Please do read the end of chapter notes

Warnings: Implied rape and abuse, implied consensual sex

Chapter 4

Can't we get this charade over with?

It was quite a lucky occurrence that his appointment with Midorima and Kanako had been canceled at the last minute (for reasons he didn't remember or care about), because he wouldn't be able to move to save his life. There was not an inch of his body that wasn't sore and screaming in agony, and judging by the blood on the floor, he was probably torn inside. He wasn't sure if it was a good thing or a bad one that he was so used to this he now kept bottles of ointment all over the house, just in case he woke up incapable of moving (which seemed to happen awfully often these days.)

Toujiro hadn't always been the manic possessive, abusive monster that had left him naked, bruised and bloody on the living room floor. Or at least, he hadn't seemed like one when they'd first met at a gay bar in Nichoume a year and a half ago. Takao had been bouncing from one informal relationship to the next one for the past four years, but he still had some hopes to fall in love again and mend his broken heart. Toujiro was handsome, confident, intelligent and straightforward. He had a natural ability to flirt and fascinate, and for a full year he'd filled the bill for everything Takao expected from a boyfriend. He was a little rough in bed (in fact, he never quite liked having sex in the bedroom, he mostly preferred the couch, the table or his car), and he'd get overridden with jealousy very often, but Takao had been willing to turn a blind eye to it when everything else was working so well.

One day he was having lunch at Magi Burger when he saw his former senpais Miyaji and Ootsubo walk in. He waved at them cheerfully, they hadn't met in years and he hadn't spent much time with any of his friends recently, so he was thrilled to find some company.

"Hey, long time no see! What're you guys up to?"

It was nice to have someone to chat with. He realized he hadn't been socializing much since he started dating Touji and it was really great to catch up with his old friends. They talked about basketball, their relationships, college and their old classmates, and it was all healthy fun until Miyaji-senpai brought a new topic up.

"By the way, are you still in touch with Ace-sama? You guys were joined by the hip back then, I'm surprised you haven't mentioned him."

He'd managed not to think much about Shin-chan in the past couple of years. Of course he missed him, and his heart hurt remembering how everything ended, but he'd convinced himself that it had been just a teenager romance and that it had been doomed for failure anyway, so he'd tried his best to keep moving forward. Being with Touji seemed to have accomplished that much, or so he wanted to believe.

"Not really, I lost everyone's contact info when my phone fell in the river." He'd actually deleted Midorima's information out of spite when they broke up (and for half a year, every time he received a call from an unknown number, he'd secretly hoped it was Midorima, but it was never him), but they didn't need the specifics. "Why, is something up with him?"

"You wouldn't believe it!" Miyaji seemed excited. "That weirdass horoscope crazy selfish asshole actually landed a hot babe! Captain and I saw them the other day, didn't we?"

Ootsubo-senpai, quite more perceptive than Miyaji had ever been, just nodded faintly and looked at him apologetically, as if he understood why Takao had been trying to avoid the subject, and he probably did.

Takao was surprised to notice how hard it was to force a nonchalant smile on his face. It's been more than six years, Takao Kazunari, you should be able to take this and be fucking happy that he's moved on. He told himself, suddenly feeling his eyes sting a little. You've moved on too, this is ridiculous. His rational-self kept saying as his brain started flooding with images of Shin-chan holding a girl's hand with his strong, beautiful fingers; awkwardly caressing her hair (and how warm his hands would be, and how gentle his touch), blushing and looking her straight in the eye with a mixture of anxiety and embarrassment and whispering "I- I… I love you, just so you know."

And he realized he hadn't moved on at all.

Later that night, Toujiro decided he was in the mood for a booty call and came to visit unannounced, reeking of alcohol. Takao was not in the mood at all, but Toujiro hadn't cared.

"Don't be like that, Kazu, I'll make you feel real good."

Takao gave up, closed his eyes and lay limp with his stomach flat on the sofa, hoping this would be over soon. Toujiro liked rough sex, but Takao would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy it to some extent. When he started feeling good and warm he arched his back and dug his nails on the cushion. With his eyes closed, he remembered the feeling of large basketball-calloused hands stroking his cheek gently, warm emerald eyes looking at him full of passion, sweet, loving whispers coaxing him into ecstasy.

"Sh-Shin-chan…"

And that was when everything started to go wrong.

The next morning, his body bruised and sore, he'd tried to break up with Toujiro. No meaningful relationship could exist with the threat of violence hanging over his head, and someone who would resort to hurt him had no place in his life. But as he opened the apartment door after a final "Now get out" the other man had looked at him with a broken expression. He looked outraged –and Takao feared for his physical safety, especially since his mobility was extremely limited- but deeply miserable at the same time and he wouldn't move an inch. At first Takao was unsettled and thumbed his phone in case he needed to call the police, but before he realized it, he was kneeling and begging for forgiveness, because how could he abandon Touji who had been so nice to him, how could he blame him for reacting badly when Takao had been thinking of another man during sex? And he felt despicable and filthy and all he could do was promise he'd never try to break up again.

He'd hoped that Toujiro's violent streak would subside and that they would be able to leave that incident in the past, but he knew he was deluding himself. Although the "punishments" had become less harsh over the past six months, things would never go back to how they were before, but a part of him felt he deserved it and couldn't bring himself to put an end to it.

Then Shin-chan came back into his life and it had all been spiraling downwards since then.

A week later Midorima and Kanako met with Takao again to pick the interior decoration. Kanako had already chosen a European-looking cathedral (even though none of them was catholic and neither was the priest performing the ceremony) as the location, but she wanted Takao to help choose the decorations for the ceremony as well as the reception, how to arrange the guests, which colors to use and a long etcetera that Takao hoped could be sorted out quickly. Toujiro had visited last night to make sure he didn't meet Midorima without being properly branded and he hadn't had time to heal from last week, so he was doing his best not to limp.

This time they visited about a dozen shops to choose the furniture and fittings for the salon. Takao had been worried that, considering how she took 9 hours to choose the godforsaken flowers, she'd probably take an entire week picking every piece of furniture, but she actually made up her mind relatively quickly. During lunch she kept gushing excitedly about the Versailles-inspired golden decorations and rococo furniture. For someone of such refined upbringing, Kanako sure had some cheesy tastes, he thought.

"Oh, this looks lovely, doesn't it?" she said as she flipped through the pages of a wedding magazine, focusing on a photograph of a man kneeling in front of a woman and offering her an engagement ring. "I always dreamed of being proposed to but Shin-chan's proposal wasn't exciting at all."

Takao kind of hoped Midorima would put an end to this conversation, but the green-haired doctor had totally tuned out. Even if it hadn't been a romantic proposal, Takao didn't want to hear about it. She was engaged to Shin-chan, the most beautiful tsundere to ever grace the face of the Earth, what else did she want? If she was going to marry Shin-chan, she should know how hard it was for him to be romantic.

"I'll tell you the truth, Kazu-chan, it's not like we're all lovey dovey like you and Tou-chan, you know? This is just a formal business transaction." She said as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Takao would've chuckled at the notion of him and Toujiro being "lovey dovey", but he couldn't afford that when his ribs were so badly wounded.

"We had a marriage interview and after Shin-chan returned from his internship in America, his father sent a letter to mine saying they would like to formalize the agreement. And bam, we got engaged." She sounded pretty disenchanted by the whole thing, not that he could blame her. Takao was surprised. He hadn't failed to notice Midorima's lack of enthusiasm for this ordeal, but he thought it was more that he was annoyed by Kanako's love of fanfare, rather than a general lack of investment in this "business transaction" as Kanako had called it.

"I mean, it's not like I wanted something romantic, but I kind of hoped for something that didn't feel like I was being sold like a piece of meat attached to a large fortune. No offense, Shin-chan." She sighed. Midorima wasn't paying attention to the conversation at all.

"Oh well. At least Shin-chan is very handsome, we'll have very beautiful children no doubt. One of my friends married some middle-aged politician, but he's so ugly she refuses to sleep in the same bedroom, isn't that sad?"

Extremely sad, indeed, Takao thought. He'd tried to delude himself to believe Shin-chan was happy now, with his upcoming marriage to a smart and beautiful girl, because he was supposed to be supportive and happy for his former partner, but it hurt him to know that the green-haired man was just settling for whatever his family had found convenient, even if that wouldn't make him happy. Had he at least tried to find a girl he liked or had he just given up to his parents' wishes? Most likely the latter. He wanted to grab the prodigious shooter by the collar of his white shirt and tell him to grow a pair and take the risk of finding his own happiness, but he realized it would be hypocritical coming from someone who couldn't even escape an abusive relationship, so he kept that thought to himself.

"Well, many couples that get married through an arrangement manage grow fond of each other with time, isn't it? I'm sure it will be the same with you two, I have no doubts about it."

"You're such a sweetheart, truly. I can't fathom how Shin-chan would let go of such a wonderful friend like you. It's so lucky that you guys have reconnected, isn't it?"

That was so unintentionally unfunny Takao thought he would cry.

Takao was about to come up with an excuse to avoid an encore of last week's horrible car drive with Midorima, but before he could open his mouth, the green-haired doctor was already bossing him around and shoving him into the car. He wasn't quite sure of how it happened, to be honest.

After they'd dropped Kanako off at her place, Midorima drove in silence for about ten minutes before stopping the car in a random location.

"Are you okay?"

The question took him off-guard. Where did that even come from? Takao dreaded to think Midorima had noticed his limp, or maybe even one of the cuts and bruises from Toujiro's latest visit. He had a particularly nasty gash that was just barely covered by the collar of his jacket and he had no way of making an excuse of it. And he couldn't tell Shin-chan that Toujiro had thought it would be exciting to hold a knife to his throat while he forced himself on him.

"I'm fine, why do you ask?"

Midorima obviously wasn't buying that.

"You could barely walk today. Your clothes are too heavy for this time of the year too. You're hiding something, aren't you?"

Takao's heart skipped a beat. Recently, every time Toujiro assaulted him, a part of his mind would wander and start hoping Shin-chan would come to save him. Like a knight in a shining armor, he'd blast through the door, lift him in his arms and carry him to safety on his shiny white horse. He'd be warm and happy, back in the embrace of the man he loved, where he belonged. But Toujiro would pull him by the hair and force him to look at himself in the mirror "see how disgusting you are" and he realized he didn't want Shin-chan to see him humiliated and defiled like that. Things were bad enough already, the best he could hope for was that he wouldn't have to meet Shin-chan again after the wedding and his life would recover some semblance of normalcy.

"It's nothing, I crashed my bike yesterday and my legs hurt like a bitch, but it's nothing serious." Midorima seemed utterly unconvinced. He probably knew Takao didn't even own a bicycle, but he was done with this argument. "Say, Midorima, can't we just get this charade over with? None of us likes the situation, is it really necessary to make ourselves more miserable like this? Just let me get off the car already, Kanako-san will never know."

Through the corner of his eye, Takao noticed Midorima flinch, as if he'd been physically hurt by Takao's rejection.

Midorima wasn't really sure of what had hurt more: that Takao was lying to him so shamelessly, or that this was the first time he called him by his last name only. This was their first attempt at a conversation (aside from that time Takao asked him about the wedding date), and it stung more than he expected it to.

He remembered that when they first met he would get so annoyed when Takao called him 'Shin-chan',but as time passed and their friendship evolved into something else, the nickname had become so dear to him his heart tingled when he heard it. It had grown to be something precious they shared, it belonged only to them. He hated it when Kanako started to call him like that too. It was as if she tarnished something that was sacred to him.

He didn't speak another word and kept driving. Just like the previous time, having this moment alone with Takao had somehow given him faint hopes that they could talk things out, figure out what had gone wrong between them. But the coldness in Takao's clear eyes seemed to be telling him to not even bother. And still, every now and then, he felt the words trying to force their way out of his mouth: Why did you leave me? I miss you. I'm sorry. I still love you. I love you. He had to bite his lip to keep them from spilling out.

He stopped the car in front of Takao's building. Before the shorter man could get out of the car, he held him by the wrist and looked him firmly in the eyes.

I love you.

The silence was tense. Midorima thought his heart was pounding so loudly he might go deaf.

"If you need anything you'll tell me, right?"

They both seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. Or maybe disappointment. He couldn't really tell.

Takao forced a half smirk on his face. "Yeah, sure" he said dismissively, getting off of the vehicle without saying goodbye. When the car disappeared into the distance, he touched his wrist tentatively, feeling the lingering warmth of Shin-chan's hand. If only he could have frozen that moment…

He turned around and saw light coming from his apartment's window. The faint joy that Midorima's touch had given him was quickly replaced by a grim smirk.

To be continued

Before I get to the notes there's some serious thoughts I wanted to run through you guys. I'm currently doing research to write my dissertation in hopes that I can get my college degree in less than a year. Thing is most if not all of the books I need are not published in my country so I'll have to import them and that's expensive. My financial situation is dire to say the least, if I didn't live with my mom I'd be in the streets, but I can't ask her to pay for my school stuff when each book is at 40 bucks if I'm lucky. I do some freelance translation work and occasionally tutor high school kids, but job offers aren't raining at my door and I'm going through a particularly dry period.

The above being said, I'd been thinking about setting a account as a fanfiction writer (because that's kind of the only creative thing I'm capable of). is a site where you can make small donations to independent content creators to show your support or appreciation of their work. I've never liked the idea of monetizing my fanfiction work because the characters don't belong to me, but I'm kind of desperate here. So I wanted to ask you the readers what you think about this. It wouldn't mean you'd have to pay to read my stories, that's something I'd never do, but more like, you guys could choose to support me if you think my stories are good enough. I'd have to come up with some perks for patrons (send me a prompt/ship and I'll write it for you or smth), I'm open to suggestions because I'm bad at coming up with that kind of stuff. Of course if you guys think I shouldn't do it, I won't press the issue. Just really want to hear your thoughts about it.

Back to the chapter, when I wrote this, the 50 Shades craze was in full boom and I ran across many write-ups describing the abusive aspects of the main relationship and how some readers found they mimicked their own real experiences with abuse, and I used it as an inspiration, especially to portray how Touji manipulates Takao and brain-washes him into believing he's all those horrible things he says. If anyone feels like I'm making an offensive portrayal of abuse, please let me know, I take this whole thing very seriously and if anything I wrote sounds ignorant I'll fix it.

Anyway, thanks for reading, as always I appreciate any comment and thanks for everyone who's faved and reviewed, you guys brighten my days.