It's Kasey who hears the razor clatter to the floor as she approaches the band room. She pushes the door open in time to see Stevie collapse to the ground, sobs starting to wrack her small body. Kasey runs forward and wraps her arms around her friend, noting the blood dripping from Stevie's left wrist. Kevin and Nelson, who were only a few steps behind her appear, both spotting the blooded razor at the same time, and looked in horror at Kasey.
"Get Zander." She says to the pair as she rubs Stevie's back soothingly.
For a few minutes while it's just the two of them, Stevie's sobs are the only sound Kasey can hear. It's a heart breaking sound, and Kasey has to wonder what has exactly led Stevie up to this point. And what would have happened if she had gotten there any later.
Zander looks impossibly calm as he walks into the band room, almost as if he had been prepared for this. He's unhurried as he finds the paper towel and, knelling down next to them, picks up Stevie's wrist gently and presses the paper towel to it. Stevie's sobs don't slow until long after Zanders taken a bandage from the emergency first aid kit and has wrapped it round her wrist.
Eventually, Stevie pulls away a bit, taking the tissue that Zanders holding out to her and wipes her eyes.
"Dam unwater proof eyeliner." Stevie mutters, seeing the black lines on the tissue.
It's a moment later before she looks up at them, her right hand holding the tissue tightly and her left resting limply on her thigh. "I'm sorry." She says.
Kasey doesn't move. Stevie's got an air of calm to her now, and Kasey gets the sense that the girl she became friends with in the first place is back.
Zander is the only one brave enough to speak, "Its ok." He doesn't go to touch her, he just gives her a little nod.
Stevie stands up. Kasey makes a move to follow her, only to have Zanders hand grip her shoulder pointedly, telling her not to.
Stevie pulls a lime green water bottle out of her bag, her name etched clearly into the metal. She takes a long sip, before looking down at her bandaged wrist silently. Zander stands, letting Kasey do the same.
Kevin and Nelson both take a step towards them so they're all standing a few meters from Stevie.
Stevie looks up at them again, gripping the water bottle tightly. "I'm sorry." She repeats.
Zander moves a few steps forward. "What now?" he asks, as if this is the most natural thing to happen.
Stevie chews her lip, "I've got control now."
Kasey frowns, control?
"I don't know when I lost control in the first place, but I've got it back now." Stevie nods at them, as if this explains everything.
"What were you doing exactly?" Zander asks.
Stevie raises an eyebrow at him and holds up her wrist, "I would have thought that would be pretty clear."
Zander gives her a wry smile, "but where was it going?"
Stevie shrugs, "don't know."
"If I hadn't walked in…" Kasey trails off, nervously.
"I'm done with that."
She looks so sure, Kasey thinks.
"How do you know?" Zander asks.
"Because I don't need to." Stevie bites her lip, "I can control what happens now. I couldn't before."
"How do you know you've got control?" Zander presses her.
Stevie takes a deep breath and puts the water bottle down, "I told you the other night that it feels better, to watch the blood run down my wrists, to turn everything red. But when I started today… I felt so sick. It didn't feel good. I didn't feel like anything hurt less. And then I realized I wasn't letting go of the pain. I was just making myself angrier. And no one did anything to deserve that at all."
Stevie's very composed, as if she has no idea of the thoughts that had passed through her friends minds in the time she had cried.
"I don't know what I was going to do when I stumbled in here half an hour ago, but I do know that it's over."
Zander moves slowly forward and Stevie gives him a nod that says he's ok to touch her. She lets him hug her tightly, burying her head in his chest. "God Steves." He said quietly. "You really had me scared for a bit."
"I'm sorry Z." he can only just make out the muffled words as she speaks into his chest.
They all hug her after, each in turn finishing with Kasey.
"I'm sorry you had to see that." Stevie says quietly, after she's pulled away from Nelson.
Kasey shakes her head. "I'm just glad you're ok."
"Yer" Stevie said quietly as she hugs Kasey, "Me to."
No one wanted to leave Stevie on her own for the rest of the day. Kasey kept insisting that class was completely unnecessary, and tried on more than one occasion to take Stevie shopping with her. Zander kept a tight grip around her waist and walked her to and from every class, enjoying the sarcastic remarks Stevie gave him every time he looked concerned (because if she could insult him that meant she really was ok). Kevin produced a stack of beanie's he had found in the band room at various times and had forgotten to give back to Stevie- she laughed and put one on. And Nelson sat with her through English while they had to discuss a particularly sad poem and drew a series of funny cartoons witch Stevie stuck on her locker.
"Sit Steves." Zander commanded gently as she walks into the band room that afternoon for band practice.
Stevie bites her lip and takes a deep breath. She knows what this is about, and at this point, there's really no point in hiding what's happened. Besides, she's ready to talk. "Ask me anything." She says quietly, "I'll answer whatever you want."
Her band mates sit on the other chairs, Zander sits next to her, lifting her legs so they end up on his lap. "Firstly, no one's going to ask you anything invasive right now." Zander says, and from his tone Stevie grasps the severity of this talk. "We all just need to get the facts straight."
"Facts?" Stevie asks. What facts could they need? She's made it fairly clear what she's done (it isn't like she was ever really making any attempt to hide anyway).
They all seem to pause, looking at each other to figure out if they all still think this is a good idea. Finally, Zander speaks, his words are slow and measured as her holds her hands gently in his. "Why did you start cutting?"
Stevie frowns, not because she's uncomfortable with the question, but because she doesn't have a solid answer. She was 15 when she'd started, she remembered so clearly locking herself in the bathroom after her brothers had arrived home a few days before Christmas, they had all hugged her and excused themselves to go unpack. All she wanted to do was spend time with them and they didn't want to spend time with her. She wanted to throw something, or hit something, or break something. She wanted to cry as she told them about everything that had happened, the bullying, how lonely she'd felt, everything.
The razor had caught her eye, shiny and sharp, on the vanity. And suddenly she just wanted to hurt herself because it must be her fault, it was her fault. She hadn't felt any regret as she dragged the razor across her wrist, it was only in the hours after, as she stared at the cuts that she realized how stupid she had been. But when her brothers had gone away again the urge to hurt herself had come back. Over and over and over again.
"I was angry, I guess. At my brothers, at myself. And when you're angry at someone you want to hurt them. So I hurt myself, because it was my fault. Or at least it felt like it was. And then it becomes addicting, like a drug, because for a few seconds everything disappears, and I wanted those few seconds of total freedom, no matter what the cost." Stevie bites her lip, looking down at her wrist. "It never lasts, you know. Afterwards I just felt worse."
Zander runs his thumb over her palm thoughtfully, "so your brothers triggered all of this?"
Stevie shrugged, "they made me mad, but it's not their fault."
Tentatively, Kevin spoke, "Is it our fault?" his face nervous as he gestured between himself and Nelson, who was clutching a pillow tightly.
"Why would you think that?" Stevie tilted her head, "you two were the only reason I was holding on. Until I met Zander, and then I had three reasons. And then you Kace. Every time I thought that I couldn't keep going I thought of you two. You guys are my best friends', we've done everything together, and the thought of not being able to keep adventuring with you two was enough to make me want to live."
Kevin looked shocked, his lip quivering a bit as he leaped over to Stevie and hugged her tightly.
"Oh Kev!" Stevie said quietly. She closed her eyes for a moment, willing the tears away. When he pulled back a little she cupped his chin gently in her palms. "You mean the world to me." She said, wiping the tear that had rolled down his cheek away with her thumb. Reaching out with one hand she grabbed Nelsons, "I love you two so much!"
Both boys hugged her tightly, simultaneously saying, "We love you to Stevie."
Maybe that's the moment it suddenly all seems real for all of them, because up until now it's like they've been living in a dream, hoping that they'll wake up. But it's all so clear now how close this has come, and for a moment while everything is silent, they all imagine what life would be like without Stevie.
Zander knew that without his muse, music would become a drag. He couldn't create music without Stevie, he couldn't do anything without Stevie. For all of Kasey's obsession with him and Stevie being soulmates, he did believe it, no matter how many times he'd told her soulmates didn't exist. He knew he'd keep going without her, he'd always remember her and he'd always try to show the world how special she was. Maybe he'd create a foundation to help people like her, maybe he'd try to stop bullying all together. Whatever he did though, he knew it would still be centered around her.
Kasey knew they'd all drift apart without Stevie, Gravity 5 would cease to exist. They'd try and stay in contact, maybe they'd get coffee every year on her birthday. She'd marry a rich and successful guy and maybe become a model or a designer, and they'd have 3 beautiful children, just like she'd always wanted. But it wouldn't be the life she'd hoped for, it wouldn't include dragging Stevie shopping, it wouldn't include coffee dates where they'd gush over their husbands, it wouldn't include eating chocolate ice-cream on their periods and crying over some sappy movie. She'd lose her best friend and with her everything that Kasey had come to want so much over the past year.
Kevin remembered all the times Stevie had walked in on him and Nelson doing something stupid, their numerous experiments, inventions and dioramas earned a raised eyebrow and entertained smirk from their dark haired friend. She tended to leave them to it unless she deemed what they were doing unsafe, in which case she always gently diverted their attention. Without Stevie to prevent them from hurting themselves they would likely end up in hospitable at least once (if they were lucky).
Nelson knew he needed Stevie's constant challenge of his intelligence, whenever he couldn't solve a problem, she always could. She usually had no interest in proving that she was smart, except when it came to correcting him. She would smirk, cross her arms, and tell him the correct answer without hesitation. And then, when he called her at three AM complaining that he still couldn't figure out how she'd done it, She would laugh and come over, helping him with the problem until they both fell asleep. Nelson needed her absolute faith in him and Grace, he needed her to tell him to be confident, to push him towards her before every school dance, with an encouraging smile and the reassurance that he could do it. Nelson didn't know how he'd cope without her, he and Kevin would become the two musketeers, holding on to the last of the threads of a friendship that they'd thought was immortal.
"I really am sorry." Stevie said quietly, looking down at her bandaged wrist so she couldn't meet any of her band mate's eyes. "I honestly never meant to hurt any of you."
Zander took her hand gently and laced their fingers together, "It's over now."
She nodded silently, making a mental note to repaint her nails- they looked terrible.
"I have a question." Kasey said, her hands clasped neatly on her lap and her eyes deathly serious.
"Shoot." Stevie responded.
"Kevin and Nelson mentioned some prophecy or something? What is that?"
"Oh." Stevie snorted, "That. It's a load of garbage. Totally stupid really. When my grandfather was younger he went to a fortune teller who told him that as long as his thirteenth grandchild remained pure of heart and childlike in disposition then his company would continue to flourish. So, from the moment I was born he has been trying to keep me 'pure' and 'childlike'. I can't stand it. Every time I went over to my grandparents as a kid, or to anything really, my Aunt Margret would dress me up in baby doll dresses and paraded me around like a little pageant girl- because she thought that would keep me childlike." Stevie frowned, the memories starting to upset her.
Zander rubbed her arm gently, she gave him a little smile and continued, "When my grandmother found me she would always change me back and send me into the protection of my brothers." Stevie gave a little sigh, "that's why I hate wearing dresses usually. It's also why I liked playing outside so much and why I don't like spending time with my family."
"When I was seven I said I'd never fall in love. Obviously things changed, but I've been held to that statement as my Grandfather believes that to furfill his precious prophecy I can't, no one but Georgie ever thought I would. When I met you, Zander, Georgie instantly started to catch on that you were different. She teased me mercilessly about you- not that I minded because it meant all we did was talk about you- but that created problems because no one believed her. That's why I didn't tell anyone when we started dating."
Stevie took a deep breath, her voice low, "Maybe that's part of the reason why I kept cutting. If I could just discount the prophecy by becoming as impure as possible maybe I could feel normal. No one noticed the scars though. That hurt. That no one cared enough to stop me." Stevie looked up at Zander, "And then you did. You cared enough to stop me and after all the times my family had ignored me, and had only cared about the prophecy it was nice to have someone care about me."
"What about Georgie?" Zander asked, "Surely she noticed."
"She was the only one. She yelled at me and told me I couldn't keep going. I yelled back, pulled my sleeves lower and kept going. Afterwards we cried and she told me over and over again that I was important. It helped a little, but it doesn't change that no one else noticed. I didn't do it for a month or so after that, but I needed the satisfaction and the feelings it brought with it. So I kept going."
"So Georgie knows everything?" Kasey said slowly.
Stevie nodded, "I'm going to be totally honest now. There was one night I came so close to…" she broke off, not wanting to finish the sentence. "Anyway, I called Georgie because I figured that I should at least say goodbye, I guess part of me wanted to be talked down. She sat on the phone with me for four hours while I sobbed." Stevie shook her head to clear it. "You might find Georgie a bit… over the top sometimes, but she's always been there for me. And she is an incredible person."
"When Georgie was here she told us she was going to try and convince you to let us help you. Why didn't she just do it herself?" Zander asked.
Stevie nodded, "fair question. She explained to me later that if I ever tried that again that I would have to call you."
Zander frowned, "why?"
Stevie bit her lip, "because, shes 300 miles away. And because-" Stevie paused, "She wanted me to tell you that I was…" she broke off and chewed at her lip.
"Suicidal." Zander finished for her.
Stevie nodded, "not right now, but…"
Zander nodded. "Well, I'm glad I know."
Stevie raised an eyebrow, "you are? Wouldn't you rather have a girlfriend who wasn't a danger to herself?"
Zander shook his head, "I'd still have you over anyone. I'm glad I know because that gives me answers, and I can hopefully make an educated guess if this ever happens again. Is this likely to happen again?"
Stevie shrugged, "I don't know. All I know is that I have worked out how to sort myself out. I know where I went wrong and I don't need what I thought I needed."
Zander frowned, but didn't ask her to explain. If she knew what to do then he wasn't going to question her.
"What can we do to help you now?" Kasey asked solemnly.
Stevie blinked a little, it wasn't like it came as a total shock her friends wanted to help her, but she had expected them to just drop it and then treat her as normally as they could while checking continuously on her. "Just… I don't really know. Don't treat me like I'm made out of glass, and don't ask me if I'm ok all the time. I want to be normal. I get that you probably don't want to leave me places with sharp objects or whatever, but trust me, if I wanted to start up again you couldn't stop me. And I totally get that this is all a lot to take in. So, just so long as we are clear on not wrapping me in cotton wool, I think I'll be fine."
Everyone nods and Stevie crinkles her nose, "lets practice!" She says, jumping up to grab her base and giving it a few test strums. Everyone else follows, breathing a sigh of relief.
Hello Darlings!
I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter as it's been one of my favorites so far to write.
So there's only a few chapters left of this story. Obviously this story has opened up a lot of questions, and unfortunately I'm going to have trouble remembering exactly which ones I've answered. SO, if you have a question or a supposed plot hole I need to close, PLEASE tell me!
Xxx Encantria