Girl Meets Senseless

Authors note: To anyone upset by Maya's comments regarding mental health, etc., be aware that there always has to be –someone- in the story who says the wrong thing to get the conversation started. The writers of GMW use Maya, and the other characters, a lot for that, a great example being her attitude in the STEM episode we all probably just saw. And I'm continuing their tradition. Reviews are very welcome; if you create an account and post a non-guest review, I'll usually even reply.

Author's second note. The emotions behind this story are based off of a friend that I lost to suicide and/or a terrible accident several years ago. Ultimately we will never know what exactly happened. His death makes no sense whatsoever and this is dedicated to him.

Maya continued to stare in disbelief at Mr. Matthews. That kid couldn't be dead. She hadn't even seen him. Then her own words came back to haunt her.

"Farkle, I'm so sorry about saying the kill yourself thing. I… I wasn't thinking. Which probably doesn't surprise anyone in this room. But I feel guilty and it was a stupid joke and I'm sorry."

Farkle leaned over and squeezed her on the shoulder. "I know. We all say things we don't mean."

Mr. Matthews spoke. "Farkle is right. We know you didn't mean anything Maya. We do need to think about what we're saying but certain phrases like 'this is driving me nuts' and 'I will kill myself if I don't get that new phone' have crept into our language. Even with the heightened awareness that mental illness and depression get today, those habits take a long time to change. Maya, it's OK to be sad about Sam. But you don't need to feel guilty about what happened. I wish we'd gotten a better chance to know him. I wish he'd given us a chance. I barely got to speak to him but I feel the same guilt that you do, Maya. He was my student. And whether you're my student for 5 minutes to 10 years, I will always feel responsible for you." Mr. Matthews had to take a minute to breathe before he could continue. "If any of you EVER have any thoughts along these lines, please tell me or an adult in your life. And if you can't manage to tell us, tell a friend and let them tell us. Call a hotline if it's easier to talk to a stranger. But, please, speak." After another moment of silence, Mr. Matthews went on. "Like I said, there are counselors available if any of you want to talk privately. Go home and talk to your parents or a loved one. This is going to impact each of you differently. Some of you not very much, some of you a lot. But if you want to talk with me – well, the milkshakes at Topanga's are on me tonight."

The remainder of the abbreviated school day went by in a wave of numbness. A number of students came over that afternoon to talk to Mr. Matthews over at Topanga's. Surprisingly, neither Riley, Lucas, Farkle, nor Maya had made an appearance.

Katy collected up the last few empty milkshake glasses sitting on the tables. Katy looked over at Cory. "Could you maybe warn me next time before offering free milkshakes to your entire class?"

"Sorry. I… Well, I knew a lot of them needed to talk and I figured a bit of a bribe was the best way to get them started. You must be exhausted."

"No." said Katy. "I didn't mind the work. Every kid that left here with a more peaceful look on his face was worth every bit of effort. I just wish I'd had a chance to stock up on ice cream. The last few kids got some weird flavor combos as I used up what was left. Not that it really mattered; I'm not sure that any of the kids really tasted them."

Lucas walked in and looked around. When he saw that it was just him and the adults, he turned to leave. Mr. Matthews spoke. "Come on over and sit down Lucas."

Lucas hesitantly sat and Katy came over to take his order. "I'm just about out of ice cream for shakes. I have one scoop of strawberry passion fruit and one of mint chocolate chip. I'm not sure how they'll taste together but I'll give them a whirl if you like."

"That's OK ma'am. I'm not really hungry." He said.

"All right. Let me know if you want anything." Katy said and then left them alone.

"I wasn't sure if I'd see you here, Lucas. You didn't actually get to meet Sam. How are you feeling?" Mr. Matthews said.

"Guilty, sir." Lucas said.

"You don't have to bother with the 'sir' Lucas. Why do you feel guilty?" Mr. Matthews asked.

"I… I feel like I could have done something. Like I could have helped." Lucas said quietly.

"I understand part of how you feel Lucas. It's sometimes called survivor's guilt. You can feel bad because someone else is gone instead of you. But Lucas, you weren't there. You didn't even see him. I think you can try to let this one go."

"But you don't understand. I did see him. And I didn't do anything."

"What are you talking about? You were at the dentist."

"I know. When I went to check out from school to leave, I saw Sam sitting in the office. He looked pretty upset. I didn't know who he was yet; I didn't know he would be in our class. In fact, I only found out it was him a little while ago when they showed his face on the news and I remembered seeing him. But I did see him. And instead of offering to help, I just signed out and headed off to the dentist. I didn't even think about sitting down next to him and saying hello. Or offering to talk. Or… anything. Mr. Matthews, I saw another person in pain and I didn't do a thing. Normally nothing would keep me from taking that time to help but yesterday, I just left. I guess just assumed there was someone else in the office who would help him but that's not how I was raised. I should have taken the time to try to help. It's my fault he killed himself."

"There is more going on here then I am allowed to tell you. So I'm going to have to ask you to take a few things on faith from me. Can you do that?" Lucas nodded hesitantly and Mr. Matthews went on. "Good. Lucas? It is not your fault that Sam did this thing. He would not have talked to you no matter how much you had tried. I don't think he would have talked to anyone. And while I'm glad that you feel a responsibility to your fellow man, you were correct that there were other people there trying to help him. People with training in helping in these situations. You weren't wrong about that so you don't have to blame yourself. I was going to be part of trying to help Sam. I was even going to introduce him to all of you when he was ready. But I'm sorry Lucas. This isn't your fault and it isn't my fault. Sam didn't give us a chance to help."

"Do you believe all of that? Really believe it?" Lucas asked.

"I do. I desperately wish there had been something I could have done. Part of me will always feel guilty for not somehow coming up with an idea. We entered Sam's life briefly at the end of a very long journey."

Riley stepped inside the door. She'd obviously been listening to most of the conversation. She walked up and gave first her father and then Lucas hugs. Then she sat down next to them. She took a deep breath and then looked her father in the eyes.

"My feelings are kind of the opposite of Lucas's." Riley started. "He didn't do anything, and that's what you told me to do. Nothing. Except I didn't listen. You asked me to spare him the big fancy Riley welcome."

"And?" Lucas asked.

With a look of hopelessness in her eyes, Riley finished. "After class, Maya had to use the restroom and I spotted Sam in the hall. And I thought you were wrong to have me leave him alone. It was unthinkable. So, I welcomed him. I danced. I bounced. I said hello in 10 different languages. I took his hand and shook it even though he didn't want me to. And when I finished, he ran." Riley looked at her father. "Did I make him do it? Is it my fault?" Tears slowly trickled down her face but she didn't look away. "Daddy?"

Mr. Matthews stood up and took his daughter in his arms.