Reason to Live

By mihoyonagi

Chapter 4

It was hours before I calmed down. Before I knew where my feet were taking me, I found myself at the grave of my once beloved. At first, I couldn't look up at her. I couldn't bear to. The anger in my heart was ugly, and I wished none to see, not even myself. I paced back and forth, trying to still my frantic thoughts.

It was nearing dawn before I allowed my tired legs to sit. I pressed a hand to the crystal that encased Lucrecia's body, looking up with a heavy heart.

I understood, when I looked at Lucrecia's face why I was so angry.

Yuffie and her words weren't the reasons for my rage.

It was the truth behind them, and my inability to see it.

Lucrecia was my excuse for living. Her memory, the revenge and penance I felt I owed her, was a thing of the past now that Sephiroth was a distant, distasteful idea. Hojo, too.

What else did I have left?

My inability to let go had been my driving force for decades. My hate, my anger, ruled me, oppressed me. Truth is meant to set you free, but it sure hurts like a bitch. Animosity is far easier to hold onto than reality.

I stood, understanding now what I had been seeking within myself for years. Forgiveness was about self. I don't think I could ever forgive myself for what passed, for what I let happen, but accepting it was a larger first step than I thought myself capable of.

Too much hope is the opposite of despair, while an overpowering love has the power to consume you...

Pressing a hand to the crystal, I let the name of woman I loved more than life slip passed my lips once more.

"I'll do it right this time."

Yuffie's words held more truth than she could ever understand. I needed to let go. I needed to move on. I was letting memories rule me.

When the right time came, when I knew the world wouldn't mind if I took my eternal sleep at long last, I'd allow myself to die.

But for now, someone needed my company.

It was well into the morning hours before I returned to the mansion, and the rain had long since ebbed. The sharp smell of lemon cleanser assailed my sensitive nose as I opened the door. I looked around, startled at what I saw.

The entire place sparkled, or at least shined as best it could given how old and musty most of the furniture was. The sound of a vacuum let me know exactly where Yuffie was. I followed it, appreciating the attention to detail she had obviously taken as I traversed a good majority of the house. The walls had been scrubbed, as well as the floor, the lamps had been dusted and polished.

I found her in the room she had taken refuge in earlier.

She turned off the vacuum when I entered the doorway, her back facing me.

"So you did come back." It was more of a curious statement than anything else.

"I apologize for my behavior earlier. I shouldn't have been so terse with you."

She paused when I had finished speaking. I watched a small tremor wrack her body. When she turned to face me, I knew from her swollen cheeks and red eyes that she had spent the greater part of the morning in tears. The Yuffie that stood before me was more woman than I first acknowledged, not quite so child-like, her sadness proof of such. Her normally fierce facade had slipped, allowing me to see the emotional turmoil beneath.

"She died when I was seven."

I blinked in confusion at her.

"My mom."

"My apologies."

She swallowed hard. "My mom was sick, since before I was born. The doctors weren't sure how she was able to give birth to me and live, but she always told me it was because she loved me. She loved me so much, she willed her body to stay alive. But, strength of will is a lot like strength of body; no matter who you are, at one point you're going to give in just a little. Most people can recover. Mom couldn't."

I watched as she wiped her tears away with the back of her hand.

"That was right around the time of the war. Right after she died, ShinRa took over and Wutai fell from the great, proud place it once was into a bumbling, piece of shit resort town."

I blinked, engrossed. I knew, first hand, that Yuffie had never opened up about her past. It was pure fluke that we had the misfortune of finding out Wutai was her home town, and that Lord Godo was her father. Our materia was passed through many hands that day.

"After mom died, and Wutai fell to hell, I ran away from home. I couldn't bear to think that the Wutai my mom had loved so much had been turned into such dump. I started stealing materia then, thinking that if I had enough it might ease the pain a little. I though that maybe, just maybe, I could restore Wutai."

She scoffed at herself, rolling her eyes. "Didn't turn out so well, but then again few of my plans ever do. Fact remains that when mom died, it was the hardest thing I had faced in my life. I've been on my own since then, at least until I met up with Cloud and the others. Aerith was... in her own little way, what saved me. She taught me that it was okay to get close to people, that having friends wasn't always a pain in the ass. Then she had to... she..."

A choking sob echoed through the room.

"And when she died I felt so empty, Vincent. I couldn't stand it. I would close my eyes and see her lying in a pool of blood. The only thing that kept me going was the want to avenge her. I wanted so bad to kill Sephiroth, even though I knew it was more Cloud's fight than mine. When he was finally gone I... I didn't know what to do with myself. I realized that I had to let go."

She looked at me then, her eyes still bloodshot.

"And that's when you left, and I knew I had to follow you and make sure you didn't do something stupid."

I shifted my weight from one foot to another. "I'm not really sure what to tell you, Yuffie."

She shrugged in response. "It's okay. It was probably going to be depressing anyway. I'm sorry I brought up Lucrecia. That was low, even for me."

"No." I took a step toward her. "You're right. I need to let go. It's not healthy to let my memories rule me."

Her expression grew shocked, as if I had slapped her across the face. It was obvious that she hadn't been expecting such a reply from me after the shouting match we had participated in earlier.

"I meant it when I said I didn't want to lose any more friends."

"I'm sorry."

She fell toward me, latching on to the front of my coat. I hadn't been expecting it, and I staggered back a step. She sobbed against me, her entire body shaking with the effort to keep standing. Emotionally drained, physically exhausted; I was amazed she had remained standing for so long.

"Why is it so hard, Vincent? Why is it always so god-damned hard?"