Don't leave me, don't ever leave me, Rose's mind now begged inside of the Doctor's. He couldn't tell if she meant to say it or not but regardless of her intentions her mind was crying it out. Please, don't ever leave me.
Never Rose. Never ever, he said feverishly.
Rose wasn't exactly sure why she had said it either. Though she didn't know much about the vision of the future they'd seen, that future that would separate them, she knew enough to know that the Doctor hadn't left her voluntarily. Whatever had happened they had been forced from each other; it wouldn't be by either of their choosing. So, she wasn't sure why she would need his reassurance that he wouldn't leave when she could tell he hadn't left. She hadn't exactly meant to say it but she did mean it.
Maybe it was because of what she had just sensed, that something else was coming, something different than that future but still something that could separate them. Though she didn't even know what that was yet, she feared it. She could feel that it, unlike the possible future, was certain to come and it was bad. Maybe that was what she needed his reassurance for.
You said, 'never say never,' she said remembering his words from a few nights ago. She had been frightened by them even then. She had felt so good that night getting him back, having him safe once again but his gloomy response had made her worry again. She had said that no one could separate them but he seemed to believe that it could be possible. She now knew that his words had been because he had sensed this storm coming. She had needed his assurance then and had not found it. This time he did not disappoint her.
I'm a liar. I'm such a fool, he said with passion pressing his forehead against hers. I could never leave you.
Never? she asked with insecurity.
There is only one thing that has ever made me think that I could leave you. Only one reason I would ever even want to try, he said after some hesitation.
Even now? Could you? she asked. After all they had been through, could he send her away as he once did? Those times in the past when he had tried to separate himself from her for her safety had been long before they had crossed the lines of joining themselves together. Nearly everything had changed since then.
She didn't worry about his leaving her as much as she once had. The day they had returned from Krop-Tor, when they had discovered they were bonded and had spent time telepathically linked, they had discussed the time he had sent her away. She had felt better after she had been able to share her feelings from that experience with him and finding out his side of that story. Feeling how much it was love for her that had motivated him to send her away from him had chased away the fear that it was something he had done lightly.
But even though she now knew his intentions it did not take all her fear away that it would happen again. In fact, now that she knew his intentions, knew that he sent her away to save her life, she knew that her insecurity and fear of him leaving her could never go away completely. He loved her and he would always want her safe.
She felt he was conflicted inside. Something inside of him made him hesitate to tell her he could never leave her. What had driven him to leave her all those times? What could possibly make him think he could or even would want to again?
As the questions were in her mind she felt him holding back something, something to say, the answer to those questions. There was something trying to come through but he was trying to keep it back. She could feel that it was hurting him to hold it back this long. She felt his restrain was fraying at the edges, ripping and tearing against the force of the truth and he would not be able to hold for long.
Let it go, she urged as she reached out and stroked his mind.
Of course there was only one reason he would choose to leave her. And of course she knew what it was. He had told that he had sent her away for her own safety but now she was able to see just how much he meant that. Her mind filled with images, possible futures that he had seen at one time or another. They were possibilities that could have been. Some of them weren't to be because they were in the past and had never happened. But others still remained to be seen; they were possibilities that had not yet been disproven.
All of them involved her death. Only a few of them were concrete, enough to where she could actually make out what had happened. But most were only hints of what would lead to her demise. Surprisingly, she could see how much worse the later was. They were far more terrifying because they were so vague they could happen at any time. There was not enough information for him to know when the danger had arrived and he would not be able to find a solution until it would be too late.
The more concrete possibilities were harder in another way. It was much more difficult to actually see her die but the Doctor felt at least he had some control over them. One of those visions was of her dying at Satellite 5. If he hadn't sent her away to her, if she hadn't come back to save him, she saw them there dying together as the delta wave killed every Dalek and Human and Time Lord in its path. She saw through his eyes as he would have had to look her in the face, knowing he was about to kill them all. She felt how excruciating it was for him to think about her burning and dying. Out of all the horror this would have caused her death was what he was most upset about. He couldn't even bear it. He wouldn't let it happen.
For him there was only one thing worse than dying without her. And that was dying with her. And that was why, in the past, he'd always been sure that he would send her away. If he could see the future and her death was in its path, he would remove her from the situation. He'd always been firm on that, until recently. Now he was unsure. Now the lines were blurry. He didn't know if he could do that any longer, he did not know if his mind would allow him that. With her so much a part of him, could he be strong enough to be that selfless?
She had always wondered how he could send her away. But after she had just seen what she had seen, she wondered how he could ever not send her away. Wouldn't she do the same if she was in the same position? If she could see time as he did and see that he would be in danger wouldn't she send him away too? She wasn't sure. Now that she could see time she figured it was a dilemma she could very well find herself in. But she hoped she never had to find out for herself. After feeling how terrible a weight it was for him to witness her death she could not imagine how he could have ever made any other decision.
How did you bear it? All this time, how did you bear it alone? she asked, amazed that he had carried such concern for her, the whole time they'd know each other and never been able to share it with anyone.
I knew how badly it hurt. I didn't want it to hurt you too if it didn't have to.
I suppose you don't really get a choice about that anymore do you? she said with a slight smile as she placed a hand on his cheek and stroked it with her thumb.
I suppose I don't, he said with relief and gratitude as he placed his hand over hers.
The Doctor didn't have a choice in what he showed her and what he didn't anymore. Everything they both were, the good and the bad, would become a part of the other as well. He would have thought that he would have been worried when that realization came to him but he wasn't. He didn't want to hide anything from her anymore. He knew her so much better these days than he used to and he knew she was more than capable of carrying the burdens along with him.
You knew there were times that you could save me but you also knew, even from the beginning, that there would be times that I could die that you wouldn't be able stop. You saw of hints and whispers of what they could be but not enough to stop them all, she said and she was in awe. She had never known the weight of all that he had carried to be with her. And still...you didn't run away.
I felt like it at times, he admitted.
I know. But you didn't. You buried yourself deeper in me and my life. You gave me this, she said in wonder, tears building behind her eye lids.
Don't...Rose don't.
I'm not saying goodbye. Feel the words; they're not a goodbye, they're a thank you. I knew what you had to gain from this but I never realized all you had to lose.
She thought about the conversation she and the Doctor had after she had met Sarah Jane. He had said it all then, though at the time they hadn't been bonded or even a couple. He would always be the last one. He would survive longer than her. No matter what happened he would be the one that would outlast her and he would be the one who would have to know what it felt like to lose everything they shared. He had always known this and yet he had decided to become this attached to her.
I have no regrets, he said taking her head in his hands. He knew what she was thinking about and he wanted her to understand. No matter what happens. It was all worth it to me. He rubbed his thumbs back and forth across her temples. She grabbed his wrists with her hands and held on, steadying herself as a delightful warmth radiated from the spots where his fingers stroked.
Just...keep saying it, he asked. He needed her to keep saying it; maybe if she said it enough times he could convince himself that leaving her was never the best option. Even if her survival was at stake he needed to remember how sending her away made her feel. He wasn't sure he could be convinced but he needed to try, so that he would remember that they were a pair, that they had to be together.
He wanted to believe that he wouldn't leave her now. They were so deeply bound together he wanted to believe that he wouldn't ever send her away. He knew what it felt like for her when he had. He knew what it felt like for him when he had. But he wasn't sure he ever could stop himself from sending her away if it meant saving her life. He carried so much guilt on him but there was one guilt he was sure that he couldn't ever carry and that was the guilt of her death.
But he needed to remember how things had changed forever. They were now two halves of a whole. They were no longer two people who could detach themselves and thrive separated from each other. There had been a day that was a hope he could have had but it was one that was gone forever. And good riddance to it. Whatever they were to face in the future they were facing it together.
I need you, she said over and over because she knew what he meant when he asked. She meant it more with each time she said it. Every time she said it, it made her remember just how much those words were true. She focused on the warmth of his touch and drew it into her, holding onto it inside of her head. She couldn't help her mind from wandering to the past, a time in her life without the Doctor. How cold her life had been in every sense of the word. She didn't want to return to that. Anxiety filled her just at the thought of returning to her previous life, of thinking that there could ever be a time when she would know that she could never feel him like this again.
The Doctor felt the change in Rose. Rose...it wouldn't be like that, he tried to encourage her, though encouraging her in a future apart from him was the very last thing he wanted to do. But he remembered the things he had seen the first time he had looked inside of her mind. He remembered her lonely past and how difficult those times had been. He remembered how taken for granted she had felt by those around her. He had felt how restless and discontented she had been. He couldn't tell her she'd be happy in a future where they were separated but he could tell her she would never be that same person again.
You're not that same person. You've changed, he assured her, amazed by the strength she possessed all on her own.
I am not as strong as you think I am.
He was about to ask her what she meant by that when he felt something trying to push up from inside of her mind. It was memory, a large and troubling one, trying to come out from deep in her mind to the surface where it could be seen. He felt her clench and push it down straining to do so with all her might.
The Doctor could feel that this was the memory she had hidden from him ever since the beginning. She locked it away the first time they had bonded. This was the darkest spot on her mind. He could feel her anxiety growing by the second as it fought to come out into the light. This was a significant memory, its impression on her deep. It was significant but it was in a sinister way.
No, no, no, she cried out. Not that. Not now. This wasn't the right time for this. She hadn't summoned this memory. She would never summon this memory. They had enough to think about right now in the here and now without delving into the past. But she knew it was coming out regardless. It had tried to come out before but she had always been able to push it away. But she could feel that this time was different. It had never pushed with such force before and she knew it was stronger than she was. This was what she had felt coming, the thing inside of her that could separate them. She knew it because she'd always feared it could.
Shhhh, the Doctor murmured to her. It's alright. He could feel the emotions churning up in her and he could hear as her heart raced and her breathing accelerated. A side effect of the reawakening of memories was powerful emotions. When memories came back they brought with them the very emotions you had when you experienced the events for the first time. Events that were years old and that you might think were dead and buried could come back at you and affect you as if they happened only yesterday. He could feel that she was starting to feel the emotions attached to this memory.
The Doctor knew that this would happen. The longer and the deeper your mind bond became with another person and the further you were in that relationship the harder it became to hide anything. The Doctor knew that it was meant to be that way. Those who were bonded, especially those who were romantically so as he and Rose were now, were not meant to have any secrets. The closer that you became with someone the more you needed to have that person know you completely. If you got far enough in the relationship there would be a time when nothing could be hidden.
If a couple reached that point you would find that you even lost your desire to hide anything from that person. But it did not start out that way. It often was painful in the beginning. Even though he knew it was meant to be this way he still longed to not see this for her sake. He knew, of course, that as long as they were growing closer it was unavoidable but he wished to spare her. He'd been in her position before and he knew how painful it felt. He could feel the dread rolling off her as the memories started coming in and he didn't want to see them any more than she wanted him to see them.
It's alright, Rose. This is supposed to happen, he said trying to reassure her. He had known that this would happen eventually but he also knew that did not make it any easier. He wished that he could go first, that it would have been him having to share a painful memory instead of her. He knew that there were things that he would have to show her that he didn't want to and he wished one of those things would have come up before hers. She was afraid and anxious and he wanted to take it away.
"I don't want it to," she cried out loud with her voice. She was using all of her mental energy to push this very big memory away and keep him from seeing whatever it was. She did not have the energy to be able to do anything else, including speaking into his mind. Still, he could feel that if they kept their connection for much longer she would not succeed in keeping it from him. He could hear small cries coming from her and he knew she must know this too.
"I'm sorry it hurts but this is part of the process," he said opening his eyes and looking at her.
A slew of her emotions hit him. Fear, shame, and pain hit him all at once, the force of them nearly taking his breath away. He knew she felt that his Time Lord emotions were so much stronger than her human ones. And he might agree with that but human emotions were so different. They were wilder, less controlled but also purer and more simplistic. They succeeded in overwhelming him at times.
"Rose, it's the bonding. I'm sorry but there comes a point where we can't control where our minds go. But it's good," he said trying to comfort her. "It means we're getting closer."
"I don't want you to see it."
"Why not?"
"I'm afraid," she said keeping her eyes shut tight. Rose did not admit fear often. She just didn't get scared that often. It alarmed him enough to hear her admit it so easily but even more so to know that he was what was evoking it. It was an emotion that he did not want attached to him in any way.
"Rose, look at me," he asked gently, taking her face in his hands looking at her. She opened her eyes and looked into his. "You don't ever have to be afraid to tell me anything. Ever. I want you to know that."
Her face looked like she wanted to believe his words. It was hard but he could just barely feel small amounts of hope and trust trickling through the other, harder emotions inside of her.
"You wouldn't have always liked me," she said glancing down. "If you had met me at another time in my life you would have never asked me to come with you," she said as she started to cry.
Alarm bells were ringing in the Doctor's head and his dread was growing over where this was going. His heart was already breaking just seeing how afraid she was to show him this memory she was hiding and he wondered how he would ever bear actually seeing it. He hoped he was strong enough for this. He tried to reassure himself with the fact that this was the right time for this to come out and that must mean he could handle it. But he took little comfort in that.
He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs, brushing her tears away as he did so and somehow managed to keep his voice strong. "Why do you say that?" he asked.
"I know that you like that I am compassionate and protective. I know that you like that I am independent and strong and brave."
"I do like those things in you," he agreed. "I can't deny that."
"What if I weren't all of those things?
"But you are those things, Rose. I've seen in for a fact."
"But what if I wasn't always?"
"Rose…I know who you are now. I know you better than anyone, right?" he asked and she slightly nodded her head. "And knowing who you used to be isn't going to change the way that I feel about you now. The truth is there are times in my past where you wouldn't have accepted my invitation to come along either. But thankfully the past is in the past. Right?"
"Yeah. But...I'm afraid you won't see me the same anymore," she said quietly. "I hated me when I was her. I wouldn't blame you if you did too."
He knew the feeling all too well. He knew it so well that he had always thought this would be a conversation she would be having with him. He never thought he would be having it with her. He was sure that his darkest spot, his worse memory, his greatest sin would come up first. He thought that would come up and he would have to be the one to have to decide to let her in or stop them from going further. He never imagined it would be her first.
"If you really don't want me to see it, I won't push it. But we'll have to break off the connection. We can't stay like this much longer without me seeing it. I'm sorry it has to be that way, but it does."
"I know," she said with reluctance. "I can feel it."
He could feel her deliberating. He really hoped she wouldn't stop them from going any further. He actually wasn't even sure if there was any going back after they had made it this far. And he really didn't want there to be. Whether they had only a day left together or many years he wanted her in every way, as much of her as he could get. He couldn't imagine giving her up once he'd had these tastes of her.
"I don't want to stop. You know I don't," she said.
"I know," he said with understanding.
"I just...I don't want to see this either," she said with dread but he could also feel that she had resolved herself to letting this happen.
I'm here to protect you, he encouraged her back inside of her mind again as he looked straight in her eyes.
"Promise?" she asked.
Stop fighting. Just let it happen.
He reached out for her, took her in his arms and held her against his chest. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, holding onto him like her life depended on it. He reached down and placed his lips gently on her temple breathing his feelings into her. It was one of the most special gestures a telepath could give, a touch so intimate he had yet to use it with her. He was glad to use it now, happy he'd saved it, to give it to her now. He needed her to know how he felt; he needed her to feel how he felt.
He heard her breath catch in her throat for a second at his touch and then he felt as her restraint snapped and the memories spun out into both of their minds.