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SINCE I SAW HER STANDING THERE

Chapter: 5

She had promised herself she would never go there again. Dr. Kimura thought differently.
"... it can give you the closure you need. Go there. Weep like his widow or lay flowers on his grave like a friend and return. But go"
Saki had not heeded Dr. Kimura's advice. He had her best interests at heart, but he could not know what it was like to be there. She had been standing in the same spot two years ago with Onoda-san, the same person whose indifference had forced her to see Hideyuki's grave after all this time. However, was it indifference alone on his part?
'This is all his fault', Saki told herself and the grave.

A month had passed since Saki Nogawa had changed her name to Saki Makimura. Thirty-four days had passed since Onoda-san had smiled at her last.
'All his fault'
He had fixed her in her study with a revolted look of scorn and pity. Saki Makimura did not take well to pity. She had spent an hour in the room after he had slammed the door to his study loud enough for her to shudder. The night had been weary and sad. They had lain in bed without a word spoken or a look exchanged. Saki had trouble sleeping. The faint feeling of a suffocating congestion had thickened into her heart and choked her till she had gotten out of bed to take the pill. When she did open her bedside cabinet, she saw Onoda-san lying awake in bed with his eyes open. What made her shut the cabinet door and ignore the need for the pills - she did not bother to know. The bed was occupied again as it had been before, and Saki spent the night looking at him, waiting for a word until she fell asleep again.

He had scarcely spoken to her at breakfast either the next day. When she was teaching her students how to avoid common spelling errors, a ghostly smile came to her lips at the memory of Onoda-san's writing mistakes from years ago when she was his tutor.
'His fault'
The cold war between Tsuyoshi Onoda and Saki went on without any new developments for two weeks. They were both equally obstinate and set in their ways. Saki believed that he had no right to question her choice of a surname, while Onoda-san did not express in the least what went through his mind. It was not until the sixteenth day of that month that Saki realised what had truly transpired through her husband's mind in those two weeks.
'He is a baka!'
She had gone to have dinner at Vicki's to celebrate her expedition in China. All her girlfriends were there and they had had a great evening; the evening was not great enough to make Saki forget about her marital issues though. When she came home late with a drunken Aimi, and opened the door to Onoda-san's study, Saki froze in vivid terror.
Through her very own tired eyes she saw Onoda-san standing before his table and near the couch. His hair was not combed as usual, was not combed at all. He had rolled up his shirt sleeves up to his elbows. His coat and tie had been thrown carelessly on the couch. And he was drinking. Saki saw him empty a glass of clear, brown alcohol down his throat. When he perceived her presence in the doorframe, Onoda-san gave a wicked grin which was not at all his own, and put the whole bottle to his lips. Saki took the wise course and tried to walk past him into the bedroom.
"How was the dinner?", he asked.
"It was nice", she said.
Onoda-san stood in her path, smelling of alcohol and cigarettes, and not of the light cologne she had come to love on him. Saki tried in vain to escape to the bedroom as Onoda-san held her back by her wrist.
"Eager to go to bed, are we, darling?"
He came closer to her from behind and whispered,
"What's the fun in going to bed alone?"
She had never seen this fiendish side of him, and she hated it. Onoda-san didn't let go off her wrist, nor did Saki tell him that he was hurting her.
"You find me repulsive. Isn't that so, Miss Saki?"
Saki said in a clear, precise tone,
"I am not answerable to a drunk"
At that, Onoda-san broke into a loud, uncivil laughter, roaring and inconsiderate of the situation. He let go off Saki and she pressed her fingers to her sore wrist, massaging it in a circle, observing the lunatic who looked like a dishevelled version of her dear courteous husband. Onoda-san had his hands on his sides as he shook with laughter and struggled to get his words out.
"What a fucking charade", he sighed and smiled.
Saki should have retreated to the bedroom then, but she stayed in awe and horror of Onoda-san's erratic behaviour. There was a moment when she felt his old self return, while he gazed at her with deep and intense admiration. Onoda-san said in a voice tender and soft with passion,
"God damn it. What is it about you?"
He circled Saki like a voyeur eyeing a partly naked woman. She heard him say,
"Do you know why I haven't tried to screw you yet? It's not that you aren't attractive. In fact, I find you very attractive"
He came to a standstill before her and bent his head over hers,
"The reason we haven't slept together yet, my dear, is because I will be damned if I make love to you while you have to pretend it is your dead lover kissing your lips and not me"
He shook his head at thoughts he kept to himself and pointed with his finger towards Saki. She saw him laugh again and withdraw his accusing finger. He said in that same soft voice from a moment ago,
"Do you have any idea what I'd do to see you again the way you were eleven years ago? Every time I feel like that happy, sweet Saki might make a comeback, you prove to me how hung up you're on your past. Oh, don't look so scandalised. You thought I was upset because you wanted to keep his last name? Saki Makimura, I don't give a damn if you still love him or that you don't love me"
She felt a sharp pain flowing from his injured smile to her heart. He said,
"I just want you to be happy. But sometimes it feels like only he could make you happy and he has taken that to the grave with him. It's a horrifying thought, believe me"
Before she could try to say a word of reason, Onoda-san grabbed his coat from the couch and turned to leave. He halted at the door and smiled at her,
"Don't worry. I have never slept with anyone because I was pissed at you, and I won't be doing it tonight either. Not that you care anyway"
He was out all night. Saki found him standing at the foot of their bed the next morning, when he apologised to her for his conduct from the night before and promised her it wouldn't happen again. With that brief apology, he was gone again and Saki did not see him till after midnight when he returned from work and slept on the couch in his study.

Aimi Onoda, being Saki's best friend from childhood, sensed the tension between the older Onoda and his wife. She tried to make Saki talk about it for days. On the fifth day, Saki Makimura shut a book with impatience and answered Aimi with an angered exclamation -
"I know he is upset with me! I know I married him by my own choice! And I don't regret it. But I feel like I am betraying them both. I have some new, confusing feelings for Onoda-san but I still love Hideyuki. If he had left me while he lived, I would have been fine, broken but mendable. But he didn't leave me. He died wanting to marry me, Aimi. And here I am – falling for another man but still in love with the memories of someone who has been dead for seven years"
Aimi's soothing words of encouragement fell on deaf ears. Saki moped at work and at home, while Onoda-san seemed hostile in her presence. He avoided her like a plague and would take his meals separately and at odd hours. Saki had seen him cling to her like Romeo, had seen him insult her in his intoxicated state. She had never realised the strength of his indifference though. He wasn't around when she woke up, nor when she went to bed. When she did see him, it was only for a few moments of the day and he seemed eager to quit her presence. She felt abandoned and it was a hundred times worse: he, who could have worshipped the air she breathed, had now left her alone with her destructive thoughts. Help was needed, but Saki did not wish to bother any of her friends with her personal issues. So she came to one who had long left this world.

Tears gathered in her eyes and Saki had to sit down at the impact of the emotions stirring through her. She sobbed,
"Oh God. Oh God"
Three words hit her conscience over and over: there was no veil of negation between 'love' and 'Onoda-san'. Not a single word of reproach came from Hideyuki's grave.
Fearing a manic attack, Saki laid the flowers on the tombstone. She raised herself to her feet and stood there for another minute, allowing the pain of Hideyuki's death to be healed by the balm of Onoda-san's existence. It was an exhausting procedure, she knew, but she also knew that time would make everything better and that she could not waste it anymore on buried memories. That she could not waste another minute.

Tsuyoshi Onoda was in the middle of a Board of Directors' meeting. They were upset about his latest professional and personal decision, not that they would dare to contradict the man who had single-handedly driven Onoda MotoCorp to its current zenith.
"We do respect your decision, Mr. President, but would it not be in the company's best interests to..."
He zoned out their voices and let his mind linger over the new fragrance his bed and life had taken up. In his mental vision, he clearly saw Saki's face as she mumbled in her sleep. He could distinctly feel her frail arms around him like they had been in the study on their wedding night. 'Happy' felt quite short of what he had experienced while he embraced her.
"Wouldn't you agree, Mr. President?"
He resumed the conversation as if he had never quit it.
"My decisions are my own. And I will not hear anything further on this. Onoda?"
Tadashi looked up from his mini-computer. Tsuyoshi said,
"Head the remainder of the meeting. I have to attend to something else"
Tsuyoshi chose not to acknowledge that everyone working in the building knew what he had to attend to between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm every day. All he knew was he needed that one hour daily to keep himself sane and revel in the thoughts of his lovely wife.
'I have been an incorrigible fool'
He had not forgiven himself for the scene he had made in the presence of Miss Saki while intoxicated. Alcohol should have made him feel better. It still sucked, after all these years, he thought.
"Good afternoon, Mr. President"
"Good afternoon"
What he needed to do was to make it up to Saki. His reparations had to be extraordinary since he had said things he would have never said to her even on his deathbed. The shame! He had been unable to face her since that embarrassing outburst.
"Good afternoon, Mr. President", Asano said with a smile that day.
Tsuyoshi returned her and Yutaka's greeting before rushing into his private office. He unbuttoned his coat and loosened his tie, and stopped short of reaching his chair.
"Good afternoon", Saki said.

She stood at a respectable distance from his table. Tsuyoshi had pictured this moment in his dreams numerous times though under a different state of mind, and yet the surprise was large enough to stun him into silence. Saki said, her purse dangling from one arm,
"I am not going to change my last name to Onoda"
'Oh Saki'
He moved towards his chair,
"I don't want you to. Please be seated"
"I am not here to sit"
Tsuyoshi turned around to look at her. She did not move a muscle or betray any signs of a loss of composure. The pride and elegance characteristic of her seemed to be shining through. Or it might just have been the sunrays dancing on her hair and white dress.
Tsuyoshi asked,
"Then what are you here...?"
"Shut up"
He beamed at her with an outward pretence of composure while he stifled a laugh on hearing that stern phrase in her voice. Saki took a few steps forward and said,
"Do you remember what you said to me that night when you were drunk?"
He would have blushed if it were his habit,
"Again, I am very sorry for..."
"Was it true?"
Her sombre face demanded an answer. Tsuyoshi was too taken aback for a moment to reply as soon as he usually did. Saki asked again,
"What you said to me - was it true?"
"Every word"
She looked down on hearing that and then at the sun hiding between two towers. Her voice was even and nostalgic,
"When Hideyuki died, I thought I'd never be happy again. You have proven me wrong. I am happy. I am so happy that all the people I have lost over the years seem far away, like characters from a closed book. You did that. And I know you're trying to push me away. No more. You can't do that. I won't let you"
Tsuyoshi could have sworn he felt his heart break on seeing her cry after such a long time. He tried to hold her by the arms but she shoved his hands away from her.
"You can't do that!", she cried, "I won't lose anyone again. I won't lose you!"
"Miss Saki..."
She turned her teary eyes up towards his face and grabbed the sleeves of his coat with a ferocity she had never displayed before.
"Not you", Saki whimpered, "Anyone but you"
And she wept again in his arms, like she had done years ago. Tsuyoshi felt a rush of joy and of guilt one after another, for finally winning her affection and for making her cry. He spent the remainder of the hour consoling his wife as she cried against his chest and cling to him as if her fall was imminent were she to let go off him.
"I..."
"Not a word", she warned him.
Tsuyoshi smiled and felt Saki tighten her arms around him. At last his love had come.