It had been a fortnight since the news of Waymar's disappearance. No one believed me when I said I felt his death. Why would they anyway? Even I started to feel those dreams fading and started to lose faith in them. I never saw the red eyed wolf in my dreams again, either. The one night it appeared in my mind was the night I was afraid to that, I wasn't afraid anymore. Since then, I haven't had any other dreams. Something was happening, though. I could feel it. Why had I gotten such a frightening dream every night for a week before they disappeared completely?
"Mad with grief." Maester diagnosed me. "Once she stops mourning her lost brother, she can resume normal activities." The more I insisted on the importance of what I saw and felt in my dreams, the more I was put off and soon I was mostly confined to my chambers, only escorted to the sept on occasion. Father and my brothers would take turns visiting me, asking if I felt better, how I was eating, whether I was sleeping enough. I felt like all I did was sleep. I was an open ravenry, waiting for a message to come to me. The only raven I received was from Ysilla. She heard of my event and was checking on me, extending an invitation to visit and get to know the family she would soon be married into. My response was attached to a note from Helliweg, declaring that I could visit as soon as I was better. I'll never get better. Life felt meaningless.
My days were dedicated to staring out my window into the common yard below. Watching the servants of the castle hurry around so busy. Watching their children play in the garden. Today, what was left of my family went out for a hunt. Considering the youngest son had died and the youngest daughter was mad, I couldn't blame them for wanting to take some time away. I wished I could take time away.
I let out a deep sigh turning away from the window. Septa was there, as usual. It seemed she never left. "What's troubling you?" She asked for the hundredth time that day. "May we visit the garden? I feel the need for fresh air." The way she looked at me was pitying, like looking at a stray kitten without it's mother.
"I suppose. But something must be done about your hair." She reached out to run her fingers through the dark curtain that lay limply to my waist. I moved away from her touch. "Never mind." I couldn't stand the thought of brushing, braiding and coiling my hair, dressing up in my light, beautiful fabrics and being a proper lady. Not anymore.
I never realized before just how redundant my life was. It seemed to be so busy and fulfilling. Going for rides with my brothers, singing to our people, having feasts for notable guests. Dancing and laughing with the other girls in our hall. But now that I was cooped in this room, for not dressing up and looking pretty like a lady, I realized just how easy life had moved on without me. I wasn't needed. I wasn't helpful. I didn't really matter. How could I not matter?
Tears were falling from my eyes again. Septa tsked and received a cloth for me to wipe my tears away. "Please leave me." I sniffled too loudly and Septa let out a sound of disappointment. I glared at her, "What?" She looked taken back by my tone, "Lady Erylla.." It was said almost as a warning. "Septa.." I spoke in the same tone with another loud sniff. "Leave me."
She shook her head, a bitter look in her eyes. "You need to pull yourself together. There are expectations of you and this is not how a young lady conducts herself." The door was shut behind her abruptly and I was finally alone. It wasn't as peaceful as I hoped it would be. My tears were hot and painful now, fueled by misery and anger. Ripping the bed sheets from my mattress, I just wanted to scream. Well, why don't I? A half-mad thought, but I listened to it. The sound erupted from me. I had never heard anything so loud, so furious. Septa bombarded back into my room. Her voice couldn't be heard over me.
Wrapping her arms around my shoulders, I had never felt an embrace like this from her. It was enough to stop my screaming, but not my crying. "Why won't anyone listen to me?!" I fell limp in her arms and she settled me on the bare mattress. "You think I'm mad. Everyone thinks I've lost my mind!"
She said nothing, but sat near me and stroked my hair, hoping the soft touch would calm me. A few silent moments later, Maester Helliweg entered the room with a sleeping solution. Part of me wanted to fight, but I knew it was futile. A chambermaid dressed my bed for me once again while Helliweg sat with me, patting my hand and coaxed me to drink. Obediently, I swallowed every drop of the warm liquid. He and Septa helped to walk me steadily to my downy bed. It felt so soft and cool. Like slipping into the water of a pond. I wanted to tell them to open the curtains and shutters over my window, to let the sun fall on me, but I was already drifting. Another dreamless sleep.
The next day, I woke and brushed my hair, braiding it myself. Septa was surprised to see me dressed appropriately when she entered my room. I gestured for her to tie my back-lace for me. She told me how proud and delighted she was to see me acting myself again. How was I to answer that? Of course I was acting myself, it was the only way to get out of that tower.
We prayed at the sept. After declining to sing for the morning mass, I lit a candle under the Stranger for my brother and prayed his body would be discovered. I needed to know how he died. I needed something to validate what I felt, what I saw. I lit a candle to the Crone, to help guide me. What should I do now? I couldn't go back to what I was before. Singing, dancing, stupid young lady. There was a cold within me now, and I had to stifle it or let it consume me. Please show me the way. I lit a candle for the Father and the Mother. I hoped they would not be ashamed of me. I hoped they would understand. Lastly, I lit a candle under the Maiden, to protect what was left of my innocence. Allow me to unburden my sorrows and smile again when things are good.
I finished my prayers and left the sept, sitting on the stone steps outside, waiting for the Septa to finish. "Lady Erylla, you will ruin your dress." She said. I stood and shook out the fabric, letting the dust and dirt fall away from me. "May we go to the garden next?" I asked. She sighed and tilted her head, "If we must. I think a better time would be after lunch. Is that permissible?" I agreed, although disappointingly. I thought just leaving the chamber would satisfy my restlessness. But I still felt trapped in the castle walls. The garden was the only place I could go and feel like I wasn't inside anymore. Trees grew freely here, with vines stretching up their trunks and falling from the outstretched branches. A small lake glittered in the sun, stones dotting a pathway from one side of the lake to the other.
Sadly, I turned towards the seamstresses shop and went on to sew some embroidery for a new dress, with other young maids as company. They chattered and gossiped with blushed faces and sparkly eyes. Occasionally, they would turn the conversation to me. With a smile, I would answer briefly, giving a small word or two of input. Almost immediately, they noticed I wouldn't be much of a conversationalist. They remained polite throughout, but eventually stopped including me in their discussion. It helped me focus more on my sewing, anyway. The border around the dress sleeves were almost perfect, I thought. Sighing, I set it down. "I wish to be excused." I stated to the seamstress. Without waiting for an answer, I rose from my seat and walked out the front door.
I felt as though I was drifting through the yard. Smells of spiced meat and bread were wafting from the kitchens. It would be lunch soon, I thought to myself. Septa will be coming to collect me from the seamstresses soon. I almost chuckled when I pictured her shocked face as she discovered I had left. She probably knew where I'd be headed though. Birds trilled in the treetops, but otherwise, the garden was silent and peaceful. The still water of the lake reflected the clouds in the sky. There was a small clearing where golden light shone on the green grass. At the center of this clearing was a white tree stump. This tree stump had been there as long as I can remember. The tree had been cut down many years ago, I couldn't tell you how long. I was surprised that the stump hadn't withered away into nothing; it was still incredibly sturdy. I wondered if it could grow again, even though it turned a dead white. I sat against it, soaking in the sunlight. Warm and gentle, the light stroked my face, my bare arms, the exposed parts of my lower legs. I was being cocooned in the silk of sunshine.
It was warm and humid, dark and green. A mossy scent hung in the air. I was gliding through a world I'd never seen before, but I had read of a place like this before. What was the word to describe this? A swamp. A dark flag hung limply on a stake before me. Fishermen were casting nets and spearing creatures of the river I was floating along. My sailing came to a stop, I stood from my seat on the boat. My footsteps clicked against the wood and then squelched into the mud. I had to pull my foot from each step. There it was. A large wooden circled wall, with five towers erected in equal distance around the circle. Who builds a castle in such a place? I thought to myself. Approaching the tower closest to me, I was met with a wooden ground. The gate from the tower was opening, a shadow on the other side. Suddenly, my vision turns black like the shadow, with a green symbol etching itself in the black.
"Lady Erylla!" Septa's scolding voice broke my day dream. My eyes opened, blurry and blinded by the golden light. She stood over me, a dark shadow, extending her hand to me. "I am speechless. Abandoning your duties to take a nap in the garden! Honestly! I just don't know what to say to your father about this." With the back of my hand, I rubbed the bleariness away from my eyes.`
"I'm very hungry, Septa. Can we have lunch taken to my chamber?" I asked, avoiding her stern gaze while taking her hand and steadying myself. A wind swept through the trees, carrying us out of the garden as Septa continued her disappointment lecture. I glanced back towards the white stump, where it seemed the wind had blown from. Something in my deep subconscious told me that maybe the stump wasn't as dead as I thought.