Right after the council meeting she ran back to her room, to once more dive into her thoughts and try to restore the connection to the Force. She was worried, and concerned for everyone she'd put at risk because of her limited ability to use the Force. It's only so far you can get, without someone noticing the obvious problem or, worse, someone getting hurt.
It didn't feel right, something was holding her back and she couldn't quite name what it was, but she tried. Heaven knows, she tried. By this moment, she's spent hours renouncing every little urge, every little fear, anything that could possibly hold her down or be used against her in a fight. And nothing. She always assumed she wasn't just trying hard enough, but now the stakes just got real—someone else was involved. Her Master, master Kenobi, master Billaba and her young padawan Caleb, and the soldiers, and then the refugees… It's only so far you can trust your instincts, and get away with it. She hoped she'd have it all figured out by the time she was assigned for a new mission. And now she was in big trouble.
Every time she tried to lift and move around in the air the three little chrome balls that she had always used for practice, she couldn't sustain her focus, and so the balls would hit the floor with a bump, time after time. Then she would take a few deep breaths not to let frustration take over, and try again.
If she couldn't lift the chrome balls, what was she going to do if they ran into Dooku? Or anyone, who's been taught in the ways of the Force. What if her Master isn't there to help her out? What if she doesn't see this one blaster coming at her, and without the Force she won't be able to protect herself? It's only so far your instincts can get you.
She's lost the sense of time, trying so desperately to go deeper into meditation and move these damn balls. But once she managed to make them float above the surface, something immediately brought them down. Over and over again. A pathetic excuse for a Jedi she was, if she couldn't lift the three chrome balls in the air and make them stay that way, let alone use the Force in a fight or self-defence.
It all started a couple of months ago, and it wasn't an immediate loss of powers. It took time, slowly but surely, to end up like this. In the beginning she couldn't even tell the difference, since she's never had a strong command of the Force. But by now, she's lost the ability to sense anything altogether; should there be any disturbance, she'd surely miss it. She couldn't even tell, if it was the Dark Side casting a long shadow on her abilities and devotion to the Jedi Order. And if it was, it felt all the same to her.
Her master knew about her struggles for some time, however, what he did not realise was the expanse of the problem. Still, on Leth's request, he had adjusted the combat training to her current abilities, making it more offensive and more reliant on her lightsaber skills and physical stamina, than Force. Going around the problem, instead of finding out what caused it in first place, wasn't the best decision they could've made. Her ability to use the Force was what ultimately determined whether she was in fact a Jedi or just an imposter prancing around with a lightsaber, but Ares didn't necessarily realise the seriousness of the situation.
True, he could sense Leth's distraction and some form of fear of using the Force, but he assumed it was just her feelings getting in way. After all, he was a padawan once, so he knew that renouncing all attachments, or avoiding creating new ones for that matter, at Leth's age, wasn't easy. She was barely nineteen, and still had much to learn. It wasn't an unlikely scenario that she might've developed a very inappropriate crush on one of the Jedi masters, or a fellow padawan. These situations weren't uncommon, just because they were a taboo and no one dared speak of them aloud. Ares just brushed Leth's "little Force problem" off, he found it wasn't that serious. He knew Leth and trusted her enough not to pursue this feeling, or whatever that was. Sooner or later she'd be over it, he figured, but by the time she does, they had to simply change the approach to her training.
And it worked so far. No one had noticed the change in her fighting style or asked questions regarding her not using the Force to push or lift objects. Her instincts served her well on most occasions, that is, she still hasn't crushed her fighter or missed a shot when situation required it, but deep down in her soul, she knew she was not always going to get that lucky. And ever since her connection to the Force got worse, she hasn't really participated in any big mission, such as the one that was coming. She couldn't tell how the refugee transfer was going to end, but she was deeply concerned as she didn't feel she was up for this challenge.
Suddenly there was a knocking on the door. And the balls once more fell on the floor. Leth sighed, rising up. She fixed her coiled rag that revealed a little more of her crimson body than it should, and then jumped across the room to open the door. It was Barriss, who lived right next to her.
"Are you alone?" she asked, looking into the room.
"Yes, why?"
"I need to talk to you. If you have time."
"Come inside." She showed her in, and they sat on the opposite sides of the small round table.
"I hear the council picked you to go on a mission in the Outer Rim, the refugee retrieval." Leth nodded. The idea still filled her with sadness, anxiety and concern, that her temporary inability to use the Force as she once could, was going to affect the outcome of the mission. And Barriss could easily sense it. "You're scared. Why?"
"It's nothing. I'm just worried for the youngling, Caleb. He's just been assigned to master Billaba a couple of weeks ago, and it's his first mission." It wasn't not true, Leth was scared for little Caleb, but she didn't feel like she should tell Barriss what was the real reason behind her fears.
"We were all younglings once, he'll be fine."
"He's not going to fight, just observe. Depa has more of a watch and learn approach to her training, before she lets her padawans step into action. But still, we're going down together to board the refugees and take them back to the cruiser. Ares and Obi-Wan are going to take fighters and distract the Separatists, so that we have a chance to break through and actually land—"
"Wait, so you're not flying?" interrupted Barriss in a very interrogative, if not suspicious, tone. Leth wished she wasn't so perceptive. "Was that the Council's decision?"
"No, it was… mine."
"But why?"
"I just don't think it's the best idea that I command the air strikes at the moment."
"Oh." Barriss squinted her eyes, still looking at Leth. "Has the council decided when you're going to leave?"
"In three days. We're still waiting for the coordinates of the refugee camp, Obi-Wan is working on it. And Ares is still negotiating the number of troopers we're taking with us. The Senate hasn't been very generous lately… I hate the way it's done, but we just were offered only a squadron, and it's next to nothing, considering the blockade we have to go through and— I just— I wish the war was over already."
"Me too. But I fear the Senate and the Jedi Council wouldn't necessarily agree with us on that."
"What? Why?"
"Think about it, Leth. If they really wanted it enough, they would've stopped the war long ago. But it's just too good a business to let it pass. The politicians have grown very attached to their luxurious apartments and making big money on, well, talking. And the Jedi Order isn't exactly doing much to stop the war, we're participating in it. In fact, we bring war. We are war."
"Barriss, it's not that simple, you can't just—"
"No, you're right, I can't. But I can speak up and take action. Do something about it."
"We're all trying to do something about it… It just takes time."
"Yes. And it's taking too long, don't you think?"
Leth looked back in her memory. She couldn't actually remember the time when it was just peace. Her first memories are those on Naos, when she and her family were running for life, seeking a hiding place underground, on the lowest levels of Naos, because their home has been torn apart in the bombing. Not much has changed since then.
"I do."
"Then why do we let this happen, Leth?" And the truth is, Leth didn't know what to answer. Because none of the things she could think of seemed good enough to bring into conversation as explanation for the war.