Should have been, could have been

Chapter 4: 4000 rainy nights

The Doctor's PoV

"Doctor, the Daleks weren't the only species you fought in the Time War, didn't you? There were others as well. Are the aliens that have caused this, have this amount of power, your enemies from the war?''

He swallows heavily.

"It could be. There are only four species in the universe, the multiverse even, who have the power to cause this, which is exactly the problem. One of those species, are the Timelords. The other three, my enemies. ''

He swallows heavily again before continuing.

''They're all supposed to be dead.''

Hell.

My body might be in the TARDIS with my loved ones but my mind is light years away.

The last time I came across a hole in the fabric of time, space and reality like this, was during the Time War and this situation does nothing but triggering very unwanted memories.

Of the skies burning. The smell of death. Screams of pain.

Of me crying, younger in age but as old and wary in physical appearance as I feel right now, standing in the ruins of what used to be a beautiful city.

The fall of Arcadia.

Those four simple words can freeze me like no others can.

Reminding me of what I've done. What I regret.

What haunts me in the few hours I sleep.

"Doctor? Doctor!"

The voices of my friends bring me back to the present.

Part of me wants to yell at them. What do they think they are doing here?! They should go home and protect themselves! Have a domestic, safe life, the one thing I'll never have, no matter how old I will become! They shouldn't be out here, endangering their incredibly short lives to witness the remains of the most devastating war ever fought! A war they shouldn't even know of! They should be safe and happy, not stand here as I give them enough nightmares to last at least two of their average lifetimes!

"Doctor!"

I look at them and when I notice the obvious care and concern in their eyes, I feel a surge of love for all of them.

When my eyes meet a pair of warm, hazel ones, another, far more recent memory is triggered.

I can still feel the touch of her lips on mine, the taste of her mouth, the caress of her hands. These memories burn as well but in a very, very good way and I'm tempted for a moment to simply instruct everyone involved, including the Tylers, Jake and Jack's team to stay within the safety of the TARDIS as I drag Rose away and show her exactly how much I missed her and what I really meant that day at Darlig Ulf Stranden.

How could she have possibly grown a second heart? What else changed in her physiology when she walked to her original universe? How much did her physiology truly change after she had looked into the vortex? I swear I took everything out of her. Or at least, I thought I did.

"TARDIS to the Doctor!''

Everyone looks at me, waiting for an explanation I'm not sure anyone can give.

"Doctor, we all know the Time War is a very painful subject for you and we never would have asked otherwise but is Rose right? Is the alien who caused this, one of the species involved in the Time War?"

"Doctor, please, we trust you with our lives, tell us what's going on?!"

I listen as everyone around me pleads to know. I hate that I'm the only one left to tell.

They're right of course. If anyone deserves to know what's going on, it's them. After all, they're more like family to me than my actual family was, once. I know I don't tell a lot about my life, mainly because it hurts to much.

I sigh.

"In all honesty, I truly don't know what's going on. What I do know, is that the last time I saw such a hole in space and time, was indeed during the Time War."

I pause, wondering what to say as I avoid their eyes.

"The reason for everyone involved being so powerful, is because we all only exist in one universe but can jump to and exist in others, which is a very rare skill. There are no Daleks, Gallifreyans or Lords and Ladies of Time in Pete-verse or any other universe, except for my original one. Nor the Nightmare Child, the Horde of Travesties, the Could-have-been King with his Army of Meanwhiles and Never-wheres, for that matter. The Daleks didn't have the power to create this hole in time and space but all the others mentioned did."

"However, the only time any of these beings have this amount of power, is when they make a group effort to create a hole. I could never do this on my own."

"So, there are three possibilities: either they've escaped the Time War somehow and ended up either in my universe or Pete's, or there is an alternative version of these species in Pete's world and everything I've believed for centuries is incorrect, or we're dealing with another kind of alien altogether who only exists in Pete's verse and in that case, Rose, Mickey and Jake might know far more than I.

Once again, that third option goes against everything I've believed for years but considering the fact that there should be no one left alive to have caused this, I'm being proved wrong here anyway. Rose, Mickey, do you have any idea if there's such a being in Pete's verse?"

They both shake their heads.

"Anyway, whatever it is, it's dangerous and if you lot weren't so stubborn, I would have sent you off safely in the TARDIS already. This isn't your battle. Then again, if I did that, you'd just come back somehow, wouldn't you?''

They all roll their eyes and smirk at my exasperation.

"Yes Martian boy, we would come back. It's about time you figured that one out."

"The reason I don't give you any more information about all of my enemies during the war is not solely because of my need to keep all of you safe or because of a lack of trust. In fact, I trust everyone here. Fully. The reason for my lack of explanation is because I simply cannot find the words to tell you about the hell they've created. The hell I've been a part of. How could I explain a situation of total chaos that I cannot make sense of myself? The last time I saw such a hole in time and space was during the final days, when everyone was fighting without even remembering why this whole war had started in the first place."

As I speak of those days, the worst of my entire life, the TARDIS starts to project images. Images from a destroyed Gallifrey. I look away. Those images haunt me enough already. I'm not thrilled with my ship for showing this to my loved ones but on the other words, the footage says more than my words ever could.

So, I say nothing. I know it's rather shocking, coming from me, with my gob but how can I? There are no words of what I've seen. What I've lived trough. I cannot even remember how I survived through the first days of my regeneration into good ole big ears. Before I met Rose.

''Sweetie, what if there are alternative versions of both your enemies as well as your race, could there be an alternative Time War here as well? Considering you're doubting everything you've believed so far for all your life, right now…."

The idea of an alternative Time War still going on and all of my loved ones caught in the middle of it, makes me sick to my stomach.

"Wait, if somehow the Timelords are here, isn't that a good thing Boss?"

"Yeah, maybe they could help us?" Mickey and Donna pipe up as Jack, Martha and Sarah-Jane give each other nervous looks.

I try to picture the reaction of the average Time Lord or Lady to my companions and flinch. True, Romana and Susan would get on with them like a house on fire but for the others? I sigh deeply.

"Yes, if the Lords and Ladies of Time would be here they'd help but afterwards…." I pause.

"Don't get me wrong, I miss them. How could I not? There like me. However, I've always been a bit of a renegade."

My companions stare at me, shocked at the fact that I'm actually telling them something about my long-lost species.

"How to define whether a species is good or bad? You can condemn the human race based on the actions of people like Hitler and Stalin, true but you can also pass your judgment based on the actions of Florence Nightingale or Ghandi. The same goes for my people. They were noble and wise but also cruel and arrogant, often looking down upon other species. Unfortunately, as the Time War claimed more and more deaths, our darker side became more prominent."

I cannot look in their eyes as I continue my little lecture, especially not those of the people whose lives I've altered too much already; Professor River Song, Jack Harkness and Rose Tyler.

Or should I say Bad Wolf?

"Rassilon, President and head of the Galifreyan counsel, had one main rule: do not interfere.

The mere fact that you, humans, all know me, know I'm the Doctor and know I travel in a sentient time-and-spaceship called the TARDIS is already considered meddling, never mind the fact that I've altered your life! Look at you!

Jake, you met people of an alternative universe. Jackie and Pete, you married someone from an alternative universe! Jackie, you're expecting! No human should even have knowledge about

alternative universes at this point in time, never mind the domestics!

Mickey, same goes for you, you actually met your alternative version! No human should be able to do that in the 21th century.

River, just one look at your timeline tells me you're in a timeloop. That would never have happened if you hadn't met me.

Martha, you've lived in a year that never was.

Donna, you nearly died underneath the Thames on your wedding day and you and Willff know far more about alien life than you should know.

Sarah-Jane, you were there when the Daleks were created and own a K-9!

Jack, next to the fact you've lived through the year that never was as well, you're a fixed point in time.

And Rose….you're Bad Wolf. Looked into the heart of the Tardis, grew another heart. "

And then I'm not even starting about the little fact that I need you. If the Time Lords could see me now, needing, lov…caring deeply for a sentient ape who has seen a lot more than she should have…. Even in my own mind I do not finish that thought.

"Bottom line, the Lords and Ladies of Time may help us at first but afterwards, we're in big trouble with a bit of bad luck.