As Rose's temple touched the Doctor's the contact between the two brought the mental connection on faster and more intensely than it ever had been before. This was a point they had not used to initiate their bond and they both found that it was incredibly powerful. Rose couldn't even be sure who entered whom first the meeting of their minds was so instantaneous. Never before had they come at each other simultaneously and it was such a different experience than what they were used to that it was nearly overwhelming for both.
Rose cried out at the touch it was so powerful. It was something in between a yelp and a moan and it held within it relief and desire and desperation and sadness all at once. She was glad that the Doctor didn't pull away at the sound of it, thinking he might have hurt her. She couldn't be sure she hadn't cried out in pain as their minds roughly tumbled at each other but she was absolutely sure that she didn't want him to stop. He had gotten much better at reading her feelings since that first time their minds met and he wasn't nearly as shy as he had been then. He knew now exactly what she wanted and needed the most and it was the very opposite of pulling away.
Her knees buckled as his mind lunged at hers and she grabbed his shoulders as she fell down to her knees. She straddled his lap as he sank below her and he held her body tight against his. She wrapped her arms around his neck and nuzzled her head against his trying to close space that wasn't there, seeking even deeper and deeper.
She thought that when their minds met it would help to relieve the yearning inside of her as it always had. The pain would subside and they would be comforted by each other. But that didn't happen. This time the aching and pulsing and reaching of her mind did not stop. It only increased as it met with his, hungering even more to be with him. She knew he felt it too. She could feel the painful desire of his mind as it longed for hers. She could feel he was aching for her in the way his mind grabbed at her. She had never felt that before. Her touch had always relived any pain he'd had, as his had done for her. But the presence of each other seemed only to increase their pain and need for each other. Being with each other only served to remind them of all they had to lose and reminded them all the more of how much they didn't want to lose each other.
This was not like any time they had ever bonded before. Whenever they had come together to bond their minds it had always been calm and calculated. Their actions had always been slow and steady. They always started with a slow and gentle greeting, stroking each other's minds before they delved deep down inside. But this was not stroking and tender sharing; this was grabbing and taking. There were no whispers or hellos; there were no words at all. This time there were only actions driven by unhindered and unrestrained power. Both were unleashing their full desire from the start.
This was so desperate. Rose felt it as her mind was roughly grabbing and clutching at his, rushing to search him out completely and all at once. His mind was just as rough back at hers. Time had always seemed to stand still when they came together like this, like time didn't matter, that it wasn't passing at all while they shared in this. But now it felt like time was an enemy looming over them. It felt like they were nearly out of it and they had to rush to get in all they wanted. Maybe it was because she had seen the future for the very first time but she now seemed to feel time and be very aware of its passing and its limitedness. That took her security away and she felt she had to hurry to know him.
There had been times in the past when she felt her mind hard to control. Sometimes, its newfound strength seemed too much for her to handle. When it moved with intention of its own it was hard to restrain and she struggled to make it do what she wanted rather than what it did. But the way she was moving now was not because she could not control the power of her mind. This was intentional. The speed of both their actions was not because they couldn't handle what they felt, but because they did not want to hinder it in any way. Both moved with passion and it had nothing to do with losing control or being overwhelmed.
She was desperate to run herself through his light, touching his very consciousness and there was no time to take their time. She needed to feel it now. Doctor! she cried his name into his mind. He understood her request and somehow he was able to make himself stop his actions. His quick movements stopped and his mind stilled so that his light would burn through for her. She knew it was hard for him to remain unmoving but she was so relieved when she felt the light of his mind flowing into hers.
She drank in his warmth and radiance. She rushed at him quickly to soak him up. She completely immersed herself in the middle of his orange light and wrapped herself up in who he was. She needed to be with him like this, always. She could never give this up. She could never give him up. Right now, as she was surrounded by him, she felt she would not survive the loss of it. How could she ever live without spending time with him in this way? Her survival, her life seemed to depend on it.
She had never allowed herself to truly imagine what it would be to lose him. Of course, she had thought about it. Their lives were in danger all the time. Already she'd watch him die once. But she never really imagined it and she had never felt what it would actually be like. Things were so much different now. It was like, ever since they had become bonded, she had subconsciously kept herself from really considering it anymore. It was like an instinct that had told her that the weight of wondering would be too much. Now that they were bonded together it brought a whole new level of loss, a loss she had felt in her nightmare. This nightmare, this glimpse of a potential future, allowed her to know what it would actually feel like to lose him. It was so strange to feel the actual emotions attached to an event that had yet to happen, an event that hopefully would never happen, and she wasn't used to it.
She felt as the Doctor's fingers dung into her waist where he had held her but now gripped her with the effort of holding his mind back. He was straining to remain still. It had been hard at the start and it became even more difficult as she ran herself through his light, her touch stimulating his mind and begging him to move. With great effort she made herself stall so that he could feel her shine back at him. Her mind quivered with the effort of it but when he came at her with such eagerness she'd had yet to feel from him she knew it was worth it.
She felt as her light glowed, radiating from her. It flowed out of her in yellow and pink waves, inviting and welcoming. She felt him moving in the midst of it. Her mind wanted to jump out at his but she made it stand still so that her light could burn as strong and steady as it could for him. She felt him taking it in. She ached in the best way as he slowly ran himself through it. She poured everything out of her into it. All she was, was meant for him.
It wasn't long before she had to come back at him, eager to feel more of him. She felt he had only started to build a wall to protect himself from his emotions but she encouraged him to let it fall. She had so many feelings and they got so intense when they came together like this. Right now she needed him to feel his too. She couldn't be left alone in her affections. She didn't want to feel her fears alone. She wanted to feel his too. She didn't want him to hide anything away.
She felt as he tore it down and his feelings came through. He had always felt that the emotions she brought out in him were her making him more human. But she knew that she simply brought it out of him. The potential had always been there she just gave him a way to give into them. He'd always had them inside he'd just been too afraid on his own to give them any power. He had needed a safe place in which to indulge them and she was glad to give it to him. She had given him the strength to acknowledge them.
Though he had started to resist them when she asked him to let them through now she didn't feel much resistance on his part. Without any hindrance she dug deeper into him; she needed to see more and more of him. It had felt like she had lost him and her mind now needed more reassurance than it ever had that he was alright. It was becoming a frenzy and maybe she should be afraid of that but she wasn't.
Then she felt it. Now that he had let her in without reservation she felt what he had been feeling, what he had been trying to protect himself against. A sense of doom hovered over them, a storm was coming, and he'd felt that. The unexplainable but also undeniable sense that something bad was about to come now filled her. His anxiety and fear came into her and she felt them too. He had known something was coming, he had felt this. He had been carrying around such a terrible dread because of it. And it had been there for a little while now. He had known about this before tonight and she realized that he had been keeping it from her.
Somehow she was able to get her hands in between their chests and she grabbed two handfuls of his shirt. She pressed him the short distance until he was up against the wall of the hallway. A flair of anger surged in her that she did not try to tone down and she firmly said Don't. It was only one word but he knew what she meant; it simply would not do for them to be keeping things from each other. She was at her limit of being able to tolerate his keeping her in the dark.
He shook his head fiercely against hers; of course he wouldn't keep her in the dark. Or more honestly, he would at least try not to, he admitted. She tried not to be angry that this was the best answer he could offer her. She was torn between wanting to be mad that he had been hiding this from her and wanting to be with him even more because of it.
It was not a long battle. In the end the desire won over the anger. It always did. An angry person she wasn't. A desirous person she most certainly was. There was no time to waste being angry anyway. She let go of his shirt that she gripped in her hands and let her hands fall to rest on his chest all anger and fight completely gone out of her. She now leaned against him only wanting to be close to him. His arms eagerly pulled her in tighter against him.
He rushed to explain himself and she could see now his intentions behind keeping this from her. His desire was to keep her safe, to keep her from worrying. It had burdened him to feel something terrible was coming and be the only one who knew it but he did it so she wouldn't have to. Keeping her safe at all costs was a part of who he was even when it meant keeping things from her. He knew she hated kept secrets but it was still difficult not to do it when it was something that could protect her. She felt his guilt over keeping it from her and shame that she had found it out this way. Feeling his explanation made it even more impossible for her to be angry with him.
But the thing that bothered her the most was knowing that there was something he had been able to keep from her. Don't hide from me she begged of him, her voice softening and her heart no longer angry. She didn't want to think there were parts of him that he was hiding when they were together like this. It wasn't fair to her. I won't, Rose. I won't, he said and she wrapped her arms around him holding him, her mind touching him reassuringly. He hadn't meant to hide from her she knew. He didn't want to hold things back from her when they were together like this. This was a process and he was still learning, still trying to be better at it, still trying to learn how to share himself.
Now that he was aware of what he'd been holding back she felt as his mind opened up completely to her, no barriers and no hiding. He now let her in all the way and she grabbed back at his mind in desire.
His light now felt cold. As she pressed on the presence of his mind again she found that it felt like ice. She physically shivered when she touched it. The dark spots on the edges of his warm orange light were more pronounced than they had ever been. The brighter parts of him had always been dominant but now she looked upon it and the darker, sadder parts were growing larger chasing the warm light away. Now that he wasn't hiding this from her anymore his feelings about losing her came tumbling out. He hadn't just been keeping this storm from her for her sake; he'd been running from it himself. He had not been able to face the thought of losing her, unable to face the loss of that. Now he had to face it.
It was so dark inside of him now she had a hard time finding her way around. This is what his mind looked like when he gave into the depression. She had known there was sadness inside of him; she'd seen it a lot in her earliest days with him. But even she had not known just how much of him was darkness. It could be all consuming. It almost was now as his fear and despair raged. It was not often that he allowed himself to feel the full pain misery of things and this was why.
She cried out when she felt all of these things from him. He felt so much loss at the idea of losing her. He grieved at the idea just like she did. She thought it would help to feel he shared in what she was feeling but it had the opposite effect on her. To know how much he wanted her only made her want him more and to know he felt this much fear about it himself only made her more fearful.
If he felt this hopeless then he must believe that there was a great possibility that this glimpse of the future was the real one. This was the first time that she had seen the future but he saw the future all of the time; he knew how to read it. He would know if there was something to this dream or not. He had tried to pass it off to her like they wouldn't worry about it but now that she was inside she could see that he truly felt that this would come to be.
The nightmare they'd just experienced together was a new thing for him. And the strength of it, the feeling attached to it gave it some credibility that made him worry that it would actually happen. He'd been troubled about this for a while but this event had seemed to further cement those worries. What hope did they have? He had been considering this for a while and this is where he had arrived. She allowed herself a few small sobs because she didn't know what else to do. But when she did, something seemed to snap in him.
The Doctor could feel what his mind was doing to Rose's and something shifted so suddenly in him that it almost knocked her over. It was a strong determination building. Hearing her start to cry, feeling her lose hope snapped him out of his despair. She was giving up because he felt like giving up. What was he doing? he asked himself. Why was he giving up?
He wasn't powerless and he wasn't going to give up like this. He would never give up on her. He would save Rose. He would protect her and keep her safe. He'd once saved her from the midst of a Dalek fleet hadn't he? He had once given his life to save her hadn't he? No cost was too great when it came to her and her safety. He had been carrying this fear around with him alone for a while now but now that Rose had seen it, it looked differently to him. He shouldn't have hidden it from her because she made him see that of course he wouldn't give up. Her fear had woken him up inside. He wouldn't allow her to be afraid. He would chase that fear away.
His determination to keep her safe, to fight for her churned up all kinds of things in him. These were feelings in darker shades. More possessive feelings. As his sadness and powerlessness were being banished by his power she could feel feelings that he'd not let through before. She felt his claim on her. He had never let it through before because he had never wanted her to feel like he bound her to stay or that he possessed her in any way. But now he wanted her to know how he truly felt and she felt it.
She was his. She belonged to him. He needed her. He wanted her. He would not let anyone take her. His mind was bound to hers, on a journey that would one day bound their very souls together and he would not allow anyone to stop that. His arms around her tightened holding her even closer as he resolved in himself that he would not allow this to happen. He was prepared to use his power to stop whatever force dared to step in between them.
She now spoke with her feelings, instead of words. She took one of her hands and pulled his head even closer against hers, intensifying their connection. She told him she was glad. She was bound to him. She did belong to him. She didn't mind, no she loved, to be claimed by him. In all of time and the universe she was the one who got the Doctor. No else did; he was hers. She was glad to know he could and would fight for her.
The Doctor's presence came back powerful in her mind. His light flared, sending the darkness back to their places and burning hot sending away the cold. She had always known that the Doctor was powerful but he had never allowed her to see it anywhere close to this much before. What she was seeing now, told her that even she had underestimated what he was capable of. He was capable of much more than he ever let on. There was a reason he was called The Oncoming Storm.
She felt a chill of pleasure run through her to see it and he felt it, encouraging him on. He'd held so much back from her. She could feel that as his mind now burned inside of hers. She had known he'd had to keep his power toned down for her. It had been out of necessity but he no longer doubted her abilities. He no longer doubted that she could handle seeing this much of him. He no longer worried about showing this much to her or doubted her devotion to him.
The coldness that had been inside of him was gone now. The darkness that he had briefly allowed to dominate him had been banished. Determination stoked the fire and it now raged. His light was burning, brighter and hotter than it ever had and she delighted to feel it and the passion that drove it.