Hello! How are you folks? I am fine here. Grounded and in the middle of exams but fine nevertheless. This time I am positively positive though that this is not going to end soon or easily. This time I really screwed up and don't even ask me how. Just one stupid dare and there goes my dongle and Quotev. Ugh! Alright on with the chapter!
Rukia's POV
I don't know what woke me up. Maybe the faint thrumming in my head, or the recurrent nightmares, or just about nothing in particular, I had no idea. The first thing I noticed was how I was back in my room. Somebody must have shifted me here. Who, the servants? I snorted. Who else? I tried to sit up only to feel a sharp sting in my butt. I hissed and hunched up but had to fall right down on my knees when the pit at the bottom of my stomach erupted in fire. I twisted my way out of the sheets somehow and sat back.
His sight was misplaced here, just like his affections were misplaced in me.
His face was drawn in his usual emotionless mask. His cold eyes swept over my futon disapprovingly. "The inconvenience just now should not have been here. I shall get it rectified…"
"Shut up. Just shut up. I need just a bit more than a needle less mattress Kuchiki taichou and you can never provide that." I was anything but sorry, though a twinge of guilt uncurled inside me when I saw his head cock back, as if stung. Maybe, just maybe, if he showed more of his emotions, people would bother remembering that he could be hurt.
He hesitated. "Why didn't you tell me?"
His stress was not on why I didn't tell him, rather it was on why didn't I tell him. There was a big difference between the two, which was so easy to ignore…
"How many opportunities did you provide me with?"
"You were the one who had been avoiding me."
Somehow, his fake indifference spiked my temper. "Would you please stop acting like all this bores the hell out of you?! Please?!"
His eyes widened a bit and I saw him struggle with an appropriate expression. I remembered how in one of my immature fantasies I thought he had just forgotten how to display expressions and now no matter how he wanted to he couldn't, so it might just be that I mattered to him but he just couldn't show it.
It was miraculous how that was partially true and partially over estimated, and that hurt.
Finally he settled for a stoic mask as always. "I thought, after everything, now you would be someone who couldn't be fooled by my mask."
I, for once, regretted snapping at my brother, adoptive or whatever. It was just so surprising how everyone was so difficult for me to read. I would rather starve than live a life the likes of his, in this palace. This was not where I belonged. I was an insect from the streets of the roughest districts of Soul Society. That. Is. It.
I leaned away from where he was perched. Right at the threshold like he was preparing to jump out. I gazed at him steadily. His eyes revealed nothing. Nothing, at all. Wouldn't it be easier were that just how it was?
"I am sorry, but I am not. Not after what happened tonight. I don't think you have anymore to yourself than your deaf pride that refuses to listen or the family name that is now soiled because of me. Believe me Nii-sama, I am."
"I am sorry if that is so. What do you wish to do from now on? I would abide with whatever you say."
It was at that precise moment that I realized how whatever we had worked up in this past month and a half had been destroyed by that small speech of mine. I had pushed him further away than he ever was. I had just severed any weird travesty of any kind of relation that we could have built. And yes, I was sorry. Sorry for him and for myself. Sorry for so many people all of a sudden that I was obliged to cry again.
I could try to salvage it. Backtrack and tell him how I never meant that, but some threads just couldn't be reattached. Once destroyed they would remain gone forever. Ours was one such thread. I won't lie and tell him I wasn't mad at him, nor could I force myself to believe either of us had actually known what to do and acted how we did upon deliberation. There was no turning back. We were gone.
"Do as you please. I am used to having everything foretold in my life anyway." I expected him to protest or probably lecture me about taking responsibility, but all he did was nod. It surprised me. Was it that easy for him to decide my life for me? Not entirely his fault though.
"About Kurosaki, I wish to punish him…"
"No!" The word was out before I fully contemplated what he meant. I watched his mask crumble, and he grimaced as if stung. It struck me that my protectiveness of my offender made his heart hurt. To me, he was more important than life itself. I would let someone else decide the course of my life however, I won't let anybody scratch that Kurosaki boy. I grimaced as well.
"As you wish." He stood up and so did I. It was a habit and it didn't look like it would leave anytime soon. Against my better will, my legs carried me foreword till I was standing in front of him, blocking him from my door, which he had opened already. He stopped when he saw me, allowing his eyes to graze my jaw. He skirted my eyes though. He started leaning down and placing his arms around my frail waist, touched his warm lips to my damp forehead. He remained there for about five minutes. Finally, he whispered against my skin. "I am sorry, Rukia."
"So am I, Byakuya." The words just slipped out and felt so right. Calling him by his name instead of elder brother, Captain or whatever was easier as well.
He straightened, and without casting one backward glance, swept out. He slid the door behind himself and I couldn't help but think it symbolized the walls between us, closed doors and shuttered windows. That was all that was left of us now.
Through the thin material of the rice door, I heard him whisper the very same phrase as me at the very same moment. It was surprising how close our thoughts had came to uniting, as if we were one mind instead of two, separated by a door that could be opened anytime soon. Only it was not so.
"I am sorry Hisana."
I could not decide whether the letter I received right in the morning made me feel better or worse, but I guessed that was all there would be to it. Now there was no backtracking. Officially so.
Rukia,
I am perfectly aware of how receiving this letter early in the morning won't be on the top of your list of priorities but there are things that need to be conveyed. You gave me permission yesterday to decide your fate for you, and I have complied. I think it will be in your best interests, if you stayed away from any laborious work from now on, whatever that might be, so your wedding will be closed off with only a few friends, with absolutely no pomp and show so that you may not be wearied out.
My eyes widened at that. Did he really want to…? No. I frowned. I would not let myself be cheated now. I could almost hear the snickers of the Elders when they won over him, as he tried to resist my wedding. I sighed. Those lines about me not being worn out by the wedding and all were just covers they were using to conceal their original intentions, which was to let no one know of my condition. He had thinly wrapped it because he wanted me to know. He wanted me to know this was not his decision.
You wedding will be in a week from now, in the human world.
I smiled at that. There, people might as well enjoy it.
As is obvious, you will go to live with the Kurosaki from then onwards. You are not being exiled from Soul Society but I have seen to it that you have to have no connection with anybody here. You are always welcome, but your status in the Thirteen Court Guard Squads, is hereby taken to never be returned. You cannot use your sword though, in the human world, whereas you may retain your powers.
I could not believe this. So I was no one to them from now on. My thoughts whizzed back to my life in my Squad. To the friendly smile of my Captain, to the scrabble of those two idiots, and most importantly to the memories of Kaien dono, that seemed to have been scribbled on the walls of the place. I suddenly felt woozy. Just what all had I lost?
The guest list has been finalized. If you wish to see it you can come to my office, and I will show it to you. Though, alterations will take a bit to be considered.
If there is anything you object to you can always discuss it in the presence of the Elders.
Kuchiki Byakuya.
I felt a deep throb in my heart. Was it that easy for him to discard me? Did he really want this? Tears stung my eyes. He was just going to marry me off, while I was this… ruined? He was going to tear my life apart. Was this how it would end? Why the hell did so many people risk their lives for me if this was how it would end?
I leaned against the wall and stifled a sob. Why was it so hard to accept this?
I turned the envelope over in my hand to put it away. I smoothed the sheet. It laid a life time imprisonment sentence for me, but I treasured it. Hell yes, I did. A tear rolled down my cheek as my fingers ran over a deep impression in the velum sheet. I squinted at it, to find the insignia of the Kuchiki clan. I scowled as it all fell in place.
The letter was written by my brother, but sent to me only once the Elders approved of it. It was them working through him. It was them.
It was me.
*TIME SKIP*
I looked down at the envelope he slipped me as he crossed me. The dinner had gone by in much familiar silence. My heart hurt to see his strangely dignified yet threatening movements. He was so strong but even he could not alter the decisions of the Elders. He had sworn to never break rules again, and I honestly did not believe I was important enough.
His face was set in his perfect emotionless mask. It was painful that he did not even acknowledge my presence. Even the servants seemed to have noticed how the weird strangled tension that had been forsaken between us had returned full force.
So when I registered the feeling of the smooth sheet in my hand, I frowned and stopped right there. It was only his retreating figure that made me jolt out of my reverie and move. I would not want anybody to discover this one letter.
I closed the door of my room firmly behind me. My room felt safe and closed off, sheltered from the beasts of this house. I sat down on my bed and unfolded the letter with a thudding heart.
Dear Rukia,
First of all, I would like to apologize for my cold addressing in the previous letter. As you might have guessed, I was the one writing it, yet really wasn't expressing how I felt. It was the Elders. I cannot override their decisions. I had sworn on my parents' grave that I will not break any rules. That which they accuse you of, that is sleeping with a man before marriage, is punishable by an outcasting. I received some compensation in your case after a debate of five continuous hours. I have no idea, how to react to this. I am perfectly aware of how this might hurt you and I am sorry.
I know we reached a strange understanding yesterday. I did not wish to severe it but there are things I need to tell you, things I couldn't have, had I been in front of you. I am afraid I would say things I do not mean. I just want to let you know, that you are precious. And you aren't scarred. You are as pure and perfect as ever. I still love you, Rukia.
I don't want to let you go. I want to lock you up in a safe vault and keep you away from everyone's eyes. But I am afraid I can't and it is not just about the rules, it is about how I know you won't want to be restrained. You have grown on the streets, and you carry the energy and spirit from there to these desolate walls. You don't belong here but you don't belong there either. I am afraid I can never give you what you deserve. I love you Rukia, but you are not mine to keep.
The marriage was uncalled for. It was unneeded. I have no idea, whether you approve of it, or disapprove, but it would hurt me either way.
There are things in life that we are destined to achieve, others that we have to work for, and the last group, the one where it is just impossible to have them, yet they are what we crave for. And the emptiness their absence leaves hurts so much. I do not know how you feel about me, neither do I wish or deserve to. I am sorry and thankful at the same time. I have failed Hisana, I could not keep you safe. You were happier with that lieutenant of mine and I know that. You are that treasure that I, in all my selfish fantasies, have every right to claim, but have long lost the key to.
I am sorry. This was never what I wanted. I don't know how this will turn out in the end, but however that happens, I wish you a happy life ahead.
And yes, please don't let it break you. Remain the same, remain you, remain mine.
Byakuya.
I did not feel like crying.
My response surprised me. I did not feel any kind of negative emotions. If anything, the letter set me at peace. He did not feel like how I thought he did, and that was all that mattered.
I stood up mechanically. My legs were under no control my brain could enforce as I walked out of the room and towards the west wing.
I was not supposed to be here. I was reminded of the same every time I crossed a servant, but this was where I wanted to be and now that I was already impure in the eyes of the Elders, as Byakuya's last letter suggested, I might as well be proved so and it would not matter. They could not kill me.
I had a strange sense of purpose, I had never felt in this house before. I was right and I wasn't going to be deterred.
I did not bother to knock on his door and slid it open to his white clad back as he sat working. He turned and looked up, crooking one perfect eye brow at my sudden appearance. I wanted to scream at him all of a sudden for looking so perfect even at night.
I walked up to where he sat, steadily realizing that I wanted to do this. I wanted to be here all along. My subconscious had fulfilled what my conscious denied accepting and I was hellishly grateful.
"Rukia…"
"Shut up."
His eyes widened, but then he sighed with a faint smile. I remembered the night when he first admitted his affections for me. It brought a smile to my lips as well.
"I guess I should quit being surprised when you say that."
"Yeah, I got a brain that thinks quite a lot like yours and I do not like to hear stupid statements of the least importance. For instance, I know my name so I don't want to hear the surprise etched on to it. I want to be here. For one last time."
He nodded and stood up. He crossed the small distance left between us and pulled me close to his chest, his heavenly scent engulfing me completely. He lead us towards his futon where he settled comfortably before pulling me along. It felt uncomfortable doing this. I no longer belonged here. But just for this one night I was willing to forget. Forget all that had been said and done. I had had a considerably healthy day today. It was easy to forget the fetus in my stomach. I let myself believe it did not exist. It did not have to. I was selfish.
My body curled perfectly next to his. For the first time, I was glad I was so small. I leaned into the hollow of his neck. I was suddenly so tired.
Sleep didn't take moments to come.
How was that.?. please comment. I love you
Guest: 'The bomb has been dropped! Dang, I didn't even see it coming ( I should have)! Holy crap you know things are serious when freakin head captain gets involved! Kyaaaa can't wait for the next chapter! _' Well I am glad you didn't ;) HERE IS YOUR CHAPTER SAY YAY!
Guest: 'I can't wait for next chapter ! please update soon' Here ya go sweetie 3
Guest: ' love this fic' Thanks you have absolutely no idea how much that mans to me.
LuciaKuchiki: Well I am glad you think so. Here is your update. Your username is interesting tbh
JoTerry: Hiya! Been a while since we talked. Well I didn't get the time to look into it but I am taking your word for it, And you have no idea how excited I am for the fic you might publish. If it so happens to be, yours will be the first ShuuRuki I read.