Ch. 5: Attitude is the Source
Temari bows her head down, her hands are clasped behind her back and her fingers are fighting and fidgeting terribly. Her blonde gold hair swinging before her serves to ease her nerves if just a bit. It wasn't a ridiculous request. It was perfectly reasonable. She was after all fourteen, a decent enough age; some were allowed to do it at the age of six. It wasn't ridiculous, she reasons calmly. She's strong and far more intelligent than quite a few of this year's entrants. It made sense.
The Kazekage laughed coldly. "A lovely joke."
Temari turns up to glare at the man. At her supposed father, "It was not a joke."
His lips are curved into a smile, but there is nothing warm about his expression at all – it's purely cold and warning. "No."
Baki acknowledges his decision with grace. "Very well, Kazekage-sama."
Temari isn't quite so ready to give up. "You are a fucking idiot, you know that!? I'm better than half—"
The Kazekage's eyes gain a sharp look and Baki covers her mouth with his hand. "Enough, Temari." Baki hisses at her.
Baki means well and she hold more respect for him than for any other adult she's ever met so she nods and bites the insults and fury down.
The Kazekage nods, but the fury in his eyes is still evident.
"Thank you, Kazekage-sama." Baki states formally, pushing Temari in front of him, making to leave.
"Baki?" The Kazekage prompts authoritatively.
Her sensei turns. "Yes?"
"You have not put in a request for Kankurou."
Temari blinks and feels an unknown fury boil inside of her.
"I do not believe he is ready quite yet." Baki explains.
"Well I believe he is." The Kazekage orders.
Baki nods. "I will broach the subject with him."
Temari bites down on her lip so hard, trying not to yell, to curse, to hurt someone so badly. Like she wants to. Baki pushes her gently and they exit. All the way out of the building Temari says nothing. Instead she lets the blinding fury grow rapidly inside her.
At one point she becomes aware that she's bit down on her lip so hard that it's begun to bleed.
"Temari," Baki begins, "don't—"
"Save it." She spits out.
"It is not your brother's fault."
She's a much better shinobi than Kankurou is. MUCH better. She's also better at thinking through in a battle, better at keeping calm, just plain fucking better! But she just gets shoved aside because she was born with the wrong freaking body organs. Kankurou didn't even want to take the exam. He didn't – He didn't – ugh! "It's never his fault, now is it?" Temari replies bitterly. "He's just the lucky little prince."
Baki looks down at her in slight frustration. "It does you no good to push away the only person who actually sees you for who you are."
"It does when he gets everything I deserve."
Baki's contempt would be noticeable from across the other side of the village. "I was wrong. You aren't ready."
Temari's head whips at her sensei so quickly her neck pains. "What?!" she seethes.
"Life is unfair. But you've yet to learn that just because you are better in certain aspects, doesn't mean you're a better person. A shinobi is no good if he or she is filled with anger at the world."
"Why shouldn't I be angry!" she exclaims.
"Because it poisons you. You're valor may not be recognized, but don't destroy the valor of others, it only dulls you. Work to make them see."
"What do you think I've been doing?!" she fumes. "I'm better than half those idiots they have enrolled in the Chuunin exams. I always have been."
"Hatred is an ugly thing, Temari. Let it go."
She scowls. "I have a reason to keep it."
"A poor one."
She doesn't reply.
"Do you honestly believe your brother shouldn't get this chance?"
"He's an idiot."
Baki shakes his head. "I'm sorry to find that you are one."
"He's not ready and you know it!"
"I think he needs to work on his attitude and lose his over-confidence, but he has more than enough talent and intelligence. His arrogance is his vice. That doesn't mean I don't believe he could not achieve Chuunin status. I just don't feel his ego needs this."
Temari bites her lip again, surprised to find that it hurts more than before. Fresh blood pours from the wound. She turns away from her sensei heading home. She sees him shake his head sadly as she walks off.
She yanks the door open more forcefully than necessary and slams it shut harder than she should. She storms into the kitchen out of pure habit. Around this time is when she cooks. She pulls out pots and pans at random, completely unaware of the obscene amount of ruckus she's making.
SLAM!
BAM!
CLANG!
CRASH!
Kankurou! Kankurou! It's always about him, isn't it? He's just so damned ass lucky. The first boy, and oh, such a good boy at that. He's a brilliant shinobi. A very promising puppeteer. She is embittered beyond compare. It was her fucking suggestion in the first damn place! He wouldn't even be a shinobi if it wasn't for her. He wouldn't be—ugh! She should be used to this. She should be used to being shoved aside for her gender. She should have expected this. And she definitely should have expected Kankurou getting 'nominated'. The idiot didn't even try! He trained nowhere near as hard as she did. He read nowhere near as much as she did. He listened nowhere near as much as she did. He ignored all suggestions, pissed of every person, and underestimated every opponent. She had saved his thoughtless ass more than five times. Even Gaara has saved his worthless body once! He was a lazy, good-for-nothing, trash-talking idiot! So he could handle a few damn puppets. SHE WAS TOUGHER! He didn't even think in missions, he just went with his gut. Sure, he could be a great shinobi, but he didn't fucking bother!
Temari was vaguely aware that Gaara had walked into the room and was staring at her in absolute in confusion. She was too furious to care.
"Tem?" Kankurou asks suddenly, his voice slightly amused.
"What?!" She seethes, whirling around to face him.
The slight grin drops from his face immediately and he backs away a bit. "Oy, what's up with you?"
"Leave. Me. Alone."
Kankurou frowns. "What the hell happened?"
Temari clenches her fist tightly. She tries to remind herself not to blow at him. Tries, because Baki says she shouldn't, but all she wants to do is tear him a new one. Right now, she absolutely hates her younger brother.
"Tem?" His voice is warmer, more worried.
"FUCK OFF."
Kankurou scowls. "Dammit! What the hell is your problem with me? What the fuck did I do?!"
Her lips purse and she can feel her blood boiling. "WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO?! WHAT THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU DONE TO ME!"
Kankurou's face is shocked. If she could think clearly, she would realize that this would be the first time she's ever raised her voice in such pure and honest resentment at her brother.
"EVERYTHING I TRY SO FUCKING HARD TO GET, EVERYONE JUST WANTS TO BLEEDING GIVE TO YOU! OH, YES, YOU ARE SO DAMN WORTHY OF EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER BEEN GIVEN. YOU'RE SO FUCKING PERFECT – SO DAMN ASS LUCKY! YOU DON'T TRY! YOU NEVER EVER TRY! YOU DO EVERYTHING HALF-ASSED AND IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME YOU'D PROBABLY BE SOME DUMB-ASS BAKER OR BEGGAR OR SOMETHING EQUALLY STUPID! IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME YOU'D BE DEAD! AND STILL – AND STILL I HAVE TO CRAWL THROUGH GLASS AND THEY LAY OUT THE DAMN CARPET FOR YOU! I HAVE TO NEARLY KILL MYSELF WITH EXHUASTION AND YOU JUST – JUST HAVE FUN! THEY SIGN YOU UP FOR THE DAMN EXAMS! FUCK! YOU SHOULDN'T BE A SHINOBI! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ONE! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU TO THE FUCKING CORE! I HATE YOU!"
Temari can feel her shoulders shaking, her pulse racing, her eyes whirling, her head ringing and her throat hoarse. It's still not enough. The bright red of her anger is still flowing inside her. It's still not enough. She is dumbly aware that Gaara actually seems to be in shock. She is dumbly aware that Kankurou looks wounded. He looks hurt – broken. But in her anger, she just wants to tear him to even bigger pieces. She wants him to scar.
"I'm sorry, Tem." His voice is soft and hurt. It's broken and it's truly apologetic.
Her desire to tear him apart fades, but the anger does not. She brushes past her brothers quickly, heading up to her room. She slams the door shut behind her and slides to the floor.
And she cries.
Temari doesn't remember the last time she cried. She's never wanted to cry, because she knows it weak, because she's been told it's a female trait. Because when she cries her chest heaves and her heart hurts. Which is stupid, because by all logic and scientific reason, her heart shouldn't hurt. And as she sits on the floor, water pouring from her eyes, horrible sobs and squeaks parting from her lips, her chest heaving and eyes stinging, she finds she's crying for nothing and for everything.
It just hurts.
After all this time, it still hurts; and the worst part of it is, every time she hurts she takes someone down with her.
She cries for this most of all.
Because somewhere deep down she's afraid she's the worst person in the world and an even more horrible sister.
xXxXx
She hears his footsteps and senses his chakra long before he even knocks upon her door. The knock is soft and tentative.
Temari is now sitting on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest looking out the window. She feels sorry. And terrible. And afraid that Kankurou will hate her for what she's said to him. "Come in."
He opens the door slowly and walks in calmly. He leaves the door open, as he tends to do whenever he enters any room. Sometimes Temari has wondered if he's afraid of closed spaces. "Hey, Tem."
She can't look him in the face so she stares resolutely at the floor.
Kankurou sits beside her on her bed. He's quiet.
"I'm sorry." Temari breathes quickly.
"Don't be. You're right."
Temari shakes her head. "I don't hate you."
Kankurou slides a scroll into her lap. She feels him stand. "I'm not taking the Chuunin exams. I'm not ready. Not in the least."
She looks up, feeling horribly guilty, "Look, don't do that just because—"
"I'm not refusing because you yelled at me. I'm refusing because behind your anger there was a very good point. I'm not ready. I know that, and Baki knows that."
"You could be Chuunin." She assures him weakly.
Kankurou smiles. "Damn, Tem, if you're gonna assure me of something you don't want me to get sound just a little bit believable will you?" He shakes his head in mock appall. Temari fidgets, but smiles a bit. He's right of course, she doesn't really want him to be Chuunin, but the way he says it is warm. He's forgiven her. He doesn't hate her. "Even if I could, which I doubt, I still wouldn't deserve it."
"Kank—"
"Save it." He smiles again. "I don't need you to go psycho on me again." He begins to exit the room quietly. "Oh, and Tem?"
"Hm?"
"I'm always going to forgive you; you know that right?"
"I do now."
With that he slips into the hallway and wanders off.
Temari picks up the scroll he'd slid into her lap. She unrolls it carefully and reads it. As soon as she's finished the scroll slides from her fingers and hits the floor. Her breath catches in her throat and she feels a bit dizzy. It's a letter, telling her she will be enrolled in the Chuunin exams if she desires. Temari looks at her hands to find them shaking.
How did he do it?
How did he…?
She jumps slightly as her eyes take in the form of Gaara standing in her doorway. Her heart panics a bit before calming slowly. He doesn't have his gourd with him and his eyes don't have that manic look he gets when he wants to kill someone.
"…"
Temari waits for him to say something, because it seems like there's something he wants to say.
"…He only does…as poor as he does…because…" Gaara says slowly, "…he…likes being around you…and doesn't want to be…want you to be…he's trying to stay with you. He doesn't try…until he knows you will be…accepted."
Temari takes a few minutes to process his words. She looks dumbly at the scroll on the floor. "Then why…?"
"You're…important to him. At least, that's what he…said to…it."
Gaara was the only one of them who didn't call the Kazekage 'Kazekage'. He called the Kazekage 'it'. It was an odd way of phrasing, but Temari had gotten used to it.
Important?
Important?
"Thank you for telling me that, Gaara."
The redhead boy just looks at her coldly. "If you yell like that again, I will kill you. It hurt my head."
Temari falters. "Ano…Sorry, I won't…sorry."
The redhead the promptly disappears.
Temari's fingers clasp around the scroll once more and she looks it over calmly.
Chuunin exams.
Temari stays up the entire night looking at the scroll and thinking over both of her brothers' words.
The next day Temari shakes her head and tells the Kazekage she doesn't wish to enter the exams this year. The Kazekage is shocked but plainly pleased. Temari bites her tongue, trying not to insult the man as he insults her.
"I should've known your insistence was just the nonsensical vehemence of a female." He clucks. "Such pitiful creatures."
Pitiful creatures. Temari inwardly growls. She closes her eyes and tries to calm herself. After all, killing the Kazekage would sentence her to death – the painful and public kind. After a bit of tuning out the jackass she felt Baki's fingers grip her shoulder and turn her around. Good, they were leaving.
Nothing was said between them until they exited the building, then Baki turns his head to look at her quizzically. "Why did you turn it down?"
Temari watches her feet as she walked, surprised to find she was actually interested in the imprints her feet made. "You were right. I need some attitude adjustments to make."
His lips quirk up. "While I don't doubt that one bit, getting you a second chance is incredibly hard, you realize? I can get Kankurou, even Gaara a chance ten times easier than it would be to get one for you. Normally, I do advise to refrain when an attitude problem is prominent but with you…"
Temari shrugs. "I'm willing to take that chance."
He smiles. "Why do I get the feeling that your personality has changed significantly since yesterday?"
"It's amazing what a rant, some tears, some words, and a threat can do to your outlook."
His lip twitches. "Will I hear this story?"
"Maybe someday when we're bored."
"What's the real reason?"
Temari looks up at her sensei. "I have a family. Proving myself isn't that important when I have a family. I'd rather keep them."
"I'm sure Gaara and Kankurou would—"
"You're part of my family too, Baki-sensei."
His lips twist into an 'o' and he looks a bit shocked, then slightly happy. It's barely visible, but its there.
"Besides, I already know I kick ass. The rest of the world can wait to see."
Baki chuckles lightly.
Temari listens to his laughter and thinks he's right. It is going to be really hard to get her a second shot. But it can be done. She knows deep in her heart that it can, and the time will come when she'll do it. But for now, it's okay.
She still thinks she isn't a very good sister.
After all, she's quite a bitch quite often.
But she can do what she can. And she is infinitely pleased to have Kankurou as her brother. He's more brilliant that she could ever imagine. And yes, there are times she hates him, and she doesn't think those times will ever really fade. There will be days when the loathing is so strong she may hurt him. All she can do is hope he really will forgive her every time, because even though she will hate him with all her might, that isn't the only thing she feels.
For all the hate, she will never be able to stop loving him.
It's hard not to love him.
A/N: I thought of this randomly cause I remembered in the anime there was this one bit where Kankurou said something to Temari along the lines of 'you really screwed up. You would've passed if you'd taken the exams earlier.' Obviously, Temari had to have had a chance before that one, right? So…um…tell me what you think. Reviews make me happy:D