Chapter seventeen. Zombie in a bikini.
Bella's POV.
Two weeks of my summer holiday went by extremely slowly. I felt like a zombie. Just floating about. All my friends and family were happy and alive. Whilst I was just there. Just in the background picture.
Emmett tried to drag to around town with him. With Rosalie, Alice, jasper and Edward. I went of course, I tried to blend in. I tried to be happy and join in the fun. But it didn't work. I was there a loose thread, hanging with the wrong crowd.
When hanging out with them didn't help, I decided to blend in with my own friends. Jessica, Lauren and Angela were dying to take me shopping. They invited some of the guys as well. But Angela realised I wasn't really into it.
So I gave up. I stopped trying. I was abandoned as a baby and that fact troubled me. It did more damage in me than I realised. It made me feel unwanted. Ugly. Unloved. I needed someone to comfort me, but I pushed away anyone who tried to.
"She's just…staring at nothing", whispered a soft voice from the doorway. I pulled and played with the silvery object around my neck.
"She looks so sad, Alice. I think we should tell mom and dad about this", said another voice. Male voice. Recognisable. Familiar, yet so distant.
"I think so too, Em, she's hurting and she won't let us help her".
"She might be mad if we tell though."
"We have to do something", said the smaller voice in desperation, "I can't help seeing her like this. She's so lifeless!"
"How about we give a day or so?" suggested the other, "if she doesn't…get better by the end of the week, we'll tell mom and dad, ok?"
"Unless they notice first", said the soft voice. A pair of gentle footsteps had pranced away, down the stairs.
"Bella?" said a voice. I turned around and looked up to see Emmett leaning by the doorway.
"Yeah?" I responded. His eyes flickered at the object my fingers were playing with. He walked in and sat next to me on the bed.
"You ok?"
"I'm fine, Emmett", I said, trying to smile. It didn't work. He saw past it.
"We're going to the beach in a couple of minutes"; he started, now practically glaring at my necklace. I moved back in case he wanted to rip it off or something. It was my necklace. Mine. "Rosalie, jasper and Edward are coming over to join us. Wanna come with?"
"No thanks", I said quietly, "I think I lost my swimsuit."
"You can borrow Alice's bikini or something", he persisted, "come on, the weather's great. It'll be fun."
"Then go have fun", I said shrugging, "I just to sleep and stuff. I'm very tired."
"Cos of the nightmares?" he asked curiously. I stared at him questioningly.
"Nightmares?" I repeated, innocently, "what nightmares?"
"Come on, Bella", sighed Emmett, "it's hard for you to sleep, I understand. Maybe dad can give you some sleeping medication or –"
"I don't need sleeping meds", I snapped, standing up and backing away, "I sleep fine thank you. Now if you're done talking, I would like to get some rest."
"I just want to help Bella", insisted Emmett, "something's wrong. You're not yourself anymore. You've changed and –"
"And I'm staying this way", I explained shaking my head, "this is the new me now, Emmett. If you don't like it, that's not my problem."
"If you're staying this way then you're not Bella", said Emmett standing up and crossing his arms, "I want to help you Bella, but you'll have to let me. And god knows, you do need the help!"
With that, he walked straight out of my room without another word. I stared after him, my eyes watering in pain. I slammed the door shut and went back to my bed.
Seconds passed. Then minutes. Then the doorbell rang. Then voices of laughter were being heard. Then some knocking on my door. Someone talking. Asking me something. Then giving up and walking back downstairs. The door opening and closing again. Then engines, fading away.
I was alone in the house, finally.
God knows, you do need the help! Emmett's words replayed in my head over and over again. What was I doing? Moping around? For what reason?
Did I need help? Of course I did, I needed someone to come after and comfort me. Even though I rejected the comfort, that person needed to be here still. That person needed to give and give and give.
I was being selfish. I was a selfish person.
I wanted things. That's all. I wanted everything. I wanted it all. To be happy, enthusiastic. I wanted everyone to love me. I wanted to be taken, not rejected.
And that's why the thought of having been abandoned was upsetting me so much. Because knowing that all those years ago I wasn't good enough for two people, they didn't want me so much that they decided to ditch me. I wasn't rejected often, because I didn't like it.
But when I was rejected, it hurt like bitch.
Edward's POV.
I switched off the engine and got out of the car. Walking towards Emmett's house I realised that his jeep wasn't in the driveway. In fact, Rosalie and jasper's cars weren't there either. I checked the time.
I was a little late, only because I overslept a little.
Okay, I overslept a lot.
But I'd thought they'd wait for me. I walked up to the house and rang the doorbell, waiting patiently.
A couple of minutes passed, with no answer, so I rang it again.
I wondered if anyone was home at all. Emmett said they were all going to the beach and asked me to come along.
I presumed that Bella would be going too, that was the only reason I said I would go. I realised that all the time I was spending with Emmett was because of Bella.
I wanted to see her. To talk to her. It was like a addiction now.
She didn't speak much, or join into anything we did as a group, but I didn't mind. Often I wondered whether she was still mad at me for pulling her away from Jacob. But then her face would light up, ever so slightly, as soon as our eyes made contact. That made my heart well up.
I pressed the doorbell once more, checking my pockets I realised that I forgot my phone at home. So I couldn't call Emmett and ask where he was.
"I'm coming," said a muffled voice. Muffled but recognisable. Bella was home. Was she home alone? Did Emmett really leave his little sister home alone?
That was surprising.
The door opened slowly to reveal Bella looking up at me curiously. She looked just as surprised to see me, as I was to see her.
"Edward, hi", she said softly. I noticed her voice was shaky. Deep purple shadows appeared from underneath her eyes. Her face was droopy slightly, sad even.
"Hey Bella", I said lamely back, "is, er, is Emmett here?"
"No, they went to the beach", she explained, "I thought you were going too?"
"Yeah, they sort of asked me but I got a little late", I told her shrugging, "I guess they didn't wait for me."
"Maybe they thought you were meeting them there", Bella suggested. I shrugged again. Maybe they did. Or maybe Emmett, like the little child he is, wanted to go paddle in the ocean. So immature.
"I guess I'll go to the beach to see them then", I said awkwardly. Bella nodded robotically. "I thought you'd go with them?"
"I didn't feel like it", she whispered looking down.
"Are you ok?" I asked her. She wasn't. I knew that. But Bella wouldn't admit it.
"Course I am", she responded nodding, "how are you?"
"I'm, er, I'm ok", I said.
"Have fun at the beach, Edward", Bella said smiling faintly. She looked up again and I could see a tiny sparkle of life in her brown eyes.
"I could stay here, if you want", I said quickly, "to, um, keep you company and such."
"That's nice of you", said Bella blushing, "but I don't wanna ruin your day or anything. I'll just sit here and read or something."
"I'll sit with you", I said. Then I realised I might be a little too pushy. That maybe she didn't want me here after all. Maybe she was still mad. Maybe I liked her a little too much and she even feels the same –
"Edward? Did you hear what I said?" said a voice. I looked down to see Bella smiling at my dumbfounded expression.
"What?" I asked, confused.
"I said if you want to keep me company then I'd like that", she repeated smiling, "are you gonna stand there all day or come in?"
Bella's POV.
I couldn't help this new feeling. A little rush of excitement followed by an explosion of happiness.
But how come I was so happy suddenly?
I looked to Edward whose eyebrows were pulled together as he read the back blurb of the book. I had only just found out that he wore glasses. I couldn't help but feel a tickle of something so nice I couldn't explain run up and down my spine. Edward looked gorgeous as usual. Even with his glasses on. They made him look smart and sexy at the same time.
I blushed at my thoughts and looked back down to my book so I wouldn't be caught ogling at him.
"So the guy loves her but he wants to kill her?" asked Edward after he read the book's summary. I nodded.
"He can't help wanting to kill her", I explained, "He's a vampire. He lusts for her blood. It's like, her scent and her blood sing to him."
"Then how can he fall in love with her?" asked Edward curiously.
"He sort of gets to know her", I carried on, "whilst he's trying not to kill her. Then he finds out how beautiful she is and stuff. Then they fall for eachother."
"And you're reading the second book of this series, are you?" asked Edward. I nodded and leant back on my bed so I was back against the backboard. Edward sat opposite me, legs crossed with a load of books scattered around him. He said he had never found a book to call his favourite, so I was helping him with some of my favourites.
"It sounds pretty boring", shrugged Edward picking the next book on his left, "I mean, the guy is obviously asking for trouble. He's a vampire, why would he fall for a human?"
"He just does", I said, "he's been alone for so long that –"
"He got desperate?" laughed Edward. I shook my head, half laughing.
"No, that when he found Bella he couldn't believe it", I explained, still giggling, "it's like, although her blood is so appealing, he controls himself. She's so precious to him that he refuses her sex, just cos he might hurt her.
"Refusing sex? He must have it bad…"
"Sex isn't everything in a relationship", I added in, "he still loves her. As she loves him."
"But what if they kiss and get a little carried away?" asked Edward with an arched eyebrow.
"That's why he pulls away before they get carried away", I explained, "he has his limits and stuff with her."
"That must suck", Edward scoffed, "limits and rules for kissing? Why didn't she just dump him right then?"
"Cos she loves him", I told Edward softly, "their love is so strong that they can't live without eachother. They don't need to show it physical, they both know how much they need and want eachother."
A moment's silence hung in the air, of which I took graciously to get back to my book. Edward was still watching and I could feel his gaze.
"That sounds ok", he whispered after a while. I looked up at him.
"What?"
"That relationship", he explained, "even though they can't have sex and even though he thirsts for her blood, he controls himself. And she's not scared, she loves him even though he's…not human."
"I guess it does sound ok", I said shrugging. Edward moved himself from his previous position and readjusted himself next to me. He took the book, which we were talking about and began to read it.