A/N: You all are awesome thanks for the reviews! The song featured in this section comes to you by the way of my Mother who sat me down and made me listen to Linda Ronstadt with her on my record player (you know actual records).

Torcan I almost used Cold Cold Heart for this chapter, but the version I have is by Norah Jones (you know chicks dig Norah Jones and you got to keep the chicks happy -kidding that is so wrong to write my mother and GF would smack me for writing that). Long Long Time just seemed much more depressing, but that could just be Linda Ronstadt.

Chapter 6: Long Long Time by Linda Ronstadt

Sara was shocked by how quick they had rushed Grissom back into a room in the emergency department at the hospital. They did not allow her to go back with him, instead, she was asked to sit out in the waiting room until a doctor came to talk to her.

The first thing she did was call Catherine and update her on Grissom's status. Catherine was worried, but they were busy with cases, so she asked to be kept informed. If it was something serious than she would tell the team.

Sara had agreed with Catherine's plan. All idea of leaving, of quitting, had been forgotten as Sara waited to hear something about Grissom's status. It seemed like an eternity but really was 2 hours later when a doctor finally came out looking for Grissom's family.

Instead of explaining she was a friend, if that was what she was to Grissom, she let the doctor call her Mrs Grissom. It was the best way to get information about Grissom status.

"Mrs Grissom come with me please." The doctor said leading Sara back to a little conference room.

Sara had been worried walking the entire way. The doctors poker face was as good as Grissom. Was Grissom ok? Was he dead? Death seemed unlikely, the man was just sick.

Once inside the room the doctor began to explain, "Your husband had what we call a

Transient ischemic attack, a TIA. It is a mini-stroke, and often is an indicator of a more serious stroke occurring in the near future. From talking to your husband he had what presented like a migraine, and it very likely may have been one, however, transient ischemic attack presents with a headache, dizziness, vision changes, confusion, and numbness. You husband had all of these symptoms. I believe he fell it was likely when the attack occurred."

He had been sick the entire time. Sara was appalled with herself for not being nicer to Grissom earlier, and for not forcing him to come to the hospital sooner and most of all for not making him tell her what was wrong with him. He was sick at the office, and she let her anger at him blind her judgment.

"Will he recover? Is there lasting damage? I don't understand he did not have the symptoms of a stroke. …"

The doctor let her ramble for a few seconds and when she finished he explained, "A TIA resolves itself and leaves almost no lasting damage. So there is no lasting damage. He will need to make some changes to his life style, including seeing his family doctor more often. In addition, he will need to start taking blood pressure medicine, and possibly taking antiplatelet medicine such as warfarin. Right now I have prescribed him blood pressure medicine and to take a daily dose of baby aspirin, which is an anticlotting medicine, but not as troubling as something like warfarin."

"So he'll be ok?" Sara still could not wrap her head around the fact Grissom had a mini-stroke and would be ok

"Yes. He could go home tonight if I were to release him. While it's a serious warning sign, the condition itself is not overly dangerous. As long as he makes the life style changes, and takes the medicine, he will likely not have a stroke. His family doctor will want to do some follow up test, and keep an eye on him because it is possible in the future he could have a stroke and/or heart attack. But as I said, with the medicine it is unlikely."

"He could go home tonight?"

"Yes, but I want to keep him. He also was dehydrated, and we have him on a drip for that. It was good you brought him in. Most people ignore the TAI and go on to have the a stroke within months or even weeks."

"When will he be able to go back to work?"

"He is a supervisor right?" The doctor asked looking at Grissom's medical history that had been in the hospital computer from when he had his surgery on his ear.

"Yes. He is a crime scene investigator."

"Well he should be able to return to work than in 24 hours. After a little rest, he should not have any trouble. If he was working construction or some other extremely manual labor job than I would want him to rest a bit longer." The doctor stated knowing this often shocked patients that their loved one could return to work so soon after this medical emergency.

"When can I see him?"

"Now if you wish. I can have a nurse take you to his room. When I left him he was resting."

"And you told him all of this already?" Sara asked.

"Yes." The doctor said, "He promised to make an appointment with his family doctor tomorrow."

"Thank you." Sara said still confused by Grissom's condition.

As soon as the doctor left, Sara deiced to fill Catherine in on Grissom's condition. She had weighed the option of not telling Catherine, as Sara knew Grissom probably wanted to keep it private. However, Sara thought Catherine needed to know, it may not have been her place, but people cared about Grissom and they needed to know he was ok.

When the nurse came Sara hung up from Catherine and followed the nurse to Grissom's room. At the door Sara noticed Grissom appeared to look a lot better than he had when she brought him in.

When Grissom noticed Sara he shifted to sit up in the bed a bit more, not sure what she knew, "You are still here?"

"Of course. Did you think I was just going to drop you off and take off?"

Grissom had thought just that. He did not understand why Sara had waited.

"I spoke with the doctor. He thought I was your wife." Sara said softly, "He said you are going to be ok as long as you make some changes."

"I already talked to him." Grissom said not sure if he was upset about Sara knowing what happened. He decided he was not after all; he would have ignored it all if it had not been for Sara making him go to the hospital.

"So are you feeling better? You look better."

"yes I do feel better." Grissom said, "You told Catherine?"

"Yes."

Grissom had expected it after Sara showed up to his room and told him the doctor had told her everything. "You want to have that talk now?"

"It can wait." Sara said knowing Grissom should rest.

"I owe you an apology. I truly never meant to hurt you Sara." Grissom said starting the conversation despite Sara's insistence it could wait. He knew it was now or never, Sara truly meant to leave this time, she probably meant to leave previous time too. However, this time seemed different because he was not sure he could talk her out of it. "I did not fully realize how much I was hurting you and being disrespectful. You are a good CSI, one of the best. Any lab in the world would be lucky to have you."

Sara wanted to smile when he said she was a good CSI and any lab would be lucky to have her, she knew he meant it.

"I will put in for a transfer to a different shift. If it is what is necessary for you to stay." He truly hoped that was not the route she wanted to go, but if it was Grissom would move shifts. "I do not want you to leave. But if you decide you must, I will also be willing to write you a letter of recommendation. But I really do not want you to leave."

Since Grissom insisted on talking, Sara asked, "Why?"

Grissom was confused, "Why what?"

"Why do you not want me to leave?"

She had him in a corner and he knew it. He could say the lab needs her, and she would leave likely. Or he could tell the truth, that he wants her, he just does not know how or if he could actually be with her the way she deserves. That he is a broken shell of a man, and she deserves someone better. Choosing her felt like choosing between everything he had left in his life (his job) and choosing an uncertain future that would likely end in pain he swore he'd never feel again.

If the situation were different, Sara would have laughed as she watched Grissom struggle for words. He would look like he was getting ready to speak, open his mouth to say something, and than close it without saying a single word.

"I…" Grissom started, "The lab needs you."

"The lab will survive just fine without me." Sara replied her disappointment clear.

"Sara I don't know what you want me to say." Grissom said, "I don't know what to say without hurting you or giving you false hope."

"How about you tell me the same thing you told Lurie."

Grissom was shocked, how had she known what he had told Lurie?

Sara saw his surprise; "I was standing on the other side when you were interrogating him with Brass."

What were his options now? He could tell Sara he meant none of it, or he could tell her that it was all true. It was true he was too scared to open up to her because she would find someone better. Once she knew him she would see he was broken, and no one wanted a broken toy. He was not even sure he was capable of loving someone else anymore.

"I meant what I said Sara." The truth shall set you free, whoever said that was never in the same situation Grissom found himself in, but mostly the truth was easier than lying.

"That I was not worth the risk."

"Yes." Grissom answered, "Sara you do not even know who I am, and you claim to care about me to want to be with me. But you don't know me."

"Because you won't let anyone know you Grissom." Sara snapped, she had been trying to keep her emotions in check. A fight was the last thing Grissom needed. "You run away and hide all the time. You try not to feel anything. Feeling is life Grissom. Not letting people know you means you will die alone, unknown, and unhappy. I know that is not what you want. Why is it so hard for you to open up just a little to people?"

"The problem is you don't mean people, you mean you. Why won't I open up to you."

"That's a nice starting place." Sara said lowering her voice to hide the anger she felt.

"I can't."

"I know." Sara said, "you've said that a million times. But why?"

"I don't know." Grissom said.

"Well when you do find me and let me know." Sara said, "Get some rest Griss."

"Sara…" Grissom called to her before she left the room.

"Yes?" Sara said turning around.

"Please don't go."

"Please don't go now? Or please don't go at all."

"Both." Grissom answered.

"I cannot keep doing this Griss. I am not like you. I cannot just shut my emotions off."

Grissom wished he could tell her he would try, try to let her in, try to change, try to show her how much he cared, but they both knew he would only say it to keep her near. He would try for a bit, and he would fail. He knew it was best for him to let her go. She needed to move on, but he was too selfish to let her walk away. "The team needs you. I'll move to day shift or swing. No reason for you to leave."

"Griss I'm going. I hope you feel better soon." Sara said leaving the room before he could change her mind. As she left the room she called back truly wishing it for him, "Have a nice life Griss."

When Sara got home she felt drained and she wanted to sleep, but she knew it was the last thing that would happen tonight. Instead she plugged her iPod into the doc, and grabbed her laptop. It was time to find another as far away from Las Vegas as she could. The plan of attack was simple, email her old boss maybe she could get that job back, make a list of cities/states she wanted to live in, and check to see if they had openings.

The music filtered into the room from her iPod doc speakers while she worked on emailing her former boss in San Francisco.

Love will abide, take things in stride
Sounds like good advice, but there's no one at my side
And time washes clean love's wounds unseen
That's what someone told me, but I don't know what it means.

Dear former boss, please take me back. My current boss, well I came to Vegas in hopes of having a life with him, but he is an emotionally stunted 50 year old man who acts like a child. I would say my mom warned me to stay away from men like this, but well my mom was never around to warn me about these men.

She decided that probably was not the best email to send to her former boss asking if she could get a job back at that lab. Deleting the email she leaned back on the couch and decided to listen to the music. Which was the worse idea she ever had. Her iPod was out to get her. Why did it have to play this song of all songs?

Cause I've done everything I know to try and make you mine
And I think I'm gonna love you for a long long time

Maybe she could write Grissom a letter, and than the guys in the lab a letter. She did not want the guys blaming Griss for her leaving. It was not completely Grissom's fault. As a grown woman she should have moved on a long time ago, when Grissom made it clear he was unable or unwilling to love her back. She was not even sure if she loved him. What about him even made her want him?

Dear Griss, you are an asshole and you broke my heart. Sincerely Sara. Probably not the best letter, but she knew again, she could not blame Grissom for all of this. He may have toyed with her heart on a few occasions, and the invite to Vegas was misleading. If she had known this was what she was coming to Vegas for, the loneliness, the heartbreak, she would have stayed in San Francisco.

Maybe a letter to the guys would be easier to write.

Dear Nick, Greg, and Warrick,

By now you guys may have heard I will not be returning to work. I am sorry I did not get a chance to say goodbye to each of you. You guys are like the brothers I never had. I have to leave, and it is for the best. I need to start new somewhere else. I will contact you all when I settle down somewhere, and you all will have to come visit!

I do not want you all to blame Grissom for my leaving. Nick and Greg, this is for you, I know you will blame him. It is not his fault. I swear I am not leaving because of something Grissom did/didn't do or say. I am leaving because I need to move on and I think I want to finish my graduate degree. Try to be kind to Grissom he is going through something's, and he needs friends, even if he acts like he does not.

Sincerely,

Sara

It seemed ok, she wanted to go back and read it tomorrow. She would email the guys once she settled somewhere, and explain everything a bit more. Now a letter for Grissom.

Dear Grissom,

The other envelope has my letter of resignation in it. Please pass that onto whoever needs it. I am sorry for not giving more notice, but I cannot do this anymore. Please do not blame yourself. You are partly at fault, yes, but I am also at fault. I let the guys know this without giving them much detail about why I was leaving. I don't want them to blame you for my departure. I truly hope that you can one day find someone who loves you, and you can love them back. I had hoped it would be me, but I understand now it will never be. You could never quite explain the why, but I understand that it is, and some things just are.

Please do me one favor. Next time you come across a love struck female, please do not toy with her like you have me. No one deserves the pain that you caused by trying to keep ahold of me and yet keep me at a distance. I know you did not do it on purpose, and I honestly can say I will forgive you in time. I know I should have known better.

You asked me why I even choose you to like. It caught me off guard. However, I have the answer now, or sort of an answer. I know now that you are a good man, despite your flaws. In San Francisco when I first meant you, it was a bit of a schoolgirl crush. Even when I first moved to Vegas it was a bit of a schoolgirl crush. However, that changed when I saw how excited you got about things. The cockroaches you raced, the way your face lit up like a little boy at Christmas made me care for you even more. How you felt about your bugs, even though at first I thought they were disgusting, you made me want to learn about them. The passion you had for what we do, for solving a case, following the evidence until it all made sense. That endeared you to me even more. I saw you care, when you thought no one was looking. Occasionally, I saw emotions you tried to hide. I know you feel things, and you care, but for some reason you seem them as weaknesses. They aren't. Emotions are what make us who we are, just try to feel them some time, you are human after all.

The moment I knew I would probably never stop caring about you was the moment you showed up to pick me up after my almost DUI. The way you held me that night and told me everything would be fine. I knew you felt something for me, but I could not understand why you could not let yourself feel it. I still do not, and I have accepted I never will.

I realized recently that I have to leave. I wish I could say it was everything finally building up but it not. What really made me realize I needed to leave was a slow boil that started when I listened to a Ted X talk about the question Are you human, by Ze Frank. The last questions at the end made me realize it was time for me to build futures without you because I would never be able to build a future with you.

Maybe that was the letter she wanted to send?

Caught in my fears
Blinking back the tears
I can't say you hurt me when you never let me near
And I never drew one response from you….
Cause I've done everything I know to try to make you mine
And I think it's gonna hurt me for a long long time.

A/N:This will be it for a couple of weeks (I write this and realize this is rarely true, but it might be this time). You all have caught up to what I have managed to get out of my head into a word document. Job market opened which means no hiding if I want a TT job next year. Writing cover letters, teaching statements, and research statements is hard and depressing.

ALSO THANK YOU FOR READING!