AN: So, why is it that when I sit down, intent on writing the next chapter for this fic, I keep getting ideas for smutty little one shots? It is ridiculous. I'm asexual, I should not have this much porn in my head. Eventually I'm just going to have to make a fic for all the smut.

Thanks for the reviews!

Shit. Shit shit shit. Mierda. Merde. Merda. It didn't matter how many languages he thought it in, he was unable to get his mind past that word. Like a computer freezing up. Or a mantra, a defense mechanism to keep him from focusing on the slow, painful death he would doubtless be encountering very soon. Only not, because he was above things like defense mechanisms. Besides, if it was supposed to be one, it was failing.

Behind him, Leland reached around the pipes, grabbed his shoulders, pulled him as far back towards her as she could. Had he been in a generous mood, he might have thought this some misguided attempt to protect him. Currently, though, he was feeling anything but generous, and viewed the act more like using him as a shield. The only thing that had kept him from grabbing hold of her hair and slamming her head into the wall over and over again had been the Batman's presence. Somehow he didn't think that would go over well.

So instead he'd been forced to act grudgingly civil toward her like he usually did, as though he actually gave a damn about anything she had to say. Stupid bitch. Did she think he couldn't see through every trick she'd tried? It was bad enough that she'd had the audacity to come sit by him in the first place. As if just because he hadn't killed her when he'd had the opportunity to do so in October, that made them friends. That did it; if he ever returned to Gotham, he was going to kill her along with the Bat.

Right as he made that decision, the Batman leapt up, moving between the cabinets and the door so that Crane's view was blocked. Maybe they'd kill each other in the Joker's struggle to get inside. Good. Too bad he didn't have the best view. He tried leaning forward, but Leland held on tighter. Yes, he'd definitely become a shield. That, or Tetch had said he was suicidal or something ridiculous and she was trying to keep him from walking to his death. Idiot.

"How did you get out?"

"See Bats, the interesting thing about hogtying someone is that the knot is right around the wrists." He didn't have to see the Joker to know that he was licking his lips. "You know, next to the hands. So you can untie it with almost no effort. Told you you should have used karada."

From what Crane could make out, he hadn't opened the door all the way yet. Odd, usually he came charging in with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face. Well, that probably indicated that he was hiding some horrible weapon out of sight. Joy.

"What happened to the others?"

Crane felt a new wave of anxiety hit him, as well as what passed for guilt, as much as he could feel it. He hadn't even thought about the fact that Joker must have fought his way to the door; that the others could be seriously injured or dead outside. Just because he hadn't heard a struggle didn't mean one hadn't happened. Now the only friends he'd ever had could be dead, because they'd made a misguided attempt to save him. I'm going to make him pay for that, even if it kills me. He tried getting up again, only to be pulled back into place.

"Jonathan, don't. It's not safe."

God damn her. And damn him too, for starving enough to get to the state where such a small woman could hold him so easily. Why choose now to start actually being concerned for him? Which he doubted she even was; this was likely just another façade to keep her shield.

"Nothing," the Joker said, singsong. A pause, then, "No, really. I didn't do anything, I'll show you. Can I come in?"

"Let him," said a voice from the hallway, which Crane realized, after a moment of confusion, was Nigma's. "It's fine, he won't try anything."

Eh? It was a meaningless thought, but at least his mind had broken the pattern of panicked obscenities. Lost as ever, he found himself glancing at Leland in spite of himself. She shrugged, confusion readily apparent on her face, and he used the slack in her grip to break free, trying and move forward to find out just what the hell was going on. She grabbed him again right before he could get out, dragging him backwards.

"Stay with me, Jonathan."

Oh, when I kill her it'll be slow and painful. "And if they need help?"

"Batman's there."

Was that meant to be reassuring, you fool? As if any of Gotham's criminals would be soothed by the Batman's presence. He was coming up with some suitably rude response when the Batman stepped back, allowing him to see what was going on.

The Joker entered the room, hands help up to show that he was weaponless—or at least, didn't have a weapon readily available. Behind him followed Nigma, holding in his hand the pistol Joker had dropped during the fight with Batman over Jonathan, barrel pointed at the clown's back.

The hell?

Leland, apparently, was also perplexed. "Edward, what's going on?"

Nigma blinked, scanned the room before glancing below the sink. Joker also noted their position and giggled. "The Joker wanted to talk. We figured this would be the safest way."

"You untied him?" the Batman asked, voice terrible enough to make Crane shuddered. Leland rubbed a hand over his back, and he fought back the urge to shout at her. Why couldn't he have had the sense to grab onto her when she first came over, use her as a hostage to get out of this mess? He could have slapped himself for that lapse in judgment.

Oh well. What's done was done, and it wasn't as if he'd been able to focus properly with the Batman less than three feet away, after all.

"Of course not," Nigma said, a contempt in his voice that Crane had only ever heard directed at the Joker. "He got loose on his own, but we were expecting that. We had the weapons trained on him."

"Where's the flamethrower?"

"Still in the hall. We thought it best not to have that in such a tight space."

Crane took mild offense to that. His bathroom wasn't that small. The apartment itself was tiny, yes, but the bathroom was actually rather large in comparison. Any bathroom capable of fitting two people under the sink would have to be.

"What about Pamela and Jervis?" Leland asked. "And Harley?"

"We're out here," Isley called from the hallway.

"Of course, of course; just what I was going to remark myself."

"Yeah." Harley's voice, the smallest he'd heard it since the night they got into a car crash, running from the Joker.

"What are they doing?" The Bat's question echoed his thoughts exactly.

"Watching Harley. She didn't take too well to seeing a gun pointed at him." Nigma tilted his head towards the Joker. "We had to tie her hands."

"With what?" Crane asked, finding his voice for the first time since they'd come in.

"Your sheets."

Damn it. No respect, there was no respect for his things. He wondered why he'd expected that there would be.

"What do you want?" Batman had moved out of his line of sight, but Crane could tell by his impatience that he was addressing the Joker.

In contrast to the Batman's terseness, Joker looked thrilled at being spoken to. "I wanted to talk to Jonny, Bats. It's sorta private…don't suppose I could convince you to step out for a minute?"

"No."

"Figures." The Joker let out a loud, fake sigh, glanced back at Nigma. "Can I sit down without getting shot?" Upon receiving a nod, he lowered himself, slowly, to the floor. "Hello, kitten."

"What the hell do you want?" Ah, and his sense of self-preservation had gone again. Had he not been so emotionally drained, Crane might have been sad to see it go. Frightened, anyway.

"Just to talk. God, you're paranoid." He shook his head, glanced at Leland. "You're taking him back, right? 'Cause he really needs it."

"Will you leave him alone if I take him back?" Leland asked, in the same forced calm she'd spoken to Crane with. As if it fools anyone, he thought, with a slight shake of his head.

"That's what I wanted to talk about, actually." He turned back to Crane, gave a grin of ridiculous proportions. "I've been thinking, and good news, scaredy cat, I'm not gonna try to kill you anymore."

He stared, as he'd been doing so often as of late. Like before, his mind recognized the words, but couldn't comprehend them in that order. Couldn't do anything but sit there, trying and failing to fire synapses.

"No, no, really, it's nothing, you don't have to thank me," the Joker said flatly, staring at him. "Way to be grateful, Jonny."

"Why on Earth should he believe you?" the Batman asked, sounding as if he didn't believe a word of it himself.

"Because. I'm giving him my word. I'd even do that whole pinkie swear thing, but I'm betting the Riddler here would blow my head off if I lay a finger on him. And I'm a man of my word, Bats. You of all people should know that."

"Your word means whatever you want it to mean," Nigma said. He sounded surprised; Crane guessed Joker hadn't told them the specifics of what he'd come in here to say. "And yes, I'd shoot you."

The clown sighed, for real this time, rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll promise in a way that I can't twist, all right? Jonathan Crane, I give you my word that I will not try to kill you, or injure you to the point of near death just to stop right before things get fatal, or sneak into your cell or anywhere else you're at Arkham and hurt you, be it physically, emotionally, or mentally. 'Kay?"

For a moment he could only keep staring. "W-why?"

"Why what?"

"You know what." Great, now he'd talked back. He flinched, pushing himself further into Leland's arms by accident, but of course the blow didn't come. It wouldn't, not with a pistol pointed at the Joker's head. Crane had no doubt that the man was mad enough to kill himself to achieve things, but not for something as insignificant as this. It was one thing to be run over by the Batman in a battle of wills, quite another to get shot for slapping an ex. "Why did you suddenly decide to stop, assuming you're not lying?"

"I'm not lying." His tone stayed mostly friendly, as if he was speaking to a frightened child, but Crane didn't miss the hint of malice there. "And as to why." He ran his tongue over his lips, out of the corners of his mouth to brush against the scars. "Why did God create angels?"

Once more he could do no more than sit there, gaping. "What?"

"Why did God create angels?" He now sounded like he was speaking to a frightened, stupid child.

"What does that have to do with anything?" the Batman asked, before Crane could do it himself.

"It has to do with everything."

"To worship Him," Crane said, brows knitting in confusion almost strong enough to allay his anxiety.

"Yep." He smacked his lips on the p. "But what about humans? They were created after, and for the same purpose, weren't they?"

"…Yes?" Was there a point to this, or was it just the buildup to some terrible torture or mindfuck? He felt Leland's hand moving over his back again, and felt almost comforted, in spite of himself.

"So why create human life? He already had the angels. What made Adam and Eve any different?"

"Free will." Nigma said.

The Joker nodded. "Somewhat. They can choose whether or not to follow God, but they aren't called to sin in the same manner as humans. See, humans are tempted by earthly vices. Angels see God in all His glory and know He's the greatest of all. Angels are only tempted to become like God themselves; letting themselves be ruled by pride. Angels may understand Him better than humans, but their view is black and white; with or against and no middle ground. Know what I call that?" He waited, and when no one provided the answer, said, "Boring. And Jonny, you're my angel, see?"

He almost shook his head in disgust. "All that, just to tell me I've become boring to you?"

"No, silly. To make sure you understand, so you'll know that when I say I'm not gonna hurt you, you'll believe me. You're not gonna do that on your own, you're way too paranoid." He gave Crane a glance over, tsked as he shook his head. "See, you're my angel in more than just a nickname, Jonathan. I made you what you are." He lifted his hand, pointed to the scars sticking out from under the hem of Jonathan's sleeve. "I didn't cut those, but I'm why they're there. So they're nothing you need to be embarrassed about, you couldn't help it."

Crane hated himself for feeling relief at hearing that.

"But the thing is, Jonny, I made you exactly what you are. It took no outside influence, just me. And if you turn away, it'll only take me to bring you back, or me to decide to punish you for it. Just like Lucifer, your sin was pride. You thought your value to me was greater than it really was. Much as I love you, angel, that's boring. I need a person that's…" he pursed his lips, casting about for a phrase. "That's not broken. That won't grab onto me and ignore the rest of the world just 'cause I'm the first person to spark something in 'im. A human, not an angel. Someone who can listen to outside temptations and choose to ignore my word or follow me, or sit conflicted in the middle. You can't do that."

"I am not your creation," Crane said, going cold in Leland's grasp. "And you are not the only influence in my life."

"Honey, it would take a month maybe, at most, of my being nice to you to put you right back in my arms again. Hell, you were seconds away from confessing your love when I had a damn razor to your throat." He smirked, expression softened after a moment, voice disturbingly sincere. "You're never going to be a challenge because you're broken. Don't be upset; you can't help that and I understand. I can break you more, or I can fix you, but you'll never fix yourself. And I need someone who can do that." His eyes flicked, briefly, in the Batman's direction. "Or try, anyway."

He stood, almost backing into Nigma and not seeming to care, holding his hand out to Crane. "So c'mon, angel. Let's go back, all right?"

AN: You know, I have no idea if the Joker is religious or not. It just struck me as an analogy he'd use, and I think he's got a bit of a God complex. When he was yelling for Batman to hit him with the Batpod in TDK, I'm not sure if it was because he was willing to be killed to make Bruce break his rule, or if he was insane enough to believe that it wouldn't hurt him.

Anyway, if all the religious talk offended anyone, I apologize. I was definitely not trying to push a viewpoint. I'm not even really religious.