Rose continued to reach out her mind strong to match the strength of the Doctor's firm movements. He massaged her mind deeply with his own, his movements hard and warm against her. His movements were almost too hard and his fire was almost too hot inside of her head but she found that for now she could keep up. Even if she found she couldn't have she was enjoying herself too much to stop. He had never been so passionate and unhindered with her before and though she loved when he was gentle with her it was also nice to see him be a little more reckless with her.
Her mind was so much stronger than it used to be and she rushed to keep up with him. It was difficult but she was able to do it. She couldn't keep it up for long though and she didn't really want to. She let her mind fall still and her body go limp against his. Rather than trying to keep up she let him she let him take over and delighted herself in the way he moved.
She felt so much in the way he stirred inside of her head. There was so much drive and motivation behind his actions. He hadn't just resolved to fight for the present that they currently had and their relationship as it now stood. He wasn't just fighting off the terrible future they had both gotten a glimpse of tonight. She realized there was a future, a different future than the one she had seen, that he was fighting for. Even more than what they had now he was fighting for what they could have. What they had both gotten a glimpse of tonight was not the only thing he had seen of a future for them.
She got a flash of images much like the dream she'd had and yet so different from that. This was another glimpse of the future, one he had seen before. These events rushed at her so quick she wasn't even sure how she was able to recall them. They were not of a single event as her nightmare had been; they were of several events over the years. They did not hold pain and fear as her nightmare had. These images held hope and passion and joy.
She saw her and the Doctor binding their hands together with a ribbon as he spoke a secret name into ear. She saw herself whispering it back to him in their most private moments. She saw intimate times that confirmed they would have no trouble having a physical relationship as he had once feared. She saw so many worlds and times she'd had yet to see, the faces of people they would one day save. She saw herself round with a baby, a Time Lord baby. She felt herself having a conversation with that child, the Doctor's child, while it still grew inside of her. She saw herself growing older and she saw him, changing too. He would keep this face for her but each time he would make it older, for her.
These glimpses were beautiful. She felt tears come easily to fill her eyes when saw them. These things also could be the future. There were so many different things she knew that they had come from several different visions he'd had. They didn't make up one complete timeline. Any of them could be true. Any of them could also be false. But she already found herself longing for them all. She begged for them to replace the other terrible future, the one where her and the Doctor wouldn't be together.
She moved suddenly pushing back into the Doctor's mind. She delved deep down inside of him in frustration. It wasn't fair. She wanted those things. She wanted a future where they were together not one where they were separated. She wasn't even paying attention to how far and fast she was moving. She pushed so far into him that she crashed against his deepest part, the secret place inside of him. She heard him grunt at her force but he made no protest, at her distressed movements.
She reached out to touch the door that was in front of her. On the other side was where the Doctor hid his name, where his soul lay. She'd found it the first time they'd bonded and while she had quickly moved away then, she lingered there now, so close to a place she wanted to be but wasn't ready for yet. She could hear whispers of what lay inside and she so wanted to be allowed to enter but she knew the timing was not right. The progression of their relationship could not be rushed and she didn't necessarily need to be allowed in right now. She only feared that she would never have the chance to know him in this way. To be allowed inside was to know him completely, it was to belong to him entirely, and she was so afraid she would never have that.
They were falling in love like Time Lords do; slowly but deeply and completely. The process was longer but it was much more rewarding. Already she knew that she was closer to the Doctor than she ever had been to anyone. It wasn't just about their bodies coming together which, while it had its merits of course, could be quite superficial. This kind of love was about knitting two minds together, about joining two hearts and someday even their very souls as one. Something that special took time and care. It couldn't be forced even now when they feared they might not have the time they needed to see this to completion.
This was why Time Lords did not have casual relationships like humans did. They couldn't. It was such a complex thing. It was telepathic and physical together; the two could not be separated. They were governed by time and they could not rush or change the time lines they could see. Even she was starting to understand these things by being with him. She had already begun to see bits of time and sense when it was the right time for certain things. Falling in love like this, you could see your time line and their time line. You could see the two becoming one. You knew when the timing of things was right or not.
She could understand now why the Doctor had resisted his feelings for her at the beginning. Falling in love like this, which slowly required you to give yourself so completely to another, was a risky thing. He had known just how much of one it was before he had ever begun the process with her. To lose each other now, at this point, they might not survive it. Couples that were joined in the way her and the Doctor were, were never supposed to be separated. Right now she felt almost certain that she would not survive it. The things she felt in his movements made her think he wouldn't either.
Her attention was now reluctantly drawn away from her thoughts and back to her mind. His fire which had continued to grow in force through all of this was now burning her mind. It had progressed from a level that felt good to a point where she felt like it was becoming too much for her to bear. For a few moments she couldn't gather enough strength to care about that. She couldn't think clearly enough to know why anything past this moment and being with him was important. She couldn't even imagine a future, she was so much in this moment. She wouldn't think about the future at all because then she would remember it might not include him. And if she thought about that then she would never break this off. She would let his fire burn until there was nothing left of her.
She tried to make herself think rationally instead of letting her heart do all of deciding. She knew she was getting carried away, in a dangerous way. She focused back on her own mind and the current state of it and she could feel it was struggling. Its energy was nearly spent and it was losing strength. This was too fast and too powerful and her mind, though growing in strength all the time, was not yet strong enough for this level.
Doctor…I…I'm sorry. I can't she struggled to say urging him to slow down though it was the very last thing she wanted. She didn't want to have to ask him to slow down. She wanted all the passion he could give. She gasped from the pain now that she had slowed down enough to make herself feel it. She felt realization in his mind as he assessed her condition and recognized how much she was struggling to keep up. He hadn't meant to hurt her but he now saw that he had.
She could feel regret fill him. He never let himself be this unguarded with her for this very reason. He knew his own power; he knew what it was capable of. He had always worried about hurting her and now he felt he had. She was now beyond the ability to speak with words even in her mind but they could read each other feelings now. She murmured several inward apologies to him. She reassured him it was alright, that she was alright. Still, she felt him make a hasty retreat back whispering several apologies to her.
She felt regret of her own and frustration at her own limitations. She normally felt good about her telepathic abilities. She always seemed to exceed the Doctor's expectations of her and what she was able to do. She always seemed to be able to give him what he needed, maybe even more than he realized he needed. But she didn't feel good enough now. As strong as she could get she doubted she could ever fully match him. He would never be allowed to completely unleash himself to her.
Though she had been the one to ask him to ease off and she knew she needed to do it that did not stop the ache she felt as he pulled back away from her. Her mind felt empty and dark as his pulled out of hers. She let her head roll to the side and rest on his shoulder in fatigue. He followed to keep the side of his head pressed close against hers. She whimpered pitifully against his neck as she felt his retreat away from her and his arms wrapped tighter around her.
His mind was only gone for a brief moment before coming back cool and soothing against her own. It swept gently over hers like waves and it was a relief. It felt good, like a breeze soothing her mind and she could feel where their rough touching had left singe marks on her mind. Where before he had been grabbing her as if she were invincible he now held her like she was terribly breakable. It was quite the contrast but she knew it was exactly what she needed. She had not realized how much their haste was leaving a mark on her and she knew they'd slowed down just in time.
The way he held her now was full of reassurance and comfort; he felt she lacked nothing he wanted. She could feel that he truly had no disappointments about the fact that her mind couldn't keep up with his. He didn't want to be as powerful as he could be, he didn't want to fully unleash his Time Lord mind. The power was dangerous. It could do bad things. He loved her humanity; he truly desired her frailty. He begged her not to squelch it or despise it. He treasured it and he felt it made him better things. It made him gentler and kinder, softer and quieter. She kept him grounded; she kept him kind. He didn't want her to be like him; he wanted to become more like her.
She loved how in one moment he treated her with such passion she knew she was desired and the next moment he was so gentle with her she knew he cherished her. She smiled against him. He wanted what they were becoming; not a fully unleashed Time Lord's power or a full human's weakness. It was something in between, something beautiful and unique. Something only the two of them shared. She wanted that too. Hearing him speak to her about it she didn't feel like it was a weakness any longer.
In the stillness, in the wake of him showing his mighty power, she allowed herself to feel vulnerable. It wasn't him who made her feel that way. It wasn't his power that had made her realize it. She was already that way and she knew it. He had only made her remember. She knew she had always been vulnerable. She used to feel that way all the time but she had left it long ago in in favor of a stronger character. That quality in her had been used to abuse her. So, she had wrapped herself in capability and strength and used them as a wall to protect herself. She didn't want to be dependent on people. Still, she was not always as strong as she appeared.
But she didn't need to be afraid with the Doctor. He was powerful, more powerful than anyone she had ever known there was no denying that. She had just seen how much. But she didn't need to be afraid of his power because he was trustworthy. He wouldn't use or abuse the vulnerability in her. He valued that quality in her. It had been a long time since she had let herself feel breakable and dependent but in the Doctor's strong grasp she wanted to feel it. She wanted to let him be strong for her.
She let herself feel those long held back emotions and she felt as they flooded through her body and spilled over into his. She felt his breath pause for a second as he felt what was coming off of her and then his mind squeezed hers back strong and protective. She felt him whisper gratitude at her for showing this part of herself to him. She didn't show this often and now that she had he knew it showed how she trusted him. He had held back showing her his power and she had held back showing him her frailty but now they both knew. They had been afraid of these things in themselves but it was just another wonderful example of how they complimented each other. It was another reason they were meant to be together.
He started to rock her back and forth in his arms and she felt so safe with him. Never in all of her life had she been in so much danger as she was when she was with the Doctor. But never had she ever felt more protected. There were no words to describe what it was like to feel protected by this man. He had the power to do so much and he focused his strength and his attention on her. In light of everything they had to lose and the possibility that it might be taken from them she couldn't be more grateful.