Girl Meets Senseless

Authors note: Reviews are very welcome; if you create an account and post a non-guest review, I'll usually even reply. This is deep. And dark. This has been a tough story. Maya's role in all of this has changed four times.

Author's second note. The emotions behind this story are based off of a friend that I lost to suicide and/or a terrible accident several years ago. Ultimately we will never know what exactly happened. His death makes no sense whatsoever and this is dedicated to him.

Riley looked up into her father's face again. He hadn't answered her question and so she asked him again. "I didn't listen to you when you said to leave him alone. Is this my fault? Did I push him too…" she broke off unable to say anymore.

Mr. Matthews sighed. "While part of me wishes you had listened to me, I still can definitely say that, no, this was NOT your fault. The choices Sam made weren't influenced by what you did. At least not negatively. Honestly, your idea might have been better than mine. Maybe if I had pushed him harder to say hello to you all it would have gotten his attention. Maybe it would have made him think about everything just a little bit longer before he made such a terrible choice. Maybe he would have accepted the fact that he had more options in life. Honey, I don't know. We can't go back and change anything that happened. I did what I thought was the right thing. So did you. So did the school administration. So did his parents. We all thought we knew what we were dealing with. And we were all wrong."

"Was he being bullied? Or was he depressed?" Riley asked.

"That's what they thought it was. This wasn't the first time he had tried to do this and everyone hoped that moving him to a new environment would help bring him peace. And while I can't say any more about what exactly happened, I can say that they were wrong. There wasn't a bully, and as best we can tell now, any depression he suffered from wasn't the cause of his death." He gave Riley another hug and then released her. "Lucas? Could you take Riley home for me? Make sure she gets there safe?" Lucas nodded and Mr. Matthews turned back to Riley. "And can you watch Auggie for a while? I think I need to talk to someone now and, well, your mom has always been the best one for that sort of thing. Well, her or Feeney, but I think this time I need your Mom."

Riley wiped away her tears and walked over to Lucas. He put his arm around her comfortingly and the two of them turned to go. Riley stopped them at the door for a minute and turned back. "Dad? Just so you know, no matter how upset I was, I'd never…. I wouldn't…."

"I know honey. But it's still nice to hear." Mr. Matthews said. Then Riley and Lucas walked out the door. A few minutes later Katy came out from the back.

"Do you mind if I close up? I'm beat." Katy asked.

"No problem. Go ahead and go. Topanga's on her way and we'll finish up here." Cory replied.

After Katy left, Cory put a few more things away and then began to pace. The emotions on his face slowly changed from despair to anger. He picked up an empty milkshake glass and hefted it. Then he put his arm back to throw.

Topanga's voice interrupted him. "Please don't." she said calmly. "Those things are kind of expensive."

Cory turned to look at her. "Sorry." He said, setting the milkshake glass back down.

Topanga walked over and put her arms around him. "You're about at your limit, aren't you?" she asked.

Cory hugged her back. "I am. I did what I needed to do. I helped the kids to understand what happened as best they could. I sat here and drank milkshakes until I was about to burst. I helped Lucas understand that he shouldn't feel guilty for not reaching out to a stranger. I helped our own daughter accept that talking to Sam wasn't the reason he died. And now I need to feel the way that I feel."

"And that is?" Topanga asked.

"Angry. Absolutely furious. So mad I don't even know how to stand still right now."

"Cory, I know that anger is a normal part of the grieving process but this seems like more than that. What aren't you telling me?"

"I'm not supposed to…" Cory began.

Topanga interrupted him quickly. "I know. And that works for the kids. Not for me. Call it spousal privilege, call it attorney – client privilege, call it whatever you need to. But you need to talk to someone if you're going to be any good for those kids. I just heard that there's going to be a memorial service tomorrow. You're going to have to make it through that."

"But… what happened is just so… stupid. Pointless… senseless…"

"What happened?" Topanga pushed.

"It wasn't what everyone expects in these situation. No depression or anything like that. He had everyone from parents to counselors convinced that was why he was so withdrawn. But that wasn't it at all. First of all, he didn't mean to die."

"So it was a cry for help that got out of control? "Topanga asked.

"Not exactly. It was closer to being an accident."

"Then why are they calling it a suicide?"

"Because he caused his own death. He hung himself. He just didn't mean for it to work. The rope was supposed to break and release him. But it didn't. His parents found some journals he'd been keeping. Records, really. He'd apparently been doing this for months."

"Doing what?"

"Trying to figure out death."

"Why?" Topanga demanded. "Why on earth would he do that?"

"I don't know. No one really does. But it's what he was doing. Their best guess is that he didn't truly understand it and he was fascinated by the idea of coming close to it."

Topanga thought a minute. "Like an adrenaline junkie? Like an extreme skier who skis down avalanches?"

"No. Even that would make sense. Stupid sense, but sense. This… This makes none. Doctors saw him. Counselors talked to him. Teachers tried to work with him. But nobody reached him because no one could even imagine this is what he was doing. Nobody thought he was a danger to himself because he'd kept it such a secret. They thought that if we were just patient he would finally tell us what was wrong. I even thought that being in my class would let him find a way out of whatever he was going through. I was wrong. We were all wrong. We failed him."

"You did your best. Everyone did their best. It just wasn't enough." said Topanga.

"But..." Cory started to say.

"And tomorrow, you are going to go back to school and you are going to do your best for those kids again. And I'll do the best for my clients. And Riley will do the best for her friends. That's all any of us can do. You know that. And maybe all of us will, together, do just a little bit better next time." Cory couldn't look at her. "It isn't a lot, but it's all we have."

Finally Cory nodded.

Topanga took his hand. "Let's go home. And spend the next few hours hugging those kids of ours. Then you need some rest. I think tomorrow's going to be a tougher day than today." They shut off the lights and headed out the back door.

Maya was standing on the corner holding a crumpled drawing in her hands. It was the one that she'd been working on the orange colored pencil when Sam had been introduced. She didn't' remember him coming in; she only knew it. She reached the front door of the bakery just as the lights shut off. She peered inside but didn't see anyone. Something had been bothering her all afternoon and she wasn't sure what it was. Mr. Matthews could usually help but she'd been a little afraid to face him and her mother at the same time. She hadn't headed over to the bakery until her mom had texted and said she was on her way home. Maya peered inside again. Nobody home. She looked back down at the drawing again, subconsciously smoothing it out with her fingers. Then she put it carefully in her book bag and headed off down the street.