Chapter 4

I look down at Grace, who fortunately is still sleeping very soundly. And then I start to realize how much Grace has grown within the past year and a half that I have been away. Her once dirty blonde hair has now become more of a caramel brown with age, and lack of being in the sun. It has grown to be longer and thinner. Her face was once fine and gentile and now it's rough and tough, and she has become thinner from being out in Deering Highlands for over a year trying to fend for herself. Underneath all of these physical aspects, that have changed with age and lifestyle I realize only one thing has remained.

Her look of pureness and innocence is still there.

I reach for the opening of the tent and walk out into the sunlight. The sun blinds me as I stare at it. The camp is busier than usual since all of the new Invalids are getting organized. The higher up Invalids left earlier this morning to go finish up business in Portland, and then I see her. Her blonde hair, her thin face, she survived the bomb. It's Hana. My mind is taken off finding Julian and a swelling rage of anger fills my mind. She's the one that practically ruined my life, caused me and Alex to be separated, caused this whole issue with Julian, and Alex's suffering in the Crypts. If she never had told on me and Alex none of the things that have complicated my life would have happened. I would be living happily with Alex right now. Why is she even here I thought she was cured. I quickly turn away hoping she didn't see me and get my mind back together on the task at hand, find Julian. I can worry about Hana later.

I see him across the camp my heart starts thudding. I can hear it now as I make my way towards him, and I feel it coming out of my chest and I am almost positive everyone sees it too. I don't even know how to talk to him anymore. I don't know how to express what I am feeling inside. The feeling of complete and utter terror runs through my body. What if I crush his heart? What if he hates me? But it's too late to run back to the safety of the tent because I already tapped him on the shoulder.

He rapidly turns around from my touch and pulls me in for a hug "Oh thank God, Lena. Where have you been for the past day I called your name at you several times?" Through his tone I can tell he is hurt, sad, and possibly angry everything I have feared, but I have to do this for my sanity.

I pull away from him and look into his eyes, "Look Julian we need to talk in private…" I trail off.

"It has to do with Alex doesn't it?"

I don't respond. I am in shock how did he know. But then again what can I expect. Ever since Alex mysteriously showing up from the dead I guess he has always feared this day would come.

"Doesn't it?" A swell of anger comes over him and I can see tears starting to form in his eyes.

"Look I really don't want to talk about this in front of the whole camp. Please can we talk over there?" I point to the outer end of the camp.

"I knew it! I could see the way he looked at you! The look of desperation for you!" he yells loudly. His anger actually scares me. I have never seen him like this. I have always seen him as always being so innocent plagued by the lies society has told us inside the walls of our cities. But then again we aren't inside the city anymore we haven't been for months, we are in the Wilds. Like they say the Wilds can transform someone.

"Please…" I grab his arm affectionately "Let me explain"

"Fine!" He grabs my arm and walks me over to a tree. He swirls be around behind the tree and my back slams into the tree. It actually hurt. I didn't realize how much strength Julian possessed. He is looking at me with this angry face. Julian is really scaring me know. The way he grabbed my arm was not nice or affectionate. It was something dark and nasty.

"So explain then!" He continues in a dark voice that has overcome him.

I am trying to find words while not being scared out of mind , but it's no use now trying to comfort him. He is like a new person, completely transformed into this angry, hurt, dark person that isn't Julian. "When I met you…. I had just lost Alex…. I thought he was dead…. I guess when I met you and I started having a relationship with you it reminded me of what… me and Alex once had…"

He grabs my arms tightly against the tree and cuts in with anger in his voice, "So I was just someone to fill your broken heart? Huh, is that what I was?"

"No, Julian you were so much more, but when Alex came back I began to realize what I really missed and…. it was him."

"So I absolutely meant nothing to you! Did I? I was a pawn basically! Whose gonna fill my broken heart?" He grabs my arms tighter.

This made me angry. How dare he say I used him as a pawn! I didn't! This wasn't some game in order to get Alex back, but I keep my voice steady, soft, and gentle. That's all I can do after all. "Julian I never meant to hurt you…And you weren't a pawn I never meant to use you. I did like you, but I don't love you," finally the words come out the words I have been meaning say. That I don't love him.

Julian's rage settles down, but now he is filled with a kinder, sadder face, "Fine go live with Alex. Love him, but don't talk to me. Don't even look at me," He lets go of my arms and walks away.

I rub my arms. My arms have little marks where his nails dug into me. I am so relieved that I finally told him, but I also feel so guilty. I guess he was right I did sorta use him to fill the void that Alex left behind when I thought he was gone, but it was for the best it had to be done. I start walking my way back to my tent to see how Grace is and when I walk in I find Alex there.

"Lena!" Grace screams happily.

"Hi Grace" I lean down to give her a hug. Grace must have woken up while I was gone, and Alex came in to check on her. That's so sweet of him unless he had another motive he was looking for me and just stumbled in on Grace.

"What happened to your wrists, Lena?" Alex asks concernly.

I release Grace, who then leaves to go with the newer Invalids, and I calmly say, "Nothing there fine I am fine"

"No your not look at your wrists there almost bruised. Wait Julian did this to you didn't he?"

"Well…"

"He did! This guy is going to get hurt no one and I mean no one hurts you Lena!"

I put my hand on his chest as he is about to walk out the tent in an effort to stop him. "Its fine Alex, please don't start a fight." He looks down at me with those big of eyes of his and we embrace each other for a bit. He tucks a strand of my brown hair behind my ear, and pulls me in for hug. I know though, deep in his mind he is going to fight Julian and defend me, and there is no doubt in my mind Julian will fight back as well.