Reason to Live
By mihoyonagi
Chapter 14
It was the most lonesome three months of my life. I didn't realize how much Yuffie had meant to me until she had left. The house felt empty; my world felt empty. I ate mostly out of necessity. On several occasions I hit up hard liquor and blasted classical music (edgy, I know) as loud as my eardrums could stand. No one in the town ever said anything. No one ever would, either; the monster had lost his lady, and no one within the city limits gave much of a damn.
I didn't blame them. I wasn't prone to giving much of a damn once I had a few shots in me, either.
The worst part, however, wasn't that Yuffie was gone.
I'd grieved over Lucretia for years. But the difference was that Lucretia was dead.
Yuffie was alive, well, and living only a continent away.
And here I was, sipping vodka and listening to piano music until I passed out.
Pathetic.
But, that's what I was. There was little use hiding the fact. The first woman I'd given my heart to had turned on me for the sake of science. I'd killed her son, the son that could have been mine had I simply put my foot down in the first place. And now Yuffie...
I couldn't even open up enough in the first place; she'd shut me down because I was too damn scared to try.
Winter came and went. I read my books, never really enjoying them as I once had.
Late into February I received a call from Tifa.
"We're having a party, and you're invited." No hello, just an announcement when I picked up the receiver.
"Tifa, my apologies, but I'm not really in the mood for a party."
A long pause. "It's more of a memorial, really. It's been nearly three years since meteor and the defeat of Sephiroth, since we lost Aerith. This is about all of us. Please say you'll be here?"
I closed my eyes, knowing that I couldn't say no.
"Very well. I'll come."
"I'll send word to Cid. He'll be by to pick you up later in the morning."
I packed a single bag with a few changes of clothes and two of my of my books.
True to Tifa's word, Cid was waiting for me outside of the town shortly after dawn.
His face was grim. I knew he wanted to ask me about Yuffie showing up on his doorstep three months ago and asking for a ride. I didn't blame him. He was, however, an honest and somewhat private man, and left me to myself.
I thanked him for the ride and climbed aboard the Highwind.
We arrived in Kalm after dark, with Tifa and Cloud to greet us at the door. Hugs and handshakes were exchanged, with Reeve, Red, and Barrett meeting us inside.
The thundering of feet down stairs caused everyone to look up. Marlene, with Yuffie close behind her, tumbled down the stairs, laughing and smiling.
I felt my heart begin to hammer in my chest.
Shiva, I was acting like a lovestruck teenager.
Yuffie, picking up Marlene and slinging the young girl over her shoulder, smiled. She didn't look in my direction at all. "I've got to go teach this monkey a lesson!"
Marlene squealed in delight and she tried to kick her way free of Yuffie's grasp. They trounced back up the stairs, making just as much noise as they had coming down.
"Everyone off to bed- we've got lots of fun to have tomorrow, and I want everyone to be rested!" Tifa's word was final, and no one argued. Instead, we let ourselves be shown to our own rooms.
Mine was last Tifa opened the door, turned, and patted my upper arm.
"It's good to see you."
She walked back down the hallway, disappearing down the stairs.
I heard a doorknob click, and I turned to come face to face with Yuffie.
It was awkward, to say the least.
"Hi." I could tell it was as uncomfortable for her to say it as it was for me to hear it. I was most likely the last person on earth she wanted to see.
I looked her in the eyes, sighed, and nodded my head once. I'd been down that road- I'd had my chance. I'd turned my back on her, and let her slip away from me.
There was too much out there left for her, anyway. She still had a life that needed to be lived to its fullest.
My sleep was fitful that night. I'd spent so much time alone, wallowing in self-pity, that sleeping in a house filled with people made my skin crawl. I could hear the snores, sense the breathing.
I wrapped a pillow around my head and forced my body to relax and allow sleep to overcome me.
It was late afternoon when I'd woken up. When I ventured downstairs, I inquired as to why no one had woken me. Tifa shrugged, and stated that she simply didn't want to bother me.
They were all drunk my nine that night. Songs were sung – badly, at that – and bottle after bottle of alcohol was emptied.
We drank to remember. We drank to forget.
Yuffie didn't drink.
Neither did I.
By morning, the majority of the house had a killer hangover. I found Tifa in the kitchen at lunchtime, preparing food for everyone. She smiled at me when I entered the room and asked me if I preferred ham or turkey, and when I asked her whatever for she replied that was my choice of lunch meat for my sandwich and that I'd better pick before there was any choice left as she had yet to ask anyone else.
No one complained when lunch was served, as most still had quite a headache. I was surprised when Cid complained of the pulsing of his head and the loudness of everyone else; out of all of them, I'd expected him to hold his liquor best. Cloud was mostly quite, and it was easy to tell that his hangover was minimal. Having been living with a bartender might do that. He, never the less, looked slightly uncomfortable as was normal for a man who drank more than normally accustomed to.
Marlene tugged on Tifa's shirt. "Where's Yuffie?"
I listened closely, without turning my head. I, too, was curious about Yuffie's absence. I was not, however, keen to let anyone else know of it.
Tifa ran her fingers through Marlene's hair, brushing bangs from the child's eyes. "Yuffie had work today, remember? At the bakery."
That sure piqued my interest. "Yuffie has a job?"
Looking up at me and smiling, Tifa shrugged. "She's changed. She said she didn't want to be a burden on Cloud and I, so she got a job at the local bakery here and has been making us take rent from her."
It must have been the apparently stupefied look plastered to my face that gave me away, because Tifa smiled. "Like I said, she's changed."
Dinner was served late in the evening, past dark, with everyone sitting in the living room on various sofas and couches. "We don't have a dining room, and the kitchen table only seats four," Tifa apologized as she handed out pieces of garlic bread. We all thanked her in turn, and assured her that no one was bothered by sitting in front of the TV for dinner.
I grew bored with whatever garbage that enthralled most everyone else in the room, and, after finishing my meal, set off to help Tifa clear the living room of dirty dishes. After picking up what was left after the first trip, Tifa and I passed the front door on the way to the kitchen in time for it to open.
Yuffie, donned in an apron, complete with flour in her hair, stepped into the house and removed her shoes next to the door. She looked at Tifa and I, waving a bag up with a smile on her face.
"When I told my boss that we were having a big party with all of our friends, he unloaded a whole tray of apple tarts into my bag and sent me home early!"
She placed the bag in front of Tifa and I, opening it up to show us the pastry treasures inside.
"Nice score," Tifa complimented, smiling. "Everyone will love them."
Yuffie grinned. "I'm gonna run up and jump in the shower real quick. Save some food for me, will ya?" With that, she disappeared up the stairs.
Tifa, still smiling, took the tarts from the bag and placed them on a tray for everyone to enjoy, being sure to save a few for Yuffie. I helped get a tray of dinner ready for when Yuffie came back down, but after a few minutes Tifa insisted that I should just take it up and give it to her in her bedroom so that she could finish at her leisure. I tried to object, stating that it wasn't too good of an idea for me to intrude upon Yuffie's room, but Tifa waved my concern off with a flick of her wrist and took the tray of tarts into the living room.
I stood outside the door to Yuffie's room, feeling stupid and anxious all at once, with a tray of food in hand and a stomach full of butterflies. I am fairly certain that Tifa had somehow planned this; it was, after all, the first time since my arrival that I'd been alone with Yuffie, not counting the momentary hello in the hall before.
Three knocks and no answer. I sighed, and opened the door a crack, calling out to the young woman inside. "Yuffie? I've brought you some dinner."
There was still no answer, so I slowly pushed the door open with my foot.
The room was empty. Fully know that I shouldn't, but unable to keep my curiosity under control, I placed the tray of food on the dresser next to the door and looked around Yuffie's bedroom. I was at once reminded of the room she'd occupied at the mansion, and a wave of grief washed over me.
I'd made her run.
It was my fault she'd left.
There, sitting in front of several pillows lying at the head of her bed, sat Boco, the black chocobo plush she'd won at the winter solstice festival we'd attended the winter before in Costa del Sol. I reached out and gave the bird a gentle pet, for good luck.
I should have looked around the room better; I hadn't seen the door to the attached bathroom when I'd entered Yuffie's bedroom.
I sure as hell saw it when the door opened and Yuffie walked out in her undergarments, drying her still damp hair with a towel.
"Shit!" I turned around, my back facing her. "I'm sorry. Tifa wanted me to bring up your dinner and you didn't open the door when I knocked so I brought it in and I didn't think you'd still be in the shower let alone have a bathroom attached to your bedroom-"
"Leviathan almighty, Vincent, slow down. It's not the end of the world."
I stood there with my back facing her, the image of her slim, and hardly clothed, body burnt into my mind. My heart was in my throat, and I felt like a teenager caught doing something awful.
My mouth opened and closed a few times as I attempted to form words, to form coherent sentences, but nothing fell past my lips save for a few rather undignified guttural sounds.
I heard as she shifted behind me, most likely moving her weight from one foot to another.
"Why didn't you come after me?"
I flinched like I'd been struck. After a moment of silence, I answered with the only thing I was able to formulate.
"I didn't know you wanted me to come after you."
The soft sound of her feet made their way closer to me as she walked closer. I felt her lay a hand against my back and I shuddered. Her voice was both soft and heavy as she spoke. "Of course I wanted you to come after me. That's why I left."
"I don't... I don't think I understand."
She sighed, and I knew she was not sure of herself. "If you... If you love something, you let it go. If it comes back, then you know..."
My heart skipped a beat, then jackhammered. I felt blood rush to my head. Did I just hear her right?
Did she... Did she say she loved me?
I turned around, swallowing hard, and faced her. Even though she kept her face downcast, I could still see the rosy hue her cheeks had taken. Reaching up a hand, I placed it against her cheek and brought her gaze up to mine.
No fear.
No repulsion.
Not even pity.
Just pure, innocent love.
For the first time, I let myself have something I wanted so completely I ached to have it.
I kissed her, and it was no chaste kiss like the one she'd given me when we'd fallen at the top of the stairs back at the mansion so many months ago. No, I poured all of my being into that kiss; my hope, my despair, my past and my present all wound up together in one giant package of self-pity and slight stupidity.
Fuck, why hadn't I done this sooner? Why hadn't I come after her? I hadn't even thought of it.
It was half a moment after I began to kiss her that she kissed me back with just as much, if not more, intensity to match my own. I had my arms around her, lifting her off the ground, while she'd woven her hands through my hair and was trying to pull me closer.
It half startled me out of my mind when I could hear Chaos' gentle, satisfied purr reverberate through me. Well, at least I was making two people happy, myself not included.
I pulled away only long enough to look over Yuffie's shoulder so I could shut the door. In the small amount of time I'd been preoccupied, Yuffie had set to attacking my neck, biting me enough to mark my skin but not enough to draw blood. Swallowing, I tried to regain at least a little control. She took my ear lobe in her teeth, however, and pulled ever so gently, making any notion of control fly out the damned window.
In our tangled mess we'd somehow made it to the bed, miraculously, without tripping over the feet of the other. Placing my hands on her thighs, I lifted Yuffie up and sat her on the bed and then leaned over her, forcing her down into the soft, pillowed mattress. She raked her fingers across my scalp and through my hair, and I couldn't help the heated moan that slipped past my lips.
It was then I let go of everything.
My past, and my sins. My demons, and my anger.
Goodbye, he who I once was.
Goodbye, Lucrecia.
I felt Yuffie go from languid to stiff as a board in less than a heartbeat.
And I realized, with dread in my heart, that I'd said Lucrecia's name out loud.
I pulled back, completely floored my own stupidity. "Yuffie, I-"
"Get off."
"Please, Yuffie, let me-"
It never ceases to amaze me, how hard her little fists are.
The first time she punched me, I deserved it.
The second time she punched me, I wasn't quite in the wrong. I had just let my big mouth screw me over.
I wheeled backwards and away from the bed, holding the side of my face as I tired to stop the world from spinning.
I hadn't even time to gain another breath in hopes of explaining- Yuffie, tears already falling down her face, was headed for the bathroom. The door slammed behind her, and I heard the lock fasten with an thunderous click as I heard her punch the wall.
Staggering toward the door, I beat my fist against the wooden panel. "Yuffie, please, I-"
"GET OUT! GET AWAY FROM ME!"
She hadn't just yelled it, she had screamed it. I leaped away from the door, my heart in my throat, feeling terrible.
I tired to breath, but the room felt too small. I could hear the beginning of Yuffie's sobs from the other side of the door, and I cursed myself a thousand time a thousand deaths.
Then, a disturbing calm overcame me entirely.
Chaos had shoved his way past my defenses in my moment of turmoil.
There was no transformation; just the clean possession of my body for his uses. I was still seeing with my own eyes and hearing with my own ears, but I was incapable of moving any part of my body on my own. It was like some sick, twisted puppet show, and I played the part of the puppet, unable to escape that which controlled my body and compelled my actions.
I began to panic. Or at least I think I began to panic; it's very difficult to discern much of any individual feeling when placed into a position such as mine.
"Calm yourself." Chaos' deep voice rang out as I watched and felt my body head for Yuffie's window.
I heard Cloud and Tifa open the door to Yuffie's room the moment Chaos had navigated my body out of sight of the window.
'Give me back my body!'
It was weird to say something without actually speaking.
"I will," Chaos said through my lips. "But we need to have a bit of a chat first."
I knew Chaos was intelligent, but it was quite obvious I'd been selling him short.
My body walked itself out of town and into the vast and empty snow field that spanned between Kalm and the ocean.
"You have, quite honestly, some of the worst damn luck a human is physically capable of. I think perhaps the only reason you're still alive is because of me, among some of the others."
It was the most Chaos had ever spoken to me, and it was stranger still that it was coming out of my mouth yet lacked my voice.
"I brought you out here so you could cool down. You need a bit of a rest, and I feel it's time we have a little one on one."
'Chaos, give me my-'
"Valentine, I want nothing more than to go back to sleep within this silly body of yours, give you full control to fuck up your life even further, but you see we share a problem. Whatever you feel is forced upon me. See, when you become angry I become angry. When you become distressed, so do I. Not quite for the same reasons, it's to be said, but it's safe to say that I'm sick of the emotional bullshit roller coaster I've been riding for the past two years while you've been in the company of Miss Kisaragi."
I let that sink in for a moment.
"No, before you ask, it doesn't work the other way around. Trust me; I've become angry at you on more than one occasion but you've never so much as batted an eyelash."
'What are you planning on doing, now that you have control over me?'
I heard myself sigh. "If I wanted full custody of this body, it would be the easiest thing for me to obtain. Your simple human soul is easily overlapped by mine. That's not why I took control. I possessed you so I can give you some damned advice that might not get you socked in the face. I'm sick of your bullshit run-around with the girl."
'I'm trying. I-'
"You're doing nothing of the sort. Your mind was breaking down; that's why I hijacked you. To save you from yourself. You truly have a knack for messing things up, don't you?"
I was silent, debating whether I should seethe or simply let the conversation continue.
Chaos didn't give me much of a chance to think it over and simply began to speak through my mouth again.
"So, our little problem is thus; you didn't know you'd fallen in love with the girl until recently, have only let go of Lucrecia a short while ago, and have magnificently managed to screw yourself over with your newfound young love. This sounds like the trashy plot to one of those awful books you've been reading."
If I had control of my eyes, I would have rolled them.
"You know our solution, don't you?"
I hesitated, unsure of myself.
"You're going to let me talk to her."
Panic anew washed over me. 'What? No!'
"Face it. You know as well as I do that you're the last person on the face of the planet that she wants to see right now. You were kissing her and called out the name of your old girlfriend. Though you were only saying goodbye in a meaningful gesture of letting go, your mouth and brain weren't exactly on the same level. With all honesty, she most likely hates your guts as of now, Valentine. No way in Ifrit's fire would she listen to you. But, she might listen to me."
'But, I-'
"Look, I'm doing this because I'm sick of your bullshit. I swear, it's like watching the world's most dreadful soap opera. I'm tired of your ups and downs. It sounds cliché, I know, but I would rather like to see you happy for a change."
I let a moment of silence pass between us.
'Why haven't you taken control of me like this before?'
Chaos sighed. "Oh, please. Like owning the body of a mortal means shit to me. Yes, your lifespan will be much greater than that of a normal man, but this way I don't have the deal with ins and outs your silly human society seems to revolve around. Plus, after all the horrors you've gone through, I doubt you'd much appreciate my soul leaving your body. It might, to be honest, be too much for you to handle and your weak little human bones would most likely explode. Add the fact that I'm not sure I wouldn't damage my own soul on the way out, and you have a rather gruesome recipe for disaster. I'll leave when it's safe for the both of us, don't you worry. Now, are we going after the girl or are we going to play twenty questions all day evening long?"
This time, I didn't hesitate. 'Let's go.'
"Hold on tight to whatever you can, Valentine; your body might not like this too much."
'Like what?'
My question was answered horribly. I could feel my insides twist and my head pound with the ferocity of having been smacked repeatedly into a brick wall. Yet, before I had time to even ponder what Chaos was doing, we'd teleported outside of Yuffie's bedroom window.
Both of us paused.
"She's not here," Chaos finally announced.
'I can tell. Where has she gone, then?'
My vision scanned the window sill and the thin layer of snow beneath it. Fresh, little footprints could been seen it the snow, leading from Yuffie's bedroom window and into the town. Looking back toward the window, I noticed that a few of the things I'd noticed in Yuffie's bedroom were gone, like the chocobo plush from her bed.
"She ran."
I resisted the urge to throw a sarcastic 'I can see that' at Chaos, not knowing his take on humor. He seemed to speak rather dryly, so I figured it would end up better in the long run to hold my tongue.
'She couldn't have gone far.'
Fate was on both of our sides, if only for the moment. Both myself and Chaos seemed to pride ourselves with the fact that tracking came easy. We followed Yuffie's footprints into town and down an old, cluttered alleyway before making our way onto the plains that lead toward the chocobo ranch and the swamp.
We found her hardly half an hours' walk from town. She was bundled up for the cold weather, but even so Chaos and I easily recognized her.
Chaos moved my body up and over Yuffie's path, coming to rest in the snow in front of where she was walking. She have a shriek when she looked up and saw me floating down in front of her. That shock, however, quickly turned to anger ans she stamped her foot and pointed her finger toward me. "I told you to leave me the hell alone, Vincent Valentine!"
Chaos chuckled, and I felt my lips pull as he smiled.
Yuffie blinked, momentarily confused. The, her mouth hung open. "Not Vincent."
The grin on my face widened. "Clever girl."
I chided Chaos. 'Don't play with her.'
I watched as Yuffie's eyes grew large. "Chaos?"
Apparently, Chaos' had a very odd sense of humor. He theatrically bowed, throwing my cape behind me. As he straightened, he outstretched his hand. "You and I have a few things to discuss, Miss Kisaragi. If you'd be so kind?"
Yuffie took a step backwards, not out of fear but out of defiance. "I've nothing to say either of you." She crossed her arms across her chest and huffed.
Chaos extended the hand further. "We can do this the easy way, Miss Kisaragi, or we can do this my way."
Oh. Oh, Shiva, no. 'You shouldn't have done that.'
"What did you just say to me?"
Chaos took a step backward, taken aback over the ferocity in Yuffie's voice.
The last thing on earth you ever wanted to do was to give a pissed off Yuffie an ultimatum.
Stalking toward my body, Yuffie poked her index finger into my chest. "Let's get something straight, mister. I don't care who you are; you don't talk to me like that unless you have a death wish."
Chaos reached out and grabbed her hand. "So feisty. I can see why he picked you."
And, without even a moment's warning, Chaos had done his gut-wrenching teleportation trick again. It didn't surprise me one bit that after materializing Yuffie fell to her knees.
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
The aftereffect of the sudden teleport was that of lightheadedness and heavy-nausea with a pounding headache all mixed together. It took a moment for my brain to unscramble for me to realize that Chaos had brought us back to the Shinra mansion in Nibelheim. We'd landed in the foyer.
Chaos decided it was time to lose the act. He bent down next to Yuffie and took her face in hand. "Miss Kisaragi, I must ask you listen to me now. I grow tired of this game. I'm here to tell you what is going on inside the deranged mind of the gunman who you were, until recently, so enamored with."
Yuffie averted her eyes. "He isn't over Lucrecia. What's there to understand?"
Heaving a sigh, Chaos continued. "Do you reside in Valentine's mind?"
She looked up, confused.
"Since you do not, please don't presume to know what he is thinking. I can assure you that with his kiss he was giving himself to you."
Yuffie smacked the hand that held her chin away. "I'm supposed to believe you? He called out her name, he-"
"I'm not finished."
She glared, but said nothing.
"As I was saying, with his kiss he was opening a part of himself up that has been closed off for far too long. You see, humans are social creatures; they crave the company of others. Vincent has spent so much time with only demons in his head, he doesn't seem too capable of normal human interaction. He plays the part of man well, but inside he thinks he is beast. Think on it; how many times, when you were all traveling together, did he honestly give an open opinion, or speak unless spoken to?"
Chaos stood and began to pace, a habit that seemed odd for a demon to have.
"He wasn't sure he was ready to let go of his last love. But, when you made your little confession earlier; well, all of his walls broke."
"He still called out her name when he was kissing me..."
"And if his brain had caught up with his mouth in time, you would have heard him say goodbye to her, as well as his former self. When you left those months ago he wallowed in self-pity and practically became a drunkard. The thought of chasing you never occurred to him simply because he never knew that's what he was able to do. He knew you were alive, but he'd resolved himself to thinking that you'd be better off without him as you'd left of your own free will."
Yuffie bit her lip.
Chaos knelt next to her, taking her face up in his hands again. "Please, at least give him another chance. I'm so sick of him being so depressed all the time; it's time he was happy."
It took a moment before Yuffie reacted. "Alright. But no more of this possession stuff. It's creepy."
One last smile was earned from Chaos. "I seldom make promises."
Being let back into and gaining control of my body was, easily, the most physically uncomfortable thing I'd ever experienced. I crumpled to the floor, holding my stomach.
'My apologies; I didn't know your body wouldn't take well to teleporting when I'm not in my full form. Well, I've done all I care to. The rest is up to you.'
I gagged, reaching my hand out and grasping Yuffie's. "I'm going to vomit," I shakily announced.
Yuffie sighed. "Man, is this what I'm like?" She hefted one of my arms over her shoulder and helped me stand, leading the way up the stairs and into the bathroom.
She pulled the hair away from my face as I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet.
"See?" She mused, more to herself than to me. "This is why I'm glad I keep my hair so short."
I would have smiled if I wasn't dry heaving.
After my stomach had nothing left to empty and my heaves had all but subsided, Yuffie helped me from the bathroom down the hall. When she started to steer for my room, I pointed to her door.
She said nothing as she opened the door to her once bedroom and led me inside. I huddled up on the bed, feeling awful. Kindly, she pulled off my shoes and unfastened my cloak from my shoulders.
"Well, wasn't that something." It wasn't how I would have broken the silence between us, but I suppose I should take what little I could. I was shaking now, my body exhausted.
I tried to open my mouth to apologize, but she disappeared out the door and down the hallway.
Blind panic struck me. Oh, summons above she was leaving me again. I stumbled from the bed and tumbled to the floor, crawling on my hands and knees like
I fumbled into the hall and collided with a pair of knees. "Vincent, what the hell? Get back into bed!"
Relief washed over me like a bucket of cold water. I reached out and groped the wall and, with her help, stood on shaking legs and made my way back into the bedroom. I collapsed on the bed, so tired...
She moved my arms and legs, positioning me so that I would be more comfortable. Then, she reached a hand up and dabbed my forehead with a wet washcloth.
I was the most strained silence that passed between us. She looked at my face, moved my hair from my eyes, but never once met my gaze.
When she turned to move off the bed, I caught her wrist. My voice was ragged, my throat raw.
"Don't go."
It took a moment, but a soft smile eventually befell her face. "I'll stay."
She moved to sit on the edge of the bed, but with my last remaining strength I pulled her next to me. Requiring no further directions, she stretched out beside to me and sighed.
"Don't go." It was Chaos who reiterated.
"I said I would stay."
I rolled over and buried my face in her neck, lying half atop of her. "Don't go." I sighed as darkness overcame me.