Should have been, could have been Chapter 9
A/n: I don't own Doctor who….or Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters. Bonus points for everyone who recognizes the reference. To be honest, I had a bit of a writer's block with this one but hopefully it's gone now. Also, as much as I love Doctor Who, I have not seen all the old episodes related to the Time War (Nine was my first Doctor) so if any older Whovians here discover a mistake, especially in the descriptions of the non-Gallifreyan aliens, please let me know. As for the description of depression, as a recently graduated psychologist, I've tried to make it as scientifically correct as possible.
The Doctor's PoV
I nervously pace around as I process the words of my friends. As much as I hate to admit it, they were right. I should be focusing on finding Neverwheres and their messed-up Could-have-been royal but instead I couldn't get the kiss Rose and I shared, out of my head. Especially Jack's words hit home; I had told myself I shouldn't act upon my feelings for Rose because she would be gone in the blink of an eye. Yet Jack, in all his immortal, manwhorish ways, loved with all his heart when faced with similar problems. If Jack could, why couldn't I?
Because I'm a coward. Because I'm terrified. So very afraid of the power my pink and yellow human has over me.
Our gazes meet but when we look at each other, she quickly looks away and I can sense her hurt.
Of course she's hurt. I kissed her before practically ignoring her. She probably thinks I regret kissing her. The thought makes me feel like a cad.
Knowing both of us can't focus on finding my race's old arch enemies before this matter is properly taken care of, I make my decision before walking towards her. It's time to stop being a coward, if only for her.
Bloody hell, I'm going to tell Rose Tyler how I feel about her. I could use some…what did Donna call it? Liquid courage. Those Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters could even get me drunk.
Somehow my feet manage to carry me to Rose, who's still busy throwing stones with Mickey, Martha and River and I briefly hesitate. Perhaps I should talk to Rose when she doesn't hold a rock in her hand. She looks at me and I wonder if she currently wants to throw rocks at me instead of using them to locate the Neverwhere wormholes.
I wouldn't blame her.
"Rose, can we talk? In private, I mean." Rose nods, while Micky and Martha glance at each other and Rover simply raises an eyebrow. We walk in silence to the Tardis, carefully paying attention to where we place our feet. The fact that we're walking on a Galifreyan version of a minefield, doesn't exactly calm my nerves.
After entering the console room, Rose looks at me expectantly.
"Yes, Doctor? You wanted to speak to me?"
I notice how cold and impersonal she sounds and I flinch. As if I needed another reminded of how much I managed to muck things up between us.
"Oh Rose…"I blurt out before hesitating. Her eyes soften as she notices the look on my face, though.
"Look Rose, what I'm trying to say is…I'm sorry for being so distant to you just now. I's just…first, you show up again, with two hearts, then there are all these memories of the Time War, the hope that I might meet my people again, before that hope is dashed with the discovery that apparently, the Meanwhiles, Neverwheres and their king are still alive and..."
"You've had quite a few shocks for the past hour, I understand," she interrupts my ramblings.
"It's not just that, Rose." Damn it, why is this so hard? She has already admitted she loved me, so I know she returns those feelings and judging by our little tryst earlier today, I highly doubt those feelings had faded away.
"What I'm trying to say and should have said at Darlig Ulf Stranden is….I love you Rose Tyler. With both of my hearts."
The moment my confession leaves my mouth, my Rose jumps into my arms and kisses me. I passionately kiss her back, happy to forget my fears for just one moment. After all those centuries, all the pain and loneliness, I finally feel whole again. Happy again. I thought I had lost the ability to feel happiness after the Time War.
"What took you so long, my Doctor?" she asks and after the way she had kissed me moments ago, I'm starting to wonder the same.
That's when someone is starting to scream and we jump apart at the noise, before Rose grabs my hand and we run towards our friends again. Jack has put his arms consolingly around River's and Donna's shoulder, while Mickey is comforting Martha while glancing worriedly at Sarah-Jane. It doesn't take long for his eyes to capture Martha's again, though and I raise an eyebrow at the couple, noticing the clear attraction between the two of them.
"All four of us nearly fell in one of those holes," Sarah-Jane explains as she walks towards us, gesturing towards River, Martha, Donna and herself. "The boys pulled us away at the last moment."
"Thank God for that, are you all right?" Rose exclaims as I worriedly follow her.
After being reassured everyone is shaken but in good health otherwise, I scan the walls with my screwdriver, in search for Meanwhiles and Neverwheres.
"This is worse than I thought," I say softly. "There must be an entire nest around here, or else they couldn't have created more than one or two wormholes. How many have you located?"
"Five, Doctor," Donna answers.
"Then there truly should be a nest of Meanwhiles and Neverwheres here but where?" I quietly ask myself.
"Everyone, keep looking and be careful."
"We will if you tell us what we're looking for," Martha points out and I realize how little I have given them to work with, as my mind had been completely occupied with both Rose and the Time War.
"You're right and I'm sorry." Martha's features soften as she notices the guilty look on my face. Everyone has paused in their work to listen, feeling clearly anxious for more information.
"The Meanwhiles and Neverwheres are sister-races," I explain. The Meanwhiles are ghostlike creatures. You never see them until it's too late but you can notice them in the corner of your eye. However, if you find yourself suddenly doubting whether every big decision you've ever made was the right one and you're wondering what other roads you could have taken, rest assured that a Meanwhile is nearby. They feed on all your doubts, after all."
"Do they look like the Gelth?" Rose asks and I nod, remembering our trip to the Victorian Age back when I had big ears and wore leather. "They really look ghostlike, like they've been created out of mist and fog," I elaborate before continuing.
"Then, when your mind is miles away, stuck on past decisions and mistakes, you'll right straight into the claws of a Neverwhere. Unlike the Meanwhiles, Neverwhere are definitely easy to spot since they are Time Demons, which is why they need the distraction a Meanwhile offers. However, a lone Meanwhile is weak, which is why they need the protection of the Neverwheres. As a result, you never find one without the other.
As I said before, a Neverwhere is a Time Demon and looks like you humans would expect a demon to look; with wings, horns and red skin. However a Neverwhere can change shape and take on the shape of its last victim. As for its powers; how often did you wish you could turn back time? Well, when doubts about a certain decision you've made in your life, thanks to a Meanwhile, a Neverwhere actually can turn back time in such a way that another decision was made in a way that turns out bad for the wisher. Although they usually don't choose fixed points in time to twist, since they are rather old and don't wish to end up as lunch for the Reapers, they sometimes do choose fixed points and leave before the Reapers show up. As a result, the victim becomes the Reaper's lunch. They usually do that when they're feeling extra vengeful," I finish my rambling with a frown.
"In other words, we can end up as Reaper Lunch or end up send back in time and making a gigantic regret that we regret for our entire lives. Entire lives that, with the lives we live, can be turned a whole lot shorter this way," Jack points out and I nod.
"Also, don't underestimate the Meanwhiles. They might not look as impressive as the Reapers or the Neverwheres but until a Neverwhere captures and transports you to the moments you've made big decisions in your life, nothing but those moments can truly capture your thoughts. You can live for days, weeks, months, years even stuck in the past, regretting all the mistakes you've made. They can trap you inside your mind," I point out. "You cannot enjoy any activities anymore, you get mentally stuck in circular arguments, regretting every choice you make, you feel down all the time, you feel useless, hopeless…"
Martha looks worried. "It sounds almost like you're describing someone with a depression."
I nod. "The symptoms are comparable, unfortunately and a Meanwhile can certainly drive someone into an actual, real depression."
"Right, so we're looking for ghostlike creatures out of the corner of our eye, pay attention to anything demon-like...and Reapers? What do they look like?" Donna asks.
"Big winged creatures a bit dragon-like. Trust me, it won't be difficult to spot them," Rose answers her question, looking slightly guilty. She probably feels bad when remembering how her desire to safe her father made the creatures eat me. I place an arm around her and she smiles. Thankfully, it's enough to accept those dark memories and leave them in the past. After all, wondering about decisions made in the past is the worst thing we could do now but unfortunately, it's so easily done. Wasn't I remembering the Time War not so long ago? If there's one big wound that the Meanwhiles and Neverwheres will try to reopen, it's the loss of my planet and my people. However, my friends have helped me to somehow move on and I look at them gratefully. Suddenly I'm glad Jack, Donna and Sarah-Jane had given me the final push to make me confess my feelings to Rose. Somehow I know I wouldn't have been an easier target for my old enemies if I had tried to continue to avoid Rose after our first real kiss, one unhindered by Daleks or Cassandra anyway.
My thoughts are interrupted by Jack's shout.
"I think I saw something out of the corner of my eye….something ghostlike, I think!"
All of us run to our friend as a horrible realization crosses my mind: besides me, Jack is the easiest target because of his age. Ultimately, a longer life also means more decisions to regret, so the older you are, the bigger the chance of becoming a victim. Hearing the normally proud, self-confident Captain speak with a voice filled with doubt makes me wonder how long the Meanwhiles had been keeping an eye on him.
Suddenly I see them too and judging by the reactions of my other friends, I'm not the only one.
It seems Jack had found an entire nest.