Should have been, could have been Chapter 6: Son of the silent age
Sensing the worry and unease in the group, the Doctor opens his mouth but before he says anything, a robotic voice speaks up.
"Analysis confirms an Army of Meanwhiles and Neverwheres are located here. Location of the his Majesty the Could-have-been-King is still unknown."
At those words, the Doctor grows pale.
Rose's PoV
At the words of the robotic dog, the Doctor looks like he's about to be sick. We watch as he calms himself, before turning towards us. He can't keep his voice from shaking, though.
''Try to imagine every decision you've ever made. Every time you change your mind. Every choice you regret. Meanwhiles and Neverwheres latch on to these thoughts, those memories. They feed on it and the more memories of decisions you've made in your life, the stronger they get. To make it worse, it isn't just us being in danger right now. I don't want to boast but how many lives have we saved? Meanwhiles and Neverwhere s can turn back time and make sure we never did.''
I close my eyes, thinking back of my own adventures with the man I kissed only an hour ago. It feels longer.
The Earth would have been flooded with Daleks and Cybermen and we'd have a Slitheen for a prime minister. I would have died at Henrik's. The Doctor would have died years ago.
I open my eyes again as I hear Jack and Martha mutter something about a Master, before focusing on the Doctor again. While all of us had been shocked at his words, the pain was the clearest in the eyes of 'my' Timelord.
I wonder what would happen if he'd come face to face with his old enemies. Would they change every decision made during and regarding the Time War? Would Gallifrey have fallen sooner? What would the consequences of these changes be for other planets? How excessive will the destruction be?
"Well boss, how do we stop them?'' Mickey asks.
"Exactly, isn't there some kind of weapon we could use?"
The Doctor eyes darken at Jack's question, before he stalks back to the Tardis. All of us follow him automatically, not even questioning where we are going.
The moment we realize he brought us back to present day Cardiff to drop us off, we protest. He seems especially keen to drop my mum and Pete off. Mum starts to question him, until comprehension dawns on her face: if these creatures can turn back any decision mum's ever made, it can turn back my mum's decision to have me. If my mother gets in trouble with these Meanwhiles and Neverwheres and I'm in proximity, I simply seize to exist.
For that reason alone, Mum and Pete leave the Tardis, staying at the Torchwood headquarters for the time being. The rest of us are a lot more stubborn though, especially since we still don't know how to battle the Doctor's old enemies.
"How can we fight them!" In the end, Donna's and River's exasperated questioning to break the Doctor down. He sighs deeply, before sitting down on the Tardis' floor, putting his head in his hands.
I sit down next to him and place a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. He shrugs my hand off of his shoulder. I swallow deeply, hurt.
He walks back to the Tardis' control panel and opens the doors, a clear message for us to leave.
"So, that's it?! You just want us to leave while we know multiple dimensions are going to end up looking like metaphorical Swiss cheese?!" Martha yells. Seeing the normally cool and level-headed medical student's anger, fuels my own fury.
"You know Doctor, in all those years, I didn't peg you for a coward." My words sounds sharper than I intended but I'm still pissed off at the fact that he has kissed me and then cruelly pushed me away, all in the space of an hour. Even Sarah-Jane, the most maternal of our little group, looks disappointed.
"What's going on Doctor? What is so frightening you rather push us, everyone who loves you, away, rather than telling us the truth?"
"You have to accept and forgive yourself."
He speaks those words so silently, we can barely hear them.
"You have to accept every action you've ever taken, forgive yourself for every fault you've made.
Can you?"
He laughs without humor, in such a way that reminds me that, although the Doctor looks human, he isn't.
"Can you forgive yourself for every mistake you've ever made? Accept every flaw you have?" His questions hit like bullets.
"And by flaw, I mean every flaw. Not accepting the fact that you're a few pounds heavier than you want to be is already sufficient to become a prey to Meanwhiles and Neverwheres.
I'm about fifteen times as old as you'll ever be," he points out, emphasizing the fifteen. "To top it off, I'm the sole survivor of my race. How many regrets do you think I have?!"
All of us can read between the lines, knowing what the Doctor really wants to say: ''I'm putting all of you in danger! Stay away, you'll be safe."
"So, that's it?! We're not going to do anything?" Sarah-Jane repeats Martha's earlier question.
I step forward. "If you truly believe we're just going to walk away and do nothing, you're an idiot."
"Doesn't hope help?'' River asks silently. When we look at her, she elaborates.
"All of us believe in you Doctor and all of us are willing to fight. It's clear none of us fully accept ourselves, we're all in danger of becoming a victim to Meanwhiles and Neverwheres but we could accept and believe in each other."
Her idea sounds logical to me.
"We could all forgive each other for our flaws as well," Micky points out
"I don't know but it's a start…." The Doctor looks a little more hopeful now.
''Ok, so we all accept, believe and forgive each other in the face of those Mean-whatevers. And then…what? What happens next?''
"Well, if they cannot feed on you and if you project such an amount of forgiveness, acceptance and hope, they'll die. If you don't, however, they swallow you whole. Also, the stronger they get, the more they change and damage the timelines and the bigger the chance the Reapers show up too."
Lovely. How can we have hope, knowing this? I realize this knowledge explains the bitter look on the Doctor's face. After all, these creatures showed up during the Time War as well, a situation where there was truly no hope left. Which caused the Doctor to do the things he had to do to stop the Time War, things he cannot forgive himself for until this day.
I'm starting to hate these creatures more and more.
Donna's PoV
Those remarks about not accepting yourself hit home. After all, how often do I talk myself down?! But if I don't have faith in myself, I'm going to be eaten by Meanwhiles. Great. What if my insecurities will kill everyone?!
I stop my panicked thoughts, realizing that believing such things about myself will only make those Meanwhiles stronger. I focus my attention on the Doctor instead. He's staring at Rose every time she looks away and I realize something; there are many things the Doctor cannot forgive himself for and is struggling with and one of those things are his blatantly obvious feelings for the blonde.
I nudge Micky.
"Do you think this whole mess will be slightly less of a disaster when the Doctor finally admits he's arse over elbow for Rose?"
Mickey's eyes grow big before he snorts.
"You might actually have a point there. However, how the hell are we going to make him admit he's in love with her?"
Sarah-Jane and Jack curiously join our conversation.
"We can nag. Or confront him, like we planned to. It might actually work."
"Never thought we'd find an excuse to match-made in this chaos."
Jack winks at me.
"Trust me, any excuse might work, if only not to be stuck in the middle between THAT sexual tension. If only they'd ask for my help."
Micky rolls his eyes.