Another chapter. These things write themselves some times.

Except this chapter, I had to rewrite it four times. I was getting irritated with how things were going.

So I poured my heart into this chapter.

Thank you for the reviews. I'm glad you guys like it so much.

So this is the tearful chapter. It just has a lot of Bella's thoughts in it.

But do me a favor, go to youtube and play GLITTERING BLACKNESS BY EXPLOSIONS IN THE AIR for this chapter.

Here's the url: .com/watch?v=qtD83arCtbU

RECAP: "Shut up," Edward spoke before he kissed me, hard.
Oh sweet God.

Everything about Edward was hard.

His body, his kiss, his touch, and the words he spoke through a kiss.

The feelings were hard.

The emotions were hard.

The passion was hard.

His lips were warm against my cold ones, his red and mine pink.

I kissed him harder.

I didn't care if I hurt him, I wanted to feel.

If this was the last time I could be with anyone physically, then I was going to put my all into it.

I bit his lip as we tumbled around. I couldn't see anything; only heard the sounds of random objects being hit and our clothes rubbing against each other.

Edward pushed us on a bed, a twin size, limbs hitting the wall and shoes being kicked off.

"You better work fast, Romeo," I gasped between his lips on mine.

He didn't say anything, just pressed his wet lips to mine. His hands crushed me into his chest and my legs wrapped around his; our bodies entangled.

I never wanted to leave this uncomfortable position.

His hands were on my cheeks now, his lips slow and still hard.

His breath was ragged, his cheeks warm, and his whole body pushing for more.

We wanted more. More and more and more and more and more.

We couldn't get enough of each other and I wanted to cry for finding this man and laugh for the funny moments we had and smile for the bliss he brought me in the last twenty-four hours. For if I was to die in a month then this had been the happiest day of my life.

For one day, I wasn't sick.

For one day, I wasn't a problem.

I was alive and Bella. I was happy and witty. I was my old self, someone I had said goodbye to a long time ago. I wasn't beating myself up internally for what had happened to me, I wasn't asking why this had happened to me. I was rejoicing in the way this man made me feel and I was okay if it went all away tomorrow.

Because I had gotten this one day.

This one day was bigger than my parents getting back together.

It was bigger than having my sibling born.

It was bigger than moving away from everything I knew to be with Jake.

It was bigger than finding out I was dying.

This was the day I had started to live again.

Life was colorless, bland, and boring, until today. I was already letting the disease take over because that's what I thought was going to happen.

But Edward made me want to fight.

He made me not want to take this lying down. He made me want to stand on top of the world and scream a big "FUCK YOU!" to the sun.

To the air.

To the sky.

To the grass.

To the wonderful scent of the wind.

To all the things that I would miss.

The dirt.

The rain.

The clouds.

The sunlight.

The stars.

I was going to miss everything that most people took for granted.

And there was nothing I could do, except now.

I could live anyway I wanted to now.

In a short while, I would be gone, but I wasn't going down without a fight.

Bring it on, Cancer.

You don't scare me.

You don't make me nervous.

You make me appreciate harder.

You make me love harder.

You make me live harder.

Just like Edward's body.

Just like Edward's kiss.

Just like Edward's feelings.

They were hard.

I was hard.

We were hard.

Life was hard.

Everything is hard.

But that doesn't give me a reason to give up.

The best things in life are hard.

Edward was hard….and he was the best.

We weren't screwing each other's brains out.

Though I wasn't complaining.

We weren't making love.

We were living.

Living in the moment.

Living for the first time in months.

Living for the now.

So thank you, Cancer.

Thank you for pushing me.

Thank you for the wake-up call.

Thank you for making me clean out my life.

Goodbye, Jake.

Goodbye, parents.

You've made me happy.

But not as happy as I am right now.

Thank you, family.

Thank you, friends.

Thank you for affecting me in ways that changed me.

Because that's what people did in your life. They changed you based off of their beliefs, wants, and desires.

It doesn't take a lifetime to affect someone.

It takes two seconds. Because from the second I saw Edward, I knew he would affect me. I knew he would change me.

The man I had known the shortest amount of time, I had been changed the most from.

And so my biggest thanks of all, is to the man pressing into me hard. The one who is digging at my jeans, trying to unbutton them. The one who pushed my hands away when I tried to cover up my chest when he tore off my shirt. The one who is swirling his tongue around my naval, making me giggle and squeal like a schoolgirl. The one who is licking the crease between my thigh and hip bone. The one who is between my legs, pressing his tongue into me hard. The one who is causing me to squirm and having to push my legs back onto the bed because I'm so close. The one who is divulging into me, telling me secrets with his tongue, his kiss, his touch, his words, his feelings, his ways.

The glittering blackness took over as my whole body clenched when Edward pressed himself into me. The explosions in the darkness were majestic and made me want to scream poetry. I locked myself to him. He pushed deeper, sheathing himself completely in me. He grunted, I moaned, he groaned, I growled, he grumbled. I sucked on his neck to tease him into joining me in this divine bliss.

So maybe this malignant tumor growing was a blessing.

Crazy, isn't it? That something that is life-threatening is a blessing.

That if we didn't have the bad, we wouldn't want to move on and keep going; and if we were happy all the time, we'd want to stay in this one place, stationary. But because of this, this thing, I was going to keep going, move on as far as I could.

I sucked in a breath as his fingers danced across my skin and I said two words into his skin.

"Thank you."

And then he came as well.

His body trembled and I could feel my body fill with him, all the way to ears and down to my toes. I breathed happily and he breathed raggedly. I sighed in contentment and he chuckled. I kissed his chest and he smelled my hair.

The silence between us said it all.

We were good.

I was good.

He was good.

I was going to be okay.

Better than okay.

All because I had found something to live for.

Not for Edward.

Not for me.

But for this feeling.

This feeling of happiness.

Of giddiness.

Of jolly.

Of hope.

I wanted it and I wanted it all the time.

It was just a simple realization that life was a whole lot bigger than me and him, that I had no right to worry myself with his reaction because there were millions of others out there putting themselves on the line every day.

I am just a small fragment of all that chaos.

I closed my eyes and tried to remember this moment for anytime I need to think about it.

Edward sighed and traced my arm with his fingers, my fingers pressing into his sides. We lay there for a few minutes, silent, until we started hearing people out in the living room.

"Let's just stay in here forever," Edward said against my head.

"No, I need to get up and go on," I said absentmindedly.

"You're going to be okay," Edward whispered.

"I know that now."

"Better than okay."

"I'm going to be good."

"You already are good."

I unwrapped myself from his arms and started getting dressed. Edward sat up in bed, wrapped his arms around me, his hand palming my chest.

My scars.

My insecurities.

My deformity.

But also, my drive.

My drive to be better.

To be harder.

I accepted my fate. Whatever it may be.

If I live, I live.

If I die, I die.

But I will live until the end.

Whenever that may be.

Everyone has to die some time.

I am okay with that, now.

All because of this man and the way he made me feel.

Feelings I hadn't truly felt, until now.

"Don't let this take you away," Edward whispered into my shoulder blade.

"I'm not," I replied. "I'm in control of it."

"That's my girl."

"Why do you think we met?"

"It was destiny."

And before I could start crying or laughing or say something smartass.

His mother walked in.

I whipped on my shirt, hopefully before she could see anything.

"WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?!"

"Mom, get out," Edward said laughing.

I chuckled too.

Carlisle was behind her, shaking his head. His back was to us, to give us some privacy.

Unlike Mrs. Cullen.

"Edward Anthony Mason Cullen, what's gotten into you?"

"Actually I think he got into me," I responded giggling.

Edward snorted.

I laughed harder.

My stomach hurt from all the laughter.

I gripped the sheets, digging my nails into them, trying to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

This was fabulous.

The embarrassment, the post-coital atmosphere, and the epiphany couldn't help but make me break out in smile.

Because when you're embarrassed, all you can do is smile.

Because when you've just been laid, all you can do is smile.

Because when you've figure out a life lesson, all you can do is smile.

"Get out of my house," Mrs. Cullen seethed.

I grabbed my jeans and yanked them.

Probably just showing Mrs. Cullen my hoo-ha.

But I doubt she has seen hers in awhile.

She needs to get laid.

Carlisle Cullen, you need to tap that.

I grabbed my shoes and squeezed past the onlookers.

I walked down the hall, smiling and listening to a melody in my head.

One that made me happy and excited for the future.

I kept walking, my head held up high, past Jasper and Alice looking at me stunned.

Past the sounds of Mrs. Cullen yelling at Edward.

Past the famous portraits of family members.

Past the life I would never be a part of.

They would forget me.

They would move on.

I would never forget them though.

I would remember them as long as I could.

They made me realize.

They made me think.

They made me live.

So maybe Jake wasn't the problem.

Maybe he cared.

Maybe I didn't want someone who cared.

I wanted someone who made me live.

Who was the reason to get out of bed in the morning.

But it couldn't be someone else.

It had to be for me.

It had to be to not be defeated.

It had to be to win.

I was a winner.

I was a fighter.

I might lose this fight.

But I wouldn't be defeated.

I walked to the stairs, walked down them.

A hop in my step.

A skip in my stride.

I walked out into the night and for the first time, I looked at my surroundings.

I saw people laughing. I saw people joking. I saw friends. I saw families.

I wasn't jealous for the first time.

I was happy that I got to see it.

I smiled the whole way back to my hotel.

The room was dark and everything lay right where I left it. I sat down on the bed and fell backwards, sighing.

Over and over again.

Just to calm the happy in my heart.

I don't know why I was so happy.

Maybe it was because I was alive.

Or I knew when I was going to leave this celestial planet unlike most people.

I knew something that most people wanted to know.

I grabbed the phone, dialing a number I knew by heart.

"Hello?" I heard a groggily voice speak.

"I miss you," I whispered.

"Bella?"

"Yea, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry. If I ever did something to hurt you."

"Babe, who is that?" I heard in the background.

"Looks like I didn't hurt you too bad," I sighed.

This wouldn't ruin my night.

It hurt a little.

But considering that I had something growing in my chest that hurt a lot, I could take this.

"Bella, I can explain."

"You don't have to."

"No, you don't understand."

"Goodnight, Jake. I'll be home tomorrow to get my things."

I hung the phone up and curled into a ball.

I stayed with Jake for so long and I guess I didn't see him moving on so fast.

As fast as I did.

I was happy for him.

He was my friend.

He had been for a long time.

I couldn't sleep.

I needed to not waste time, do something, plan, make decisions, live, anything.

I walked to the window and stared out the window, and then it hit me.

I was fully aware that I was dying alone.

The tears started. They escaped from my eyes and poured out of my soul, sobs escaped and burned my chest, making me cough and grip my deformed chest. The wet drops burned the corners of my eyes and made it hard to breathe. The blubbering ripped through my chest and made me cry harder, never wanting to give up this beautiful life I had been given.

I had been blessed and I had been given a gift.

A gift of life; hopes and dreams came and went, but a life, now that was something you could never come and go.

I swallowed the tears, tasted the salt running down my throat, and tried to cease the red nose, the puffy eyes, and the swollen lips.

I had been so happy to be alive that I forgot that it was okay to be sad.

I wanted to be so happy that I forgot that I needed to deal with the sadness first.

I was grateful I had been alone when I fell to pieces, had my heart broken at the realization that this was it.

This was the end of my life and the beginning of the end.

What happens when you die?

I couldn't even think about that question right now, it hurt too much.

I couldn't focus on just dying and that is it.

No there had to be something else.

A heaven. Or a place to go to be eternally happy.

Just like I was tonight.

I heard a knock on my door.

It was three in the morning, who would be coming here? I wiped my face and stretched it out, hoping to hide the unmistakable signs that I had been crying. I opened the door and found him standing there.

He held up a bag of Chinese takeout.

"Let's eat," he ordered. He marched in and started throwing boxes on the bed. I followed him and got under the covers, my arm underneath my head, holding it up. He passed me chopsticks and I took them and started shoveling orange chicken into my mouth.

"I would sell my body for orange chicken" I spoke.

"That's why I brought it."

"You trying to get laid again?"

"I will always be trying to get into your pants."

"I think you mean, try to get me out of my pants."

"That too."

"Mmm," I hummed as the tangy flavor hit my senses and made life seem a little less difficult.

"Orange chicken makes everything better," he replied.

"You have no idea."

"How are things?"

"Good. I got through the crying and now I think I'll just be getting weaker without any of the sad-looking eyes or the tearful goodbyes on my end."

"I don't think that's how it works."

"It does in my world, so don't be a butthead."

"A butthead?"

"Your face kind of looks like an ass."

"Does your ass have perfectly-structured jaws?"

"No, but it is smooth like your cheeks."

"Which cheeks are we talking about?"

"Your face," I said pressing my finger on his strong cheekbone.

We stayed silent.

"How's your mom?"

"Well after you so rudely left me there, I got lectured on how I am spending time with the wrong sort of people and that I need to get my act together."

"Sounds harsh, Momma's Boy."

"I think it was after Esme's voice got higher and higher, breaking her good glassware, that I realized something."

"And what's that?"

"That I am taking you to the next family gathering."

"I bet your mom loves Jasper now."

"Oh she's already planning their wedding, Alice says thanks."

"Well at least some good came of it."

"More than you know, actually. Carlisle and I actually had a real conversation in years after you left."

"Was it about how I have a crush on blonde married men?"

"It was about how happy I am."

"Are you happy?"

"You know, I'm still figuring that out."

"I'm happy," I replied.

"You sure look happy."

"Well before the tear-fest, I couldn't stop smiling. Even after I called Jake who was in bed with another girl."

"What did bitch-tits say?"

"That he wanted to explain."

"What did you say?"

"That I'd be home to get my stuff in the morning."

"When is your train leaving?"

"Five. I need to start packing up and getting a move on."

We ate more orange chicken, telling stories of dreams, desires, and childhoods. He asked about my family, and I told him the basics.

That I didn't belong in the picture.

He scoffed.

And I told him I wasn't looking for pity. I was fine with it.

Because I was.

Just because someone is blood-related to you doesn't make them family.

He agreed with that.

I said they didn't need a burden on them. It would be cruel to put that on someone.

I packed my stuff up in my bag and put on my jacket.

Edward through the trash away and picked up his guitar case.

"Do you ever go anywhere without that?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"She's the love of my life," Edward replied.

"It is a guitar."

"I was talking about you."

I blushed.

I fucking blushed.

FUCK MY LIFE.

Could you just get it together?

Like seriously, Bella. The boy says one thing and you blush.

Way to fucking go.

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!

We walked out of the hotel, after paying the cheap bill, and grabbed a taxi to the train station. I hadn't asked Edward what he was doing. He should be going home to his family, not accompanying me to the train station.

We split the taxi and I walked to get my ticket. After receiving it, I searched for Edward until I saw him at the ticket booth. He walked toward me after he was done.

"What are you doing?"

"Well, I can't let my wife travel alone."

His smirk was tantalizing.

DAMN YOU!

"Cut the crap, Cullen."

"Now, is that any way to talk to your hubby?"

"I can't believe I married you," I said pushing his head away from me while we walked toward the train.

"Look, we're already fighting like an old-married couple."

We joked. We laughed. We argued. We yelled. We made faces. We smirked. We smiled.

We were good.

Goodbye New York.

Hello unknown.

So I know it looks like Bella is bipolar...going from happy to sad so quickly.

But she's dealing with so many emotions below the surface that she doesn't even get it. It's going to boil and boil until she just gets it out. Who knows when she's going to burst and just break down?

The anger at Jake, the hurt from her parents, the intense feelings she has for Edward, the way she was treated by Esme...it's a lot to deal with and she's doing the best she can.

Remember, this is a journey. Edward is having his own dilemmas. But he got through one of them today: his relationship with Carlisle. It was a big thing for him, all thanks to Bella.

They're both falling in love with each other and they don't know it. One of the main things I wanted Bella to learn she learned in this chapter: that you need the bad to get to the good. Make sense?

Thoughts??

P.S. To answer some questions. Yes, it is kind of like Gilmore dinners. LOL. and American Idol should be done naked. Also, Carlisle gay? I'd cry my eyes out. Robert Pattinson gay? I'd get surgery to become a man (ha only you guys would understand an obsession like that). Esme bitchy? It's fun. There was one draft I had where she said some REALLY mean things to Bella...I felt hurt just typing them. And last but not least, I'm sorry if you read this and woke up your brother... but that is quite hilarious and I applaude you.