Sorry for my absence I have a lot going on lately and the winter season has really made me depressed, so writing hasn't really been on my mind. That being said, I've had this done for awhile. I'll be update more in the spring, I promise. My spring break is in two weeks so expect more from me.

I really want this chapter be really good, because it's Usagi's chapter and it has to explain a lot, you know? That being said, I put Usagi in a *really* dark place. Because I think a piece of her was lost, and it'll get a little dark. That being said, if you feel that darker themes can trigger you.. Do not feel bad if you must stop reading this story. I would rather you stay in a good mental place than read my story.

WARNING(s) (THEY'RE ACTUALLY KINDA IMPORTANT THIS TIME): Suicidal thoughts, as I sad Usagi is in a dark place in this chapter and if that triggers you please do not read, also mentions of sexual content- it doesn't GO there (no enough to change the rating) but it's heavily implied.

"Everyone you've ever loved has left you, over and over.." The voice chuckled.

"I know." She answered, voice like steel. "I know that."

"But yet you keep making them come back, you make them stay with you. Even though you know it will ultimately lead to their destruction...their death." The voice continued, "you're a selfish girl, Usagi Tsukino."

Despite the putrid heat that surrounded her, she felt eerily cold once she processed those words. The voice was coming from all around now, and she wasn't entirely sure who to answer to anymore. She simply shook her head, clenching her fists and looking down.

"Your soul-mate had left you in order to ensure your protection and you can't even do the same to him?" The voice questioned, with mock interest. "You insist on having him chained to you, even though you know deep down.. He'll never love you like Endymion loved Serenity."

Her breath hitched at the words. Her deepest insecurity- and it was put out on the table.. Right in front of her. She shook her head, trying to find the right words. "He loves me." She said lamely.

"How do you know?"

"He- He does." Usagi whispered.

"Whose to say he won't find someone prettier, smarter, kinder.." The voice listed. "Someone who won't put his life in danger. Someone who can protect themselves."

"Please.." She was begging now.

"After all, Usagi Tsukino, everyone you love has died." The voice repeated. "So whose to say, he won't die for you again. Only this time, he may never come back.."

Usagi

She rolled out of bed with a yell, falling to the floor in a heap of blankets and flailing limbs. She looked at the ceiling, glassy-eyed and breathing heavy. It took her a minute to register that she was fine. She was at home, everyone was fine.. Although the voices from the nightmare were still raging in her head.

It took another moment to realize her stomach was turning viciously, and there was a lump in her throat.

She hurried to stand, almost tripping on her own feet as she hurried down the hall and to the bathroom- where she fell to her knees in front of the toilet, throwing up the remainder of her dinner that night.

She gasped as she backed up, leaning against the wall and trying to catch her breath, but all that came out were breathless sobs. Her chest felt constricted, and her head was spinning with the voices of her nightmares. It was repeating itself over and over, and she felt like she was going to go mad.

This was a panic attack she was sure of it.

"Get a hold of yourself." She mumbled, smacking herself gently with her fist. "Get a hold of yourself. It was just a dream... Just a dream."

'But was it?' A part of her asked. Was it really a dream when it rang with so much truth? Mamoru did deserve better than her. He could get better than her, and who was to say one day he wouldn't just realize that and not settle for someone as useless and painfully average-looking as she was.

How many times had he saved her? How many times had she watched him die, the light from his eyes fading and his beautiful soul leaving his body to find some place she couldn't reach.

He had been willing to give her up.. When his nightmares were warning him of her death, he had been willing to give her up. But she wouldn't do the same to him. He had died in her arms before, and she couldn't be selfless enough to unchain him and let him go.

What was her reason for keeping him chained like this?

"Usagi?" A small voice said on the other side of the door, knocking gently. It was Chibi-Usa. "Usagi, are you alright? Did you have a bad dream again?"

An answer to her question. Chibi-Usa. If Mamoru and Usagi weren't together, Chibi-Usa would cease to exist. This was a fact that both reassured and hurt Usagi even more. Mamoru had to stay with her. Even if it was out of obligation.. He had to stay with her.

That hurt Usagi more than she would care to admit.

Usagi sighed and leaned her head against the wall tile. "I'm fine Chibi-Usa.." She said, although her weak voice said otherwise. "I just.. Don't feel well."

"I'm coming in." Chibi-Usa snapped.

Before Usagi could protest, Chibi-Usa opened the door- hurrying in and shutting it behind her. She took one look at Usagi and her face went from obvious aggravation, to something Usagi rarely saw on Chibi-Usa's face when it came to her..

Sympathy.

Of course, she was a sight. Pajama shirt falling off of her arm from her recent weight loss, dark circles around her glassy eyes, messy hair, knees to her chest while she gently rocked herself in order to calm down. She looked crazy, and if she needed any reassurance of that fact it was written on Chibi-Usa's face.

"You look terrible, baka." Chibi-Usa mumbled, but her voice rang with sadness. "You know if Ikuko-mama saw you, she would cry."

Usagi shook her head. She was making her mom do that a lot lately. Not on purpose, never on purpose. Come to thing of it, everyone was treating her like glass

Usagi looked down at her skin, maybe she was becoming glass.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Chibi-Usa asked. "Why are you acting like you're okay, and not letting anyone help you and then having nightmares in the middle of the night. Why aren't you eating?"

Usagi clenched her jaw, looking away from her future daughter and feeling too much like she was being scolded by an eight-year-old. There were too many answers.

Everyone expected her to be okay, that's what they needed her to be. She didn't even know how they could help her, because she didn't know what the hell was wrong with her anymore. She's having nightmares after she exposed her soul to something she can only describe as the devil and it left her broken. She's not eating because she knows a nightmare will wake her up in the middle of the night and she'll throw it up anyway.

But she couldn't say all of that, to someone as innocent and pure as Chibi-Usa. She couldn't tell her how her soul had become tainted even though everyone swore up and down she was the messiah of everything good.

She couldn't do that.

"I don't know." She responded.

"WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID?" Chibi-Usa practically wailed, stomping her foot like a child about to throw a fit. "Why are you so stupid, Usagi? Why are you trying so hard to act like everything is okay? Why don't you care.. Why are you pushing everyone away?"

Usagi shook her head. "I don't know."

"I hate you." Chibi-Usa snapped, tears streaming down her sweet face. "I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.."

Usagi stood now, staring down at the little girl and grimacing slightly. "You want to hate me? Fine. Hate me. But don't hate me for this.." At this point, Chibi-Usa had fallen quiet. "Hate me because I couldn't protect you, hate me for that. Hate me because I couldn't save Hotaru-chan."

"What do you mean?"

"Hate me all you want, Chibi-Usa.." Usagi whispered, her voice catching. "Cause' I hate me too.."

Her teacher seemed to realize something was wrong, which Usagi found kind of amusing. Maybe it was because she had started coming to school early- so much so she was the first one in the classroom. She seemed to notice that Usagi wasted no time chatting with Naru in the hallways or running in late, breathless but all smiles.

Maybe she noticed how Usagi barely picked at her lunch these days, eyes gazing out the window. She could have even noticed how Usagi ignored Makoto's over-enthusiastic offers of going to the arcade after school and Ami's reminders that she should study instead.

She must have noticed something, because for the first time in her school career she didn't get scolded for falling asleep, and she didn't even get scolded for waking up from that nap in a hurry- gasping so loud that everyone in the room looked at her.

She only got sympathetic glances from everyone around her, and her pale cheeks didn't even turn bright pink from the attention.

She only rested her head against the desk once more.

Usagi managed to sneak in the house without her mother and father's attention. If she had to be happy about anything, it would be that. She had purposely woken up early that morning, in order to ignore their questions and Chibi-Usa's upset glances from across the table.

It had been that way for weeks now.

Her mother would just shake her head at Usagi, but she knew that her heart was aching for her older daughter. She knew that her mother had spent many nights crying over it.

Her dad would just blame it on Mamoru. Which seemed to make Usagi more mad than their questions. She would usually leave the table at this point.

So being able to avoid everyone was a Godsend.

She hurried up the stairs, and to her room- tossing her bag on the floor and flopping on her bed.. She tried to get cozy, with the intention of taking a nap. Maybe if she just slept for a half-hour- Maybe then she would be able to rest without nightmares...

She closed her eyes, and prayed that maybe she could finally get some rest.

She was wrong..

So wrong..

Her thirty minutes had turned into hours, and before she knew it she was bombarded by the same nightmare she'd had the night before, only this time it had been more violent. The voice had screamed in her ear, it had ripped her friends apart, right in front of her. Only she couldn't move.

Just like almost every time before, Usagi sat up- mind dizzy and confused from her nap and absolutely terrified. She took deep breaths, her head pounding with each one and tried to remind herself that she was just dreaming. She was just dreaming. Her hand went to her drenched forehead, and tried to make her head stop aching if only for a moment.

She looked around; she must have missed dinner and her mother didn't think to wake her up. That, or maybe she had grown so tired of the ghost she had become that she simply found it for the best.

Usagi couldn't fault her either way.

She took a deep breath, and smiled a bit. She had been able to calm herself down much quicker this time, maybe she was actually getting better. It could be a sign that this whole thing was ending and she was becoming herself again.

She stood on shaky legs, making her way to her mirror- in order to take her hair out of her buns, and take off her uniform. At least maybe now she would be well-rested, because when she looked at the clock and saw that it was midnight she realized she had slept longer than she had in weeks.

She looked in the mirror, and ran a hand across her flushed cheeks. She reached her hand up to take the pin that was holding her bun together- retrieving it from her blonde locks and reaching down to sit it on the dresser next to her..

When she looked back in the mirror, she wasn't looking at herself any longer. She backed up a bit, her hands in front of her in case she needed to attack- her mind mentally preparing itself to find her broach and transform into Sailor Moon.

Only the girl in the mirror was her, she realized. It was her. Her after leaving Pharaoh 90. Eyes blank, hair messy, dirty, cut up, and fuku ripped and torn more than it ever was before. It was her standing there, looking through the mirror. Despite her blank eyes, the Usagi in the mirror was still judging her.

"What?" Usagi gulped, as she stood up straight and walked over to the mirror once more. It was more out of curiosity and if Luna was with her instead of out on her nightly walks- she would have surely gotten scolded. "What are you?"

Usagi placed her hand on the mirror, and the reflection on the other side mirrored her movements, proving that she was indeed a reflection. "Are you me?"

She stayed that way for awhile. She stood just watching the reflection in disbelief. Maybe it was harmless.. Maybe it was just part of her imagination.

Then it grabbed her arm.

Usagi screamed as the Sailor Moon on the other side held onto her arm, a dark smile spread across her face. The reflection laughed as Usagi tried her best to free herself, trying to jerk her arm away. It hurt much like it did in Pharaoh 90, the feeling of a burning hand grabbing her delicate flesh.

"You can never escape this nightmare, Tsukino Usagi." The voice, her voice said- growing deeper and more like the voice she heard in her nightmares. "You can never escape, because I am you..."

"No!" She screeched.

She reached her free hand out and punched the glass, the mirror bursting in hundreds of pieces and effectively relieving her hand of the hold the mysterious image had on her.

Usagi fell to the ground, staring at the broken mirror, horrified. She backed up, sobbing as she put to much weight on her now bloody hand. She lifted her hand in front of her face and examined it in disgust.. What would her mother do? Surely she had heard Usagi scream, and the sound of glass breaking?

She had to go.

Usagi stood up on shaky legs, and hurried out of her room. She had to go somewhere. She didn't know where but she had to go somewhere. She couldn't let her mom know that she was so far gone that she was seeing things in the mirror now. She couldn't let her know that she was bleeding from punching an image that may or may not have been there.

"Usagi?" She heard her mother's frantic voice when she reached the stairs. She could see her staring at her from down the hallway, eyes probably concerned. "Usagi what happened?"

She ran.

The city sidewalks weren't as busy as they usually were. Mostly because it was cold outside, with flurries falling from the sky. The people who were still out didn't seem to pay much mind to Usagi; they simply sent the fifteen-year-old odd looks at the fact she was still wearing her school uniform even though it was midnight and freezing outside.

Usagi didn't pay much mind to the cold, despite the fact her legs were red from the chill. She simply kept her gaze straight ahead, walking aimlessly and trying to figure out what the hell had happened. Trying to figure out what she would tell her mom, because she would surely send her daughter to some sort of psychiatric ward after this.

She shifted her bleeding hand with a wince, tucking it beneath her arm- paying no heed to the fact that uniform was becoming stained with crimson.

After walking for awhile, she finally came across a lone bench. The blonde walked over slowly, slumping down on the bench and staring out at the busy road.

Only when she sat down did she allow herself to cry, lifting up her knees to her chest and burying her face in them. She cried harder than she had allowed herself to do for weeks. Deep sobs coming from her chest, and desperate gasps as she tried to get herself to calm down.

Everything was terrible.

Everything was supposed to be normal after Pharaoh 90 was defeated, and everything was.. For the most part. Everything was normal except for her. Her pure heart had been exposed to Pharaoh 90, and now she was tainted. Her heart that brought forth so much love and bravery, felt dark.

Happiness was hard to find, her days were growing darker, the nightmares wouldn't stop, and now she was hallucinating.. It was starting to seem like she would never be the same.

She would never be the same, and she just wanted everything to stop.

She looked up at that thought, watching the busy street in front of her. The cars that wouldn't be able to stop in time if she were to walk into the road. A way for everything to stop.

A soft smile spread across her face as her glassy eyes watched the street in front of her. It was starting to sleet now, cold, wet ice freezing her to the bone. "I just want it to stop." She whispered.

Then Usagi stood.

She stood, and she looked down at her feet- feeling like she wasn't part of her body anymore. The blonde moved slowly towards the edge of the street, thinking about how everyone would be happier. She had become such a dark cloud that everyone had started treating her like glass.

Again, maybe she was glass.

She was standing on the curb now, her foot hanging off just the slightest. She could feel the wind from the cars as they drove past her, paying no mind to the young girl who was lost in her own thoughts and willing to take her own life just to free herself of whatever was wrong with her.

She stepped off the curb.

For the second time that day someone grabbed her arm. This time the touch was much more warm and gentle, Usagi blinked a few times- now realizing what she was just about to do. She gazed wide-eyed at the road, and then she turned her head to the person who had grabbed her hand.

Of course it was him..

"Mamo-chan." She whispered, her voice soft. She wasn't angry, or even relieved. Usagi should have known that he would come and save her, he always did.. And she couldn't do the same to him. "I knew you would save me."

"I can't believe I have to," he said roughly- but she could hear his voice tinged with something like panic, or sadness. "We need to get you somewhere warm.."

She made no protest as he pulled her onto the sidewalk, took off his jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders. She simply let him lead her to his apartment.

"Yes, she's with me Tsukino-san.." She heard him say from the hallway, his voice was gentle and polite despite the fact Usagi could have very well died. "I found her on a bench.. Yes, she's fine now. If it's okay with you, I'll make sure she's settled for tonight."

There was a pause, and a slight chuckle from Mamoru. "No, I'll sleep on the sofa don't worry."

Usagi listened as Mamoru bid her mother goodnight. She looked down at her hand, that had subdued down to a small trickle of blood. Her eyes were red from crying, but at least she was feeling warmer now- with Mamoru's blankets around her, hair down, and clothes on the floor.

Years ago she would have blushed at the thought of Mamoru seeing her in her underwear. But since she had been so cold, and her clothes were soaking wet, neither of them seemed to care.

"Let me see your hand-" Usagi looked up to see Mamoru standing in front of her, eyes set on her bleeding hand. He was holding a roll of gauze and medical tape. Usagi held out her hand slowly, and Mamoru grabbed a hold of it. "Your mom said your mirror is busted."

"Yeah." Usagi said quietly.

He wrapped her hand up with the gauze, and bit a piece of tap off. Usagi watched his longer fingers work on her hand, mesmerized by the way his gentle hands moved so slowly. "Did you break it?" He asked.

Usagi looked up, blushing since she had grown so enchanted by his hands. "Huh?"

"Did you break the mirror, is that why your hand is bleeding?" He asked again.

"Oh.." She nodded. "Yeah."

He gently placed her hand down, but his eyes were still on the blankets. She could see his dark blue eyes focus, like he was working on some kind of equation. "Why'd you do it, Usa-ko?"

"I don't know." She whispered.

"Please.." He said, and she could hear the tears in his voice. "Just tell me why I almost lost you tonight. Just tell me why if I would have been a few seconds slower, I would be looking at your dead body right now."

Her heart was aching now. What a selfish girl she was. She had been fully prepared to end her own life just to feel again- just to be happy. She thought she was making other people happy, but the truth is she would have just left them broken- and she would have not only ended her life, but Chibi-Usa's too.

"What did I do?" She whispered, looking up from her bandaged hand. "I-I almost killed myself, Mamo-chan. I almost killed Chibi-Usa. What did I do!?"

Her voice was frantic, and she practically sobbed the last sentence. She grew quiet staring into Mamoru's concerned eyes, and placing her non-injured hand to her quivering mouth. She couldn't keep her sobs at bay as they once again took hold of her small body, and she hunched over in despair.

She could barely look into Mamoru's eyes again, as he placed his gentle hands on her bare shoulders. When she finally looked up she saw his sympathetic blue eyes staring into hers. "You just need to tell me what happened tonight, Usa-ko. I need to know what you're feeling, because lately no one knows what's going on with you."

"I have nightmares every night, at the same time- and everything he says is true." Usagi explained. "I try to act like it's just a silly dream, but every word he says is true."

"What kind of things does it say to you." Mamoru asked, a bit uneasily. The last thing he wanted to do was make Usagi break into another fit of sobs. His heart couldn't bear that.

"That I let everyone die- that I always let everyone die." She whispered, shaking her head. "That I can't save anyone.. That I'm selfish for binding you in this relationship.. A relationship where you die for me over and over."

Mamoru was shocked by her words, only because he hadn't expected her to be so open to his question. He realized that he hadn't expected such an answer.

"Usa-ko.. You know that isn't true." He said quietly, his hand caressing her cheek. "I would die for you over and over, I love every moment I spend with you. I feel like my life had never truly begun until I met you."

"I don't want anyone to die for me." Usagi whispered, looking down at her clenched fists.

"..And we don't want you to die for us." Mamoru continued. "We never want you to have to be the last one, the one thrown in the middle, Usa-ko. But it's always that way. You do that, for us."

"Mamo-chan-" She finally looked up at him, bright blue eyes full of unshed tears. "I just want it to stop, I just want to be able to feel like myself again."

"You will, I promise that you will." He vowed. "But please, Usa-ko, don't think that it's ever okay to end your life."

"I won't. I promise."

"We all love you too much." He responded.

She wasn't looking at him anymore, she was staring at his lips now. Hands finding their way to his forearm. Before he could respond, her lips were on his. He made a noise of surprise in the back of his throat, but he quickly recovered and kissed her back with equal enthusiasm.

She felt a cold chill run down her body, when his hands found her bare waist. He was now sitting on the bed- and she pulled away for a minute, much to his dismay.

"Mamo-chan, I love you.." She whispered, and she felt almost embarrassed by how needy she sounded to her own ears. "Please I love you so much, just help me feel something- anything."

He sighed, pressing a kiss to her forehead- and she let out a weak gasp when his lips trailed down her face until he reached her neck. She clutched onto his shoulders as he moved on to her collar bone- his hands fumbling with her bra. When he finally got it off, she shivered slightly- the feeling of how bare she was, finally washing over her.

He moved down to the top of her bare breast, making her feel like she was truly going to melt. Her hands fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, but she found herself growing even more distracted. When she finally reached the last button, Mamoru discarded the article of clothing with more carelessness than she had ever seen from him.

But his carefulness with her, made her feel at home.

It hadn't been the first time, but there was something about that night that had made her feel alive. Maybe it was her feeling of neediness, or the fact that it was the first time she had felt something other than hopelessness.

But for the first time, she felt something.