Kylo Ren was walking alone among the shore at dawn, brooding.
He hadn't been given to brooding lately, but today he felt lost in memory and it suited him. He was feeling agitated, unsure of himself after his encounter with Rey yesterday. Who is she to smile at me, he thought moodily. But the memory of it still warmed a part of him that wasn't Kylo Ren. That had never been Kylo Ren.
He knew the galaxy thought he was Snoke's creature, but he wasn't, not fully. Oh, it wasn't for lack of trying. He had flung himself at the dark side desperately over the past decade, trying and failing to extinguish the light inside of him. He had succeeded partially. He was no Jedi, but neither was he Sith. In the middle he hung, painfully suspended, driven to darker and darker deeds as he attempted to finalize his transformation. It had maddened the Supreme Leader that his apprentice was unable to achieve mastery, and Snoke had been convinced that cutting down Han Solo would be the final step that Ren needed to take.
Ren had wanted to believe it. He had tried to believe it, and so he had done the task, hoping that with the murder of his father the struggle would go out of him and he would be fully Sith. But as his father dropped over the edge he felt only weakened, and he knew, as he had always suspected, that he had cemented his fate long ago.
He remembered when she had first arrived at the Jedi training academy. He had never seen Master Luke falter in his focus, but for the three-year old toddler he was willing to drop almost anything to perform a trick to delight her. He knew that there had been tremendous arguments against bringing the girl there, but in the end Luke had won out, arguing that there was no safer place for her to be.
She had changed the place. Her laughter and antics softened Master Luke, and that in turn allowed all the young Jedi students to relax a bit. The First Order had been harassing some of the planets in the Outer Rim and regularly interrupting trade routes, so everyone was on edge. But Kira brought light and life to the Jedi Temple, and she loved the way all the Jedi students doted on her. But of all of them, Ben Solo was her favorite.
At 13, he was already tall and she often ran up to him with her arms outstretched, begging for a ride on his shoulders. He would oblige, and she would shriek as she dug her small hands in his curls and hang on while he ran, probably too fast, letting her pretend she was an X-Wing pilot escaping a TIE fighter.
He often found himself wondering why she, who at such a young age had seen such darkness, was so happy, while he was given to such moroseness even though his life had been relatively easy. Because even as Kira's presence at the training center gave everyone new reasons to smile, Ben found himself increasingly moody and irritable. This did not escape the notice of Master Luke, and under his instruction Ben began to chafe. He grew frustrated as reports of First Order incursions came in with growing regularity, tales of their savagery in villages along the Outer Rim shocking everyone.
"We should be doing something," he said to his Uncle one afternoon. "If we don't, there will be more children like Kira, orphans whose parents have been hunted down in cold blood."
The Jedi Master gave him a look of disappointment. "We've been over this, Ben. What would you have me do? The apprentices are not ready. The way of the Force is not to be reckless, but to wait until we are prepared."
Ben reached to his belt and unhooked his light saber, holding the hilt forward with eagerness. "We have enough people who know how to use these. We must attack, now, when they are still gathering strength." He searched Skywalker's face, hopeful of persuading him.
Luke shook his head sadly at the younger boy. "A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack," he reminded him. "The New Republic is seeking a diplomatic solution with the First Order. The Jedi have not been asked to intervene in any case. I couldn't take us to fight even if I thought it was a good idea."
Ben had stormed away then, angry and disillusioned. What good was being a Jedi if you couldn't the Force to protect innocent people? What good was The Force if you were only allowed to use it when a bureaucratic government gave you permission? He had heard his mother complain about the Senate enough times to have much faith in their ability to come to a timely decision.
When Kylo Ren looked back, he could pinpoint that moment as when it all began to fall apart. That night, a seed of doubt was planted in his heart. Whatever happened afterwards, whether it was free will or the manipulations of the Supreme Leader, he knew that he started it all by doubting. It all happened so fast after that. It started with dark, disturbing dreams that left him unfocused and muddled during the day. Eventually, he began to hear voices even during his waking hours. The voices pointed out the mistakes being made around the Jedi Training Academy. As Skywalker had become increasingly ambitious about training more Jedi, he had brought more Force-sensitive young men and women into the academy. But as the only living Jedi Master, that left him alone to oversee the training of over a hundred people. Gone were Ben's personal training sessions with his Uncle, sacrificed in order to make more room for instruction in classes of twenty or more students at a time. He tried, but he couldn't help resenting this. He could only watch helplessly as the closeness he had enjoyed with his Uncle for years was lost as the Jedi Knight became buried under more and more duties. As this relationship disappeared, Ben felt increasingly isolated from the other students as he continued to suffer from dark dreams and hear voices that whispered horrible things during the day.
Throughout all of this it was only little Kira who he could stand to be around. She was the only one who could make him smile anymore, and when he told her stories he forgot his nightmares from the night before. But even his relationship with her receded into the background as one figure began to take center in his dreams, in his mind.
"I know who you are, boy," the voice whispered. "I know who you are better than yourself. They've been lying to you." He tried to push the voice away, using the meditative techniques drilled into all the students. But it got into his brain, into his soul, and he began to feel a wedge of suspicious resentment at his core that flared up whenever Uncle Luke was near.
It finally happened on one of the rare evenings that Master Luke had called for him to come share his evening meal. Ben had been mostly silent, until Skywalker had brought up a recent First Order skirmish in a village on Ryloth. Two hundred villagers had been murdered, their corpses desecrated.
Ben threw his spoon down in disgust. "Enough," he shouted. "When are we going to do something about this scourge?"
Skywalker made no reply, simply tightened his jaw and stared at the furious boy.
"It's….cowardly to do nothing," Ben argued. "I can barely stand myself, and I certainly don't know how you live with yourself, doing nothing against this evil."
Skywalker wiped his mouth with the cloth napkin and threw it down on the table. "You must learn to control this temper of yours, Ben. You'll simply never be a Jedi if you don't. Why can you not accept my authority? You are too much like..." He shook his head and pressed his lips shut.
Ben stared at him. "Who?" he said. "Too much like who?"
But the older man just shook his head again and refused to speak on it anymore.
That night Ben Solo stole a ship and left the academy. He knew the Resistance was running a satellite operation off Endor, in case the First Order attempted to scavenge any remains in the area from when it had been an Empire outpost. He had been at the Jedi training academy since he was 7 years old, and he looked older than 13, so when he lied and said he was 16 year old Tade Juamot from Tatooine (he could mimic the accent) no one recognized or questioned him. They took him on at the base, and his first job was keeping the landing bay clear of any debris so that returning X-Wing fighters could safely land. After a few months he was beginning to despair of actually being able to contribute in an active way, but after a squadron took heavy casualties in a surprise attack on Naboo, he talked his way onto a transport of ground troops bound to defend a small village there.
He was captured almost immediately. Llater, he realized the entire thing had been a ploy, an elegantly executed maneuver to get him into the hands of the First Order and the Supreme Leader.
In front of Snoke for the first time, he had recognized the man's voice immediately as the one that had been whispering inside his head and haunting his dreams those many months.
"How surprised I am to find you here, young Solo," the Sith hissed at him, not bothering to hide his scarred face under the hood of his cloak. "Or has the pull of Luke Skywalker weakened on you?"
Ben had been defiant, furious. "You know nothing about Luke Skywalker," he spat at Snoke.
The thin, tall figure had just laughed. "Oh, I know more than you think," he had replied, sounding amused.
And so he had told Ben Solo, about the truth of Darth Vader. That before he had become the Sith in the feared black helmet his name was Anakin Skywalker. That it had been prophesied that he was the chosen one, the one to bring balance to the Force. That the moment he had refused to do the bidding of the Jedi Council, refused to spy for them in violation of democratic law, they had begun plotting against him. That, they had disfigured him so badly that he had to spend the rest of his life in a life-support suit.
"Why didn't they tell me?" Ben had moaned, anger and confusion coursing through him. Snoke had merely smiled.
"Because they saw what I see. You have so much light in you, boy...and so much dark. They didn't trust you….they didn't trust you to know."
"You know nothing!" Ben shouted through veil of tears. Enraged, he lunged at the Supreme Leader, who used the Force to easily bat him aside.
"Yes," the Sith hissed. "Feel your anger flow through you." Screaming, Ben lunged at him again, only to be shunted off with ease. "You are weak!" Snoke shouted at him. "Your training has been neglected. I can show you the Way of the Force, the Way of the Dark Side. You need a teacher!" Ben continued to rush at the man, until finally the Sith flung him so hard against the wall that when he slid to the floor he remained there, stunned.
Snoke made his way slowly to the boy, kneeling down until he was at eye level. "They didn't trust you, young one, to know who you really are. But I do. I trust you….Kylo Ren." At that he had left, leaving Ben Solo gasping and bleeding on the floor
The Supreme Leader kept to his word. He oversaw Ben's training personally, and over the two years that followed Ben Solo slowly disappeared as the far more deadly Kylo Ren took his place. Ren didn't know that he ever chose to truly become this new creature; instead it was like one day he realized there was none of who he had been left. He was simply gone. It was easier, actually. Kylo Ren has no family or friends to miss. Kylo Ren had no conscience. Kylo Ren simply had burning hatred for the Jedi and the pathetic New Republic.
When the dark, rainy night finally came to attack the training academy, he expected it to be his triumph. Around him were his seven Knights of Ren, the specialized warriors whose selection and training he had overseen personally under the guidance of the Supreme Leader. As they hacked and killed their way through the Academy, he didn't feel the satisfaction he thought he would feel. Instead, it felt like he was watching it all from a distance. Some part of me is dying, he realized, numb.I'm watching myself die.
He was standing on the training fields that ringed the academy, the bodies of fallen Jedi students all around, when he heard a thin scream that sounded different from the others. His attention caught, he looked over to where one of his warriors was looming over a small girl, his hatchet high in the air, about to descend.
He had drawn his saber and thrust it through the warriors back before he even thought about it. Blood gurgled from the man's mouth, and as his body dropped to the muddy ground he dropped the hatchet, narrowly missing the girl who stood there soaking in the rain.
Ren knelt down to her. He touched the buttons that released his helmet and when she saw his face, she throw her arms around his neck and buried her face in his neck. Her muffled voice, sobbing, came to him. "Ben," Kira hiccuped, "Are you here to save us?"
He could smell the clean laundry scent on her tunic. Nothing smelled like that in the entirety of the First Order. It was the smell of goodness, and laughter, honesty and simple things. He thought if he could know that just one thing like that in the whole world existed he could stand the rest of it.
"Yes," he said. "I'm here to save you."
He picked Jakku because it was a nothing planet, a junkyard. No one powerful would ever have a reason to go there, so there would be no reason for her to be discovered. It was the kind of place where not much happened. He force-compelled several people to keep an eye out for her, not to be her family exactly but to keep her from the worst of harm. To keep her from starving or being sold into slavery. He mind wiped her. He told her that her name was now Rey, handed her to Unkar Platt, and took off in his ship, hurrying back to the First Order. He told Snoke and the Knights of Ren that he had been pursuing Luke Skywalker, who they had been unale to capture on Polis Massa.
And then he locked this secret in his mind deeper than anything before. He locked it so deep that Snoke could never get to it. Only when he felt very strong, very safe from Snoke would he let himself remember her smile, the smell of clean laundry. How she had clung to him as if he weren't evil.
It was the choice he had made to save her, he knew, that kept him from becoming a Sith. As he kept the secret over the years, the chance for transformation only became more remote. When he found himself lying about her to Snoke while she was on the Stardestroyer, he knew it was hopeless. He would never become a Sith. Snoke's fury at his inability to complete his training after the death of Han Solo had led him to seek her out, intent on finally destroying her. One last desperate attempt to please his master.
He hadn't counted on being asked to stay. He hadn't expected to start noticing things about her, like the tiny scar under her right eye, or the way she was always freezing and bundled up in an absurd amount of shawls and wraps until only the tip of her nose peeked out. He wondered if she knew that when she was daydreaming she tended to rub the pad of her pointer finger against the bridge of her nose, very slowly. He had still never seen her with her hair in any other style than those three buns at the back of her head, and he found himself wondering how long her hair was. Whether it might feel silky under his fingers. Sometimes he was so afraid he might reach out to see that he shoved his hands in his pockets to stop himself.
He knew she needed to be sent away, before Snoke found out where he was and came to destroy them all. Before Snoke found out who she really was. While there was still time.