A/N: I am extremely sorry for the delay in writing! Sorry job market, dissertation, teaching, and getting an invited book chapter done have taken over my life. If it does not have to do with criminological theory it does not seem to exist in my world. It probably will be another 2 weeks before the next chapter is up. I truly am sorry folks. I know where I want to go, have it mapped out in my head, and just finding the time to write this (and not feel guilty for not working) is the issue.

Anyways, I hope you all stay with it (and hopefully the wait is worth it), and as always I am extremely grateful for the reviews.

Song is by Finger Eleven and the mentioned Ted talk is worth watching if you have not already.

Chapter 7: Sacrifice

"Welcome back Griss." Catherine said hugging the night shift supervisor when she saw him enter the building.

"Thanks." Grissom said expecting Catherine to give him hell for coming back to work so soon. Clearly he thought too soon.

"Should you be back so soon after?"

"Yes the doctor cleared me and I have an appointment tomorrow with my doctor to get a check up, and set up any future appointments." Grissom said, "really I am fine. You can call the ER doc if you don't believe me."

"Ok." Catherine said still worried about Grissom

"How is the Howard case going?"

"No idea. Nick was working on it a bit last night I think. Brass said he'd call you to see how you were doing and maybe go over some of the new stuff with you."

"Thanks Cath. I'll give him a call before I pass out assignments. Can you let me know when everyone gets in for shift?" Grissom asked happy to be back at work.

"Sure." Catherine said studying Grissom just to make sure he really was ok. He seemed ok.

Grissom walked into his office and he saw both envelopes sitting on his desk. One was addressed specifically to him and the other envelope was blank on the front. Dread overcame him because he knew one of those was Sara's resignation letter. He had spent the day trying to figure out a way to get Sara to stay, and he knew there was little he could do, short of opening up to her. That did not seem like an option, as it was too dangerous, for him.

Before he could open the letter from Sara his phone rang. The display told him it was Brass. He knew he needed to answer this call. Putting the letter down he dragged his finger across the screen to answer.

"Hello."

"You at the office?" Brass asked, the sound of traffic in the background.

"Yes."

"Did your doctor clear you?"

"Does anyone not know about my incident?" Grissom asked feeling as if his privacy had been invaded.

"Catherine told me. I don't think she told the team yet." Brass said.

"How is the case going?"

"It is moving slowly." Brass said.

"That way my not so subtle way of asking for an update." Grissom answered back feeling annoyed by Brass. More annoyed that Brass had called before Grissom had a chance to read the letter from Sara.

"You were right about the neighbor. I don't like him for it."

"Any evidence to support that?"

"His alibi is solid." Brass said giving the details he knew Grissom would want, "During the time of death window, the neighbor was out of town with his wife. They were in Los Angels having dinner."

"Did the wife know about the affair?" Grissom asked.

"No. Still doesn't. He also did not know why anyone would want to have the Howards murdered. He suggested maybe it was something Mark was into at the bank."

"Any evidence of that?" Grissom asked.

"No. The co-workers did not seem to have any idea why anyone would harm the Howards."

"I would like to talk to a few of his co-workers. Maybe the neighbor is onto something. Whoever killed the Howards saved Mark for last, and they wanted him to see them torture his family."

"We can do it first thing in the morning." Brass said. "If you are up for it?"

"I am fine." Grissom said trying to keep his anger in check.

"Ok. If you say so." Brass replied, "I will pick you up in the morning than."

It did not take long for everyone to notice Sara was missing from the before shift meeting. Grissom explained that she had requested the day off, and possibly a bit of more time off. He had not known Sara had already informed the guy she was leaving. If he had been more aware of his team he would have known they already knew she quit because he was receiving glares from both Nick and Greg. Warrick decided not to take sides.

After giving assignments, Grissom asked Nick to update him on the Howards case, as that was going to be Grissom main focus all night. Nick coldly updated him and left on his new case without so much as a word about Sara.

Grissom rushed back to his office after the meeting and decided to take a few moments of time to read Sara's letter before he started working on the Howards case again.

Opening the letter addressed to him he read it. Each word felt like a stab to the heart, as he read about exactly how much he had hurt her. She was stronger than he could ever hope to be, and this letter proved that. Quickly he Googled the Ted X talk she had mentioned in her letter, as being the catalyst for her decided it was time to leave.

"Are you human?" He laughed at the title, not a laugh that meant it was funny, but a bitter laugh because it was the very question Sara had asked him on more than one occasion. Listening to the talk, he laughed at the start, it proved he was human. It was not until the end he saw exactly what Sara had mentioned. It was these words that made him realize exactly what he was losing when Sara choose to leave:

Have you ever had a conversation with yourself and suddenly realized you're a real asshole to yourself?

Has your phone ever run out of a battery in the middle of an argument, and it sort of felt like the phone was breaking up with both of you?

Have you ever thought that working on an issue between you is futile because it should just be easier than this? Or this is supposed to happen just naturally?
Have you ever realized very little in the long run just happens naturally?

Have you ever been woken up blissfully and suddenly been flooded by the awful remembrance that someone has left you?
Have you ever lost the ability to imagine a future without a person that no longer way in your life?

Have you ever looked back on the event with the sad smile of autumn, and the realization that future will happen regardless?

Congratulations you have now completed the test you are all human.

He knew he needed to work on the Howards case, so much time had passed by since their deaths, but it was now or never. If he did not go find Sara now, she would be gone tomorrow, and any future with her, no matter what the future would hold, would be impossible. There would be no Sara in his life, and that was something he was not sure he was ready to for. Time would go on, but he was not sure it was a life he wanted to live.

"Catherine." Grissom called her name as soon as he was out of his office. He almost ran into Warrick who was bringing him a cup of coffee.

"She's in the lab." Warrick said moving back before Grissom could rush into him. "you ok?"

"Fine." Grissom said rushing to the lab to find Catherine. As soon as he got the door open he called, "Can you cover for me for a bit?"

"Yes. You ok?" Catherine asked worried about her friend.

"Fine. I just need to go handle something."

"Go. If anything new comes in I'm sure we can handle it."

This was probably the most unprofessional thing Grissom had done since being in Vegas. Leaving in the middle of his shift to go find someone who he cared about, to tell her he cared about her, that he needed her.

The second most unprofessional thing he had done was ask one of the techs to track Sara's phone when he found out she was not home. Now, standing in front of the window of the bar, he felt a weird sensation, standing outside looking in through the window at her. She was flirting with another man, a man that was not him. He allowed himself for a second to imagine if it had been him, instead of the other guy she had been flirting with. At one time he could have been that man, but he screwed that up. Too scared to open again to anyone because he knew where that would end.

Despite his feelings about her and his active imagination, he came here for a purpose. Opening the door to the bar he walked inside looking around out of pure habit. No one he knew would be there because he did not know very many people outside of work. Walking up next to her he tapped her on the shoulder.

Sara turned and was surprised to see Grissom standing over her.

These things are eventual and I can't be to careful
There's nothing more gradual than I what choose to show
And you've been patient with me alright
But does that end tonight

Seeing he had her attention he asked over the music, "I need to talk to you and you were not answering."

"Typically when people don't answer the phone that means they either do not want to talk to you or they are busy. Either option works here. I know as a sub-human you probably do not understand what that means." Sara replied, clearly drunk and without a filter to stop her from letting her anger out.

Grissom took the insult and said nothing regarding it. He knew he deserved it and much worse. However, it hurt him because he had expected some sympathy because of his scare the night before, and it was clear drunk Sara was not going to give him any.

"Can we please go somewhere else to talk?" He called over the music.

"No I'm good here." Sara said turning away from him going back to the other guy she had been talking to.

Grissom stood behind her at the bar for a minute before he decided what to do next. He once again tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention. When she turned to him again he said, "Please we really need to talk."

"Griss you are not my boss anymore so I don't give a damn what you think we need to do." Her words were coming out much easier than they may have previously.

The stranger she had been talking to decided it was time to step in, "Is he bothering you?"

"Yes." Sara said, "I'm trying to have a good time with…" she laughed, "Sorry I forgot your name."

"Jared."

"Yes I'm trying to have a good time talking with James here…"

The guy interrupted, "Jared,"

"Jared James same difference, And you keep interrupting it Griss. Time for you to go."

Grissom did not walk away, instead he started to talk to Sara again, "Come on Sara let me take you home and we can talk later today." He had his hand on her arm but she yanked it away.

Jared decided to stand up and handle the annoying dude who was cock blocking him. "Time for you to go. The lady already told you."

Grissom shook his head, the last thing he wanted to do was get into a bar fight. "Sara please." He tried again getting her attention.

Jared grabbed Grissom hand off Sara and pushed Grissom back away from them. "Leave before I make you leave."

Sara said, "Leave him alone James. He was sick yesterday. Almost had a stroke."

"Just trying to protect you." Jared said annoyed with both the man who was cock blocking him, and the woman who clearly could not remember his name.

Grissom refused to leave Sara with this dick. "Sara please come with me. This is not you."

"Grissom you don't even know who I am to tell me whether or not this is me. Not that you ever cared to get to know me." Sara said ignoring the fact that Mark now stood between her and Grissom.

"James can you believe this man." Sara said looking at Grissom while she spoke, "I threw myself at him. Gave him multiple chances, I left my home for him, and he wanted nothing to do with me."

"He must be an idiot." Jared said to Sara, "You want me to gently escort the old man out?"

"Yes please." Sara said turning back to her drink. In her mind James would just walk Grissom outside and that would be the end of that.

"You heard the lady." Jared said pushing Grissom again.

Grissom was not leaving without Sara. She was too drunk, and someone like Jared would take advantage of that. He knew the Sara he cared about would regret it in the morning. "I'll leave if she leaves."

"Not going to happen." Jared said, "That leaves us with two options, either you turn around and leave or I'll make you leave. If I were you I'd take the first option."

Grissom stood his ground, "Sara please. You don't have to leave with me, just leave go home."

"I'm having too much fun Grissom." Sara said downing another shot.

Grissom tried to walk towards Sara only angered Jared. While Grissom was trying to get Sara's attention he failed to notice that Jared had enough with him. Jared's fist connected with Grissom's abdomen knocking the wind out of the scientist and sending him stumbling back and hunching over in pain. It felt like he was dying, he could not breathe, he was trying to breathe but nothing was happening. He looked like a fish out of water trying to gasp for oxygen that refused to enter his body. When it finally did Grissom sucked in breath after breath trying to ignore the pain in his abdomen.

"Come on." Jared said grabbing Grissom's shirt collar and pulling the man towards the exit. Grissom did not offer much of a struggle because he was still reeling from the pain of the gut punch.

Once outside Jared pushed Grissom into the building, sending Grissom's back smashing into the brick building.

"I told you if I had to walk you out you would not enjoy it." Jared said sending a second punch into Grissom's stomach.

This time Grissom bent over in agony and fell to his knees. What little food he had eaten that day came out in the form of vomit all over Jared's Nike shoes. Jared was not very happy about that development.

"Son of a bitch." Jared said kicking Grissom in the side sending the scientist to the ground curling up on his side.

Inside the bar, one of the bartenders spoke to Sara, "You might want to listen to your friend and leave before Jared comes back. Jared's not a nice guy."

Sara was surprised by the bartenders frankness. Where was James anyways. Did he leave with Grissom? Didn't matter, it was time for her to leave anyways. She may have had too much to drink. Paying her bill she left as she was walking out she bumped into Jared coming back in.

"Where you going?"

"I need to go home." Sara said trying to get around the big guy.

"Why don't I drive you." Jared said smiling at her, he was so sure he was going to get some tonight.

"No that's fine. I am actually going to my friends house."

"Not the guy you just had me take out."

"No. My friend Catherine was expecting me." Sara said wondering why she had chosen Catherine.

Jared brought his hand up to pull Sara to him but Sara noticed his knuckles were swollen.

"What happened to your hand?" Sara asked.

"Your friend."

"You hit him?"

"He didn't want to leave. Than the dick puked on me." Jared said looking down at his shoe.

"What! You hit him. Did you hurt him?" Sara asked suddenly worried about Grissom. He had just been at the hospital last night, and now he was getting beat up. This was not good.

"He's fine." Jared said putting his arm around Sara.

"Get off me or I will call the police."

"What?" Jared screeched. "You asked me to make him leave."

"I didn't ask you to beat him up. Where is he?"

"Outside." Jared said.

"Get out of my way." Sara said pushing past Jared.

"Bitch you deserve a pussy like him. You fucking tease."

I will brave any trial by fire
But I'm just not ready to fall through your thin ice
I'll explain myself in time
But I'm just not ready to make that sacrifice
But I'm trying like I said I might

Sara did not respond she was too worried about Grissom. Looking around the front of the building she did not see him. Walking towards his car parked down the street, she looked in the alley between the bar and the next building and that was when she saw Grissom on the ground curled into himself.

"Griss." She said running to his side, "Can you get up?"

Grissom did not respond for a second he had been curled into a ball trying to protect himself from the onslaught of punches and kicks he received after vomiting on Jared's shoes. The pain from the beating was all he could feel and the blood rushing through his ears was all he heard.

"Come on Griss." Sara said gently touching him, "let me see the damage."

The gentle hands on his back made him relax some, and he uncurled. Looking up he saw Sara.

"Can you stand up?" She asked again her hands gently on his back making a slow rubbing motion as she felt the tremors of pain run through Grissom's back.

"Yeah." Grissom his voice nasally he could taste the metallic taste blood in his throat.

Sara helped him up to his feet and leaning against the building. "I didn't know James was going to do this when I asked him to make you leave."

Grissom would have rolled his eyes but it probably would hurt too much. Leaning against the building he took stock of the pain. His stomach hurt, but he was pretty sure it was just bruised. His nose was bleeding, but he did not think it was broke. He had hit the ground pretty hard with his face, so there were likely a few scrapes on his face too. Straitening out he confirmed his back hurt too, damn kidney kick had been painful. He assessment was he was bruised, but he would survive. He had not taken an ass kicking like that since he was a kid running home from the bullies.

"Come on lets get you to the hospital." Sara said putting her arm around him to steady him.

"Don't need the hospital." Grissom said moving away from Sara.

"Are you sure? After last night…"

"Yes." Grissom replied before she could finish. He was sure he was fine. The doctor had told him he would be fine as long as he sought out treatment.

"You could be seriously hurt." Sara said, "You are bleeding."

"I am fine Sara." Grissom said wanting to walk to his car and leave her behind, but he could not make himself leave that alley without her no matter how much his brain told him he should.

Sara rolled her eyes, "If you won't go to the hospital at least come back to my place so I can clean you up. It's closer to here than your house."

The loud music from the bar filtered out into the night taking up what would have been silence between Grissom and Sara.

These things are unusual for me I should explain
No mind should have ever dreamt of such fictitious pain
There is a story in there somewhere
But I'm not sure you care

Grissom stared at her not sure if he wanted to go to her apartment, "Can we talk than?"

"I guess since you took a beating just to talk to me."

"Let's go than." Grissom said moving slowly towards his car.

"Where are you going?" Sara asked having turned the other direction.

"To drive us to your apartment."

"It's just a couple of blocks that way and you are not going to find any closer parking. We can walk." Sara said knowing Grissom was not in the shape to drive.

"Ok." Grissom said walking up next to Sara. They were a right sight to see. He was moving slowly, holding his stomach, and Sara was stumbling and weaving for the couple of blocks it took to get to her apartment.

She led him up the stairs and down the hallway to her apartment. Once inside she said, "Have a seat on the couch let me go get a wash cloth and the first aid kit."

Grissom moved over to the couch and gingerly lowered himself onto the couch. Resting his head back against the couch he realized just how tired he was. He could sleep right now, and probably would not wake until morning.

Sara returned and gently wiped the blood and street grime from his face. Her fingers were gentle and made his skin tingle as she lightly touched his face. She smelt good too. Her breath smelt like a brewery, but her body it smelt like lilacs and maybe sandalwood.

"Am I hurting you?" She asked noticing he was breathing deeply.

"No." Grissom replied.

"I think your nose already stopped bleeding." She said wiping gently under it removing blood. Finishing with cleaning his face she decided to apply some antiseptic to the cuts on his face from the pavement, "Just so it won't get infected." She said wiping the alcohol across the cuts listening to Grissom hiss as he breathed in.

"Ok take your shirt off. I think I have an ice pack in the freezer." Sara stated as she got off the couch, she was ignoring Grissom who looked at her like she had lost her mind.

Returning with the ice pack Sara started at Grissom who still sat in his shirt. "Come on. You promised you'd let me check you over. Take the shirt off so I can make sure you don't have any broken bones."

"I don't." Grissom said not wanting to take his shirt off in front of Sara, at least this was never the way he expected to do so.

"It's the deal. If you want to talk take the shirt off so I can check."

"I thought the deal was since Jared choose to use me as his own personal punching bag with your consent we could talk."

"Well I'm changing the deal." Sara said.

"What is to make me think you won't change the deal again?"

"Griss quit being such a baby and take the damn shirt off." Sara said getting frustrated with him.

Grissom listened this time and slowly unbuttoned his shirt. He held his breath as Sara gentle, smooth fingers brushed over his abdomen, and his side. She was not hurting him, but her touch made his skin burn.

"Just bruised." She said placing the ice pack gently against his stomach, which had the worse bruising. "Going to hurt tomorrow."

"Hurts now." Grissom growled as the ice agitated the bruises.

"Do you want some coffee or water?" Sara said getting away from Grissom.

"Water please."

Sara returned with a bottle of water for Grissom and a cup of coffee for herself. "What did you want to talk about?"

"I have not turned your letter of resignation in yet."

"Why?" Sara asked upset because she was ready to move on. San Francisco had an opening if she wanted it. Something, however, had stopped her from saying yes and finding an apartment in San Francisco.

"I don't want you to leave."

"Why?" Sara asked.

"Because you are a great colleagues, an even better friend, you don't just pick up and leave unannounced like this."

"Griss we are not friends. You made it abundantly clear you wanted nothing to do with me. You just wanted me to follow you around like a lost puppy dog."

The hurt that came through her voice was painful for him to hear. Had he hurt her that much? "That was never my intention…"

"You know it's for the better anyways. Me leaving. I do not want to turn into you Griss. I thought I did, and I thought I wanted you, but I am pretty sure it was the just the idea of you. Getting to know you the past few months made me realize I do not want to be with you or you."

That had hurt, and he had not expected it to hurt this much. The old feeling of someone grasping his heart and squeezing it came back. His chest tightened. "I'm sorry I did not live up to your expectations."

"I do have one question for you." Sara said, "Well two actually. Though if I ask you'll probably just ignore them. So why even bother."

"Sara ask, I'll try to answer them." Grissom said honestly. He hoped he could give her the answer, maybe than he could convince her to stay for the team, for him, for the lab.

"If you wanted nothing to do with me why did you invite me to com to Vegas?"

Grissom looked at her, how could he give her the answer she wanted? What was the answer she wanted to hear? He'd tell her anything. Deciding honesty was the only way he was going to get to her he told her the truth, "When I invited you down here things were not as complicated as when you arrived."

"What does that mean? You always talk in these stupid riddles that mean nothing." Sara said getting annoyed and one step from kicking out the injured man.

"When I invited you down I was not the night shift supervisor. I was just one of the team. By the time you arrived I had been made acting night shift supervisor. When I called you I had every intention of perusing a relationship with you. But when I was appointed as the night shift supervisor I knew any relationship with you would not be possible."

"What do you mean by relationship?" Sara asked knowing she had the upper hand. Grissom was opening up because he had no other choice.

"Friendship maybe something more in time." Grissom answered. He could not tell her he was unwilling to ever love again no matter how much he cared for someone.

Sara shook her head upset that he just wanted to be friends. "So I never had a chance with you?"

Grissom looked at her, he did not want to talk about it. God he wanted to get up and run from this apartment, but he knew if he left she would leave for good. "Not exactly. I care about you Sara, but I would not be good for you. I could not love you like you want me to. You should not care for me, I'm not a good person."

"What makes you such a bad person?"

"Sara I'm a selfish jerk. I find it hard to not chase down whatever catches my fancy at work, and I live for what we do. I do not have room for anyone else in my life. I am married to work, and that is well known. For the longest time I accepted that was my lot in life. I deserved to be alone. "

"Why do you deserve to be alone? And you still have not told me why you are such a bad person other than being a selfish jerk."

"Isn't that enough?" Grissom tried to joke but it clearly was not working. "I only hurt those who care about me, and who I care about. I am not good for people. It is better for everyone if I just focus on work."

"Who says?"

"Everyone." Grissom said, "Like you said I'm not normal, I lack empathy or compassion for others. I am who I am, and I am not going to change. I have tried to change, and it didn't work."

"So I never had a chance?" Sara asked again.

He lowered his head, "I don't know."

"An honest enough answer." Sara said hiding her pain, "Second question."

Grissom wanted to object and say she had quite a few questions already, but he wanted her to stay. However, the question she asked had taken him completely by surprised, it felt as if Jared had punched him in the stomach again when Sara said the name.

"Who is Anna?"

"Sara please." Grissom begged knowing he could not answer this question.

"Who is Anna? Answer it or leave." Sara said noticing that Grissom was uncomfortable again, and she could see he was already struggling with himself wanting to leave.

"If I answer will you stay?"

"Probably not."

"Than why should I answer."

"To show you are willing to try to be open with me. Last time you were here I told you about my family, and you held me and told me everything was going to be ok. Never once have you opened up to me, despite me opening up to you."

"Sara please don't make me answer this question." Grissom begged, and it was a side of him Sara had never seen. He face was open book for her to read, and she saw raw pain in his eyes. It was not the physical pain either, this was a deep emotional pain she was not sure Grissom could ever feel.

"Who is she?"

"Please stay. The team needs you. The lab needs you. I need you."

"How do you need me Grissom?"

"You aren't being fair Sara. You cannot expect me to just…" Grissom did not know what to say, she was not being fair.

"Just what?"

Exasperated beyond a point he had been in his recent past, Grissom spoke again "Yes I want you to stay, in part for me. Did I not make that clear tonight when I let your friend Jared beat me up, just so I could make sure you got home safe." Sighing in order to control his emotion he continued, "You told me a few times that actions speak louder than words. Or does that only apply when my actions are against what you want?"

"Who is Anna?" Sara asked ignoring the question and admission by Grissom.

"I can't."

"Can't or won't?"

"Does it matter?" Grissom said, "No matter what I say or do you are going to leave. I just told you I wanted you to stay for me."

"I know. I heard." Sara said, "But that is not enough. It does not mean anything is going to change. You'll pull me in close to you, and just as soon as I get close you'll push me back out. I am asking you to try to be open with me."

"I have since we got here. I answered your questions."

"Answer my last one."

"If I answer will you stay?" Grissom asked not sure if she said yes he would answer the question.

"I don't know."

"Sara please don't make me." Grissom said wondering when she got all of the power. Cause she could make him, and he would tell her if she said she would stay.

"At least tell me who she is?" Sara gave in, she had never seen this side of Grissom. That one question, Who is Anna, left Grissom wide open to Sara. All his emotions were visible on his face, despite any attempt he may have made to hide them. The raw pain in his voice, a pleading look in his eyes, made Sara want to stop everything and hug him. He was telling her with everything he could he would answer whatever question she wanted, but this one, this was to much. This one questions was painful. Sara felt for him because if anything, she knew Grissom could not deal with emotions, not emotions like these. He hid them, and she used to do exactly the same thing. However, emotions have a way of never going away if you do not deal with them. Emotions don't just not go away, the intensify and grow more painful with each passing attempt to snuff them out. Sara knew that if Grissom gave in, just a bit, she would stay. It was in this moment she knew there was a man there, not just her imagination. A man who had a deep pain, that he had been hiding for who knows how long. It was in that moment Sara saw Grissom, the real Grissom, not just the façade he wore around everyone.

"Who she was." Grissom spoke softly, almost so soft that it was inaudible.

"Was?" Sara said.

"Yes was, as in past tense." Grissom said feeling anger building inside of him. He did not want to open this wound, it was too painful. How dare Sara force him to rip the scab off and let the demons out. He wanted to tell her to go to hell, that no one needed her, that she would be better off somewhere else. His anger was not so much at Sara, but because of the pain, the emotional pain he had tried to keep buried in a nice safe place inside him. However, he knew losing Sara would be as painful. The tightening of his chest at the thought of her leaving told him what he needed to know. The pain from her leaving would be hard to hide away, to ignore.

His chest felt tight, it felt like he couldn't breathe. Was he having another attack? The doctor said it was likely if he did not get treatment, but it was not like it would happen the next day. It would be weeks at the least, and months at the most.

Sara saw Grissom's struggle and became worried, "Griss are you ok?"

It felt like the room was closing in on him, he was struggling to breath. It wasn't an attack, at least not the one he feared, this was a panic attack. He was terrified of telling Sara about Anna, terrified of that wound being opened again.

"Yes." Grissom said struggling to bring his breathing back to a normal rhythm. He closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of Sara's fingers on his wrist, she was checking his pulse.

"Just breath. Do I need to call an ambulance?"

"No." Grissom said, "I'll be fine in a minute."

Sara kept checking his pulse as she saw Grissom begin to relax with each passing minute.

Finally when his breathing was once again under control he said, "I'm trying." He paused for a few seconds, "I have been trying Sara."

"Trying what? To tell me who Anna was?"

"To not push you away." Grissom said, "I can't stop myself. Each time I see you with another man I seethe with jealously. I try to pull you close to me to keep you away from them. I'm not good enough for you, but neither are any of the guys you've been with. The minute you get too close I push you away, and I do it without even thinking. I know I keep hurting you doing this. I can't stop myself. But I will only hurt you Sara. In the long run I will hurt you. I am not good for people. Some people were made to be alone, and I am one of those people."

They sat in silence for a bit at Grissom's admission, "If I promised to try not to hurt you anymore, to just be friends, would you stay?"

"You said yourself you push me away without thinking. What is to stop you from doing it?"

"You can call me on it when I do, and I will stop."

"Why won't you tell me who Anna is?"

"Because she is part of the reason I cannot be with you like you want me to."

"Who was she?"

"Someone who I loved once."

"How did she die?"

"Please." Grissom said getting up. Part of him needed to escape the room, but he knew if he left now Sara would be gone.

"Sit down." Sara said standing up herself and pushing him down by gently pushing his shoulders down, she could feel the warmth of his body on his bare skin.

"Don't make me please." Grissom said.

"I am not making you do anything Griss."

"You are, you are telling me my options are to tell you everything you want to know. To bare everything to you. To tell you something I've never spoken of with anyone before, or let you leave."

"Why do you want me to stay so bad?"

"I care about you Sara." Grissom said, "And the thought of you leaving makes my chest tighten. I do not want to lose you."

"You don't have me Griss. You made it clear that you do not want me."

Grissom was annoyed at that comment, "Sara there is a difference between not wanting someone and knowing you are not right for that person." Grissom said almost in a growl.

He followed that comment in a much lower voice, "I care too much about you to let you be with someone like me."

"Don't you think I should get to make that choice. And how can you know you are not good for me." Sara replied trying to look Grissom in the eyes but he refused to let her see him.

Grissom kept looking at his hands that now sat in his lap, "No. I will not be responsible for hurting another person. I am sorry it has to be that way. I will be your friend. I will do my best to not push you away, or make your life difficult when you find someone else. But I cannot hurt you Sara. I cannot do that to another person."

"Tell me how Anna died?" Sara said knowing this was the root of the problem, she could just feel it, and if she knew the answer than maybe she could get through to Grissom. It was no longer about getting Grissom to open up to her because he did. Now it was about figuring out how to get Grissom to see he is not the horrible person he thinks he is. The person who deserves to spend the rest of his life alone, never letting anyone love him, and quite possibly not even liking himself.

"Please Girss." Sara said grabbing his face and seeing the tears in Grissom's eyes. She gently wiped them away with her hands seeing how surprised he was when she touched him gently.

"She committed suicide." He spoke softly, lowering his eyes from her.

Sara was shocked when Grissom answered her question. Too shock to speak for a few seconds. Finally, she asked, "And you blame yourself?"

"Yes." Grissom answered moving to get up again, but Sara put her hand on his shoulder to keep him in place.

"I am sure it was not your fault."

"You don't mean that. You could very easily see how it was my fault." Grissom said anger blazing through him again. "Anyone could easily see how it was my fault. I'm am an uncaring bastard after all. Mr. Freeze, the Tin man, whatever they are using this week to indicate how unemotional I am."

Sara had been shocked by the anger, it was an emotion she had not expected, "No you are wrong. When someone decides to take their own life it is no one but their own fault that they died."

"I contributed."

"How?"

"I just did." Grissom said not wanting to tell her about the abortion, the rejection, and then his complete abandonment of Anna.

Sara wanted to tell him that they clearly all had been wrong about him not caring, they all had known when they had made those statements they were wrong. No one is unemotional, Griss was just better at hiding it. Instead she asked knowing she was so close to finding out the information needed to help Grissom. "Can you please tell me more?"

"I can't."

"Not to long ago I sat her and told you my horrible past. You told me talking about it would make me feel better. I didn't believe you at the time, but it did make me feel better. Sharing my burdens with you." Sara said shifting course, "I want to do the same for you Gil." She used his name to get her point across. She saw him flinch when she called him Gil. "Please open up to me. Tell me what happened. It will stay between us."

"I need to go." Grissom said standing up again, needed to escape from this place. He quickly pulled his shirt back on.

"Ok." Sara said understanding his need to escape. "Can you call me when you get home so I know you made it ok?"

"Yes." Grissom said shocked that she was fine with him leaving. "Are you leaving still?"

Sara saw nothing but vulnerability from Grissom. He had opened up to her the best he could, and it felt like she was clawing at dirt trying to dig him out of a hole he had dug for himself, and buried himself in. Was it enough? That was what he was asking her. Was this attempt enough to show her he cared, that he was trying to be with her. That he too had demons that haunted him, demons he was not yet strong enough to fight off. It was those demons, this new vulnerability, and everything else that made Sara care for Grissom even more, despite her wishing she could just walk away from him.

The question Sara had for herself was, did she want to help Grissom dig himself out of the hole? Or could she turn her back on him, knowing what little she knows, and letting him continue his life as he had.

"I'll see you at work tomorrow night." Sara said wondering if she was making the wrong decision to stay. It was very likely Grissom would push her away again, and it would hurt all over again.

"I'll throw your letter of resignation away." Grissom said walking towards the door.

"Thank you for telling me Griss."

"I didn't have much of a choice."

"But you did, and that means a lot to me." Sara said, "It shows me how much you care. Even if I felt like I was interrogating a suspect who refused to cooperate."

"I do care about you Sara."

"I know." Sara said, "We can try being friends. You look like you need a friend right now. I'm not going anywhere."

"You promise?" Grissom said, "Because this wasn't the first time you said you were leaving."

"I promise. You see telling people why you cannot be with them, opening up to them, helps them understand."

"Someday I'll try to tell you about her." Grissom said not saying Anna's name. But both occupants of the room knew exactly who he was talking about.

"That would be nice."