CHAPTER FIFTEEN

By the time he was a young man, Bobby Goren had stopped dreaming of or expecting a family life. After his childhood experiences of family, he wasn't sure he even wanted one. He occasionally glimpsed happy families. His friend Lewis had one; some of his Army buddies had them. But when they relayed stories of birthdays or Thanksgivings or Christmases, Bobby could only watch and listen as a puzzled bystander observing a gathering with strange customs and language. He couldn't contribute to the stories. He doubted anyone would want to know about the Christmas his mother destroyed the tree because its lights sent out secret messages, or the one where his father left Bobby and Frank in an Atlantic City hotel room while the elder Goren cadged drinks, chased women, and pursued a big score, or the one where Bobby came home on leave to discover Frank had stolen most of their mother's possession to buy drugs. He'd told no one about these and many other incidents; he'd only hinted at them with the psychiatrist he now saw. Some things had slipped out to Alex, but even she didn't know why he preferred to ignore the holidays as much as he could. He certainly never told her about the stabs of pain he felt when he saw happy families, especially the ones he saw at Christmas. It wasn't that he was jealous or that he begrudged anyone any happiness. He didn't want any child to suffer anything, let alone the kind of pain he had as a child. His pain was that of regret or the absence of a happiness he'd never known. He feared that his painful memories would destroy any attempt for him to enjoy any aspect of a normal family life, although, as he grew older he wondered if there was any such thing as a normal family life. Holidays were the worst times for him, but he managed to keep his sanity by keeping so busy that he could keep the darkest thoughts at bay.

He sat in a chair between the couch and the Christmas Tree and watched Nate sleep the sleep of the innocent and untroubled. "I was about his age," Bobby thought. "When Brady…when he hurt Mom…" He rose slowly and painfully from the chair. Sometimes he thought the worst thing about being hurt was that it limited his ability to pace when he needed to think. He stopped, fascinated by the tree's many decorations. Alex told him that nearly all of them bore a story, that her family's history played out among the tree's branches. Something familiar in one of the decorations caught his eyes, and Bobby bent slowly to examine it. The sight of a photo of Alex and him at some NYPD gathering as part of a homemade ornament stunned him.

"Someone thinks I'm part of this family," he thought. He moved to look out the large window. "But they don't know what I am." He shivered. "I don't know what I am." He sat carefully at the end of the couch and looked at Nate. "I hope…I pray…He never has anything to give him nightmares." He reached for the blanket on the back of the couch and pulled it over his body.

"That was wonderful," Alex said as she left the car. "You were right, Mom. St. Anthony's has a wonderful choir."

"And we didn't get struck by lightning," Mrs. Eames said dryly.

Alex smiled at her mother. Their occasionally rocky relationship was unusually comfortable on this night and morning. "I wish Bobby would've come," she said. "He loves all kinds of music…knows a lot about it."

"He seems to know a lot about a lot of things," Mr. Eames commented admiringly as he helped his wife to the house.

"He does," Alex said. "And he's usually embarrassed by that."

"I hope Nate didn't run him ragged," Alex's sister said.

"I hope Nate's asleep," her brother-in-law said. "Or tomorrow will be rough."

They entered the house as quietly as they could. "Look at that," Mr. Eames said.

Illuminated by the Christmas Tree lights, Bobby and Nate were deeply asleep on the couch. At some point Nate had shifted so that he lay next to Bobby, whose left arm curled protectively over the child. Alex smiled and stepped up to the couch. She leaned over Bobby and saw that tears glistened on his cheeks. She reached to swiftly and carefully wipe the moisture away before her family saw it.

"Almost hate to wake them up," Alex's sister said from the doorway. "But if we don't get Nate home so he can open his presents tomorrow…today…" She shook her head.

"And Bobby will be as stiff as a board," Alex said softly as she straightened up.

Alex's brother-in-law, carrying Nate's coat, stepped in the living room. He gently lifted the sleeping boy and carefully slipped the coat around him. Nate barely stirred, his only reaction to being disturbed a huge yawn. He tightly gripped his father's coat.

"Just like you, Lexie," Mr. Eames smiled. "You'd fight sleep all out until you dropped. And then nothing could wake you up."

Bobby stirred, blinked, and looked up. For a moment he didn't seem to know where he was.

"Hey," Alex said. "Merry Christmas."

Bobby struggled to understand if Alex was real or part of the dream that had alternately tormented and thrilled him for the past hour.

"Merry Christmas," he said softly. He became aware that Nate no longer rested next to him. "Is Nate ok?" He sat up slowly, trying not to show the pain he felt.

"He's sleeping," Alex's sister said as she tried to balance several gifts and Nate's backpack. "Thank you for watching him."

Bobby unsuccessfully tried to stifle a yawn. "It…it was fun. He's a great kid."

"We think so," Nate's mom said warmly. "But it's good to have it confirmed from outside sources…Although I'm not sure you're outside the family." She smiled and turned to her sister. "We'll see you with the rest of the horde tomorrow, Lex?"

"I'll be there," Alex said. "Although I wouldn't expect me before noon."

"You're welcome to come too, Bobby," Mrs. Eames said.

Bobby stared at his feet. "Thank you, Ma'am," he said softly. There was a small tremor in his voice. "But…I have to confess…I'm a little wiped out…"

"Yea," Alex said, coming to his rescue. "Hanging around with Nate does that even to a person with full strength."

Alex and Bobby slowly followed Nate's family out of her parents' house. Their progress was impeded by Mr. and Mrs. Eames' appeals to Bobby to come to the Christmas celebration or to at least see them more often and by Bobby's repeated expressions of gratitude for the evening. Bobby and Alex finally reached her car, and he sat heavily in the passenger side.

"Ok?" Alex started the car.

"Just…just tired." His voice was ragged. "Thank you for talking me into coming. I…I had a good time."

"I'm glad you came," Alex said. "Nate was so excited…You're good with him."

Bobby smiled. "He's good for me…and he's a great kid…" He stared out the window. "And a lucky kid…" he added wistfully.

Alex eased the car out of her parents' neighborhood and on to the highway. The clouds had broken and left a cold, clear night.

"Wow," Alex said. "It's beautiful out…The sort of night that makes you believe in flying reindeer and other things…"

"Even goodness," Bobby muttered.

"You ok?"

"Arm," he said after a moment. "It gives me trouble sometimes when it's cold anyway…It got broke when I was a kid…" He stared out the window again.

Alex gripped the steering wheel tightly. "The doctors," she ventured. "They said it looked like it'd been broken badly before…"

Bobby slumped further into his seat.

Alex tried to concentrate on the road. "Ok," she thought. "No big deal…Kids have accidents…Bobby was probably an active…really active kid…He…" A stop sign allowed her to glance at Bobby. "You know that's not the cause," she thought. "He was hurt…a lot…as a kid. He said it "got broke"…You know what happened." The terrible vision of a very young Bobby being flung against a wall filled her mind.

"Alex," Bobby said in alarm. "You just went through a red light. Are you ok?"

Alex carefully maneuvered the car to the side of the road. She turned off the car and took a deep breath.

"Alex." Bobby's voice dripped with concern. "What's wrong? Are you all right?" His hand hovered over her shoulder.

She turned to look at him. His deep brown eyes were full of fear and concern and love. She gasped. "Bobby loves me," she thought. "Oh, God…"

At her gasp, Bobby pulled back. "I…I'm sorry…Did I do something…" He felt confused and exhausted, and most of his body had joined his arm in a chorus of pain.

Alex recovered, the pain in Bobby's eyes and voice shocking her back to the present. "I…I…just a lot of thoughts…about me…and you…"

He slumped back in his seat, and she sensed him pulling away from her.

"I'm fine, Bobby…You didn't do anything…It's been a long night…" She tentatively touched his left arm.

She feared he might jerk away from her, but he stared out the window for several long moments. He finally turned his head to look at her hand resting on his arm.

"Please," he said in a choked voice. "Please…" The sound broke her heart. "I…I…" Unable to meet her eyes, he stared at the dashboard.

"It's been a long night…morning for you, too," Alex said gently. "Let's get back to the house…" She decided to hold her position. "Get you your medicine and some rest…"

She lifted her hand and started the car. They rode in silence for several miles.

"I…I'm sorry that…that…" Bobby struggled with his words and thoughts.

"It's all right, Bobby. Like I told you, I want to help you…And today…yesterday now, I guess…It was great…Really great." She smiled at him. "Thank you for taking care of Nate…And helping me with the cookies…" She turned the car off the highway. "This…this has been one of the best Christmas Eves I've had…Maybe the best…since Joe's death…And you've had a lot to do with that."

The remainder of the drive was silent. By the time they reached the beach house, the moon shone so brightly that it seemed like day. Alex knew she had to get up in a few hours and that Bobby was hurting more than he showed, but the beach called to her.

"It's beautiful," Bobby said, echoing her thoughts. "I'd like…"

"To take a walk on the beach?" Alex asked. "You feel up to it?"

"You don't need to get to bed right away?"

"I thought you might need that more than me," Alex said.

Bobby stared at the beach and ocean. "It's so beautiful," he said reverently. "It shouldn't be wasted."

"C'mon." She reached for his hand and gently pulled him to the beach.

The moonlight painted dark and pale blue shadows on the water. Silver slivers edged out of the waves, and the few wispy clouds were watchful spirits in the sky. The sand scrunched under their feet and their breaths hung in crystal frost. Their coats and their closeness kept them comfortable until they reached the water's edge. After a moment, Bobby shivered, and Alex slipped her right arm through his left.

"Are you cold?" she asked. "Do we need to get back to the house?"

"Maybe soon," he admitted. He looked out over the black and blue and silver sea. "This…this may be the best Christmas I ever had."

Alex tried to understand how the simple events of the past hours could add up to anyone's best Christmas.

"It's just." He seemed to speak as much to himself as to her. "I've spent a lot of them alone. I didn't mind…Or at least thought I didn't mind…And others…"

She watched as he threw open the doors and windows to his mind.

"They weren't good…A lot of them were awful when I was a kid…" He gripped her arm tightly. "My arm…Christmas Eve…When I was ten…I can't remember what made him mad…Probably a lot of things went wrong…It took me years to realize most of the time I didn't have anything to do with it…" The words tumbled from him. "I can't remember what it was…Frank…He went after Frank sometimes, but never like he did with me…Maybe he knew…He was a jerk…but he wasn't stupid…Maybe he figured it out…"

"What, Bobby?" Alex clung to his arm. "Bobby…Who…What did he figure out?"

He jerked away from her. "And my Mom…Even if Brady wasn't…I know…I know he hurt her…What if …What if every time…She saw me…What if I reminded her? No wonder…"

"Bobby." Alex struggled to stay calm as she moved towards him. "What are you talking about?"

He stumbled and lurched away from her. "She…She couldn't love me…All that I did…She couldn't…"

"Bobby…Please…Slow down…"

He spun to face her. He could see the terror and confusion in her eyes. "You…You're scared…You're afraid of me…Oh, God…"

He stumbled and fell to his knees in the cold, wet sand. His shoulders heaved.

Alex stepped up to him. "Bobby…Please…Talk to me. I want to help you. Please…" She tentatively placed a hand on his shoulder. She felt him shiver at her touch. For several moments he remained still, but finally he wrapped his arms around her and rested his head against her tummy.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he said, his voice muffled by her coat. "Alex…Please…I'm sorry."

One of her hands wove in and out of his hair. "It's…It's ok, Bobby. I'm here…I'm here."

His shivering eased.

"Hey," she said softly. "You'll ruin those pants. Let's get back to the house."

"You…You're so good to me," Bobby murmured. She could barely hear him over the water. "And all I do…is hurt you…get you in trouble…tell you to go away…"

"That's not true. You've never gotten me into anything that I didn't want to…You've made me a better cop…person…"

Bobby shook his head. "I've taken you away from your family…your friends…I saw…the pictures in the house…All the people at Kevin's funeral…all the time I've been your partner…You haven't been happy…"

"Bobby." She took his face between her hands and lifted it so that he had to look at her. "Those "friends" didn't keep in touch with me, either. The pictures in the beach house are old. You needed to look more closely at the pictures in my parents' house. You'd see plenty of recent pictures where I'm happy…and you'd be in a lot of them…Look…there's times when you drive me crazy…But a lot…most of the last seven years…They've been the best in my life…And you're the reason why…"

She saw the moon reflected in his great, dark, shimmering eyes. He was defenseless, unguarded, open, vulnerable. "You," he whispered. "Are the best thing that ever happened to me. The one good, true thing…"

"I love you, too," Alex said.

He blinked, shook, and buried his face in her coat. "No…no…It's not right. No…"

"Bobby, I don't think anyone expects us to follow the rules." She lifted his face and lowered her head to kiss him.

"No." Bobby stopped her. "The rules…It's not…It's not why…I…I don't know who I am…It's not fair to you…" He shivered and stared down. "The tide…"

"Oh!" Alex cried. She was suddenly aware of the cold water hitting just above her boots. "Bobby…You must be freezing…C'mon…"

She helped him to stand. Bobby wavered for a moment. "I'm sorry…"

"It's ok," Alex said. "You know," she said as she wrapped an arm as far as she could around him. "You don't have to keep apologizing. I want to help you."

"I…I…" Bobby looked at her. "Damn…I was about to apologize for apologizing…God, Alex, what kind of shape am I in? I'm out on a beautiful moonlit night with the beautiful woman I love, and I can't get it right."

Alex's cheeks reddened. "You just said you love me."

"Yea." He was torn between rushing into her arms and running away. "You know, if you don't get to bed soon, you're never going to get up tomorrow."

She helped him up the stairs, into the house, and the master bedroom. She started to help with his shoes, but Bobby stopped her.

"I can do that," he said. "Is there a washer?"

"Yes. I think you could leave your pants until tomorrow."

"You…you can go ahead to bed, Alex…I'm ok." He reached to pull off his shoes, but winced when his ribs protested.

Alex dropped to her knees before him. "Let me help you."

He was too tired to fight her. Alex helped him shed his clothes to his boxers and T-shirt.

"I think I'll take a shower," he said shyly. "Get the sand and seawater off."

"Ok…just don't fall asleep in there." She moved as if to sit in a chair.

"Please…Don't wait up for me…You need some sleep to be with your family tomorrow…Please," Bobby pleaded.

Alex sensed he would never go to bed if he thought she was still awake. "Ok…"

She went to the other bathroom, rinsed her feet, slipped out of her clothes and into her pajamas, and brushed her teeth. She walked to the door of the master bedroom. She listened until she heard the water end and waited for a few moments. After she saw the light beneath the door go out, she knocked softly and opened the door. In the moonlight from the window she could see Bobby, his head raised, in the bed.

"Don't turn on the light," she said.

"You should be in bed, Alex," he said sadly. "Not worrying about me."

She walked to the bed. "If I was in bed, I'd be worrying a lot more about you." She sat on the edge of the bed.

His eyes shining, Bobby looked up at her. "We told each other we loved each other," he said softly.

"Yea…yea, we did." She pulled back the covers and pulled her legs up in the bed.

"Alex…I…"

"It's all right. Go to sleep, Bobby…It's all right." She wrapped her arms around him. "Merry Christmas, Bobby."

"Merry Christmas, Alex."

END CHAPTER FIFTEEN