Hijikata was not having a great day.
First off, he was woken up in the middle of the night again by the unsettling murmurs of 'Die Hijikata' right outside his bedroom. He'll never get used to Sougo's ill-timed "jogging" rituals and somewhere not-too-deep inside him he knows that Sougo isn't hoping he would any time soon.
After a horrible sleep plagued with dreams of being surrounded by mayonnaise, which eventually became nightmares once he realised that he was actually being drowned in the golden goodness (of course, Sougo was there pushing him under more layers of mayonnaise whenever he managed to reach the surface for air) Hijikata waked up to the sound of a bazooka being randomly fired off.
His body jerked awake as he reached for his katana and scanned the room for a lurking mop of flaxen hair. He only allowed himself to relax, albeit barely, a few seconds after registering that his self-proclaimed murderer was not present.
He made the mistake of letting his guard down way too soon however, because when he took a swig from the mayonnaise bottle he places by his pillow every night, he ended up spending an extra hour in the bathroom.
That piece of shit must've put laxatives in his mayonnaise again.
After his ass finally managed to part from the toilet bowl for longer than fifteen minutes, his crappy morning took a turn for the worse when informed of an emergency situation at Saikai park. So as he drove over to the place in his police car, the vice commander questioned how it was that Sougo had not already taken care of whatever issue was evident at his favoured slacking spot.
Even though the troublemakers were of the Yato, they barely posed as a threat for Shinsengumi's strongest.
But then when Hijikata arrived an hour after he left the station (don't blame him! Blame the crazy traffic...and the buy 1 get 1 free Mayonnaise sale) he couldn't help but release another frustrated groan. So this was why Sougo hadn't dealt with the issue immediately.
The little brat had hormones after all.
Why of all times did they have to show up now?
After breaking up their hanky-panky session - and receiving a few death threats in the process - he drove the hormonal, overly-strong teenagers to the station, eager to pass these two to someone else or have them commit seppuku.
Unfortunately, neither of these things happened.
Which brings us to his current predicament. Instead of watching his 4 o'clock program, Hijikata is stuck babysitting this redheaded monster in a room that smells somewhat like expired milk. The only thing distracting him from the stench in the interrogation room is the silvery feminine voice overriding his sense of hearing.
"Did you know that addictions to smoking and mayonnaise are signs of constipation?"
Screw it.
"Oii Yamazaki! Cover for me while I get Sougo!"
The eavesdropping officers on the other side of the thin wall are met with silence the moment the captain of the first division enters the interrogation room. In a desperate attempt to quell their curiosity, they press their ears harder upon the wall but manage to gather nothing more than a few murmurs.
You can't really blame them for being so nosy; it isn't everyday that they'd land a Yato (a female one at that) in their station, especially one that made little to no fuss once she was captured.
Just what are those gangsters planning?
("You are such a...sadist!")
Their ears peak at the mention of the word. There's no doubt now that their Okita-san isn't showing any mercy towards their prisoner, despite her being a woman. The officers look at each other and barely conceal their gleeful giggles at the perverted ideas of what was going on in the room.
Unfortunately all good things come to an end.
"Yamazaki, what are you and the others doing here? Found a better hobby than badminton?"
The Vice Commander's husky monotone make its way to their ears; their shoulders stiffen in unconcealed fear at the sound. Slowly, the officers turn around from their positions on the wall to look at their unamused superior, awaiting the reprimanding they would soon receive with dread.
Hijikata stands in front of the row of guilty officers, with his hands in his pockets and a dubious look on his face.
Yamazaki, who lead the group of eavesdroppers from the moment he left the interrogation room (what could he say? He desperately wants to be around to witness his taichou punish the prisoner, especially after all the verbal abuse she gave him.) quickly composes himself and attempts to casually gesture to the vacant spot beside him by the wall in some form of an invitation.
"Hijikata-san, we were just ensuring that Okita-taichou had everything under control." All the officers secretly cross their fingers behind their back with the hopes that their fukuchou would buy their lie.
Apparently luck isn't on their side today.
"Don't waste your time..."
Hijikata narrows his eyebrows with a skeptical expression marring his features. He walks towards the spy, taking agonizingly slow steps as he pulls his hands out of his pockets, watching the fear grow in his subordinates' guarded expressions.
The anpan-lover gulps. He's in for it, there's no mistaking it this time. All those times he was threatened with having to commit seppuku, and now their vice will do it for him. As the Vice Commander approaches him with a less-than-friendly look on his face, Yamazaki takes the time to reflect on all the things he wishes he'd done while he was alive (seeing as there's no way he can survive this) and still able to.
'I wish I opened up that anpan bakery I was always dreaming about...'
Hijikata is less than a meter away.
'...or maybe joined the national badminton tournament...'
Yamazaki steps forward with his head bowed down in shame, the other officers follow suit. Of course their vice is smart enough to see through his lie. The sad truth is, they all could sense the sexual tension rolling off of their younger taichou and this delinquent from the moment those two set foot in the station together and - being the nasty little perverts they are - just wanted to see (or in this case hear) some juicy action.
They're men for goodness sake!
Out of the corner of his eye, Yamazaki sees his superior raise his hand before he squeezes his eyes shut.
'...maybe I should have told Tama-'
"Those kids don't know the meaning of control."
His eyes shoot open and he turns around to find their fukuchou cupping his ear to the wall in a vain attempt to listen in himself.
'...NANI?!'
Was that a tinge of red on Hijikata-san's cheeks?
But before he has time to observe further, that particular section of the wall Hijikata was leaning on suddenly crumbles and collapses on the man, leaving a gaping hole in the wall and an unconscious vice commander.
"FUKUCHOUUUUU!"