Author's note: Many thanks to Alexanna, a wonderful girl who helps me to shape my stories and turns 13 today. Happy, happy, happy birthday!
Maya walked down the street alone. It was getting dark but she really didn't care. The drawing she'd finished the day that Sam had joined her class was like a lead weight in her bag. Her art meant a lot to her. Apparently so much that she hadn't even seen Sam enter the room. She couldn't believe how self-absorbed she'd been. Why hadn't she just looked up? She wouldn't feel so guilty if she'd at least seen him. She didn't even understand why she felt this way. He was dead. And that was a terrible shame. But she didn't know him at all. It shouldn't be affecting her so much. It should be like when you hear about someone killing themselves on the news. Sort of a feeling of sadness and 'why didn't someone do something'. But for reasons she didn't even understand, she just hurt for him.
She'd sat with her friends and listened to them before they went to see Mr. Matthews. Riley had told her she'd tried to talk to Sam but he'd run. She felt guilty because she might have pushed Sam over the edge. Maya didn't think that was likely. Riley's welcomes were legendary and spectacular. But Maya couldn't imagine that much joy pushing someone over the edge. It seemed unlikely that anyone would let that much happiness push them to such despair. And even if it had contributed to, well, what happened… Riley's intentions had been the best and that always counted for something.
Lucas's situation was different. He was upset because he'd seen Sam in the office and hadn't done anything to cheer him up. His guilt was misplaced but at least it made sense. He had an opportunity to do something and hadn't. Now, it really wasn't his responsibility to walk up to an upset student in the office and try to take care of them. In fact, the secretary probably would have chased him off if he'd tried. But Lucas considered taking care of people just as important as Riley did. It was noble. It was one of the things she loved about him. Loved…. That was such a scary word to use when anyone was involved. Especially when it was a boy. But it fit so she'd had to accept it.
Maya had heard that there was going to be a memorial at school tomorrow for Sam. People would probably bring flowers and candles. That sort of thing. It always seemed kind of sappy to her. I mean, the person was gone. They weren't there to see all that stuff. And no one in the school had known him so it seemed even sillier. That said, she'd decided that she was going to bring her drawing and put it with all of the offerings. Well, offering wasn't the right word but it was all that that she could think of to describe those memorials. She loved what she'd managed to achieve in that picture and would have preferred to keep it for her portfolio. But, given that she'd finished it while Sam was standing there silent in the classroom, unseen by her, she would always associate it with him. Her love of it would somehow be tainted by the reminder that she hadn't even looked up. It was probably better to leave it at the memorial tomorrow and let it go. Maybe next time she wouldn't let herself get quite so absorbed in her work. It didn't do to ignore the world that you were trying to immortalize in your art.
Actually, it probably wouldn't have made her portfolio anyway. She'd also been considered giving it to this new boy who had moved into her building. She'd talked to him a few times but hadn't managed to get his name. He was quiet. Now he wasn't cute or anything. Usually he had been drawing when she'd run into him and barely looked up at her presence. His work was so different from hers. He seemed to work only with black; mainly charcoal. And the images were dark. Gates to the underworld and hulking, powerful figures. But he was so passionate about it that the subject matter wasn't important. Maya thought it would be interesting to have a friend who understood how she felt about art. Maybe this unknown boy could be that person. She figured that giving him a picture might start a longer conversation. She also figured he could use some more friends and she had the best in the world. She'd have been happy to share them with him.
She'd hadn't mentioned him to her friends because Farkle would tease her, Riley would pout for a little while because Maya was interested in having more friends, and Lucas would get jealous. He would pretend he wasn't, but he'd still would be. In a way, she liked the attention. She loved her friends. She loved how they supported her; especially how they helped when the school district had tried to cut funding for the arts. And even now, she wasn't sure how to deal with the way that art was important to Lucas because it was important to her. That was a strange level of commitment. It gave her butterflies in her stomach that no amount of 'Hurrr hurrr' could dispel. But art still wasn't important to Lucas the way it was to another artist.
Oh well. She supposed that if the new boy stuck around, she could make something else for him. Or maybe at least manage to pin him down enough to say 'hello'. She'd tried to find him last night since the picture was finally finished but he'd been nowhere to be found. And then there had been police in her building again and an ambulance… Another one of her old neighbors had probably croaked again. Her rent controlled apartment building had a lot of really old people living there. She liked trying to cheer them up when she found them outside their rooms. Which wasn't very often for some of them. Poor things. Too bad someone didn't put a memorial together for them. Maybe when she found out who it was she could do that.
Maya finally turned her steps toward home. She had some homework to finish and due to Topanga's rules about her mom not working so much overtime, Maya actually had help with her homework some nights. Not that it was always good help; her mom hadn't been that much of a student. But it was a nice reminder that she wasn't alone in the world and she'd started to treasure that time with her mom.
The next morning Maya met Riley for their traditional breakfast and trip to school. Mr. Matthews looked better than he had yesterday and Maya was again reminded that she had arrived too late to talk to him yesterday. She knew he didn't have time this morning but she hoped that he could listen to her after school. She didn't know why she needed to talk about things but she had finally accepted the fact that she needed it.
Riley had a sign she'd made to take in. It said 'We may not have known you but we still loved you." It was a nice phrase and it was also covered in glitter and pipe cleaners. She helped Riley manhandle it through the subway and the few extra blocks to school. Things had been crowded and they hadn't lost too many pipe cleaners by the time they got there. But Maya's pants were coated in glitter. Oh well. She'd seen Lucas checking her out in her actual glitter jeans once or twice. Maybe she could catch him this time and call him 'Butt scout'. It wasn't her best nickname but it should make him blush. That boy blushing also gave her butterflies.
She was so obsessed with those thoughts that she almost walked right past the memorial in the hallway. Riley pulled her to a stop and, as soon as she saw it, she froze.
"Maya? Could you hand me the sign? I want to put it right over here." Riley asked. Maya still didn't move. She just stood there in shock. "Maya? The sign please?" Riley asked again. Riley looked at her friend. She'd never seen her this way before. Maya, who could usually roll with every punch in the book was somehow stopped by the display. "What is it?" She asked Maya. Still nothing. Riley turned to look at the display. There wasn't anything she hadn't expected. A picture of Sam. Teddy bears. A few candles; electric ones since there were inside the school. Riley couldn't see any special reason for Maya to be upset. She looked back to Maya. Her eyes had become cloudy and tears were welling in the corners of her eyes. There was also recognition in those eyes. And anger. And betrayal. She reached inside her school bag and pulled out a picture that she'd obviously drawn. Riley saw a hint of orange on it but that was all.
Her dad was coming down the hallway about the same time and stopped next to Riley. "Is Maya OK?" he asked Riley quietly. Riley looked at Maya again. The anger was still there but now tears coursed down her face.
Lucas walked up about the same time with Farkle. "What's going on?" he asked.
Riley shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. We just got here a few minutes ago and…"
Riley never got to finish that sentence. She was interrupted by a ripping sound. Maya had reduced her picture to first two pieces, then four, then eight. One by one she was flipping each piece at the picture.
"You stupid…" And then Maya used a number of words that Riley had only heard on the subway. And didn't have a clue what they meant. After a moment the harsh words had evolved into screaming. Lucas and Mr. Matthews grabbed onto Maya and pulled her over and into their classroom.
"Maya!" said Mr. Matthews. "What on earth is wrong with you?"
Riley chimed in. "Why did you tear up your picture?"
"Yeah." Said Lucas. "I understand being upset but you didn't even know Sam."
Maya used the back of her hand to wipe the tears away. "Didn't know him? Of course I knew him. He lives…." She took a deep breath and then corrected himself. "He lived in my building. I was trying to get to know him and that that picture was supposed to be for him. How dare he…" and Maya's language again degenerated into the inappropriate.