A/N: Special thanks to anyone who's reviewed! Anyway, I had this chapter ready and I thought, why not? Two chapters in one day, aren't you lucky!s
Chapter 7
In Which Ebony is Incredibly Mary Sue
Ariana shuffled her notes. Five… four… three…. Two….
"Good evening, class. In this lesson we shall rewrite chapter seven of My Immortal, and we shall discuss more about the nature of Sues.
"There are no major issues in this chapter, other than the increasing Sue-ness, so we shall move on to discussing the natures of Sues
"There are many kinds of Sues, the most common – and most dangerous, being the Self Insert. Self Inserts are varied in nature, most fall under the category of Sue, but some, like myself, are for the Fanfiction side. I am, technically, a self-insert. Many of you will have noticed that my name, Ariana Peverell, is the name my creator chose to be her pen name, and I behave much like my creator does when talking about something technical, for example, when my creator, who shall henceforth be called C, is talking about her robotics team to an opposing side. C has a lot of fun doing that.
"Mary Sue Self Inserts are generally an absolutely perfect version of their creator, and are almost always super-powered, or are constantly in need for the hero to rescue her. Some are both, like the Twilight Saga Sue Bella Swan, who is, sadly, the actual protagonist and not in Fanfiction."
Ariana shook her head sadly, "I greatly fear for the land of Twilight, which is completely overrun with the most disgusting kind of Sue, the Canon Sue. Because let's face it, people, Ginny is a Sue. She looks like Lily Potter, she's an awesome fighter, she led DA, she's Ron's sister, and she married Harry. Gah. C hates Ginny Weasley with a passion, and as I am a Self-Insert, so do I. I reflect my creator's opinions and beliefs, but as I am only here to narrate the changes made from Original to Rewrite, and kick-start the plot, I'm not threatening to well written Fanfiction, and am one of the sadly few good Self-Inserts.
"Now we move on to the last main kind of Sue, the Fanon Sue. Fanon Sues include genius!Hermione godlike!Harry, and suddenlyallangstyhotandaperfectmatchforHarry!Ginny, which sadly appears in Canon as well. These Sues/Stus are very annoying and should be avoided at all costs.
"Now that we've cleared that up, we shall move on to the A/N rewrite. Here is the original:"
Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life
AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da next chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!
"Now we shall rewrite it, correcting spelling, grammar, and general rudeness. Here is the rewritten version:"
Chapter 7
A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I'll report anyone who flames the story, though.
"Considering that Rewritten!Ebony isn't a Mary Sue (hopefully, C hasn't gotten to the character development yet, and she's very young (twelve years, eight months, and twenty-two days), so Rewritten!Ebony may seem a little underdeveloped when she gets to that part), and the fact that the Rewritten story so far has done nothing to deserve flames, most of this A/N is redundant.
"Now we shall move on to the second part of the lesson, the plot. In the original, the main points were, one, to have Ebony believe Draco had cheated on with Harry, and two, to have Ebony run off into the Forbidden Forest. In the rewrite, we shall change this to Ebony having her first tutoring session with Daphne Greengrass, and Draco asking her out on a second date.
"Now for the last part of the lesson, the rewrite. Here is the original chapter, bar sexual situations and cussing:"
XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went to his room and locked the door. Then….
WHAT? YOU SAY. WHY HAS THE AUTHOR LEFT OUT A PARAGRAPH? YOU SAY. TRUST ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW. NO REALLY, YOU DON'T.
"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words….. Vampire!
I was so angry.
"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
"No you ****ing idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"
I put on my clothes al huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what and everything but I was to mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.
"VAMPIRE POTTER YOU MOTHER****ER!" I yelled.
"As you can see, Ebony begins her development to Super-Sue by jumping to conclusions, dumping her boyfriend, and running into classes for needless disruptions, an action that should get her suspended. It is at this point that the Rewrite really breaks off from the Original and begins to become a fanfiction in its own right, as the plot has become nonsensical.
"Now we shall rewrite the chapter, keeping in mind changes already made, and the ones we discussed in this lesson. Here is the rewritten version:"
As the day wore on, I dreaded the tutoring session with Slytherin's Ice Queen more and more. Willow was speaking to me again, but was completely unsympathetic towards my current plight. I was sitting in the Slytherin common room now, slowly counting down my last seconds of freedom before Greengrass snapped me up.
Draco sidled up to me, trying, for once in his life, to look as inconspicuous as possible. He failed spectacularly.
"So Ebony, I was wondering…" he gulped, trying to fortify his courage, "Do you want to have go for a walk beside the Black Lake after dinner tomorrow?"
"Like a date?" I asked, and immediately regretted it.
"Yeah, sort of, we could get a picnic basket from the kitchens, I guess," he said.
"Sure," I replied. At least I had an excuse for avoiding Greengrass tomorrow.
Plus, Draco was kind of cute.
Don't tell anyone I said that.
Draco left, going back to his friends, Theodore and Blaise, to proclaim his success while Blaise smirked and Theodore listened with a rapt gaze.
My last seconds of Greengrass-free time slipped by, and Greengrass and I were soon seated in an unused classroom, poring over Herbology books.
"So…. You water it… every three days with four gallons of water? That's what the books say, but it never seems to work," said Greengrass, brow furrowed in puzzlement.
I sighed. "The books contain a very base care routine for the Venomous Tentacula, in actuality, the best way to water them is to put three drops of diluted Bobotuber pus for every two gallons. Tentacula's are very tough, they can take it, and it stops them from getting acne as many are prone to do."
"I see…" she still sounded unsure.
"Ask Professor Sprout if you doubt my word," I huffed.
"Will do," she said frostily.
What have I gotten myself into?
A/N: The time has come…. Who shall be the Rewrite's villain? Vote for one of the three choices below.
Fenrir Greyback
Rabastan Lestrange
Luscious Badboy