Ch. 9: Differences and Strength

She's never really felt the same way about her youngest brother as she does for Kankurou. It's not something bad, she thinks, it's just different. It's probably the fact that she never could get close to him when they were younger that conspires this difference. It's probably the fear of the past that makes her feel differently toward her youngest brother.

She's never quite sure what to call it. This odd barrage of emotions she feels concerning the redhead. Temari knows it's neither good nor bad. It just is.

She feels guilty quite often. She always has, because of the way she's treated him in the past, the way she used to feel.

She feels quite different toward him now. It's hard not to.

He hasn't threatened to kill them in such a long time; so long that the days she couldn't go by without one threat seem more of a boorish nightmare than reality. That doesn't mean it didn't happen, Temari has more than enough scars – physical and emotional – to prove that it did. Strangely enough, Kankurou had the easiest time accepting Gaara's change. Temari has always felt slightly bitter that her younger brother, the sarcastic joking bully could accept the fact that Gaara was a different person more readily than she could.

Sure, she had always felt an odd bond and inkling of love toward the redheaded boy, but accepting his change was harder than she thought possible. It stood to reason he was a better person. He didn't threaten them any more, his eyes no longer held the familiar bloodlust, and she wasn't kept awake by screams inside the house anymore.

Temari had always found it disturbing that Gaara used to kill their servants.

Gaara was more caring over his teammates now; he took orders much better; and – and the boy actually seemed to be trying incredibly hard to get close to them. Despite all these signs, Temari had been unable to release her previous image of her demonic blood-crazed youngest brother. To be honest, Temari imagined that the reason she couldn't pry her fingers from that thought was because…she was more afraid of him changing than she was of him staying the same.

A monstrous Gaara, she understood; in a frightening way she understood that Gaara. But…this Gaara. It was odd and daunting. He was better, yes, but…she was scared of not measuring up. She was afraid that Gaara could change and be normal and LIVE normally, and that would leave her…out. She always felt she wasn't quite what a normal sister should be like. And even then she always felt she could never be quite what she was trying to be. She used to be able to say that she was doing quite well considering the obstacles she'd had to face, but Gaara had more obstacles than anyone else and if he could…if he could…

She was afraid of a lot of things.

She was afraid that this would change her perception of herself and afraid that her family – as dysfunctional as they were – would finally realize she served no other purpose than to keep Kankurou from sticking his foot in his mouth and getting them both killed by their younger brother.

What else had she done for them?

She was terrified her two younger brothers would turn their backs on her upon realizing she really didn't matter. There were times she hated her brothers, and then there were the times she loved them. Regardless how she felt about them, she knew that she needed them. And she was afraid they wouldn't need her anymore.

She still felt that fear now.

She still felt it gnawing at her insides, but she'd come to realize that she had to let it go. Gaara was changed. And he was better for it.

They were all better for it.

Fear or no fear.

She thinks that must be the biggest reason why she feels quite so different toward Gaara.

He's not the same.

When he was a demon, he was a brilliant one – all blood and gore and no sentiment at all. Now that he's (as Kankurou puts it) 'human', he's a brilliant human as well – he cares and tries, and held a very noble and prestigious dream. Gaara is extraordinary. Born into hardship and still almost perfect. He's always had extreme talent.

He even accomplished his dream – despite EVERYTHING.

It leaves her bitter with jealousy sometimes.

Not that she's ever told anyone this.

She makes her way carefully up the stairs, a tray of food in her hands. It's late, and Gaara had declined coming down to dinner. Even though she's jealous sometimes doesn't mean she's uncaring. Her littlest brother needs to eat. It's important. She stops before the door of his office. Shifting the tray in her hands so she can balance it neatly with just one hand, she uses the other to turn the knob, and she walks inside.

Temari's never bothered to knock in any of the doors in the house. Kankurou constantly berates her for it, and Gaara always calmly asks her to knock before entering every time. She's never yielded to either of their 'requests'. Why? She finds she can think of no particular reason. She just doesn't want to knock. Personal choice that really has no reason to it.

"Gaara? I brought you dinner." She says as she walks into the room shifting the tray once more. Chicken salad, crackers, and grape juice. Not much, she thinks looking at it, but she barely got home today. She didn't have time to make anything really…complex. He has no right to complain, He gave her the mission after all.

"Go away." Gaara rasps clearly.

His office is dark. Temari scowls irritably and places the tray onto his desk with a nice slam. She wants him to hear the offense she feels not only in her voice but in her actions as well. "You know, you are one rude, ungrateful, little brat." How does he even work in this room? It's so dark it's impossible to see anything! "I just came home from a damn exhausting mission you sent me on; I bring you dinner and you just order me to—"

"I'm sorry for being rude, Temari." Gaara says hoarsely. His voice is strained and he's standing by the window. "But please, leave."

She looks at him for the first time that day. The moonlight streaming in from the window lets her see him more or less. His back is to her and he's looking out the window, or so she thinks. One of his hands is pressing against the wall – he seems to be leaning on it. His entire body seems to be screaming in exhaustion and when she looks closely she can almost swear his hand is shaking. "Gaara—"

"I appreciate the sentiment. Now go to sleep. You're tired. I can hear it in your voice."

Her fingers slide against the wood of his desk. "You can't get rid of me that easily." She chastises him. "I can tell you're tired too. What is wrong with you?"

"Temari—"

"Gaara, I'm your older sister. You can't boss me around. Now, as I said before, what is wrong with you?" She walks over to him and stands to his left. She still can't see his face. The shadows of the room are hiding it.

He doesn't reply.

He still wants her to leave. She knows. But that doesn't mean she'll do what he wants. Can't spoil her younger brother now can she? Being Kazekage is spoils enough. She looks out the window, letting her eyes roam across the village below. "You know, I won't leave until you tell me."

"…I could lie to you."

The entire village is sleeping. It's an interesting sight. With the lights out and the moonlight bathing the houses and a few odd twinkling lights, you could almost swear this was a beautiful, sheltered, and loving place to grow up.

Hmph!

What a lie.

"You don't like liars, Gaara. You wouldn't lie, even if you really wanted me to go away."

He sighs softly. "Kankurou is easier."

"Probably why you love him more."

She's always thought this. Kankurou and Gaara have a bond she's not privy to. A bond that seems to run so deep and strong she knows she can't ever be part of it. She has a different relationship with her brothers. It's not worse or more strained, it's not better or happier, it just…It just is.

"I don't love him more than you, Temari."

"You do. You don't know it really. But you do."

It hurts her sometimes, but she's learned to live with it.

"It has nothing to do with amount. It's…just different." He explains in a strained voice.

There's that word: different. It's almost as if it's the only fitting word to describe their dysfunctional relations. They don't act normally, not that Temari thinks that's a bad thing. It's interesting. Probably the only sane route. The normal standards of the world are impossible for their family to achieve. And the normal standards of Suna aren't preferable to anything. Different. Different was different and it seemed the only logical explanation, but very few people could accept that reason. Temari didn't know if she accepted Gaara's reason. Did he love her the same? Was it merely different and nothing to do with subjective amounts? She didn't think so. But then, 'different' was a hard concept to grasp unless you yourself put it forward. "You still haven't told me what's wrong." She points out softly. The night, she finds, makes her voice softer and in Kankurou's view, less bitchy. He'd told her once her voice almost sounded feminine and caring at night. Hmph! She always cared. Just…differently. But then, Kankurou and Gaara both knew that quite well. It was the games they'd play.

"I don't…" He stops. "Why do you care?"

"Mm…Lots of reasons." Because you're my younger brother. Because I want to make up for all the caring I wasn't able to do when I was young and fearful. Because I'm worried about you. Because it's my duty. Because there's lots of stupid reasons I don't understand but keep me worried. She wasn't sure to be honest which reason would be best. Which reason out of the million she had that would actually make sense to him. "Mostly, because I love you."

"Love is—"

"Love makes you do stupid things. And not all love is bad. Some love endures through ash and fire."

"Hn."

"I do love you, Gaara. Will you tell me what's up?"

Gaara's shoulders tense.

"Gaara?" Temari asks in fear. Not fear of him, like before. Fear for him.

"Temari, look at the moon."

She complies. She's never liked the moon. Even though its beauty is spectacular, she's never liked the moon.

Its round and full and shining down…

It's full…

The reason she's never liked the moon is because before Gaara had always become more volatile during full moons; the Shukaku winning over what little humanity he held. It was different now…Or so she thought. "Gaara, is…Is Shukaku…?"

"He wants blood, Temari."

She probably should be afraid. Just a little. Of the Shukaku. Of a possible transformation. But she's just worried – worried for Gaara. Worried for his health. The problem is that there's no pill or food or drink she can make to push the demon back down inside.

"He wants yours right now."

He probably hopes that telling her this will make her retire. Instead her hand edges to Gaara's shaking one and closes around it. She squeezes it. "You're stronger than it is."

"It…It's hard." He says, almost whispers.

"Gaara, look at me."

"I don't – I don't want to, Temari."

"You won't lose control."

"You don't know that."

He's right. She doesn't know that. She just…has an inkling. She has faith. She has…all those stupid meaningless things that parents were supposed to give their children. Things neither her, nor Kankurou, nor Gaara ever received from any adult. "Please. Just look at me."

Tentatively, he raises his head. His eyes flash furiously. They're green and then they're gold and then green again. He's fighting inside with it.

She looks at him, and finds it odd to discover she finds no fear within her. No fear at all. Because even though she can see Shukaku's eyes flash inside her brother, she doesn't believe in the demon. She doesn't care for the demon. Because this person before her is simply Gaara. "You're strong, and you've done lots of things to be proud of. The Shukaku is nothing." She wraps her arms around his shoulders and squeezes him tight. "You are not that demon."

Gaara stands rigidly at first, then leans into her hug. She can feel him shaking and fighting the demon. She can tell it's hard for him. But he'll win. He always does.

At some point they both slide down to sit on the floor leaning against the wall, but Temari never lets go of her youngest brother. Her arms wrapped around the red head, he leans into her. She can feel his uneven breath on her skin and furious grumbles that slip from his lips here and there. He's fighting it.

Temari is tired and her eyelids are heavy. She feels bruised and sore and wants nothing more than to lie in her bed to rest. But she doesn't. She stays up all night listening to her brother fight his very real, very solid demon. She holds him tightly and says nothing, but is there for him.

The food is forgotten.

Later when the sun rises, Gaara stirs inside her embrace. He looks at her with compassionate eyes. "Temari—"

"Oh, is it morning, already?" She stretches slightly and stands, even though her knees feel wobbly and she's afraid she might just fall right to the floor if she tries to walk.

"I…Thank you, Temari. I—"

She interrupts him promptly. "No need. You're my brother." She takes a step slowly, testing out her bones and muscles. She isn't very graceful when she's feeling perfectly fine, let alone when she feels dizzy and exhausted like this.

Don't fall. Don't fall. She prays silently.

Yes!

"So, ano," she begins as she picks up the tray from the desk, "what do you want for breakfast? Since you clearly neglected to eat dinner."

"Temari, go to sleep."

"You need to—"

"I'm not asking you to. I'm giving you an order."

Temari raised an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah? Well, since when have I ever bothered to listen to the 'orders' you and Kankurou try to give me?"

Gaara's eyes were cold and authoritative. "Since I threatened to restrict your missions to D rank if you did not."

"When did you—" She narrowed her eyes. "That's abusing your power."

"Yes, well, Kankurou is a negative influence. Now, go to sleep. I don't care if you're my sister and one of the best shinobi we have. I will follow through on my threat. I KNOW you don't want to be restricted to D ranks."

"What will you and Kankurou eat, then?"

"We'll figure that out."

"Will you burn down the kitchen?" She pauses. "Or any other part of the house?"

"We'll eat out."

She purses her lips. "Fine." She gives him the tray and turns on her heel. Her brother may be a talented one, and he may be able to overcome all the oppression, and meet every role with excellence, but he's human like she and Kankurou. He's normal and has a tough time with things like the rest of them.

And it's just that very thing, which makes him so much more spectacular than she'd previously thought.

"You know, Gaara," she says as she leaves his office, lingering by the doorway. She's looking ahead, not at him. "You're something special."

"…" She's almost out of the hallway, but she can hear him. "You're better."

She smiles. Not because she's thinks he's right, but because it's nice to hear things like that. She's normal. And the problem with being normal, is normal people always wish they could be better than they are.

Yes, she incredibly jealous of her youngest brother.

And yes, the way she feels toward him isn't the same as anything else.

And yes, she doesn't quite feel like she fits with him and Kankurou the same way as they do eachother.

They are different and they are separate. Each of them aren't quite like they should be: together and apart.

It's not bad.

And it's not good.

It's just…

Different.

It just is.

A/N: This was around the third chapter of this story I wrote. I started writing them as just stories of them when they grew up, then I changed my mind... I'm just very contradictary. One of the first ones, which was inspired to me because of one of Yumi-maki's (at least I THINK it was yumi-maki, if it was somebody else, well I'm very sorry, I like giving credit where it's due) stories. I really wish I could remember the name of it so I could urge you guys to go read it. It really was good... Curse my bad memory.

I should just erase this author's note...Nah.

I don't think this one's as good as the earlier ones. Am I right or I have I just reread it so much that it's starting to get to me?