Chapter 13

"What, exactly are you trying to say Dean? You're saying Dad had a kid before he met mom. Is that what you're telling me?"

"You've been begging for the truth Sam, here it is. You sure you really want to hear it? Guess it's not what you thought it was, is it. You've been begging for answers your whole life, guess it's time you found out."

Dean took a deep breath before he began. "Dad was seventeen. A bunch of his friends went to prom together as a group. Lou's mom was a friend of a friend in the group. Her and Dad must have hit it off, because one thing obviously led to another, and, well I think you can figure out the rest. They hung out for most of the summer after, nothing serious, but in the fall, she left. Dad didn't know where she'd gone too. She was just gone, and she didn't even say goodbye."

"Her parents sent her away to live with her grandparents when they found out she was pregnant. She lived there until Lou was born. They were gonna force her to give Lou up for adoption, so she just took off with her. Guess that wasn't an option."

"When her mom died in that fire, Lou's obvious next of kin would be her father. That was Dad. You know what was going on then, and it took them three months to track Dad down. Dad didn't know what to do with another kid, hell, he couldn't figure out what to do with us, so he dumped her off on Pastor Jim."

Sam interjected his first question," Why didn't Dad tell us Dean? Why would he keep that from us?"

"Did you miss the part about her mom dying in a fire Sam?"

"You're not saying what I think you're saying, are you?"

"May 2, 1984. That was the day of that fire. That was the day her mom died. That date ring a bell?"

Sam didn't answer, he didn't need to. Dean just continued.

"Dad knew our whole family was a target, but he didn't know from what, not yet, anyway. So he kept the fact that she was family to himself. The only other person that knew was Pastor Jim. And nobody could keep a secret like that guy."

Sam's question number two, "If all this was so top secret, how the hell did you find out? If Dad didn't tell you, and Jim didn't, how do you know all this? You know they both would've taken it to their graves."

"They did take it to their graves. Do you remember how much time we used to spend at Jim's? Dad always wanting to stay there, always dumping us off there. It was the closest thing to a home we had. And every time we were there, Dad and Jim would argue. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. Her learning to fight, hunt, school, guys she was dating, clothes she wore, crap like that."

"So, you were listening to them? You were spying, Dean?"

"Not my fault they couldn't argue quietly. I knew something wasn't right, but I knew for sure the night they had the big blow up. When it was time for her to leave for school. Dad and Jim fought about that for weeks. Dad said she had to go, Jim said she was an adult and could do whatever she wanted. Dad finally said 'She's my daughter Jim, and if I say she goes, she goes.' And that was that."

"I may have only been eleven, but I wasn't stupid. I knew exactly what Dad said. And I got mad. Mad that nobody told us. We deserved to know, didn't we?"

Sam had an epiphany. "Is that what has been stuck up your ass for the last seventeen years? And if it is, why are you mad at Lou? If you should be mad at anyone, you should be mad at Dad. He was the one that kept that a secret."

"Do you remember how we used to tell each other everything, Sam? We had no secrets between us. Then I found out we did, and it was a big one. I understand why Dad never told. He wanted to keep all of us safe, and he never told us shit anyway. But we trusted each other with everything, Why couldn't she trust me with this secret? I would have kept it Sam. Hell, I did keep it for seventeen years, never told anyone that I knew the truth."

"Maybe you should have Dean? Did the thought ever occur to you that she didn't say anything because she didn't know? Maybe she didn't tell you because she couldn't."

"She knew Sam. Dad made her swear she'd never tell, just like Jim. He told her it could get her killed. He told her nobody could ever know she was a Winchester. And nobody ever said a word. Don't you think that was a little harsh?"

"So, you turn against her for doing something you've been doing your entire life?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Dean didn't know where Sam was going with this one.

"Obeying Dad's orders, Dean. She followed Dad's order, just like you always did. How can you fault her for that?"

"It's different Sam."

"How is it different? He gave you an order, you followed it. He gave her an order, she followed it. Seems pretty cut and dry to me and pretty hypocritical of you."

"There's a big difference between Dad ordering me on a salt and burn, or Dad sending me coordinates, or telling me to look out for you or telling me to deny my family and my name. It's apples and oranges, Sam."

"Not in John Winchester's mind. And she was just a kid, and so were we. You can't blame her for any of this."

"Well, I can, and I did, and there's nothing I can do about it now."

"Yes there is Dean. You can swallow your macho Winchester pride, and apologize for being a prick for over half your life. Maybe, just maybe, you can forgive each other, and start over. I'm not saying any of this is right, but it's not anyone's fault either."

"You make it sound so easy Sam."

"That's because it is Dean. And we've got a lot to apologize for. We had each other when we lost Dad, but she had no one. Here, I thought I was just calling her to let her know as a courtesy, since she was so close to Dad. Do you know how I feel to know I was calling her to tell her yhay her father was dead. And who did she have Dean? Nobody. And you knew that, and still said nothing. We could have been there for each other, but because of your misguided anger, she was alone. Her family is gone Dean, all of it. You don't think she would have welcomed us in?"

"You wanna pack me my bags before you send me on the guilt trip Sam?"

"And who was there for her when she lost her family, Dean? Dad lost a grandson, you lost a nephew, but she lost everything. The only known family she had was gone in one night. And I didn't even know I had a nephew. Do you know how much that would have meant to me? But that's not her fault. That's Dad's fault."

"Sam, there's more."

"What do you mean, there's more? How much more can there be?"

"The accident. It wasn't an accident. And that, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know. Dad checked it out, had some kind of proof, but never told her. She was supposed to be in that car, and if she had been, all three of them would be dead. He was sure it was that yellow eyed bastard. If we hadn't been there Sam, who knows what would have happened. Maybe they wouldn't have been killed at all. Maybe they would have been left alone. They weren't a threat, so why take them out? Maybe it was my fault. If we hadn't shown up when we did…"

"And maybe all your head injuries over the years have given you brain damage? How could any of this be your fault? You've got to stop blaming yourself for everything. You can't always carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, Dean. It's just too damn heavy. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. That bastard wants me for some reason, and will kill anyone that gets in his way."

"You two jackasses need to stop blaming yourselves, and put the blame where it's due," That voice was unmistakable.

Sam acknowledged him first, "Bobby? What are you doing here?"

"I was listed as next of kin, but I guess that's not entirely true now, is it?"

"How much of that did you hear?"

"Enough to tell me why I always wondered why she looked so much like your daddy. I guess I don't need to ask what the hell the two of you are doing here, do I Dean?" He gave Dean the once over with his eyes, and just shook his head.

Rolling his eyes in his wheelchair, Dean answered "No sir, I guess not."

"I'll be down the hall, I guess I got some papers to fill out. Want me to sign a DNR. Don't know what the hell I need to sign it for, it's in her living will for cry eye."

"THEY WANT YOU TO SIGN A WHAT?" Dean was more than mildly panicked by that revelation.

"You heard me boy, I didn't stutter."

"You can't do that?"

"And why not? It was her choice Dean, not mine. I'm just honoring her wishes. And she ain't dead yet anyway, so what're ya all worked up about."

"Bobby, please, you can't sign that. Not yet. Just wait until tomorrow. If she isn't better, or if she's worse, then sign, but not now Bobby, please? Just give her a small chance."

Bobby couldn't stand to hear Dean beg. "Alright, for your sake, I'll wait 'til tomorrow. But someone's gonna start explaining to me what the hell is going on here, tonight."

Sam told Bobby everything, starting from the beginning, and tried his best not to leave anything out. He told his tale quickly, not really wanting to relive any of it a second time. He was mentally exhausted, and there wasn't much more he could take. When he'd finished, Bobby stated what should have been the obvious to both hunters, had their minds not been so clouded.

"Either one of you got your heads on enough to figure out what to tell the cops? And what about this Iris broad? Cops are gonna start askin' questions, either one of you geniuses got any answers?" Bobby was always an expert at damage control.

Sam looked bewildered for just a moment then copped some attitude before responding, "Aw, shit Bobby, the thought never crossed my mind, with trying to save Lou's life and all, you know, guess I didn't have my priorities quite straight, did I?"

"Don't take that tone with me boy. I'm trying to look out for you, not bring you down. Do you want my help or not?"

"Bobby, whatever you can do to take care of this, we'd be more than grateful. I don't think either one of us can right now," Dean replied, trying to cut off Sam's brief tirade.

Bobby shook his head in acknowledgement, knowing that was Dean's way of apologizing for his brother's outburst. "Tell me where I can find this barn. I'll take care of it. You two just play stupid if the cops show up. That shouldn't be too hard for you to do, Dean."

"Hey.."

"You haven't left here in days, right. How the hell could you know what was going on?"

"Oh yeah, right."

"Sam, all you know it that this Iris chick asked you to meet her, and it was all over by the time you got there. You found Lou like that, and Iris was gone. That's all you know, you got it?"

"I got it. Bobby, what are you gonna do?"

"Don't worry about it, I got it covered. The less you know, the better. Now, give me some directions, and if anyone asks, you never saw me. I think you boys have some issues to work out, and you don't need me hanging around while you do. I'll be back when I'm done."

"Thanks. I don't know what we'd do without you Bobby."

"Me either."

When Bobby was gone, Sam tried to pick up where they'd left off. "What do we do now, Dean? We can't just go on pretending we don't know anything."

"Why not? It's what Dad wanted."

"No Dean, Dad wanted to hide the fact that there was another Winchester. And what Dad wanted is NOT what we wanted. And in case you hadn't noticed, Dad's gone. Keeping this all a secret didn't protect a damn thing. No matter what we do, bodies keep piling up. Mom, Lou's mom, Dad, Jess, Pastor Jim, Caleb, Rick, Jason, how many more? We need to stick together Dean, we're all we have left."

"I don't think I can Sam, I don't think I even know how."

"Well, just stop being an asshole, that'd be a good start. You two are so much alike. Tough on the outside, soft on the inside. But that inside is surrounded by brick walls, and dynamite couldn't even bring them down. And you've both got a lot of buried pain. You may not like each other, but you do love each other, and you could try to respect each other. And maybe, you can build from there."

Dean just sat silent, listening to every word Sam said. God, he hated it when Sam was right. All his anger had washed it's way out as he finally purged himself of the secret he'd carried for all these years. The realization finally striking him for the first time. Even HE hadn't known until today why he'd been so bitter. He'd buried it so deep and refused to think about it he just forgot, and let the anger take over. Until he released it to Sam. He hoped now that he could get beyond it. He actually thought he wanted to.

"Dean, we have to tell her the truth about Rick and Jason. She deserves to know. We can't keep it from her."

"Oh yes we can Sam. What good will it do to tell her. They're dead, and it's only gonna make it hurt more. Just let it go Sam."

"But Dean, you're the one that said no secrets, remember. How long have you been keeping that one? As much as it may hurt, she needs to know everything."

"I can't tell her Sam. I just can't. You weren't there. You didn't see her. She never cried, never showed any emotion at all. It was scary, like she was dead inside. I don't know how she'd take it."

"What did you expect Dean? She had nobody to turn to. Do you think she could grieve with Dad? She definitely couldn't do it with you."

"She did grieve with Dad, in their own way. I saw it Sam, and I couldn't share in it. And that hurt even more." Dean hoped he caught the stray tear that ran down his face before Sam saw it. He failed.

"If you won't tell her, then I will. I know it will break her heart, but if she finds out we knew, that makes us no better then Dad. The secrets have to stop Dean, all of them."

"I know Sam"

The rest of the night was spent in silence, both brothers too deeply lost in their own thoughts to speak.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Dean, are you ok?" Sam gently shook his brother's arm.

Dean was breathing heavily, still sitting in the chair next to Lou's bed. He hadn't moved all night, and the pain in his back had reached well beyond intolerable hours ago. But Sam had fallen asleep, sitting up, his head resting gently on the other side of the bed. And Dean had no intentions of waking him up, even if it meant suffering the rest of the night. And suffer he did.

"I'm fine Sam."

"No your not. You're breathing like you just ran a marathon, your face is as white as rice, and you're shaking like a freshman on her first date with the quarterback of the varsity team. Do not tell me you're fine."

"Sam, please..."

"No Dean, you need to get out of that chair, and back into your bed. You heard the doctor tell you not to sit like that for very long. It's been hours, hell, it's so late in the morning, it's almost afternoon. You're going back to your room, and that's final."

Sam got up and walked out of the room, not even paying attention to whether Dean responded or not. They'd been at that bedside all night, and other then the nurses coming in to check on Lou, none of them ever disturbed him or Dean. And Sam knew damn well that unless someone made him, Dean had no intentions of leaving.

He returned with Dr. Scott and a nurse. He wasn't playing fair now, he brought reinforcements.

"Good morning Dean. How are you feeling?"

"With my hands, Doc."

He feigned amusement at the comment. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave for a while. I need to examine my patient in private, HIPAA regulations, you understand? I'm sure you'll be just fine in your room until I'm done. Why don't you let Nurse Lisa and Sam get you into bed for a while. Then, maybe you can come back later."

"How about if Sam and I just wait out in the hall? How long can your exam take?"

"I think it's going to take some time. You really should head back to your room for now. You know, I think I have a standing order from your previous doctor, something about some Haldol, or Thorazine, I think."

"You wouldn't."

"Yes, I would. The nice Nurse Lisa is going to give you some Demerol now, and you are going to go get some sleep. I think by tomorrow morning, we may even be able to move you to a private room, unless you have a relapse of some kind," Dr. Scott winked at Dean.

Sam knew exactly what he meant. And Sam knew if Dean got moved off this floor, Dean would check himself out, no ifs, ands, or buts. And Sam wasn't letting that happen. Dean was not ready to leave the hospital yet, not by a long shot.

"Hey doc, you know, I think he's still got a fever. He may need to stay here a few more days, just in case."

"Why Sam, you may be right. If he gets into bed, maybe I can arrange that. If not, we may need to move him out. What do you say Dean?"

"You guys suck." And he sat there, in pain, sulking like a child.

Sam started wheeling his brother towards the door, when Dr. Scott stopped him. Bending down and whispering to Dean, "I know more then you think I do, and I understand why you don't want to leave, but you are not going to neglect yourself, because if I let you, I'll have to deal with her later. You ever see a hungry pit-bull with a piece of raw meat? I'd be the meat. You understand?"

"You don't gotta tell me." And with that, Sam wheeled him out.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Bobby finally returned sometime that afternoon, his mission a complete success. He said absolutely nothing. What the Winchesters didn't know couldn't get them in trouble. He found Sam in Lou's room, alone, just staring into space.

"Sam, you ok?"

Sam hadn't noticed the man walk in until he spoke to him. Shaking his head, he looked over at Bobby, sighed, and answered. "I think so."

"I miss anything? Where's Dean?"

"Back in his room. He'll be there a while, they drugged him up pretty good. Sitting in that chair all night did a number on him."

"Leave it to Dean. The master of self punishment. Doc been here lately?"

"Yeah, no change, but I guess that's good. Things aren't' much better, but at least they aren't worse."

"That's a start."

"Hey Bobby, did you know any of this?"

"Nope. Suspected, but never knew for sure. We all did. Your daddy was way too protective of her. I think that's why he sent her away. Figured if she was far from this life, she'd be safe. Guess he was wrong."

"Do you think that's why he never told us?"

"Sam, I never tried to figure out what John Winchester thought. There aren't enough breaths in a lifetime for that. If I had to guess though, keeping you separate meant keeping at least one of you alive."

"But wouldn't all have been safer together?"

"How much safer could you all have been? John protecting you two, Jim protecting her? They couldn't get to you all. And by the time you were all grown up, you'd learned pretty well how to protect yourselves."

"Maybe that's why they just go after the people we love, because they can't get to us."

"Maybe. You'll probably never know though."

"You're probably right. You think she's gonna be ok?"

"She comes from good stock, doesn't she?"

"Yeah. You sign that paper?"

"Nope. Not my place, I'm not family."