The memory ended here. Not because the Doctor was trying to keep Rose from seeing more but because he could not bear it going on. He never did open his eyes to look at the dead man as he walked away. He wouldn't acknowledge the tears that were on his face when it was over or allow himself to feel anything or to think of anything other than getting to the weapon. If he had then he'd have been consumed by guilt and unable to move on.
But it was Rose's tears now that pulled him back to the present. The Doctor was still reeling from the emotions of the memory as he pulled back from the past. He felt sick to his stomach as he realized he was not at all as strong as he hoped he was. The anger, hate, fear, pain, and shame that he had once felt now came to him and they nearly broke him again. He felt he had come so far from all of that but yet, in this moment, he found himself right back there again.
The distance between them felt great though there was only a few inches separating them. The Doctor had never felt so bare, so completely exposed in all of his life. If he were standing in front of the entire universe without a scrap of clothing on he would not feel half as naked as he did right now. Only a telepath could even know the true meaning of that word for they were the only ones who could have their very thoughts and feelings and memories looked upon. The darkest part of his hearts and mind had now been opened up and looked at. He never knew what exposure was until this moment. He felt as though he'd been hollowed out as he felt Rose's gaze upon him now truly seeing him.
His darkest secrets had now been laid out in the light. He felt stripped and bare as he could no longer hide behind his omissions of the truth. No one had ever known the full truth of what had happened that day, of what he had done to end the war. He had never wanted anyone to know the full truth. But now the most important person in his life knew the truth.
His breathing was coming out quick and heavy. He didn't like to feel this way. Waves of embarrassment and shame were rolling off of him so great he could hardly bear it. What would Rose think of him now? He panicked at the thought that he might lose her in light of what she had just learned. Surely, it couldn't be true, not of Rose. But his sins were so terrible he couldn't rule it out as a possibility.
Wouldn't she at least be afraid of him? He had always been scared to tell her the truth but this particular memory was even worse now that they shared a bond. The very thing he used to show her love, his mind, he had once used to kill a man. One of his own kind. Wouldn't she be afraid to let him in now? She should.
"Now you know I wasn't innocent. I wasn't the victim. I'm the reason that I'm alone, the reason that I am the last of the Time Lords. It's my fault. I kil-" he stopped his voice cracking and heavy with tears.
There was so much silence; she still hadn't spoken. He hadn't opened his eyes yet to look at her but he could hear her breathing, rapid and gasping across from him. It was a lot to process; the logical part of him told himself it would be completely normal for her to stagger from all she had seen. Hadn't he done the same after seeing her memory? But his insecurity told him her silence was because she wouldn't accept him as she had seen him. He never had been comfortable with silence, never more so than at this moment, so he rushed to fill it up as he usually did.
"I'm sorry...I am so sorry," he said. He kept his eyes closed. He was so ashamed he couldn't even look at her. "I should have told you sooner."
"This was the right time...it came out when it should have," she said quietly still out of breath and thoughtful.
"But it wasn't fair to join myself to you like this without telling you. You didn't know-"
"Shhh," she said and he felt her put a couple of fingers on his lips. "Stop talking." She didn't know what to say. When things happened at this intensity level, there simply were no words. She was desperately trying to overcome everything she was feeling so she could be there for him. But it was difficult. There was so much pain, so much loneliness, so much fear. The things he thought about himself...she never knew how much he hated himself. Despite how overwhelmed she felt by all she knew now she rushed to speak to him. She had to tell him that those things that he thought were not true.
"You aren't a monster," she said brokenly. That was what he thought about himself. He hadn't said it out loud but she knew now. How had she not known that he saw himself in such a terrible light? How could she have failed to make him see the way she saw him?
He finally opened his eyes and looked her in awe of the words she spoke. They were the very words he had needed to hear the most. She reached out, pulling him close and cradled him against herself and he put up no fight at all. She only wanted to protect him from anything and everything that could ever hurt him like that, himself included.
He pressed his ear against the place where her strangely single human heart sat. He listened to the sound as she held her arms tightly around him. She felt so safe. Physically, he felt safe and comforted by the way she held him and emotionally he felt safe in the acceptance and love he could feel her radiating. She held him so tight proving she would not shrink away from him in light of the knowledge she now had.
She had felt safe ever since that first time they had been together telepathically. He'd felt that quality strong in her mind. She wasn't a judgmental or cruel person and he had known that she would take his secrets and they would be safe with her. But he had still been afraid. He was certain that if she ever knew the full truth about him he wouldn't be allowed in that same place again. He knew he didn't deserve it.
"Aren't you ashamed of me?" he asked.
"No, Doctor," she said in the most gentle and honest voice he'd ever heard from her. Her hands now softly rubbed his back and head where they held him against her.
"Aren't you afraid of me?" he asked brokenness in his voice.
"No, I'm not."
"Why? Why aren't you?" he cried desperately pulling back and looking at her. "You should be."
He wasn't sure why he was trying to push her away. Her fear and shame of him were the things he had been most afraid of about telling her the truth. It didn't make sense that he would try to push her to the point that they would become true.
"I can't. I can't be afraid of you. I can't be ashamed of you," she said firmly to him to emphasize her words.
"Why? Why can't you?" he asked frantically.
She laid a very soft hand on his shoulder as if approaching him with caution, least he should lash out in anger or fear. "Because of the guilt."
"What?"
She placed her other hand on his other shoulder. "The guilt, in your eyes. I've seen it ever since I met you. You probably didn't even see it, but I did. I didn't know what it was for. I always knew it would be something like this but I just didn't know what it was exactly until now. Someone who was proud of those actions, who would ever be capable of committing anything like that again...he would never carry such heavy guilt with him. You can't fake that; that's who you are at the very core of you. I know its honest."
He looked at her. What he saw in her eyes was honest too. She wasn't looking like him like he was a monster. She really wasn't afraid. She wasn't going to leave him. He leaned against her again, laying his face against her shoulder, accepting the refuge she wanted to give. "You didn't have to be so afraid to tell me," she whispered quietly. "I wish you hadn't carried it so long," she said as she gently rocked him side to side. His soft cries were muffled against her shoulder.
"In my opinion you've carried it long enough," she added.
She closed her eyes as she laid a hand on his head both holding him against her and making a connection with him. She pushed down deep into him to find the place where his guilt lay. She wanted to pull his out of him like he had done for her. But as she got close to it she found it had a cold wall around it. It was locked so deeply within him she couldn't touch it through the barrier he had around it. She pressed up against it and she felt the guilt on the other side just barely bleeding through. The wall was strong and aged. He'd placed it there soon after he'd earned the guilt and it had been there ever since.
It kept his guilt from spilling out which had kept it from hurting him but it now kept her from being able to get in and take it away. He'd built it around this weight so that it could not overwhelm him and rightfully so. It was constructed by fear and that is what kept it up still. He could feel her up against the wall and knew it was stopping her but he didn't take it away. Maybe he didn't even know how to take it down after all this time.
It was strong but Rose knew it would not be taken down with force. She knew that it would take a gentle touch, the very kind of touch she could give, to make it fall. Brute force was not the answer to fear; encouragement was.
She reached out with purpose and touched the wall, not hard but strong, in a way that she was sure he would feel it. May I? she whispered to him. She felt his hesitation, his fear, but also his desire for her to do just that. He wanted her to do the same for him that he had done for her. She didn't have to and he felt that it was selfish for him to ask for it. He didn't hesitate because he didn't want her to do it and that was all she needed to know before she proceeded. He wouldn't ask her to take such a burden but he also wouldn't stop her.
She focused on her feelings for him. She churned up her love for him. She focused on how strong it was, how it couldn't be shaken by this, that it was unconditional. She felt how it compelled her to stand by his side and to only ever want to take care of him. She pressed it all up against that wall and let it seep through. Right away it started to melt the wall that protected him from his own guilt. She just barely heard him gasp her name in surprise as he felt it.
There was soon an opening in the wall that was large enough that she could reach inside. She reached in where his guilt lay and touched it. She didn't know what she was doing exactly. She never did but it was never a problem. Every time she tried a new telepathic ability it always came fairly easily to her. She only tried to focus on how he had taken her guilt from her and tried to do the same.
But it wasn't easy. He had made it seem effortless when he had done it for her. He had pulled her guilt out so gracefully and gently with such ease. He was always so kind with her. But the second she touched his guilt she was nearly overwhelmed by it and felt the guilt as if it were here own. And it hurt so much. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. It took everything inside of her not to do just that.
For a moment she felt exactly what he felt. She found herself in the exact mindset that he had been following the war. She felt she hated herself, that she wanted herself dead, that every day of life lived was tainted by the way it had been obtained. She felt that everyone could see the guilt upon her shoulders and would despise her for it too. It was too much to carry on her shoulders and she didn't want to go on with this burden. Utter grief and loneliness, the likes of which she'd never experienced crashed over her. She couldn't bear the pain, it was too much.
Something in her mind told her that these were not her feelings. It was a small voice but she focused on it because it was vital that she remembered that what she felt at the moment belonged to another. She pushed and tried to find her way out of this haze of guilt. For a moment she was afraid that she would not be able to do this. Maybe she wouldn't be able to take his guilt from him. Maybe she had finally found a task she could not accomplish. Perhaps his burden was too much for her to carry. But she refused to accept that. She had to do this and so she would do this. She would never tell him she wouldn't do for him what he had done for her. She would take his guilt or she would die trying.
With her determination to do this her certainty grew that this was not her own guilt and that was key. Once she started to realize these were not her feelings that she owned she could look at them differently. They were not as overwhelming. It still hurt but it was no longer incapacitating.
She reached out and touched his guilt, grabbed it as if it were a physical object and pulled. So ingrained it was inside of him it was resistant to her pulling. It didn't want to move, probably because deep down inside of him he still wanted to hold onto it, still wanted to protect her, even though he did want to relinquish it to her. At the very heart of her she had wanted her guilt gone and that had made it easier for him to remove hers. But things like that were still very difficult for him to accept.
She would not be deterred by this though. It didn't want to move but it was moving. She had to pull hard but she was making progress. She just had to take a little more time and a little more effort. She just had to be gentle and patient. None of this was new to her when dealing with the Doctor. That was the way she always had to move with him.
The guilt hurt as she pulled it into herself. It was heavy and she felt the weight of it as she pulled it into herself. But it also felt good. It felt good because she knew that the Doctor would no longer carry this burden anymore. Feeling it inside of her made her realize that he wouldn't feel it inside of himself any longer. With every tug she felt his relief grow and that only gave her more strength for the task. She knew that soon she would not find that sad guilt in his eyes. For so long she had wanted to do whatever she could to remove it. Now she was able to do it and her desire to do that outweighed any repercussions she might suffer.
The Doctor felt as Rose melted away the barrier that was around the guilt he bore. The warmth of her burned through the ice inside of him. He knew the exact moment when the guilt was exposed and he feared it would spill out and hurt him. But she was there and ready for it. He felt her reach in and start to pull on it.
He heard a gasp leave his lips as he felt it start receding from inside of him. It didn't want to move. Even his emotions were stubborn. But she was amazing and she was actually taking it away. He felt as she moved skillfully to remove it with her strength and her love for him. There was a time when the pain was so great he never thought it would ever get any better. But then he had met her and things had started to get better. From the very beginning she had been working to heal him though she hadn't even known that was what she was doing. Even then he'd never dreamed she could ever take it away. Not just dull it but actually take it away. The healing that she had started back then she was now bringing to completion, a reality he never thought he'd have.
He feared for her. Maybe it was too strong. He felt her struggle at the start and he wondered if maybe she wouldn't be able to handle it. Selfishly, he wanted her to be able to take it away from him. The kinder part of him thought it would be for the best if she couldn't but really he was mostly afraid that she wouldn't be able to this. But his fear was quickly put to rest. She was always surprising him. Once she got started she didn't seem to struggle as she pulled it, so much of it, away. He felt himself get lighter and lighter. He allowed himself to bask in how good that felt. He temporarily lost himself in the feel of her touch healing him. He never thought that he could deserve to feel this way but Rose was very persuasive and he let himself be convinced.
His guilt would find a safer place to rest inside of her than inside of himself. Rose was so many things he was not. She was kind and compassionate. She was gentle and forgiving. She was all those good things that he still struggled with. She was those things he still tried hard to give others and those things he found impossible to give himself. She would find a better way to conquer his guilt than he had.
Just as he had not been able to take away all of her guilt, she could not take all of his. She worked until his mind forced her to stop. She had taken a great deal, so much that it felt as if he weren't carrying any.
"Rose...you amaze me. Everything you do...you amaze me," he said in awe.
Now, for the very first time, because of her, he could see himself as something he never had in connection with this memory. Now he could allow himself to feel like a victim. Because she had seen the memory in this way he now saw it this way too.
"Rose," he cried out into her ear. "Oh, Rose...it was awful."
She reached her hand up into his hair and stroked his hair reassuringly." I didn't want to do it," he continued. "Nobody else was going to stop it."
Rose opened her mouth to speak but she had to swallow before she could. "I know," she agreed. Unlike so many times when people said those words she actually could say it with honesty. She did know because she'd felt it for herself. Even though he hadn't wanted her to, she had seen the horrors he had witnessed. She had seen the unspeakably terrible things that would have happened if the war had gone on and if his people were allowed to continue on in all their power. As terrible as the outcome had been it would have been far worse if the Doctor hadn't intervened.
"You know you did the right thing," she whispered reassuringly to him. "You know what would have happened if you hadn't stopped them. It would have been even worse than all that did happen."
"I know," he agreed, mournfully. He really did know it was truth, but the guilt he'd felt had always made that impossible to see. Now that she said it, he knew all the more that it was true.
He moved himself back into her mind, desperate to be closer with her. For a while he just stayed there silent and unmoving, taking comfort in the glow of her. But a question formed in his mind and he broke the silence to ask it. How long are you going to stay with me? he asked vulnerably.
Rose was surprised by the question. It was more vulnerable that she ever thought she'd heard him before. It almost seemed to come out of nowhere but she knew he was still seeking reassurance from her. The night had started out with them up against a future that may come to separate them but they had both known their pasts could destroy them as well. Now they had defeated it. With one word she told him that.
Forever, she said, the word full of promise, solid and steadfast. No matter what the future or the past held she was staying with him.
Her mouth dropped in surprise when his response came spilling out, rushing to tell her words she had not been expecting to hear.
I love you Rose
The Doctor had said it. It was the first time he had ever said he loved her. Of course, she'd already known it was true. She'd seen it the first time she was inside of his mind. He'd told her so many times and in so many ways but this was the very first time he had spoken it. She had thought it was enough just to feel it that she hadn't needed the words. But she had not realized what it would be like to hear his confession to her.
The way that he said it inside of her head it was not like it would be if he uttered it out loud. Inside of her head it held a tone it never would have if it were exposed to the air. The inflections of each word were so unique she could not even describe them; it was like they would not exist anywhere except within the confines of her mind.
The words had been hard in coming to the Doctor but now they rushed to him. He couldn't not tell her. Nothing could keep him from telling her any longer. He repeated his declaration over and over again as he kissed her temple repeatedly. He wondered now how it ever could have been hard for him to tell her these words. They were words that had been true for so long.
He knew that there had still been a part of him that had worried that when she knew the truth she would not stay. Now, she had finally seen the worst of him and still she chose to stay with him. He wouldn't have faulted her if she couldn't bear the truth but he should have known that her love was most unconditional. Maybe he couldn't give her this confession without knowing she'd return it. Now that the fear of her rejection was gone nothing could hold him back from expressing his true feelings to her. He now felt desperate to make up for every time he'd held them back from her.
I love you so, Rose replied, dizzy with his affections. Her head spun as she heard him say he loved her and as she felt the truth behind the words coming through his touch with every kiss he placed on her. She was glad that she could reply inside of his head. She saw now that it was the only place to make this first confession. There was nowhere else that she could fully express to him the truth of that statement. In this way, he would not only hear that she loved him but he would feel it too. She felt the words bursting with the emotions she felt, spilling out of her heart.
After they had both made their declarations fully and completely she felt as he started to pull his mind gently away from hers. He removed his mind more slowly than he ever had before. They had never been more strongly connected than they had tonight and easing off of that took care. She allowed him with his skill to guide them in breaking their connection.
But unlike any time before even when he was finishing pulling his mind out of hers it was like there was a part of him that lingered there. There was a part of him still there, still remaining with her. There was a part of him that she would always carry around with her now. He opened his eyes and she looked back at him. She could feel that he felt it too. The way his eyes looked at hers she could see that there was a part of her that was fixed in him too.
They stared back at each other for a long time in awe of this new level in their relationship. As usual, she started to shake. She used to be embarrassed about that. The stimuli of the bonding was too much that it made her shake with the energy of it. She never would allow it to overwhelm her mind so it got channeled into her body. That meant that bonding with him always left her shaking. But he didn't make her feel embarrassed about it. It was a very human response and it actually quite thrilled him to see it.
Something monumental had happened here tonight. So much had passed between them. They were now bound tighter than ever. In light of what she had seen, of a future that might pull them apart forever, it scared Rose. She wanted only to be thrilled about it. She wanted to focus solely on those possibilities that showed her and the Doctor together for a lifetime, that would mean they would only continue on this course of growing deeper and deeper.
She opened her mouth to say something but only a very shaky breath came out as she continued to tremble.
"What is it?" he asked quietly.
"Just...just hold me," she said and he did not hesitate to pull her close to him. Sometimes he forgot. She was so good at telepathic connection he sometimes forgot that all a human needed sometimes was some physical touch.
"Just hold me and never let me go," she said quietly against him.
He held her tight as to reassure her that he would do everything in his power to do just that. The shaking stopped under his firm touch and he only wished that he could so easily cure any problem in their universe.
The Doctor lay back on the ground holding Rose against his chest. Lying against him, she could hear the sound of his dual heartbeats. He ran his hand gently across her forehead, just barely touching but she could clearly hear as he played his song for her in his head. She listened to both of these sounds that were so completely the Doctor and she memorized the way they sounded together, her own personal lullaby. She hoped above all else she would never need to know the sound from memory alone but she stored it away. Just in case.
Neither one had felt much like moving from this spot even though she knew it must be well into the morning by now. She never wanted to leave this spot because here she was with the Doctor, wrapped safely in his arms, just as it should always be. The second they left this spot that might change. She only wanted to stay in his arms and hear him say he would never leave her and believe that the universe had no say in the matter.
He continued to play the song but she could tell his mind was on something else as well. It was like she could distinctly tell that his attention was divided, almost as if she could see it now that a part of his mind seemed to remain with her. The weight on his mind didn't surprise her. She was pondering just as much as he was.
She felt conflicted inside. The night had been such a mix, an emotional roller coaster. The Doctor had now seen the worse version of her, a person she thought he could never accept and yet he had done just that. And he hadn't just loved her in spite of what he had seen; he had chosen to take that burden from her. Words could never describe how loved she felt from that action. She could still hear echoes of his declaration of love to her in her mind and the feel of what it had felt like for him to finally say he loved her.
Those aspects of the night filled her with incredible joy. Being with him tonight had been perfect. She could still feel the lightness of being relieved of a burden she had carried for so long. She no longer carried the full weight of it or the fear of what the Doctor would think of her if he ever found out about her past with Jimmy. Instead, she now held the weight of his secret inside of her. But rather than being a burden to her she could feel the relief it brought him. She felt the change in him now that he no longer carried it all alone anymore and feeling that and knowing she'd helped that happen made it not feel like a burden at all. The past would no longer be a problem between them. Tonight they had conquered it and in so doing had made the love between them grow even stronger.
She focused on the Doctor's presence that lingered in her mind just to remind her of that. There was a part of him that she could now keep with her always. In a sense, they could never be separated. They'd come farther tonight than both of them ever thought would be possible. She never would have dreamed that this night together would end in their bond becoming this strong. She could now feel him across the space and maybe with practice she could speak to him across the distance, just like he could to her.
Their dark pasts would no longer be a problem between them but the future could still be a problem. It was this thought that cast a shadow over the night. What were they to do now? Tonight she had seen time. For the first time she had glimpsed the future, two of them, either of which could happen. It was so strange to know that time was in such flux, to know that one of these futures could go away easily even though they both looked, at least to her, set in stone. It left her feeling more torn than she'd ever felt.
She replayed the images of the good future and all the things that could be between them. Those images that made her heart flutter and at times her cheeks flush could very well be their future too. Of course, they were also as vague as the 'dream' they'd had that had started all of this. You could only know so much about your own personal time line, whether it was real or not. But there were still feelings, and the feelings attached to these glimpses were things she wanted to be reality.
Of course, it was all dependent on them both staying alive and together and that was something she wasn't sure was going to happen. It absolutely terrified her to think that all of this could be ripped from her. Everything that had happened between them tonight had made their love even deeper and their bond more powerful. She needed him now more than ever. After tonight they had even more to lose if that terrible possibility were to become a reality.
What kind of person would she be if he was taken from her? If he was taken out of her? His mind was now a part of hers; what would happen if he wasn't in there anymore? She thought about asking him what happened to his people when those who were bonded were separated but she didn't ask. She didn't want to know.
After a while she finally voiced her concerns, needing his experienced guidance to help her to know what to do. "How do we get past this?" she asked quietly and tears were in her voice. She could not tell if they were good ones or bad ones.
He let out a breath that she felt against the top of her head. The song stopped and he spoke. "This is my fault. I started all of this. If I-" he began.
She pushed up on her arms to look him in the face. "Don't you dare. Don't you ever apologize for this."
He stared back at her, silently, conceding. "I only meant", she continued, "how do you do it? How do you live life every day, when you see the future, multiple versions of it and not know which one is real?"
She felt as he ran his hands up and down her back as he thought. "Lots of practice I suppose."
"Well, it makes my head spin," she said giving him a half smile. He gave her one back. "I could actually feel time. I could feel it passing. Feel the cost of it" she said, turning serious again. "Why does it hurt?" she asked.
"It doesn't always. Sometimes it's really good. Sometimes it gives you life and keeps you going." Rose recalled those good glimpses of the future and knew exactly what he meant. "It only hurts when it's sad, when you don't want what you're seeing, when there is a great cost to it.
What she had experienced tonight, seeing, hearing, and feeling an event that would pull them apart but knowing nothing more of it was not new to him. She now knew that he had seen himself losing her multiple time. "None of this is new to you. It's always this way for you isn't it?"
"That never makes it easier."
"What do we do? How do we move on from this?"
"It isn't easy," he finally admitted, with some difficultly. "You've got all this stuff in your head...you're meant to see time and intervene but you're limited in your own," he said almost to himself before turning and looking at her. "I won't pretend that it isn't a burden. You have to try and forget what you've seen because you just can't let it govern your actions. If you don't then you'll go crazy. I never thought you would be able to see the future. If I had known-"
"Don't you dare apologize again," she said pressing her forehead against his affectionately. They both closed their eyes and sighed as their minds touched again briefly.
O.K. he finally whispered.
If it would have kept us from having this...then I'm glad you didn't know.
She didn't think he would agree but she was pleased when she heard him say Me too.
There were some good things we saw too, she said with a smile.
There certainly were, he agreed with passion. Together they thought of some of those good possibilities, sharing in them slowly with each other.
It was with reluctance, sometime later, that he finally spoke again. "Come on. You need to get some sleep."
He gently rolled her off of him and got up off the ground. He held out a hand for her to take. Sleep was the very last thing she wanted to do. If their minutes were limited she didn't want to waste any of them sleeping. She wanted to make the most of every second they would have together no matter how many or few they may be.
He knew she deliberating as she sat there. "You need to sleep," he gently reasoned. "We've both been through a lot tonight. Even I need to sleep," he admitted.
"Stay with me?" she asked looking up at him.
"As if you could get rid of me," he said with a genuine smile wiggling his fingers for her to take.
She sighed but smiled and took his hand and got up. He was right; she couldn't think like their time was limited. They had to forget what they had seen or they would only live in fear of the future, altering everything they did in light of it.
But that didn't keep her from seeking one final bit of reassurance from him. "We'll be alright, yeah?" she asked as he wrapped his arm around her and lead her back to her bedroom.
"I think you said it best the other night: 'We'll always be okay, you and me.'"
Despite everything that had happened tonight she still believed that she had gotten it right that night when she said that no one could ever split her and the Doctor up. Maybe it was even because of all that had happened tonight. All that had happened to them had only made their bond stronger not weaker. Their differences couldn't split them up. Their darkest secrets couldn't come between them. They had already overcome so much and it had only driven them closer together. They had already done so much that should have been impossible and she was confident they would only continue to defy the odds in the future. Their minds were now connected, a piece of each residing in the other. Only time would tell if they would be separated but whatever they did face in the future she was certain that they really would always be alright.
A/N: Thank you for reading "We'll Always Be Alright." Continue reading about the Doctor and Rose's journey with the next in this series "I'll Be Home."