The school bell rings. All the students make their way to the cafeteria. Stan, Kenny, Kyle and Eric get in line.
Stan speaks, "I think pumpkin spice is starting to become a pandemic. My mother has it, uncle Jimbo has it, I can smell it coming from the neighbor's house, and several kids around here reek of it."
"And my mom," Eric adds.
"Mine, too," Kenny also replies.
"My mom was cooking pumpkin spice bacon to go with pumpkin spice Chipolte she ordered."
"Sick! Not only do you bleed out your ass for a week, it smells like pumpkin spice the while time!" Eric says.
Kyle then comments, "Perfectly good bacon. I just don't get it."
They each pick up a lunch tray as they near the cafeteria serving area.
Eric then says, "Hitler liked ps. It's true, I heard it on the History Channel."
Butters speaks up to a kid behind Eric, "Why, ah, I love pumpkin spice! Tastes so pumpkin-y and spicerific!"
"Butters, shut up," Eric says annoyed.
They finally reach the serving area.
"Hehlow there heedren."
"Hey chef – wait, what?" Kyle says surprised.
"Holy crap, what the fuck?" says Stan.
A woman all covered in black, even a black burka – leaving only a slit for her eyes – is on the other side serving the kids.
"Agh! Terrorist! Kenny, kill her!" Eric hides behind Kenny.
"Who are you?" Stan asks.
"Iy hem cheff."
"Okay, but none of us are Jewish!" says Stan.
"Tewdais spashell eezs phlegmbury steak and buttered noohdles, and a choize of green bean casserole or vegetablephlegm medley."
"That doesn't come with a side of phlegm, does it?" Eric mocks.
"Eit dohz noht."
"All right, but if any of this is poisoned and kills me, I swear I'll come back and kick you in the camel balls!"
"Isn't there anything without pumpkin spice?" Stan asks.
"Meehilk," she slams a carton of low-fat milk down.
"I'll just take a milk," Stan replies.
"Me, too," says Eric.
"Surprise me," says Kyle.
Kenny then replies, "Wohn ov ewvyee wing."
As Kyle takes his tray, Eric looks on in horror, "Oh, God," he looks quickly up at the chef, "not that I believe in God," he looks back down at Kyle's tray, "now I know why people in Africa eat bugs."
They walk to their usual table and sit down. Stan jams the milk straw into the container.
Eric searches his pockets, then pulls out something, "Oh!" he exclaims, "Thank you, thank you … a Starburst. My lunch is now officially bigger than a Michelle Obama school lunch."
Stan speaks up, "This sucks. And it fucking smells like pumpkin spice in the whole cafeteria."
"Well, I think it smells good in here. Right, Kenny?" Kyle asks Kenny.
"Um hum," Kenny answers Kyle.
"Kenny doesn't count; Kenny's like the one percent margin of error," Eric comments.
Kyle replies to Eric, "It's probably more likely you're on the margins, fat ass. Oh, a pumpkin-spice flavored cookie. Cool."
Eric looks at Kyle trying the cookie, "You know who wished for pumpkin spice cookies? No one fucking ever."
Stan adds, "Exactly, it's not like it's a good logical choice like chocolate and peanut butter. It's adding perfectly good spice to the part of the pumpkin millions of people carve out and trash each year. They don't even give starving kids in China the guts, yet they expect us to pay for it."
"Well, it's better than this sea salt caramel craze going on," says Kyle.
They all exclaim, "Huh!"
Eric shouts, "Blasphemy!"
"No! No, no, no, no – not only does caramel taste good, but it smells good. That's like trying to say Luck Charms is crap and plain Cheerios is not. Everybody knows Lucky Charms is the superior cereal, even the Cheerios company does – that's why they entice you with about a dozen non-plain flavors," says Stan.
"Oh, come on! Sea salt caramel is fine, but do we really need it in cupcakes?" Kyle asks.
The three fire back in unison, "Yes!"
Stan then speaks solo, "I'm sure a hundred years ago there was a guy who thought chocolate didn't need peanut butter."
"Some evil bastard. Jewish no doubt," Eric adds.
Kyle replies in disbelief, "Really? We're having an argument over food combos spanning a century? A hundred years ago they weren't even sure what the human brain was! They thought it was like a sponge that heat escaped threw, cooling off the body. But you're right – let's argue over who's taste in food combinations is superior."
"Dude, you like pumpkin spice – clearly it's ours. There's folks who munch on lettuce, then there's folks who munch on potato chips," says Stan to Kyle.
"You know what," Kyle gets up, "I'm gonna eat with butters."
Kyle picks up his tray and walks away.
"Wow," says Eric.
"I know," Stan says, still pissed off.
Eric then says, "He's gonna go eat with Butters of his own free will."
…
The school bell rings, signaling the end to the school day. The kids dump what books they don't need into their lockers and then make their way to the buses. Kyle joins the three.
"Hey, Kyle," says Kenny.
"Hey."
"I have a theory: you see so many people with pumpkin spice products, right?" says Stan.
"I guess. Why?" asks Kyle.
"Has anybody ever offered you any treats with pumpkin spice flavoring?"
"No."
"Or gifted you some pumpkin spice product like a candle?"
"No, I can't say they ever have," Kyle answers.
"I believe deep down inside they don't like it either, that's why they don't ever offer you any," says Stan.
"That's kind of a stretch," says Kyle.
"So is a gallon tub of pumpkin spice ice cream."
They exit the school for the buses.
"Dude, nobody's forcing you to buy it," says Kyle.
Stan answers, "Nobody's forcing me to buy bottled urine either, but that doesn't mean I'd want it on the shelves."
"You know what? I … I can't," Kyle says, stopping short of getting in the bus with them.
"Come on, or the bus is going to leave without you," says Stan.
"That's okay, I'm gonna walk home."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Okay," Stan turns and the door shuts.
Kyle starts walking home. The bus eventually passes him.
As he passes by some large bushes a bit from school, he sees the teenagers on their bikes smoking.
"What are you looking at? Keep walkin' or I'll shove this pumpkin spice cigarette up your nose holes!"
Kyle eventually makes his way into the main shopping area of town. He perks up at the odor of pumpkin spice from nearby restaurant hits his nose. Kyle looks in a window of the KFC.
"Pumpkin-spice flavored Kentucky Grilled Chicken?"
The doors to a grocery store slide open as Kyle enters. He smiles as he sees pumpkin spice bread and pastries on a stand not far from the entrance. He passes by sale items such as pumpkin spice Doritos and pumpkin spice Pringles.
"Pumpkin spice Peeps? That doesn't even make any sense."
Kyle turns into the cereal and candy isle.
"No, pumpkin spice Cheerios? Pumpkin spice Captain Crunch?"
He turns and sees pumpkin spice Pop Tarts.
"You're kidding me," he coughs a little.
Then he sees pumpkin spice Skittles. Then pumpkin-spice flavored Brach's Candy Corn.
He shakes his right hand passed his nose to clear the air, "It's so strong," he coughs, "Pumpkin spice Rice Krispies?"
He again turns while going further down the isle.
"Hostess pumpkin spice cupcakes? Why?"
He coughs some more and turns.
"Pumpkin spice Pringles? Really?"
Now he's pulling his shirt over his nose while coughing and turning.
"Pumpkin-spice flavored M&M's? NO!" he runs out the isle and then turns into the next one to make his way back to the front of the store.
He looks on horrified, "Pumpkin spice Listerine?" and he then looks to the other side to shield his eyes from it, only to catch something else, "Pumpkin spice condoms? Pumpkin spiceTampax! AGH!" he bolts, cutting shoppers off and running out of the store. He stops and coughs repeatedly, while spitting and blowing mucus out his nostrils.
…
Eric, Stan and Kenny wait at the school bus stop, chatting as they do so.
Eric speaks, "And when I checked the mail, it smelled like pumpkin spice. It's worse than somebody taking a shit in there; the mailman's addiction might last for who knows how long, but at least the shit happens once."
Kyle walks over, looking despondent.
"Exactly, yet people must be buying it. Is there some big pumpkin spice Juggernaut we somehow missed?" Stan says.
"If pumpkin spice was a person, I'd go up to that person and say: 'Ay! You stop ruining our foods, you bastard!' and then I'd kick pumpkin spice in the nuts!" says Eric.
Stan continues, "And most of the time it's not even real pumpkin spice in the foods, it's artificially flavored pumpkin with inferior cheap spice. They're more Red 6 and Yellow 7 than natural pumpkin orange. Hey Kyle," he says, realizing Kyle is now standing there.
"We better x-nay on the pumpkin spice-ay or he'll have to eat with Butters again," says Eric.
"No, it's okay," says Kyle.
"You sure?" Stan asks him.
"Yeah."
"Whut's hup, duwd?" Kenny asks Kyle.
"Yeah, you don't look so good," Stan says to Kyle.
"It's just that … I went to the grocery store yesterday and I … I just couldn't believe how many products now have pumpkin spice in them. It's in our cereals, our chips, our pastries, out cookies, doughnuts, cupcakes, candies, even tampons. They odor was so overwhelming I nearly gagged to death. I mean, I love pumpkin spice, but I had no idea we were so over saturated with it. It's like pumpkin spice re-produces at will. And dude – has it got a lot of will. I even saw pumpkin-spice flavored Cheesy Puffs!"
Eric angrily interjects, "Cheesy Puffs? No! We've made too many compromises already, too many products. They invade out stores and we fall back. Assimilate entire families and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no further!"
"I guess. Isn't it a little extreme? It is just pumpkin spice after all," says Kyle.
Stan replies, "That's what people used to say about grown-ups dressing like they're still twenty-one, and now we have Forever 21. I read online companies are considering making pumpkin spice year round!"
"Then how do we stop it?" Kyle asks.
"We find out who's been bringing us all these pumpkin spice products," Stan answers.
"Oh, come on – pumpkin spice products are a secretive conspiracy? Doesn't that sound just a little too Art Bell?"
"Think about it: when was the last time you even saw anybody re-stock any pumpkin spice products?" Stan asks Kyle.
Kyle replies, "I don't think I've seen 99.995% of anything ever stocked, but that doesn't mean its lizard aliens, shadowmen, Bronies, or crab people."
The bus pulls up and they climb in once the door opens.
"Guys, just leave it up to me," says Eric, "I'll ask around school. Somebody's mom or dad stalks pumpkin spice products."
"By 'me' you mean you'll pawn it off on Butters, right?" Stan asks.
"Ay! I work best in a n authoritative delegation mode!"
The school bus drives off.
.
The kids work quietly in class. The school bell interrupts then and they all quickly start packing away items.
Mr. Garrison speaks up, "Remember class: tomorrow I want a five-page essay on why pumpkin spice is so delicious and on important part of our lives. Try to fit in some combination of "cultural' and 'phenomena'."
.
Stan, Kyle, Eric and Kenny grab their lunch trays as they finally near the food station.
"God, look at them" Stan says, referring to the kids at the tables, "they're putting pumpkin spice in their sandwiches now. They don't even do that to detainees in club Gitmo."
"You know what I like putting pumpkin spice in? Trash bags," says Eric.
Butters comes running over, "You guys! You guys!"
"Hey, you can't cut in line," says Craig.
Eric immediately says, "Craig, have you ever eaten your parents before?"
"Okay, okay!" backing off.
"What is it?" Kyle asks Butters.
They move ahead in line to the food station.
"You'll never believe who is – AGH!" Butters stops and screams when he sees the angry-looking Muslim chef in black.
"What?" asks Kyle.
"Ah, ah, nothing. Nothing at all," Butters rambles.
Eric says to the chef, "Green bean casserole and a Cinnabon."
"Same," says Stan.
"Vegetable medley," says Kyle.
"Wu wu wuwu wu," Kenny says in a muffled voice.
Butters speaks up, "Um, ah, you know, whatever. Food is good. I like food."
"Silence! I kill y-"
She stops when she sees them all looking at her in surprise.
"I … I kihll servize. I have phlegm stuck in throat."
Butters gets his tray and runs off. They all take their trays after she serves them.
Eric points at her, "Ay! This isn't Fuckistan – I'm watching you!"
They all sit down at their usual table where Butters is waiting.
"Guys! I found out who's behind all these pumpkin spice products."
"Really?" Kyle says, surprised.
Stan then speaks, "I knew it was a plot. Clearly we must be dealing with some diabolical mastermind; a dark overlord of the night. Maybe has a curly mustache. Who is it?"
Butters looks around, then whispers, "Isis."
"Isis?" Kyle says, again surprised.
"The JV team?" Eric comments.
"Oh, come on – a radical Islamonazi terrorist organization is behind ps?" Kyle says.
"Kyle, when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth," says Eric.
"Good God – he's read a book," says Stan about Eric.
"So, if we eliminated everything but a quadriplegic squirrel with three eyes that speaks broken French, does that make it the squirrel?" Kyle asks mockingly.
Eric stops him, "Kyle – Isis is behind pumpkin spice – don't be unrealistic."
Kyle asks, "Wait, wait, wait – assuming Isis is behind pumpkin spice, how do we find then and how do we stop them?"
Stan then answers, "We'll have a sleep over tonight at my place – that way we'll not have to meet up. Once my parents are asleep, we'll sneak out."
"Okay, but we still don't know how to stop them."
"Well, I could bring a nice puree and some seasoned-"
Kyle cuts Eric off, "Cartman, you can't make everybody eat their parents; that's not always the answer to life's problems."
"Okay, okay," Eric says, annoyed.
"Dude – we'll just have to cross that bridge when we get there. In the mean time we got to wean our parents off the pumpkin spice products. But with what?" Stan asks.
"I got it: the pumpkin patch!"
"Good thinking, Kyle, especially since it's making everybody groan."
Kyle then speaks again, "Let's all call out parents. Kenny, you can barrow my phone."
.
Stan walks up to home, having just arrived from the school bus stop. He shuts the door and takes his back pack off.
"Hey, dad."
Randy doesn't answer. Stan sees the back of his father's head, facing him as his dad watches football and sips from his beer hat.
"Dad?" he slowly walks around to face his dad. Randy stares back vacantly, "Ah, what are you drinking?"
"Huh? Oh! Stan. Sorry, I was, ah …" he trails off.
"I asked what are you drinking? You seem kind of out of it."
"Drinking? Oh, just beer, Stan."
"Oh. Okay."
"Pumpkin-spice flavored beer."
"AGH!" Stan runs upstairs.
"I mean, you'd think it would taste God-awful in beer, but it's not that God-awful. Yeah," Randy then burps.
…
Darkness once again starts to envelop South Park. The boys roll out their sleeping bags on the floor of Stan's bedroom.
Sharon cracks the door open, "Good night, boys. Good night, Stanley."
"Thanks, mom."
They tell her good-night as well and she leaves, shutting the door.
Eric says to Kenny, "Look, Kenny," pointing at Stan's bed, "that's a bed. B-e-d. I know being poor you've probably never seen one in person before."
"Fwuk yu."
.
As the boys sleep, except for Kenny, the clock strikes midnight. Kenny awakens to the chime of the old grandfather clock downstairs. He realizes they all forgot to set their alarms and gets up to wake them.
They all sneak out the front door; Stan closes and locks it. As they make their way into shopping areas and outside residential parts, they start noticing an eerie quiet in town.
"It's a little quiet out here," says Kyle.
"Yeah, a little too fucking quiet," says Eric.
"Cops!" Stan says.
They all duct behind some trash cans on the side walk. Kyle peaks out.
"It's officer Barbrady. Whoa – is he dead? He's not moving," says Kyle.
Stan and the trio steps out from behind the cans and Stan walks over and opens the driver's door to feel Barbrady's pulse, "No, I can feel a pulse, but it's really slow. I think he's asleep."
"Lwook ewehr there!" Kenny points elsewhere.
They walk up to the Doritos truck to find the delivery man asleep in the back.
"Asleep, too," says Stan.
Eric yawns, "All this sleepiness is making me sleepy."
"come on," Stan heads into the parking lot of a fairly big grocery store that's open 24/7.
As they make their way into the store, they notice people asleep in their cars, asleep in the parking lot, and asleep inside the stores.
"Pft – if this is what grown-up's do at night – sleep in grocery stores – that's hella lame," says Eric.
"Wait – I hear something," Kyle whispers to them. "Over there," he points.
They stop by the end of an isle where they hear a rustling and peak around the end-cap shelves. There they see an individual all dressed in black, even covering his head except a slit for the eyes, stocking a box marked: Zest soap. Pumpkin Spice Scented. They spot an Isis man with an armband with the Isis flag on it.
"Oh my God – it is Isis," Kyle hides.
"I told you," says Eric.
"Shhhhh…" Kenny hushes them.
"He's coming," says Stan.
They hide behind the next isle as the Isis man walks out the isle and toward the front. They watch him leave, but then spot another Isis man finishing stocking pumpkin-spice flavored Tic-Tac's as a register.
They sneak outside as the Isis men crowd into a black pick-up truck with the name Mark-1 Plumbing on the driver's door in white. A couple more are picked up after the truck stops at the end of the parking lot. It then drives away.
"All clear, come on," Stan races into the parking lot hoping to catch a glimpse of where the vehicle was headed.
Suddenly they hear the clock from the town's mayor's office chime from bell cloches being struck. The strikes of the bell finish pounding out twelve hits and cars suddenly start back up around them and people awaken.
"Dude – what the fuck?" asks Stan.
"Oh, man – major nerd boner," says Eric.
Kyle still looks surprised, "Really? Isis? Really?"