AN: Hey there! :) Sorry it took sooo long. Hope you enjoy this! :D (Was written in a rush, all mistakes are my own)
Déjà vu.
Sheldon and Amy were sitting on the hotel bed after finishing up their morning absolution.
She remembered the time when they had sat in similar positions on Sheldon's bed after playing Dungeons and Dragons with their friends.
Their conversation at that time had given her hope. And she had carried that hope until their fateful fifth anniversary. But that hope was crushed that day. She knew that the conversation now was very important. She had some explanations to do, even if it would break her heart. Amy was still pinning for Sheldon and she had to set him and her heart free.
Sheldon was not very good with emotions. But with years he had found that when it came to Amy, he was quite perceptive.
And it was with that perceptiveness he knew that this would be his only chance to get her back.
Make it or break it.
He shuddered at that thought.
He had quite a vast vocabulary and eloquent speech capabilities. It shouldn't be a difficult task to make Amy see his way.
But try as he might, words refused to fall out of his mouth. The enormity of the situation was making him consider and reconsider everything he wanted to tell.
He sneaked a glance at Amy.
She was looking at him expectantly and patiently.
Damn it! Cooper. Say something.
Like always Amy rescued him from his discomfort. She spoke first and he listened intently.
"Sheldon" she said "I know that it was unfair of me to let you be in the dark about why I broke up with you, why I was angry on our anniversary."
Unfair of her? If anybody was unfair, the king of unfair, then it would be Sheldon Lee Cooper.
"We were finally getting somewhere with our physical relationship that day. The kiss was nothing like our previous ones. I was on cloud nine. But when you mentioned Flash, I came crashing down. I understand how your brain works Sheldon, being a neuroscientist and all. You have parallel processing ability, the ability to think about different things at once. That's why I clarified whether any of those thoughts was about me. When none of it was about our kiss I was upset. Not because you were not thinking of me or about the kiss, but because of the realization that I was wrong. I signed the relationship agreement, confident that with time we will be together. Together in every sense of the word. Not just a physical relationship, marriage, children, the whole package. I was so blinded by my confidence and hope that I had refused to see that it would never be like that. That's why I asked for some time to reevaluate our relationship. I wanted to come in terms with the fact. My intention was never to leave you. I just wanted to bury all those wishes. I was okay with just being with you, Sheldon. I love you. I wanted to be happy with what we had" by this time tears had begun to flow from Amy's eyes.
"It's all my fault. Really. You didn't want any of this, I forced you into everything. Seeing you at my door was too much. I was already feeling guilty and was considering breaking up with you. And when you commented on my biological clock, I snapped. I'm sorry. I should have told you all this before but I was afraid that you would flee. It was selfish of me to not let you go. We wanted different things from the relationship. I'm really sorry" the last part came out as a choked sob.
Sheldon looked at the bawling woman in front of him.
You don't deserve her, was his first thought.
She still loves you, was his second thought.
Oh! No. Amy Farrah Fowler was not selfish. Not one bit. He was, is and will always be selfish.
He was selfish enough to want her even though he didn't deserve her.
"Amy, you were absolutely right about my parallel processing. But in all your consideration you neglected two most important things. One, when it comes to emotions I try my best to appear untouched by it, to be the superior homonovus that I consider myself to be. And second that I am stubborn. Nobody forces me to do anything that I don't like.
The moment when I first laid my eyes on you, I knew I was in trouble. I resisted you with all I had. You were threatening to break all my solid believes on relationships. And yet, I let you. I let you make me fall in love with you.
I thought that it was obvious that I was in love with you, but then your panic attack made me realize that it wasn't that obvious. But Amy, even after I declared my love like some hippy why would you doubt me?
On our anniversary I wanted to do more than just kiss you. It was becoming so overwhelming for me. Hence I chose to think about something else but still you managed to be invade into my thoughts. You are always there, ever present."
He looked at her. Her face was tear stained but the tears had stopped and she was looking at him in shock and wonder. It encouraged him to continue.
"I struggled throughout our relationship with the ever changing dynamics of it. It was not that I didn't want it. It was all so new, the speed of changes scared me. You weren't forcing me, you just gave the push that we needed.
I am a very trying man. My mom and meemaw both agree on that. But you were always so patient and quick to forgive."
Now he cupped her face in his hands, cherishing the warmth.
"But your patience ran out just when I was ready to get to the next step of our relationship. I was going to propose."
She sucked in a sharp breath.
"Yes, Amy. I was getting there. Slowly but surely."
Amy had always wondered whether breaking things off with Sheldon was a good idea or not. She always teetered between the both. But now she was sure, it was the most idiotic and impulsive thing she had done in her entire life.
And when his full words sank in, her broken heart began to mend itself with renewed vigor.
She was just about to lean in and kiss him, when Sheldon dropped his hands and his shoulders hunched dejectedly.
"But I don't deserve you. I have been downright cruel and selfish in our relationship. Who runs away when your girlfriend wanted to move in with you? I was afraid that living with me, you'd find me tedious. That the proximity would finally mange to annoy you like it does to others. I am a coward, not the man you deserve to be happy. I don't even tell you how beautiful you look, even when your hair is all mussed up after you wake up, even after having a harrowing day at work, when you sleep, when you smile, when you talk, laugh, think…"
He didn't finish because Amy's mouth was on his, silencing him.
AN: Like it? I'd love to know.