The four of them wait at the school bus stop.
"This is way bigger than we realized," Stan thinks aloud.
"Okay, I'm sorry – I still can't get over the fact Isis is responsible for pumpkin spice," says Kyle.
Eric then says, "You got to face the facts, Kyle: Isis is behind the pumpkin spice craze and putting it in our stores is clearly an act of terrorism. Also, when they come to behead you for being Jewish, you can't stay in my basement."
"Fuck you, Cartman! Those Islamonazi radical terrorists pieces of shit are beheading anybody who doesn't convert to Islam. They're even beheading other Muslims who aren't Muslim enough."
"Guys – I don't even know how to stop them," Stan says.
"Well, we could try loving them and following the teachings of Jesus Christ, our lord and savior," says Kyle.
Stan replies, "Fuck love! They'll behead Jesus, too!"
"No they won't," says Kyle.
"How do you know?" Stan asks Kyle.
"I heard it on Glenn Beck's radio show: they're trying to bring on the caliphate which in turn will hasten and finally bring forth the twelfth imam, which will then finally trigger the holy war across the world. At that point they say Jesus will descend from the Heavens and tell all of mankind Islam is the one true religion and convert to die and then Jesus will help them slaughter 60 to 80% all the non believers, since Jesus, they say, is also a Muslim."
"What … the … fuck?" Eric says in disbelief.
"No, no, no, no, no – we need to talk to Jesus. He'll know what to do about this."
…
The boys stop at a modest house and ring the doorbell. After a few seconds the door flies open.
"Yay! Look upon… hold on," Jesus reaches over and picks his halo up off the stand next to the front door, then places it over his head and flicks it a couple of times with a finger until it glows yellow, "Look upon me, for I am Jesus Christ – your lord and savior."
Stan then speaks, "Jesus, are you going to descend from Heaven one day, proclaim Islam the one true religion, then help then twelfth imam and Islamonazi radicals slaughter all of mankind?"
"What? No. No! That's just crazy shit radical Islamics believe and Islamic clerics like Khamenei say," Jesus replies.
"Oh," says Stan.
Then Jesus continues, "Mankind will slaughter mankind and bring upon the end times as foretold by my father in Revelations."
"That actually doesn't make me feel any better," says Stan.
"How can I help you, my sons?" Jesus asks them all.
Kyle speaks, "Isis is brainwashing everybody and ruining all the food in town with pumpkin spice. What do we do?"
"Beats the hell out of me. Pumpkin spice really isn't my thing; frankincense and myrrh are more my area of expertise. Also paprika."
"Well, what about Isis?" Kyle asks Jesus.
"Um, have you tried loving them like your own brother?"
Kyle answers, "They hug with swords."
"Oh. I guess I'm not much help. But if they ever try to kill you, just pray to me."
"And you'll come and save us?" Stan asks Jesus.
"No, but I will hear your prayer."
"I'd rather be saved from barbaric execution."
"Look, if I save your life, then people will expect me to save all theirs every time. I'm only one Jesus."
Eric chimes in, "How about you just save my life?"
"Don't be a fucking fat douche bag in front of Jesus!" Kyle yells.
Jesus ponders, then says, "Oh, wait – I think I know who you need to talk to."
"Who?" asks Stan.
"The Great Pumpkin … Spice. In the patch on the outskirts of town."
"Thanks, Jesus!" says Kyle.
"Yeah. Oh, could you write a tardy note for each of us?" Stan asks.
"Sure," Jesus waves a hand and four tardy notes magically appear, "Pretty cool, huh? Got it from 'Penn & Teller Fool Us'," he then passes them out.
"Thanks again!" Stan says to Jesus.
They wave bye-bye as they head off.
"Remember my sons: love!"
…
As the boys reach the pumpkin patch field on the outskirts of town, clouds cover the sun and an uncharacteristic fog looms in the afternoon air.
Kyle asks Stan, "By the way, what are you going to go as for Halloween?"
Stan replies, "The Scariest Goddamn thing I know of: pumpkin spice."
They enter the patch and walk further inward for a minute.
"Do you see anything?" Kyle asks them.
"There's too much fog. He has to be here – Jesus said he was," Stan answers.
"Hello?" Kyle shouts out, using his hands as a bullhorn, "Mr. Great Pumpkin Spice? We need to talk to you."
"Hwoo?" Kenny also calls out, in a muffled voice.
"Please, we've come a long way. We have to talk to you about pumpkin spice!" Stan calls out.
They stop once they hear some rustling amongst the pumpkin plant leaves in the patch. Just on the edge of visibility a shadowy silhouette rises.
"Holy shit – it's the Great Pumpkin Spice!" Eric yells.
They move in closer with trepidation and the figure becomes more clear: a humanoid ghost in pilgrim attire and a pumpkin on his head.
"Mr. Great Pumpkin Spice?" Kyle asks.
"Yes?"
"Quickly, Kenny – run over and make sure it's not evil!" Eric says, hiding behind Kenny.
"No way!" Kenny answers in a muffled voice.
"We need your help stopping pumpkin spice," Stan says.
The ghost removes the pumpkin to reveal a friendly-looking although dead man, "Oh – thou welcomes ye young lads to thy homestead. I am Benjamin Emmanuel. Did thou say pumpkin spice?"
"Yes. Can you help?" Stan says.
"Aw, for my ears doth not deceive thee. You have cometh to the righteth placeth. Fore you see: I and only I know how to defeatith pumpkin spice."
"Why only you?" Kyle asks him.
"Because … t'was thee who originated pumpkin spice."
"Huh. Conveniently in our own town," Eric says.
"You see, it was 1621 in the year of our lord and after having shared our harvest with the generous and kind native souls whom kept us from starving at Plymouth during the time of Winter, I took it upon thyself to try various imported spices in the over abundance, to share with my fellow down-trodden brethren and our new-found friends. But alas it was met with much displeasure; yay, fore even when thy putith the spice and pumpkin mixture into other mixtures, the town folk did empty their consumption upon the ground from their mouths and expressed much anger. And for this I was banned from the settlement and forced to find and fend for thyself. The Devil's work they doth named it, yet Jebediah shoved corn and seasoning into the asseth of a turkey and received great praise; mean while they all ate corn from the cooked rectal end of a wild foul. And yetith I was the bad guy."
"That's awful. What happened?" Kyle asks.
"Over the years I made my way across the blessed land of our lord and reached the place you now call South Park. I finally reached a habitable area with no violent natives and mountains for protection. But along the way I was cursed by the shamen of various tribes for attempting to share pumpkin spice with them."
"Boring," Eric says while yawning, "is there a Cliff Notes version of this?"
"But eventually one tribe, beseeched with pumpkin spice found me. They promised that if thou cometh upeth with a way to stop the pumpkin spice plague, they would nullify the curses. Gleefully I worked until I finally found it. Once handed over though, the shaman laughed and thus did cast upon thee a curse more powerful than before: I would, in thee event of death, reside in a place of existence neither in Heaven nor in Hell, to warn and help others stop pumpkin spice should it rear its head as it does again every hundred years."
"That's awful," says Kyle.
"Well, pumpkin spice is back. It's in every food product during the autumn time and even in some personal items. And now we know that a group of pure evil people are behind it. We got to stop them. What do we do?" Stan asks.
"Young pious lads, hark – what you seek is a thing: a storage chest ordained in gold and rare gem stones. The Pumpkin Spice Ark of Truth. Inside is the only thing that can stop pumpkin spice and evil men behind itith."
"Wait – about this high and about this big? With weird symbols on it?" Kyle asks, showing with his hands.
"Yes, Her Majesty's royal red," the Great Pumpkin Spice replies.
"You've seen that?" Stan asks Kyle.
"It was on the news. That circus that came into town a week ago has bragged about the mystery box covered in gold and diamonds they brought with them, but they're only displaying it for a few more days and then they said they're gonna box it up and back up into a train car."
"No! If the Pumpkin Spice Ark of Truth is not placed atop a building or mountainous hill by midnight tonight – during a full moon – it will not work until next October."
Kyle asks, "Wait – won't they have already opened it?"
"No. It is sealed by a mystical lock, which can only be opened by a mystical key."
Eric interjects, "Goddamn, how long is this going to take? I got to take a mystical shit."
"Where's the key?" Stan asks.
"In my Bible. Where that may lie now, I knoweth not."
"I got it – the library! I remember hearing old books and town charters are stored there," says Kyle.
"Excellent! Fore if the last vestiges of pumpkin spice were to be wiped from the land, thy cursed self would be free," says the Great Pumpkin Spice.
"We promise to try," says Stan to him.
"I thank thee. By thee by, does one still shove perfectly good harvest up the rectal end of a cooked foul and consume it?"
"Yeah, every November – it's a Thanksgiving Day tradition," Stan answers him.
"Oh! That fuckingeth Jebediah!" he slams the pumpkin to the ground and turns and walks away, fading into the fog, then slowly lowering back into the patch.
"Wait, is he just gonna hang around the patch while we do it?" asks Kyle.
Stan answers, "It's his way."
The boys head back out the pumpkin patch and discuss the plans as they head back to school.
…
A fairly large air conditioning duct cover falls to the floor of the darkened South Park library. Stan crawls out on his hands and knees, then gets up and shines his flashlight around.
"Looks clear."
The other three crawl out and stand up, also turning on their flashlights.
Kyle says, "Remember – keep the lights low and out of the windows. The History section should be over there still, come on."
Kyle leads the way as they follow. Eventually he stops and starts searching.
"His Bible is around here someplace," says Kyle.
"Cartman, you do know what a Bible looks like, right?" asks Stan.
"It's a book, right?" Eric replies.
"Close enough," Stan says.
"I wonder where they'll keep all my stuff when I'm dead," Kyle says.
"In a landfill unless you cure cancer or some shit," Stan replies.
"Found it!" Kenny shines his light on the Bible, having opened it up and seeing the name Benjamin Emmanuel written on the inside cover.
"Take it to that table over there," Kyle points and they walk over and stop at the table.
Kenny holds the front and back covers and shakes it vigorously to see if anything drops out. When nothing does, he lays the book down.
"Where's the key?" asks Kyle.
"Well, it has to be there; the ghost of the dead cursed pilgrim who haunts a pumpkin patch told us so," says Stan.
"Here, let me see," Eric takes a hold of the Bible and using a pocket knife he peels away the top paper face of the inner hard cover.
"Cool, a secret compartment," Stan sees a square cut in the cover and digs it out to reveal an old hex key.
"Hum. He was telling the truth. Come on," Kyle pockets the key after closing the Bible, "let's go to the circus."
They freeze when they hear a noise. Stan points his flashlight over toward the noise, but it doesn't cut on. He whacks it a few times to try and make it work.
"Dude – someone's here!" Kyle points.
A man all in black stands on the other side of the wide isle.
Stan speaks, "By the pricking of my thumb, something pumpkin spice this way comes…"
The man walks over, "Then sang the shofars both loud and deep, God is dead and he doth sleep."
Stan replies, "I know who you are. You're the autumn crop. Where do you come from? The ground. Where do you go? The trash."
"Yes, we are the spicy ones. Your torments call us like hungry dogs in the night. And we do stock it, and stock it well," the man continues to approach slowly.
"You stuff yourselves on people's nightmares of pumpkin spice," says Stan.
"And butter our plain bread with delicious pumpkin spice. So, you do understand pumpkin spice?"
"You are known in this town. My dad knows you."
"Your father? The crazy unemployed guy? He likes pumpkin spice. And it has gluten in it."
"That's a lie! He's just confused," Stan rebukes.
"We suck that misery and find it sweet. We search for more, always."
Eric hides behind Kenny yet again and says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you'll never take them alive! Kenny, tell us again how you were saying they were twelfth century cockroaches."
"When everybody finds out Isis or Isile, or Isizzlenizzle is behind pumpkin spice, the West will finally stand up and stop you!" says Kyle.
The Isis man stops, "Islamophobe! You kids will not be telling anyone…" he pulls out a long Arabian scimitar.
They start to run but are stopped by more Isis members with swords.
"Holy shit, dude!" Stan shouts.