Stevie woke up on Thursday morning with the resolution to be cheerful. No matter what it took.
She kissed Zander with a smile and told him she felt fantastic.
She complemented Kasey on her outfit and let Kasey talk her into shopping on the weekend.
She let Nelson use her as a Guinea pig for his latest science experiment and she helped Kevin find all of his furious pigeon's game chips.
Even though by three o'clock she felt sick and all she wanted to do was cry, Stevie still stayed for band practice.
Zander exchanged a worried glance with Kasey who frowned and griped her microphone tighter.
But no one said anything, because no one knew what to say.
Stevie was fairly quiet on the car ride to school on Friday morning, Zander wasn't surprised, she had clearly worn herself out the day before. It wasn't until they got to the band room and he's holding her close, with an arm wrapped around her waist that she looks up at him and speaks.
"Z, can we do something other than school today?" Stevie asked with big innocent eyes and undeniable sweetness. She's got an arm wrapped around Zanders neck, her fingers gently tangling with the hairs at the nape of his neck. "Please?"
Zander looks down at her- even though there's really only a few inches difference between them. He frowns a little, pulling her closer to him. "Steves, we need to stay at school."
Stevie inwardly gulps a little. "Please?" she whispers.
Zander shakes his head and she nods slowly and steps away from him. The sick feeling in her stomach only growing. "I've got to get my books." She almost runs out of the room, trying to stop the tears that are threatening to fall. Because this feeling of drowning hurts. Not a physical hurt like scraping her knee or breaking her arm, it's suffocating. Like someone's slowly blocking her air supply. The black feeling that's been looming for weeks now has finally caught up with her, the world's lost color and the knowledge that this is it, is something she doesn't want to know.
The sick feeling only grows stronger through algebra. Its comprised of the dizzying feeling of dropping in to the abys of nothingness, and the searing pain that tears at every part of her brain.
So she writes Zander a note. Struggling to keep her hand steady and her vision focused.
She gets a pass to the nurse half way through class, and, with a hiccupy sob, slides the note into Zanders locker.
It's easy to get on the bus that takes her away from school, to sit and stare out the scratched and dirty window and let the tears roll down her cheeks.
And it's so easy to get off the bus and walk the 200 or so meters to stand on the hill overlooking the city and feel the wind whip at her hair as she takes the razor out of her bag.
Her hands aren't shaking anymore and a strange calm has washed over her. She almost feels like laughing, because this feeling is so empty. And it feels so much better to be empty.
And so, with steady hands and no regret, Stevie runs the blade across her wrist. It stings a bit, but it feels good. And she feels ever so slightly less empty. She loses track of time as the cuts grow and she watches the crimson blood trickle down her wrists. There's so much satisfaction that comes with this, with watching the blood and feeling the wind sting against her open flesh. It's like punishment, the sort of punishment that makes your insides twist at the thought, but also makes you feel so cruel and accomplished.
But, as the blood dries, the realization of what she's done starts seeping in. The blood flow is stopping, but there are bloody fingerprints all over her jeans and her arms and hands are dark red. The wind has stopped, for an in disputable moment the whole world seems to freeze as a sob rises in her throat.
And then, the wind picks back up, with twice the force it had earlier. And Stevie buries her face in her hands and rocks back and forth, not caring that the blood will now be all over her. The sound of her sobs being drowned out by the wind.
Zander doesn't find the note until the end of the class after Stevie has algebra. It is written in her very distinct, neat hand writing, all the curls and loops perfect. It's HER handwriting, and the words are HERS, but he can't see her writing it.
He hands the note to Kasey when she arrives, not wanting to explain. And Kasey takes it slowly, unsure if she wants to know what it contains. But she reads it any way, if only for Zanders sake.
Zander,
I'm writing you this letter in the middle of algebra. I know I should be doing work, but I can't concentrate.
I'm scared Zander, really scared. I don't know what off exactly, maybe I'm scared of myself. Sorry this is so messy, my hands are shaking.
Everything seems really dark lately, like I'm looking in to a swirling void of nothingness- sorry, that sounds weird. But everything just looks dark. It's like I'm slowly losing color, everything that's been in my life up until now has seemed normal, it never really bothered me like it does now. But something slipped Zander, in my brain I guess, something that is sucking every bit of beauty out of my world. I'm so scared that I'll do something stupid, I'm so scared I'll get to comfortable with the darkness.
I know that I've been a total bitch lately, and I wish I could explain why. But I can't. Because I honestly don't know. There's all of this stuff floating around in my head and I can't catch hold of any of it. I can't grasp the reasons, but I know they're there.
And I'm terrified, of everything that's happening. I'm terrified of myself, I'm terrified of what you'll think of me, and I'm terrified of what might happen. I can't stop feeling so out of it, and I don't get why.
I'm sorry if this is all too much for you to take in, and I'm so sorry I've been such a bitch. But I hope that you'll forgive me someday. I'm going to put this note in your locker now, so I won't see your face when you read it. Because I can't see your face when you read this.
I will always love you,
Stevie
Kasey hands the note back to Zander gently. She sucks in a breath of air and tries to stop the overwhelming feeling that something has gone horribly wrong. "Aren't you going to go after her?" she chokes out, gripping the edges of her binder tightly and attempting to hold back the tears.
Zander folds the letter and gently slips it in the pocket of his ukulele case. He shuts the locker and shakes his head. "I can't do anything now. If she's going to do it, then I can't stop her. I should have stopped trying to stop her a long time ago."
Kasey's voice hitches in her throat, "don't say that!" she whispers. "Don't give up now Zander!"
"It's over Kasey. I'm done fighting her. I'm done with this." His voice is so emotionless, so lifeless.
Kasey shakes her head. "no." she gulps, "NO! You can't be done! You love her!" she was crying, Zander giving up on Stevie was worse than Stevie leaving. They were her best friends, she needed them intact, and she wanted them intact. "You love her Zander!" she repeats.
Zander shrugs, "where has that gotten us? Nowhere! Nowhere Kasey!" his voice is so harsh now, they're earning odd looks from the other kids in the hall.
"But she makes you happy!" Kasey protests.
"The Stevie I knew made me happy. I don't know this girl anymore!" he's almost in tears to. What happened to their perfect world? The world where Stevie held them all together? The Band was Stevie's idea, she had brought them all together. And their world had effectively revolved around each other. Around the five of them. Around the idea that Zander and Stevie were soulmates. They had all believed that. They had all believed that she was the strongest. But everything had come crashing down. And now they were all grasping at the pieces of their shattered world.
"You still love her! You love who she used to be! You said she'd come back someday! OUR Stevie!" Kasey said, her voice heavy with tears.
"I don't know how to get her back! I don't know what she's doing. I don't know why!"
Kasey bites her lip, "do you know where she might have gone?" She takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down.
Zander nods.
"So go!"
He shakes his head and Kasey frowns. "I can't stop her anymore Kase."
That almost kills Kasey, Stevie is the only one who ever calls her Kase. And it scares her that there's a possibility that Stevie will never call her that again.
"If she's-" Kasey pauses, not wanting to voice the truth. "Done it, then it's over. But if she hasn't, then she will need you. Go Zander!" she's pushing him, trying to get him to move.
He just looks at the ground though, his face pale.
"I'll call her family. See if I can get anything more out of them. You have to find her." Kasey tries to sound business like, but it's not really working. She's not fooling either of them.
Nelson and Kevin appeared a moment later, it's become normal for it to be just the four of them. It's not comfortable, but they're getting used to it.
"Stevie's gone." Kasey informs them, still trying to keep up the business like appearance.
"Gone?" Nelson falters.
"I'll explain, later. Go Zander." Kasey shoves him hard and Zander stumbles a bit, but keeps going.
Kasey drags the pair to the band room, explaining about the note on the way. She sets her bag on the couch and produces the piece of paper Georgie had given her just before she'd left. It had a list of people to call if something bad ever happened to Stevie, with annotations about each person.
"First person to call… Mrs. Baskara. Stevie has a warped idea right now that her mother doesn't care about her. She's very wrong. Aunty Bee doesn't know how to help her tho." Kasey read out loud to the boys, who were squirming next to her. She dialed the number and heard the call go straight to voicemail. "Hi, um, Mrs. Baskara? It's Kasey Simon, Stevie's friend? I um, I hoped I'd get on to you in person, but I, um, guess I haven't. Um, anyway-" Kasey took a breath and bit her lip, squinting over at the posters on the band room wall. "We can't find Stevie. I wanted to know if you've heard from her in the past few hours. We're kinda worried and Zanders out looking for her and if you know anything please call me! OK, um. Bye." Kasey hung up and looked over at Kevin and Nelson who were still squirming.
She looked down at the list.
Ben-he and Stevie were really close as kids. He lives the furthest away, but is she was to tell anyone anything- it would be him.
James- he makes her laugh, she may call him if she wants to feel better. Be careful what you say to him, he's likely to panic if he thinks he'll lose her.
Finn-he's practical, so if she wants a reality check she'll call him.
Leif-he's likely to have attached a tracking device to her while she's asleep. But he's afraid of her growing up. She wouldn't tell him anything big.
Aunt Gabi-Stevie and I always used to tell her the things we couldn't tell our moms. If Stevie was to run away she'd go to Aunt Gabi.
"Now for Georgie." Kasey said, although the only two people who could hear her weren't listening. "Hi, Georgie. It's Kasey. Stevie friend."
"I know who you are Kasey." Georgie sounded amused. "Let me guess, you can't find Stevie?"
Kasey frowned, "how did you know?"
"I know my cousin, besides, I gave you the list for this exact reason."
"Do you know where she is?" Kasey asked hopefully.
"I'm 6 hours away Kasey. I have no idea."
"Oh." Kasey was disappointed, it wasn't as if she had expected Georgie to know, she had just hoped she did. "What can you tell me then?"
"What I know I think you already know."
"Tell me anyway." Kasey insisted.
"This is it Kasey, make it or break it, what happens decides her fate. If she comes out of this she'll be fine."
It was a reiteration of every one of Kasey's worst fears. But it was also a releaf to know she wasn't the only one who was thinking that.
"Tell me when it's all over, Please." Georgie said before they hung up. Her voice was quiet, it was the first time Kasey had heard her come anything close to nervous, Georgie had seemed so confident and calm about the whole situation a few days ago.
Zander could see Stevie sitting in front of the bench as he pulled in to the parking lot on top of the hill. He sat down next to her and put his arm around her gently. She leant into him, letting him stroke her hair gently.
Eventually Zander pulled her up, taking her bloodied hand in his own and leading her back to his truck to find the box of tissues his mother insisted he keep in there. Neither of them said anything as he tried to clean the worst of the blood off her.
The sound of Stevie's quiet sobs was actually a relief, Zander certainly didn't want to hear her muttered apologies or listen to her explaining why. It all hurt too much. So they sat in total silence in Zander's bedroom after he'd driven them home. He'd found her red Christmas sweater and had silently made sure she was warm enough before turning on a movie.
Hello Darlings!
I hope you enjoyed this, if at this point you hate me, then that's totally cool! there's still a few chapters left of this story, so stay tuned! (when i say a few i mean like 4.)
I'd love to know what you all think, so please leave a review and tell me!
ZevieFTW: I think its good Georgie appeared to! Stevie is acting strange- that is deliberate. Zander isnt going to be much help really. shes going to have to sort her self out on her own.
Stevie is my favourite character, killing her would kill me.
HTRobsessed: did I make you cry again? :)
Somebody knows: here you go!
lots of love,
Encantria