Alright so it's been long enough sorry to the few people who fallow this. I haven't been able to quite capture the essence of this version of Wanda that I created. But last night I found a song and I was in a mood where I had some intense concentration. But anyways, this one is a pretty long one, Wanda had a lot of thoughts I guess. So grab the popcorn and the box of tissues and get ready to read Wanda's chapter.

DISCLAIMER: The characters do not belong to me they belong to Stephanie Meyer's author of the wonderful book 'The Host'

Chapter 4: If you see him

Wanda's POV

I picked up the box and set it on my lap; I picked up the photo on top and gazed at it. It was us, kissing at our table at our wedding. I sighed, what was the point? Why was I pretending, when all I wanted was him? I set the picture down and picked up the next one.

Picture after picture; Our first engagement pictures, The minute he purposed, Our two year anniversary, Five or six different photo booths; Every picture like a knife in the heart.

Why wasn't he here? I couldn't figure it out. Did I not mean that much to him anymore? Was I just another girl that he'd been with. I knew he had changed from who he was in college to the man that I married but did he miss that single life? Did he wish he'd never married me?

I grabbed another tissue and wiped the tears from my eyes and blew my nose. This was going to kill me. All these un answered question and all of these stupid memories everywhere. I lifted the collar of Ian's shirt that I was wearing and inhaled.

The musky masculine scent filled my lungs and I sat back comforted a little. The first week had been the worst but when I realized that I needed to see his face and breath in the smell of him I'd gone out and bought two bottle of his cologne and I'd gone to Kyle's around the time Ian had to go to work and I watched him get on his bike and drive to work.

I had to admit when I saw these little glimpses of him he looked pretty depressed. But then when I saw him at the mall or the store with Aaron and Brant he usually had a smile on his face and was laughing and looked pretty happy to me.

Me on the other hand, I was always miserable. Sure I put on the fake smile on my face and told the age old lie that I was fine or that I was great. But on the inside I was dying of loneliness and despair.

From the moment that he walked out I'd been miserable. Sure I'd told him to get out and I'd locked the door but I had sunk to the floor against the door and broke into uncontrollable sobs and tears where never in short supply.

I heard a car pull up and saw that it was Mel. I smiled a little to myself. Mel was such a great big sister. She always came over to check on me and to hold me while I cried. I had to thank whatever higher power was out there that my dad had married her mother before he died. And that my step-family just became my family. Of course it was pretty hard for my mother to raise me and Mel at the same time after my dad died. Then to get re-married to a good man. Our family was just full of lucky breaks.

Though this separation wasn't too lucky. I frowned and talked into the foyer. I had brought out the duster so that I could pretend like I wasn't just sitting around crying. I shouldn't feel like I had to do this around Mel but I did. I felt like I had to cover up my depression so that she didn't feel bad either, because when I'm sad Mel's sad. It a sister thing.

I unlocked the door and picked up the duster and started to stroke it across a picture of Ian and I on the two year anniversary of our marriage. I took a deep breath as Mel knocked on the door and entered. "Hey Wanda." She said.

"Mel, you're here!" I said dropping the duster to run and hugging her. I missed having people around. Mel tried to pick it up the duster, "Forget about it. I'll pick it up later."

I was so happy to see her. I'd been crying on the couch looking at pictures for a hour or so. I'd really liked taking pictures of Ian and I when we were dating. They were all over the couches in the front room.

Mel looked at me with a frown, "Wanda, why are you wearing that shirt again?" I knew that she knew why I was wearing it but I never wanted to actually admit it to anyone, not even Mel.

"Its comfortable." I said blushing and looking down at the floor. She knew I was lying; I was always a bad liar.

"Don't you ever wash it?"

"Of course." I said a bit offended, "It's just comfortable and I want to feel comfortable in my home." I wore this shirt almost every day and every single night. Of course I washed it. Though I'd rather wash it so Ian could wear it.

She leaned in close, and gave a small sniff. "It's got Ian's cologne on it. Has he been here lately?"

"He left a bottle here." I said looking at my bare feet. Again an obvious lie.

I remember the week after the left. I couldn't sleep; no matter how hard I tried I couldn't sleep. Mel had even given up two nights sleeping with Jared to come over and try to help me sleep. But I ended up laying down next to her for half the nighty and the other half of the night just sitting on the couch remembering how the smell of him lulled me to sleep. Of course that was my answer. So that's when I went out and I bought two bottles of his chosen cologne. Of course when he didn't come back I hadn't thought that I'd need to keep using it to sleep, and I never would have thought I'd need to use it for two months. I just figured that he'd come home, we'd make up and he'd have extra.

Mel sighed. "Why don't we go into the front room?"

We walked hand into the front room. When we crossed the threshold I realized she'd take the box of tissues and the 2 years of dating pictures and the wedding and honeymoon pictures as me torturing myself.

Mel always noticed the smallest details when it came to me. When my dad had died she told me I'd cried for a week. When I got to Junior High she'd guessed I'd been bullied, every time I got a crush it'd take her no time at all to guess who it was, when I got to High School I was almost always the first person to get asked to the prom or any dance because Mel saw by the way I acted that I didn't expect to get asked. And when I was dating Ian she was the first one, even before I knew it, to know that I was head over heels in love with him.

"What's all this?" I knew it by the tone of her voice that she guessed that I'd been reminiscing and missing him.

"Oh nothing." I said putting a mechanical smile on my face. I walked over to the ottoman, "I brought these out so I could make a scrapbook. It might be fun."

I push a box of tissues out of sight. But she'd probably noticed everything; my eyes were probably bloodshot and I probably still had bags under my eyes.

She frowned at me. "Wanda, just because you hide the box doesn't mean you haven't been crying. And just because you can smell his cologne doesn't mean it'll make you sleep."

I felt my smile faultier, "What are you talking about Mel? I'm just fine. I'm great even."

She put her hands on my hips and stared me straight in the eyes, "Just because you say it doesn't make it true."

She was right. I immediately let myself sink back into my usual frown.

Mel softened too and made her way toward me trying not to step on the pictures, not an easy task. When she got to me she sat me down and grabbed both my hands in hers, "It's me Wanda. It's just us girls. I'm your sister for god's sake; you don't have to put on that fake bull shit 'I'm great' act. I'm your sister, be real with me."

I took in a rattling breath and I started to cry, again. "When I'm real I always cry."

"Then cry. You can cry in front of me. Hell if anyone has excuses to cry you do."

She had a point so I blinked and the tears over flowed. I flung my arms around her neck and cried into her shoulder. She shifted her head a bit, "Let's go upstairs huh? It'll be comfy up there."

She didn't really give me time to respond and I was crying too hard to speak anything coherent anyway. She stood up and I did to but of course she was taller so I went onto my tippy toes to keep my arms around her. She picked me up, I had always been small and light and she'd always been pretty strong. But since I hadn't eaten well the last two months we'd been apart I was even thinner than before. She carried me around the pictures to the landing. She locked the front door before carrying me upstairs into our bedroom. She laid on me on my side of the bed with my arms still around her, held me while I cried.

I just laid there crying and thinking of him. He was all I thought about.

She held me the whole time stroking my hair and rubbing my back. I liked that, I did calm down and eventually stopped crying.

"Do you feel better?" She asked.

"No." I said sticking out my lower lip like a child.

I could tell that Mel was trying to think of something anything to distract me with as she looked around the room looking for idea's and eventually she ended up with one. "I know. How about I give you a mani-pedi."

"I don't know." I said still in my pout.

She smiled, "Oh come on Wanda you used to love having me paint your nails. You said it made you feel pretty."

"I don't want to feel pretty."

"How about I paint your nails and you tell me everything about why you're upset." She suggested.

I thought for a moment. "Okay."

She got up and started to walk towards my adjoined bathroom, "The nail polish is still in the closet right?" she asked almost to the door.

"Oh Mel. I have the color I want." I said opening my bedside table and pulling out my addiction; Ian's beautiful blue eyes and tossing it to her.

I'd found it while at the store and I'd recognized it immediately and only let go of it to have the lady at the counter scan it. When I got home I'd taped a piece of paper on top of the label; 'Ian's Eyes'

"You want this one?" She asked.

I nodded, "Well I can't see his eyes every morning so I have to have the color somewhere in the house right?"

"Ok." She nodded and went to get the stuff for my pampering while I thought about him. I laid on my back and breathed.

I remembered the night we'd met, the first time I'd seen his eyes up close, well I kind of remembered it. It was a little fuzzy in parts because I was drunk but I'd been studying really hard for a test I had in two days. Mel had badgered me to go to this really cool bar and have a drink to take a chill pill. But little did I know I would be meeting my future that night. We flirted and I wanted him more and more with every drink I had.

I restrained myself during the ride to my place. I wanted him to speed and I wanted to kiss his neck and excite him, to make him want me. Of course it took no persuading to get him into the house. I knew he was a soccer player and my friend Sunny had told me that they had exhalent stamina; she'd know, she was dating the ex-soccer star now-football star, Kyle.

Once I had him in I grabbed his hand and walked him over to the couch in my front room, "I really enjoyed spending time with you at the bar." He said with his brilliant smile.

"Yea. Who thought I'd meet such a nice guy on my break from studying." I said trying to stay cool.

I stared into his brilliant blue eyes, they were the color of ice but they had some sort of fire in them, I hoped it was the fire of attraction. Before I knew it we were only inches apart, he was so close, I hoped he'd just kiss me already.

"Wanda? Can I ask you a question?"

Oh my god. He's gonna purpose. My drunk brain had thought, "Sure"

"Can I kiss you?"

I smiled, he was such a gentleman, "I thought you'd never ask."

He kissed me then and I felt something burn up inside me. We kissed and it got more and more passionate. I thought I'd opened my mouth and that'd been when he laid me on the couch.

I think I'd giggled and he'd started to kiss down my neck. I had no idea how he'd known that that was one of my hot spots but he'd found it and took advantage of it.

"I'm not sure we should be doing this." I said feeling desire pulse through me, "I mean I don't even know your name." Like names mattered when you were drunk and feeling like this.

"It's Ian." He whispered against my neck.

That raised a red flag. There was no way you could go to the gym and not hear the name of Ian O'Shea, Captain of the soccer team.

He pulled back, "What is it?"

"Ian? Ian O'Shea?" I prayed that he'd say no so I could have sex with him.

"Yea."

I felt so much at that moment; hurt, anger, betrayal, violated, lied too. I sat up and tried to recount Sunny's words on the phone.

"Oh, By the way, stay away from any of the captains of the sports teams. There's this thing going around that all the captains have to nail a girl tonight. If they don't then they have to do something really embarrassing. Kyle wouldn't tell me what it was but if you do meet one of them, don't have sex with them and don't tell them I said anything or they'll kill Kyle."

"What's wrong?" Ian asked.

I couldn't believe it. "Your Ian O'Shea….Captain of the soccer team." I paused just a moment to give him any time to deny it. "I heard from my best friend that all the captain boys on the sports teams were supposed to nail a girl tonight."

I saw him get a little red in the face, I felt a tear about to drop. "No, it's not like that." He said.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, "Oh of course not. It never is, is it?" I said my voice full of sarcasm.

I couldn't believe I'd been so stupid. I'd almost given in to my sexual desires and committed social suicide. Being the girl nailed on a dare. It'd be spread around the school faster than a cheerleader's pregnancy scare.

He tried to grab my hand, like that's help, I ripped mine away, "I think you should leave."

He did. He got up and left. Than night after crying myself asleep I dreamt about the night I might have had if he wasn't the captain of a team. We'd explore each other on the couch and then move up to my bedroom where we'd devour each other in passion and hot sex.

Of course I felt even worse the next day when I realized that even worse than being the victim of a prank was being the one that turned the man away. Of course that's what my hangover said. I took some aspirin and drove to school where I tried to keep my head down.

I expected cat calls from jocks and 'lack of performance' jokes from some cheerleaders, but what I didn't expect was Ian bringing me flowers and begging me to go out with him, to give him another chance.

I didn't give in easily but I decided if he really wanted one more chance I'd give it to him. Just one more chance and he ran with it.

Mel's voice brought be back to the present, "So, Wanda, no bull shit this time. How are you?" She asked taking off a little bit of nail off my toenails using the toe nail clippers.

I took a breath, "Sometimes it's hard to tell." I exhaled, "Sometimes I feel like I could be happy but then the sadness overshadows it." She nodded, of course that'd been how it was for the last two months. I steeled myself to ask the question I really wanted to ask. "Have you see Ian?"

"Yep. He says he's doing fine and he says he thinks of you sometimes." She began to file my nails.

"Really? He said that?"

"Direct quote." she said opening the bottle of polish.

I sighed heavily, I felt all the irritation I had with him burst to the surface, "Damn Mel. Why hasn't he come home yet? I mean it's not like I sprayed 'Ian repellant'. I mean wouldn't he at least want to come over and talk to me? I mean it's not like we were married for four years. He's gotta miss me more than 'I think about you sometimes.' I mean I do. I miss him so much. And I love him so much."

"Maybe he will."

"Yea right. He didn't even come when he needed his clothes. I mean he sent Jared in to get his things. He wasn't even in the car. And when I went to give him the divorce papers which he clearly wanted," I didn't even care that I was throwing around the sarcasm, "he wouldn't even come and get them from me. He had Sunny pass them over from me to him."

I remembered that day well too. I remembered Sunny's face as she told me awkwardly that she had no idea who's side she was suppose to choose. She loved me, we'd been friends since our first semester of college. But she loved Ian, he was her bother in law and she'd feel like she was betraying family. Of course she finished it off with, "I'm for what's best. What's best for both of you, wither it's getting back together or getting a divorce."

"Maybe he's afraid that your beautiful gray eyes will make him cry like a baby." Mel said, "Maybe he's afraid you're still mad at him."

I rolled my eyes. How could I still be mad, it'd been two months? "I've seen him cry before. And I love him too much to still be mad at him."

"You know what you should do?" she said.

"What?"

"Text him that." She said blowing on the foot she'd just finished, "Text him 'I'm not mad anymore.' Or better yet 'Ian I love you.' I bet that'll get him over here in minutes."

I knew it would. He'd be over here in seconds. "No. I can't Mel." I said look at the foot she'd finished while she started the other one. "He's enjoying his new life to much. If he likes it and it makes him happy then what kind of a person would I be if I tried to convince him to leave it."

"What makes you think he likes his new life?"

I didn't respond right away. I remembered the times I'd seen him at the mall and the one time at the store. "I saw him. I've seen him a couple times. Sometimes I do a drive by of Kyle's to see if he's there."

I thought I heard her say something like 'Not you to.'

"Did you say something Mel?" I asked.

"Nope." she said a little too innocently.

I frowned, I'd ignore her. "Like I was saying I've seen him in his new life. He hangs out with Aaron and Brant at the mall and they check out girls. You should see his face. I watched as he was talking to Aaron one time. It was obviously about a girl and it looked like Ian was talking about her boobs." I cringed. "And while Brant was watching other girls Aaron seemed interested in Ian's opinion or whatever it was."

I remembered that day. I'd gone to the mall for a present for Mel. She'd been so great. And I'd been walking back to my car through the food court after getting a Jamba Juice when I'd seen them; Ian, Aaron and Brant. They were sitting at a table and Brant was pointing at a girl and making this face that clearly told me he was interested. Of course Brant had never really been the relationship type. I remember Ian telling me once Brant was a relationship guy in high school then he'd been cheated on one too many times. And what was worse was Ian was looking at the girl too. It killed me.

Then there was the groceries store time. He'd seen me then.

I'd gone to the store so I didn't starve. I was dangerously low on food, and most importantly my mint chocolate chip ice cream stash. I'd always kept a box in the fridge and I started to eat it when I missed him a lot.

I was walking along the produce, looking at apples and thinking of the time Ian accidently chocked on my mom's apple pie at a thanksgiving right after we'd got married when I'd bent over to place a cream pie on the table. I'd purposefully pulled my shirt pretty low, I use to do those kinds of things to keep him chasing me.

I looked up to see if the apples on the other cart were cheaper and found myself distracted by him; he was standing over by the banana's. I looked at him, right in those eyes that drove me crazy and for a moment, everything was solved.

This feeling of peace and love filled me and I wanted to run to him and tell him I was sorry. To tell him that he had to come home, I wasn't going to take no for an answer. And then I'd take him home and seduce him. After making love everything would be ok and we'd go back to life like it should be. The two of us together.

Of course then Brant and Aaron came over carrying all sorts of junk including energy drinks. I practically glued my jaw shut and tears started to form when I heard Brant say "Dude Ian I'm totally gonna get you laid tonight."

I felt a tears slip and flipped my hair in front of my face and practically ran out of the store abandoning my shopping efforts.

"God! I love him so much Mel. I almost told him so once. We saw each other at the store. I just stared into his gorgeous eyes for a minute and I was about to tell him I loved him and wanted him to come home when Aaron and Brant went to the cart with a bunch of junk food and I swear I heard Brant tell Ian "Dude Ian I'm totally gonna get you laid tonight." And I couldn't take it so I flipped my hair to hide the fact that I was crying and left. I didn't even buy the food. I just kinda abandoned the cart by the doors."

She patted my ankle It was comforting to know she was here for me, and that I wasn't just crazy ranting to myself. I was on a rant and she wasn't about to stop me, she knows I need this. She didn't want me going crazy.

"I miss him so much. God! You know it totally killed me to go to the court house and get the divorce papers. Then I sat outside Kyle's trying to gather the courage to give them to him. But he hasn't signed them and I still have to sign them before we can turn them in." I took a deep breath trying to steady myself as she blew on my left foot to dry it. "But I don't want to sign them Mel. I don't want to have either of us sign them I just want him to come home."

"Why don't you call and tell him that." she suggested.

"I can't." I said hitting the bed, "I can't because he's got to still be angry at me. Plus he likes checking out other girls." I heard my voice break, just the thought of him with other girls…. I couldn't take it.

"What other girls could be prettier than you?" she scoffed

"Yea. That's what Burns said too." I said lifting my feet up after she blew on the clear coat.

"Oh speaking of Burns. Ian drove by and he saw Burns was over." she laughed, "He thought you and Burns were together."

I laughed too, "What'd you say?" Like I could be with anyone but Ian, and especially not with Burns.

"I let him finish his story and then laughed at him and told him Burns was gay. He said that it made more sense now."

I laughed but it was maybe a little too forced. When I stopped laughing I turned to lay on my stomach being careful not to ruin her work on my toes. I remembered his visit like it was yesterday, he was the best gay friend I'd ever had…. Ok he was the only gay friend I'd really ever had.

She grabbed the three sided buffer and started on my left hand first.

"Burns just popped in on me. He was so sweet. He brought me a fake wooden rose and we sat on the couch and talked. I was telling him how much I loved Ian and how much I missed him when he grabbed my hand. I didn't care, ya know, because he's gay and my heart and love belongs to Ian."

She nodded and mhm'd at all the right places while I continued on.

"Of course when I got far enough into explaining how much this separation was hurting I got really upset and he had me sit next to him while he held my hand. And that's really all I needed you know? Someone to hold my hand and to physically be there."

She looked up at me with concern, "I've been here for you enough right? I mean I want you to know that I'm here."

I waved her concerns away with my free hand, "Mel you've been my rock. I think I needed a man though. Not that Burns is really the man I wanted but he did his job. He comforted me."

She looked at me lifting an eyebrow, "What kind of comfort?"

I felt color creep into my cheeks and was shocked that Mel would even think of that, even in passing "Mel! He held my hand and gave me hugs and kissed me on the cheek. Nothing more." I hit her lightly and she grabbed it and began buffering it. "Though I have to say I've been pretty…. Well horny these past couple of weeks. It's not like Ian and I did it as much as you and Jared do but we never went months without it. Or at least not months without some sort of oral."

"I don't really want to hear all the fun details." she said.

"I know." I said kicking my feet back and forth, "But you try going two months without having sex with Jared and see how you fair. It's kind of terrible. I mean Ian and I had a relationship that was more than just physical. But when it got physical it really got physical." She groaned "I mean I thought he was so amazing the night we met. I know I was drunk but oh god he was so amazing and I wanted him so bad. But then I found out who he was and I cried myself to sleep after I kicked him out. I mean I was so devastated that I didn't even want to go to classes the next day."

"No." She said in mock sarcasm.

"Yea. Imagine. College Wanda not wanting to go to classes. Anyway I just wanted to avoid him and try to forget him. But I couldn't. And I saw him when I got on campus. He was in jean shorts and a gray v-neck. He looked so hot. I was amazed because he had flower. I went to walk past him but he stopped me. He told me that he really did like me and he wasn't just trying to have sex with me like I'd thought."

She snorted. I knew she was remembering what Ian had been like before he met me. She was a year ahead of me in college and Ian was a year ahead of Mel. So she knew his rep better than I did at the time, and I knew plenty.

I kind of had a flashback; socially awkward me, hot young athletic Ian, a dozen roses and his earnest apology. I could almost hear him begging me with such an honest tone, laying his heart right there in front of me. A crowd had gathered and I remember there was a group of girls with school swag on who was just gazing at me in total jealousy. Half the girls in school wanted him to do that for him but he wanted me.

I'd looked at him with pity in my eyes when he got down on his knees right there in the freshly mowed and watered grass, begging for my forgiveness. I can remember exactly how it happened.

"Get up Ian." I kind of groaned.

"I won't. Not in less you forgive me."

"Fine." I snapped whispering, "I forgive you. Can you get up now? People are staring."

He'd gotten to his feet and handed me the flowers, "I don't know your favorite so I got you roses. I thought I couldn't go wrong with roses."

I took them and inhaled their scent, "Thanks." I said. People were still staring but most of them had gone on now that he wasn't embarrassing himself.

He smiled at me making his eyes sparkle, which released butterfly's into my stomach. "So I was thinking maybe you wanna go to dinner tonight?"

I shrugged, "I guess." I took a deep breath; if I was gonna give him a chance I had to set some boundaries. I pointed a finger at his chest, "You've gotta understand though. I won't be having sex with you until you can prove to me that you're not just after my body. Got it?"

He nodded, "Ok. Sounds fair."

I nodded too and started to walk to class. He walked with me and even offered to carry the flowers for me. I had to fold my arms so I wasn't tempted to hold his hand.

"It took pretty much the entire day for him to entirely convince me but there was one thing that he did that convinced me. And it was right after he gave me the flowers."

"What did he do?" she was curious.

I smiled at her remembering the situation, "I hid under the bleachers when he went to the track for his run. There were a couple of the girls I knew for sure that he'd been with. Jealousy ripped through me like crazy and I watched as one of them approached him and went to stroke his bare chest and…. He stopped her."

"Really?" She said smiling.

I nodded, "Yea. She approached him as confident as anything and when she put her hands on his chest he grabbed her hands and put them by her side and I heard part of their conversation."

"What was it?" I hadn't told her about this before so she was interested.

"He said, "No Jen. We're not doing that anymore." I was so surprised I felt my jaw drop. Then she said something like, "What is it Ian? Meet some other slut that you like better?" and he smiled at her and he said "I met someone who makes me want to be exclusive. I don't want to fool around with anyone but her." She got really upset. It was kinda funny. I sat there under the bleachers and laughed as she screamed at him and pushed him. And then she asked him who this girl was and he smiled at her and said "You'd like that wouldn't you. But I'm not going to tell you because she doesn't deserve to feel you're fiery because I love her." That shocked both me and Jen. He'd said he loved me."

"Turns out he did."

"Yea. But oh my god I waited for a month before I accept that he wasn't just looking for sex."

She groaned started a second coat.

"It was kinda funny because he was totally blue-balled for two weeks of that month. And I used that as a test. If he and I saw each other and he wasn't so blue-balled then I'd call it off." I paused remembering, "But god I wanted to jump him. I had to hold myself back a lot. Then after the month was over I had him spend the night at the house. You were with Jared and mom and dad were out for the weekend. I realized that I loved him. I mean it was only a month but he really cared and took care of me."

"Oh my god Mel. Ian and I's first night together was the best sex I've ever had. And I mean ever. I mean it's like Ian and I were…. welded together. I mean I kept expecting him to moan or scream some other girls name but it was almost like he'd forgotten about any other girl than me. He moaned my name and I screamed his."

I remembered that night so well. It was the first time since the night we met that I invited him in. We'd just gotten back from a classical concert that neither of us particularly liked but he'd won tickets to it on some radio station by accidently dialing the wrong number so might as well make a date out of it.

I could tell he knew what it meant when I asked him. I guess that may have been why he responded within seconds. I had been throwing out hints like more make out sessions and privet very suggestive note I'd slipped into his gym bag.

We walked into the house hand in hand and when I closed the door and locked it I turned and went immediately to kissing him. I pulled him close with his hand and started to kiss him soft and slow but sincere and passionate.

I could tell he was totally ready to do it, he kicked off his shoes at the door and pulled me so close that there was no room between our bodies. He let his hands roam up and down my waist.

I turned us and moved us to the couch where we'd done this before. I was in a dress so I couldn't quite move as well as I had that night since I was in pants then. I pushed him onto the couch and then knelt next to him still kissing him slow and deep.

No one would be home until tomorrow afternoon at least. So I was in no hurry. I didn't want to rush it like I had the night we met, I wanted it to be meaningful to be love making instead of just sex. I'd tried to forget about all the girls he'd been with and the few guys I'd been with. It was just us, Ian and Wanda.

As we continued to kiss I felt that burning feeling I'd felt the night we met, I wanted and needed more of him. I moved the skirt of my short dress up so I could straddle him.

He broke away for a moment, "Are you sure?" he asked almost reluctantly.

I nodded, "Ian. I've wanted to do this since the night we met you. But I had to know that I meant more to you than just another piece of ass."

He kissed me again, "You're so much more. You've got such a beautiful soul."

I grabbed his face and started to kiss him more fiercely; I grabbed his lower lip between my front teeth and pulled gently.

That got him going and he put his hands around my waist and went up the back of my dress to where the zipper was. He unzipped it and my body trembled with pleasure as his fingers touched my skin. He moved his lips away from my lips to go down my neck.

I arched my neck back in pleasure while my fingers moved to the buttons on his shirt. And I made quick work of them as he traced his fingers up and down my back and his lips made their way past my collar bone.

It wasn't long before I was dragging him up the stairs and into my parent's bedroom. In some part of my mind I savored how classic this was, having sex with my boyfriend in my parent's luxurious master bedroom.

Soon I was laying naked on the Egyptian cotton sheets while Ian laid on top of me just as equally naked. We gazed at each other's bodies and he said multiple times that I was beautiful. Then he showed me that he could be just as good with his hands as he was with his feet on the soccer field. I moaned and groaned his name as he made me feel wonderful.

Then it was my turn. I did my best to make him feel just as wonderful as he'd made me. Much to my surprise he didn't slip once. He moaned my name over and over. He never said any other girls names which surprised me, and aroused me. When he reached his limit we kissed and caressed until he climbed on top of me and we moved together.

It was strange; I could feel something deep inside me changing. I knew from that moment on that I was his. He had a hold of me and no matter what happened, he would always have me. And I found out after we were done for the night, that he felt the same.

"You know, I'm never going to be able to look at another woman ever again." Ian said moving his thumb against my shoulder.

I stroked my hand across he broad chest and moved in closer to him wrapping my left leg around his right one. "And why is that?"

He looked at me as I looked at him, "Because," he said, "Tonight made it official. I'm yours."

I snuggled my head more comfortably onto his shoulder, "Elaborate."

He cleared his throat, "Well, I knew from the night we met that I was hooked. I found myself hating the night it was, and hating that you knew. I'm sure it would have ended up like tonight." I smiled. "But since we waited and I got emotionally and mentally yours. Tonight was just the physical part. Now I'm all yours." He chuckled, "Even if you decide to dump me I'll always be there. And if you get married I'll be the hot love affair you have twice a year."

I looked up into his blue eyes, "In less I marry you. Then we'll be the best lovers in history. Sappy, lovesick writers will write stories about us." He nodded and then I settled my head on his chest and fell asleep to the sound of his heart.

"God, that man is so good with his-"

"Yea. I get it." she cut in. "Please don't finish that sentence sis."

I laughed, "You said I could always tell you anything."

She nodded, "Ok. Anything but your sex with Ian."

I felt myself frown. There was something in her tone, "Why do you make it seem like there will be more sex for us?"

She shrugged, "Because you guys are made for each other."

I sniffed and she looked up to see tears in my eyes, "If we're so made for each other why isn't he here?"

She stared at me, "Because you screamed at him to leave and never come back."

I put my head in my hands. I had done that, and I'd regretted it from the moment I bolted the front door. "I didn't mean it!" I sobbed. "All I want is for him to come home where he belongs."

She sighed and sat next to me on the bed. I buried my face into the comforter and I let my arms droop over the edge. I wasn't going to look at her, I didn't want her to feel bad for me, not that she already does. "Wanda." I didn't look up. "Wonderer." Still didn't look up. She took an audible deep breath. "Wonderer Stephanie Marie Stryder O'Shea!"

I looked up, my full name; she was committed "What?" I said in full pout mood.

"Why don't you stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something to change your situation. Be the first one to say I'm sorry. Or at least tell him you want to talk. I'll even text it for you. You both can't keep going on like this."

I frowned and propped myself up on my elbows, "Both of us going on like what?"

She rolled her eyes, "You are so depressed you bought a nail polish that is the same color as his eyes. Ian spends most of his time at the bar you guys met at. I swear if this goes on for one more month Jared and I are going to be arranging your guy's funerals. Because you guys will probably be so suicidal if this continues."

I looked down at the blankets; I had wanted to tell someone but at the same time I was too ashamed, I guess now was as good a time as any. "Mel. Don't get mad but…. I'm gonna tell you something."

"What is it?" she asked with a worried expression.

"I was shaving the other day and I kept cutting myself with the razor…. And…. It felt good."

She stared at me. I could almost hear her brain click, This was her last straw. I knew how she felt about cutting; she'd done a fabulous paper on it in senior year that had been published in a journal of some sort. She'd been so passionate about it ever since she did all that research, she wouldn't let this go.

"Wanda." she said lying beside me, "That's not a good thing. You have to do something about this separation before that becomes a regular thing."

I laid my head on the bed, "Nothing's changed you know…. The fire of my love for Ian is still burning big and bright. And even if it takes forever; I'm going to be here; waiting for him."

She took a deep breath; that still didn't excuse it in her mind "Wanda. If you want to cry then please cry. But promise me something."

I looked at her, "What?" like I didn't know what she was gonna ask.

"You won't cut yourself on purpose" She said staring me down, "and you won't mess up your nails."

I smiled, "Ok. I promise Mel. To both."

She smiled, satisfied, and knelt on the ground to finish my nails, "Everything will work out in the end. I promise."

I nodded. Sure it would. Maybe he would come home one day and tell me he still loves me, maybe he's thinking about me now? Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow to a purple sky and pigs flying past my windows. This was probably the time that I had zero optimism. It had been two months and he hadn't crossed the threshold into our house. He wasn't coming home.

I cried the rest of the time she was here. When she did leave I decided to go straight to bed. My nails were completely dry so I took a shower and then changed into a pair of pajama pants and spritzed Ian's shirt with some more cologne.

I crawled into bed and stared at the picture on Ian's nightstand. It's a picture of him in his soccer years after we got married. I'd taken that picture on the side lines the day they'd won the championship. He was about to make the winning goal. I grabbed his pillow and wrapped my arms around it inhaling his sent. And before I drifted to sleep at least for a few hours I whispered hoping my words would reach him where ever he was. "I love you Ian"

Wow right? Lots of memories and lots of stuff that brings tears to your eyes. I think I made this one longer because in 'The Host' you don't get to see much of Wanda being with Ian. You hear about her adjusting to Pet's body and you hear about her new life in the cave you even get the brief welding chapter (Which is my favorite chapter) but we never really get to see how she really feels, I think. But I did my best to make her the Wanda I imagined in this situation.