Reason to Live

By mihoyonagi

Chapter 3

She was sleeping when I returned home, stretched out upon the musty mattress of the bed in the guest room. Most likely in a last-ditch effort at cleanliness, she had stripped the bed of sheets and was arranged in what looked like a most uncomfortable position. The bedding hadn't been changed in Bahamut-knew-how-long, and I didn't blame her for ridding the four-post bed of the linens.

I placed the bag of peaches on the bedside table. I felt at once when she had woken, and when I turned to her and saw her eyes open I knew had sensed me walk into the room.

"You came back." It was a groggy statement, said with leaden eyes.

"You're half-starved and exhausted. Of course I came back."

As if on cue, her stomach growled. I plucked a peach from the bag I had only just set down and tossed it her way. She caught it with ease, and I surprised myself with the small amount of admiration I awarded her with. She had sensed me, even in sleep, and her reflexes were good- perhaps her talk of being the best ninja didn't go completely without merit.

She bit into the peach and smiled, pleased with my offerings. I tossed her another after she had finished, and one more after that. She handed back to me the pits, and I tossed them into the bag.

"If I go to sleep again, will you leave?"

"I won't leave. I'll be downstairs."

"In the foyer, not the basement?"

"In the kitchen, not the foyer, or the basement. I bought a few things for you, other than fruit."

She eyed me, cautiously. "If you leave, I'll hunt you down and kick your ass."

I didn't smile, though I knew she was trying to see one from me. "No doubt you would. Sleep. I'll be downstairs when you wake up."

Shutting the door behind me, I vacated the room before making my way down the curving staircase. I found Yuffie's PHS on the kitchen counter, a forgotten piece of her ensemble that was most likely left there when I had pressed ice to my face. When I picked it up, it rang in my hands.

I paused, unsure if I should answer. Yuffie needed sleep, I surmised, so I flipped open the device and pressed it to my ear.

"Yuffie's phone, Vincent speaking."

"Oh, planet, she found you."

It was Cloud.

I took a swallow of air, suddenly finding that my throat was dry and tight. "Yes, she found me."

"Well, where is she? What happened?"

I was quiet for a moment. "I won't seek my death just yet. She made me see that I would be missed. I'm taking care of her. She's sleeping."

Cloud sighed. "You gave us a scare, you know that? We don't want to lose any more friends."

"Funny. She said the same thing to me."

An uncomfortable pause stretched out between us. "I understand your motives."

I didn't reply.

"I understand your motives, but I don't agree with what you want to do. You're our friend. We-"

I cut him off, suddenly feeling somewhat annoyed. "Don't try to understand me or my reasons, Cloud, because you won't. You think you might, but you're not even close. My whole existence since Hojo's experiments has been a battle inside of myself, my mind, and I'm afraid to admit that I don't know what parts of me are human any longer. Would it be so wrong to be selfish and wish for a peaceful ending?"

Another pause. Cloud was collecting himself. "Sometimes, it can't be about us. You have to look at the bigger picture."

I knew he spoke of Aerith, and her selfless sacrifice. She had offered herself on the alter, a prayer wrapped in pink, so that everyone else could try their best to live happily ever after.

But that is where Cloud and I would never see eye to eye. There was no happily ever after. Sephiroth may have been gone, but worries and troubles still persisted. The only reason I wasn't sleeping was because I didn't want to make these supposed 'friends' sad- I didn't want to be the reason for pain in another person again. I knew there was no happy ending to my story. The least I could hope for was a peaceful death.

"Kindly stop trying to analyze me. I have my reasons for wanting to die, regardless of how wrong you may think them to be. For the time being, my plans have been put on hold. I don't wish to make anyone feel the same hurt that was felt when Aerith was stolen from us, but I won't change my mind. When the time is right, when I know that no one will miss me, I'll fade from the face of the planet. It will be my decision."

I hung up the phone, agitated.

My anger had bested me. I heard a sniffle from the doorway. Turning sharply, I was met with Yuffie's heartbroken stare. "Please don't go."

The level of annoyance I was faced with only increased. I tried taking a deep breath, hoping that I hadn't stirred enough rage to wake Chaos, but when Yuffie made to move toward me I forced myself to go numb. Her hand – how small she seemed compared to me – reached out and took my sleeve in a tight grip. "Please, Vincent, don't go. I'd miss you."

Her statement both soothed and enraged the beast. Her child-like innocence stroked my ego – someone would actually think of me with fond memories were I to perish – but her blunt honesty angered me; who was she to change my mind? She was but a child, an infant, in comparison to me, and she held little right to make me feel bad for wishing to end my tormented life.

"Go back to bed." I turned, tugging my sleeve from her grasp. I still struggled to sedate my emotions, keeping my face calm and my insides from boiling. Confused and irate, I ran a hand through my tangled mess of black hair.

"Stop being such a jackass."

Damn her ability to get a rise in me.

I spun to face her, swallowing a wave of anger that I was beginning to fear was growing too large. "You come to me when you know I want nothing more than to die, you insult me, you punch me in the face, and you make me feel remorse for finally seeking the eternal sleep I'm entitled to. I'm the jackass?"

She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms, not deterred in the slightest by my bitterness. "You fight by our side, you help us save the world, you become our friend, then you think no one would miss you if you up and died, even though you saw what it was like when we lost one of our own. I called you names and popped you in the face because you damn well deserved it. So yeah, Valentine, you are the jackass."

I took the deepest breath I could, reminding myself that I was arguing with child-like logic.

"Give it up, Vincent. She'd dead, and there's nothing you can do about it."

She was only feeding the fire. Didn't she see that her words weren't helping? "Don't you dare bring Lucrecia into this, Yuffie. Don't you dare-"

The expression on her face gave away the fact that she was grinding her teeth before she exploded. "Grow up! She's gone, and there's nothing you can do about it! You're letting her ruin your life, and she's not even alive!"

That was it. I stomped toward the door she was blocking, aware that Chaos was just itching for release. She reached out a hand to block me, but I was past conversation. Taking her wrist, I pushed her through the door and out of my way.

I walked into the pouring rain and the dusk, ignoring Yuffie as she screamed my name.