My heart is supposed to flutter and my knees go weak at the thought of a man's ardor. But is not men that fill me with desire. No, it is the long, smooth limbs and the soft skin of women that excite me. Wrong, sinful my brain screams. I smile at Ithal, giggle. He smiles in return and comes up to kiss me gently, whispering softly in my ear. Pippa's face swarms behind my closed lids, laughing, beckoning me forward. I fight against the image, making it disappear.
That's what I'm doing here in these chilly woods, risking expulsion to carouse drunkenly with an ill bred Gypsy. I am trying to forget the feelings, make them disappear. I seek to bind them tightly as I am bound. Half the time it fails and I am still left with an empty ache and a need for love so great I feel as it will never get filled.
So, I lay there silently, my lips pressed harshly together as he whispers love words in my ear, glancing at the half drunken bottle of whiskey on the ground and feeling a stone press sharply into my back. I make myself feel what I am supposed to, what they all say I should. Empty. That's all I am, a shell. Pippa's face dances before me again and I give up fighting. I push Ital off me . "No more Ithal!" I snap. I rise and arrange my skirts delicately, marching into the dark woods, never looking back.