "I've really messed up…" I can't speak because my throat is closing up trying to keep in the emotion that is forcing its way out.

"Hey, now…" Garrus grabs my shoulder and manoeuvres me into sitting. He waits beside me as I gather myself.

"I'm an idiot." It's a good a place as any to start.

Garrus chuckles, "I'm not sure what the human etiquette is here; am I supposed to agree or disagree with you?"

"Probably agree, when said human is being an idiot."

"Okay, so then I'm going to go with the next natural thing to ask. Why are you an idiot?"

I can't seem to be able to form the words I want to say, but when I look at Garrus, he nods and seems to understand.

"Shepard?" He asks.

"Yep."

"It can't be that bad, surely?" I look at him with woeful eyes, "Really? That bad huh?"

"I kissed him. I pushed, even when I knew I shouldn't have."

"Well, that's not the end of the world. Actually… poor turn of phrase."

"That's not the end of it. We argued and instead of respecting what he wants I insulted him."

"You're not the first lover to insult their beau, Kaidan."

This is where I start to feel those damn spikes again, my chest heaves with feeling and to my embarrassment, I feel hot tears run down my face. I am getting to the crux of my shame. Garrus puts his arm around me and says nothing.

"I accused him of being a coward," I say unable to look Garrus in the eye.

"You did?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

I look at Garrus confused; he pats my back a couple of times and removes his arm. He has that puckish look again.

"Kaidan, I wouldn't worry. Shepard's a big boy. We both know he isn't a coward, but where you are concerned, he only reacts in fear. He needs to be called out on that and hopefully; he'll have a good old think about it."

"It won't change anything."

"It might. Actually, I have already tried to make him see sense, but he didn't listen to me. Better he hears it from the one person whose opinion he does care about."

"He respects you, Garrus."

"Yes, in matters of tactics and war, but he hasn't been listening to me regarding you."

I know, of course, that Garrus has discussed me with Shepard, but he implies there was more than one conversation. "You talk about me with Shepard?"

"Oh don't give me that face. Yes, I have mentioned you. You see, everything was fine up until you told him you had feelings for him… then it all started going to hell." Garrus stands up and starts pacing about, "I think he was fine feeling the way he did when he thought it was unreciprocated, but when you told him you were interested in being more than friends, it changed him. Well actually, he was rather obsessed after you got hurt on Mars, but once you were aboard the Normandy he relaxed."

"Right."

"It's a control thing, Kaidan. You'll have noticed how controlled he is and I think you make him feel like he has none. It does scare him. And I think what frightens him more is how he thinks that will affect him in the fight against the Reapers."

"Okay." I try to process what Garrus is saying, "So… what do you think I should do now?"

"You're asking me? A Turian, without one single successful relationship under his belt?" I look at him, he amuses himself, I'll give him that. "Well, I'd be exactly what he wants, a professional."

"Just like that… no apologising, no discussion?"

"I'm a tactician, Kaidan, believe me when I say doing nothing now is the most active thing you can do."

"That makes sense."

"Does it?" I look at him again and he laughs, "Sorry… Yes, it does make sense. Perfect sense."

"Right, that's what I'll do then. Thanks, Garrus." I get up to leave, I'm a little embarrassed, but Garrus just seems to have this way about him.

"Kaidan?"

"Yeah?"

"How did I do?"

"Do?"

"In the role of Turian/Human consolation?"

I hold up my hand, palm down, and give him the so-so hand sign. He laughs and I leave him chuckling away to himself.

So, I leave it alone. It's hard and I hurt. Shepard doesn't come to see me. The only interaction we have is professional. When I am alone, I feel isolated, but I don't want to mingle with the rest of the crew. I still do the small stuff for Shepard, he won't notice. Time rolls relentlessly on.

I'm preparing for the next mission, when Liara comes by to see me. I see that she is hesitant, uncomfortable, but here anyway.

"Liara, what's up?"

"Kaidan, I just wanted to… that is I just hoped that…" She frowns, "Sorry, this is going to sound invasive, and I don't mean to be."

"Ok, shoot."

"Did you say something to Shepard?"

"I say plenty to Shepard. Why?"

"Um… well, I've noticed he's avoiding you."

"We had words."

Liara nods, "Do you think you two could sort it out?"

I shake my head, "What's this about, Liara?"

She looks to one side, considering her next words, "He's not sleeping, he's snappy, and whenever anyone mentions your name, well, the look we get is not pleasant. I'm worried about him."

"I don't think I can change anything."

She nods again, "Okay, thank you, Kaidan," and turns to head out of the room.

"Wait, Liara," She stops and waits looking at me. "I appreciate that he's not himself and you are concerned, but I am trying… it's just that it isn't simple."

"I understand." She turns to head out of the door again, then stops, she doesn't turn to look back at me, but says, "You know there's quite a lot I would do, to have him look at me with half the feeling he directs at you. Don't waste your time fighting him; give him what he wants and die knowing you made him happy, Kaidan."

She leaves and I stare at the closed door for a long time, considering her words.

I feel awful and that feeling does not let up.

What you imagine is always supposed to be worse than reality. Let me clarify that this is a lie. There are things in real life are so horrific and awful that you cannot truly understand them. It can be the briefest of moments, hours, days, or the realisation of years. Evolution has come a long way and to see what we do to one another makes me sick. I stand, unable to conceal my rage, in Sanctuary, disgusted by my fellow man. I cannot believe what has happened here. No, that's not right, I can believe it, I see it with my eyes, but the horror of it is just too much. What is seen cannot be unseen, what I feel cannot be unfelt. I look to Shepard throughout the mission, seeing his strength and control helps me focus on what needs to be achieved. The thing is, I see how angry he has become, I see the outrage and the absolute need to bring some sort of justice for the victims of Sanctuary, and I see how keeping all that inside is breaking Shepard at the seams.

I worry it is all too much for one man to carry.

I want to go and see him, but another argument with me isn't going to help him.

Sleep seems to be the next best option. Unfortunately, I had a small nosebleed in the last mission. I go to the Doc and she suggests medication but I don't want to be doped up. We compromise and she gives me a half dose of something to help me sleep. I take it and lay in the cold starlight, thinking that I'm probably going to die soon.

I dream. I'm on Eden Prime and this time Shepard doesn't pull me out of the Prothean beacon. I see a cascade of images, but they are nothing to do with the Reapers, all I see is Shepard. I remember how he looked at me, the smiles, the encouragement, the belief he had in me, always. The imagery changes to Shepard surrounded by darkness, I'm trying to reach him, but he's slipping away. I become desperate to get to him; I'm running, but moving so slowly. I'm shouting his name…

"Kaidan? Can you hear me?"

I snap open my eyes and see Shepard sitting on my bed beside me. I can feel my heart racing and, once again, I am drenched in sweat. I rub my eyes, confused and look to the time. I've been asleep five hours.

"Shepard, what is it? Has something happened?" My voice is husky and gruff.

"Nothing's happened."

I sit up in my bed, still trying to gather my thoughts from the wispy ghosts of the dream.

"I need to talk to you, Kaidan."

"It couldn't wait?"

"No."

"Let's hear it."

"I need things to be right between us. I can't bear the thought of something happening to one of us and those being the last words we said."

"Okay."

"You were right. I have avoided the issue with you, when I should have come clean."

"Come clean?"

"I feel a connection to you, Kaidan."

I'm sleepy and not quite rational yet, but I feel my stomach do a little loop-de-loop.

"Connection…" I say the words, but I know the truth is more complicated. He's trying, but he's still not being honest, not to me, not to himself.

"I just wanted you to know, I'm not playing games with you, I'm just a bit confused."

I decide a more direct approach is need, but carefully, I say, "You are the light in my darkness."

I don't know what reaction I was expecting, but not Shepard jumping physically, like I'd just slapped him. He stares wide-eyed at me and I can see I've scared him.

"Why did you say that?"

I lie. I can't actually tell him I looked up the audio and visual logs of when I was knocked out. So, instead I say, "I heard you say it to me, in the shuttle."

"You misheard me."

"You and I both know I didn't," I reach over and put my hand on his. I feel him trembling just before he snatches his hand away. He stands up and is extremely agitated.

"Shepard?"

"Goddamn it, Kaidan!" He shouts. He makes me start, but I can see the closer we get to the truth, the harder it is for him to remain detached.

"Look, you wanted to clear the air. But if we are going to, shouldn't we at least talk honestly?"

"Honesty, you really want me to actually say what I think?"

"Yes." But suddenly, by the look on his face maybe I don't.

"Eden Prime."

"What about it?"

"I knew then."

I shake my head; the conversation has gone in a direction I do not fully comprehend. "Knew what?"

"I told you before; on Eden Prime I could see there was something special about you."

A very dim light flickers in the recesses of my mind. I don't speak because I seem to have lost the ability. Shepard waits looking at me.

"You mean…you… this whole time?"

He nods.

A chill breaks through the moment as I remember, as I recall. Moments, seemingly innocent, suddenly become so much more than they were. Images start to flash before my eyes; I recall his face on Horizon and see there, something I hadn't before, heartbreak. My mind goes back to the original Normandy, the day the Collectors attack. He wouldn't let me stay on the ship; he made sure I'd left. My gut twists up with guilt, if he'd let me stay he might have made it. I feel the dark thoughts rear up from the places I'd hidden them, but this time they swarm my mind with internal accusations.

"Why didn't you say?" My voice is breathless and incredulous.

"I thought you hated me."

"What?"

"After Horizon, you never contacted me, I figured because of Cerberus…" He trails off.

"I never hated you." I grab his hand again and pull him so he sits back down on the bed. He is still trembling.

"On Mars you questioned me, doubted me, I figured nothing had changed. Why would I say anything?"

"What about on the Citadel, when I told you how I felt?"

"I'd resigned myself a long time ago that this was a one way thing, probably for the best, given what happened on the first Normandy. You absolutely sideswiped me; I didn't see it coming and just said what came out first."

"And now?"

He looks at me. I look at him.

"Now, you have to understand that the mission is everything. I cannot let anything distract me from that and… you do distract me."

"It doesn't have to be that way," I lean in close and kiss him. I rest my hand on his face, touching the stubble with my fingertips; I feel his heat. He grabs hold of me and kisses me hard, just like last time. It takes my breath away; just like last time. And for a few beautiful moments nothing else exists. Just like last time.

Shepard pushes me away violently. He stands up and faces me.

"For fucks sake, Kaidan! Do you have any idea how hard it is to send you on missions knowing you could die? Do you have any idea how much harder that became, knowing you feel the same. Do you have an inkling as to how hard that would be if I allowed this to become real? Do you...?"

He waits for me to say something, but I have nothing.

Nothing except…

"I love you."

AN: Sorry, again for the annoying cliff hanger, but this chapter is already much longer than I intended.

I have become increasingly frustrated not being able to write Shepard's thoughts, so I wrote an entire chapter in his voice. I realised then, I wanted to write this entire story from his point of view, so I will be writing it. It will be called 'Dust on the Ground'. Also thinking of a Garrus one-shot in the same vein. Let me know your thoughts if you have something to add.

This is the penultimate chapter, next chapter will be the last.