Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. Kirk isn't mine but we're working on that.
A/N: Just a warning, this is probably the most random chapter yet.
Warning: CRACK. Also, lame inside jokes for people who know Trek.
The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek XI
Chapter 4: Spock versus Kirk
In the film, Jim was just getting warmed up. He tried all sorts of ways to emotionally compromise Spock, and it looked like he was succeeding, partially. Chekov and Sulu finally decided to come back to the room and watch the movie.
"Wait!" Bones pulled out a universal remote and paused the movie.
Shouts of, "The hell?", "Why did you do zat?", and "Most illogical!" could be heard in protest.
"Seriously, Bones, why'd you pause the movie?" Kirk wanted to know.
"Before we get to the fight, I wanted to know what you thought of Spock thinking you needed to be broken." Kirk gave him an uncomprehending look.
"Huh?" Bones sighed.
"Were you not paying attention during that part?"
"Guess not," Kirk apologized.
"If you weren't so caught up in impressing Mr. Senile Senior Citizen here," Bones motioned to the elderly Vulcan.
"I'm not trying to impress him!" Kirk protested, sneaking a look at the amused Spock Prime. "And for the last time, he's not senile! Now, rewind and show me the part I missed."
"You know, that is not entirely necessary, Doctor," Spock cut in.
"Well, I deem that it is necessary, so we're going to watch that part again." Bones glared at Spock, who raised an eyebrow in response.
They played back the scene where McCoy mentioned to Spock that if they were going to ride in the Kentucky Derby, they shouldn't leave their prize stallion in the stables. To which Spock replied, a stallion must first be broken.
Kirk laughed so hard, he fell right off the couch.
"Jim, are you alright?" Spock Prime asked with concern.
"I'm fine," Kirk replied, still wheezing from McCoy and Spock's exchange. "Oh, man, that is EPIC! So let me get this straight. You," he pointed to Bones, "compared me to a prize stallion, and you" he pointed to the young Spock, "think I need to be broken."
"Now wait a minute," Bones growled at the same time Spock said,
"That is not entirely accurate."
"That's what I heard," Uhura agreed, joining forces with Kirk for once in order to tease her boyfriend. "Right, Chekov?"
"Zat is what I heard!" The Russian happily affirmed.
"Me too," Sulu quickly agreed.
"Ach, lass, ah heard it all the way from in here!" Scotty yelled from the kitchen.
"Dammit, Jim, it was a metaphor," Bones growled.
"I know," said Kirk, still chuckling. "Spock, what's your excuse?"
"I was merely stating the fact that Cadet Kirk must learn to respect and obey authority," Spock added. "If I had known that Mr. Kirk would later hear my statement, I would have chosen my words more carefully."
"So, Spock, do you think that you're the one to teach me about obeying authority?" Kirk asked. The tips of his ears tinged green when he noticed Kirk's smirk directed at him.
"I did not say that," said Spock, glancing over at Uhura for help. But like the rest of the crew, she was having too much fun watching Spock be teased.
"Why, Spock, you're not embarrassed by your comment, are you?" McCoy teased.
"Embarrassment is not logical," Spock replied, looking pointedly away from Kirk.
"I can tell you from personal experience, Spock is embarrassed," Spock Prime volunteered.
"Fascinating. Even myself gangs up on me," Spock observed, wanting very much to beam the hell out of there. "Will the Spock torture never cease?"
"Did somebody say TORTURE?" Nero leapt up.
"Sit back down, sir," Ayel soothed him. "We don't have access to our torture instruments at the moment."
"Aww." Judging from his pout, Nero seemed rather disappointed.
"Why do Nero and Ayel remind me of Mr. Burns and Smithers from the Simpsons?" Kirk wondered.
"Gross, Jim," Bones muttered. "Your dirty mind never ceases to amaze me."
"Why don't we move on with the movie?" Pike suggested, wanting to escape the moment of awkward creepiness. Everyone agreed, and Bones fast-forwarded to where they left off before.
Kirk's insults flew right and left. Once he accused Spock of never loving his dear mother, the poor Vulcan lost it, taking his fury at Nero out on Kirk. Rapid blows fell as Kirk tried in vain to defend himself from the raging Vulcan.
"Jim, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to let him win," Bones mused as the onscreen Kirk got his ass handed to him.
"Shut up, Bones," Kirk grumbled as he watched himself take a particularly rough punch. "I wasn't trying to win, I was trying to take command. And it worked too, eventually." Jim gasped for breath as Spock's abnormally hot fingers closed around his delicate throat, choking the life from him…
"Spock, I know he insulted your mother and all, but did you really have to lose control like that?" Uhura wondered, sounding a little worried. "If it had been me doing the insulting, would you have responded in the same way?"
"You would not insult my mother for any reason, therefore the question is irrelevant," Spock replied.
"I can provide my insights on the matter if you like, Miss Uhura," the older Spock offered.
"Pardon me, but I do not believe she was asking you," Spock sneered.
"Spock, you don't have to be so mean to him!" Uhura frowned slightly. "I like your older self. He's such a sweetheart." She smiled kindly at the old Spock, and patted his arm. He returned her sentiment.
"I can assure you that my older self does not appreciate being referred to as such," the young Vulcan insisted.
"On the contrary, I find your sentiment to be endearing," Spock Prime returned, nodding at Uhura. "You are quite more spirited than the Uhura of my time. Perhaps that is why you have caught his eye." Uhura looked pleased with herself as Spock Prime continued on. "Nevertheless, the only one who has ever caused myself to lose control of my emotions save for my father, is Jim Kirk. This was the case especially during my time of-" Kirk smirked when Spock prevented his counterpart from revealing too much, too soon. All in good time…
"Thank you for your insights," Spock cut him off loudly. "But we do not require an autobiography. It is not logical to share events which have not yet occurred, especially since my universe is an alternative to yours. I cannot understand why my elder self seems to have abandoned the principles of logic."
"You would do well to remember that logic is not the end but the beginning of all things," Spock Prime advised.
"Spock, I think you just got schooled by yourself," Jim pointed out with glee.
"Did your Kirk try your patience as much as this one does?" Spock asked himself.
"My Kirk was worse," said Spock Prime.
"I do not believe that is possible as your Kirk was undoubtedly more mature," Spock commented as he developed a massive headache. He couldn't imagine anyone being any more infuriating than the James Tiberius Kirk before him.
"I like this ship!" Scotty announced on screen, alerting everyone that they had just missed the conclusion on the fight.
"Dammit!" Bones cursed.
"Is that like your favorite word or something? Cause you sure say it a lot." Gaila wanted to know.
"I can't help it if 'dammit' is my favorite word!" McCoy's lower lip trembled, which prompted Christine Chapel to give him a hug.
"There, there, Leonard," she soothed. "Which you like me to get you a hypo?"
"Y-you would do that for me?" Bones blubbered.
"I would do anything for you, doctor," Christine confessed, batting her eyelashes and flipping her long, blonde hair at him.
"Gag me with a spoon," Ayel sniffed in distaste as the nurse rushed back to sickbay to find a sedative for Bones.
"This is coming from the man who spooned with Nero a few chapters back," Pike pointed out.
"Would you like to know what my favorite word is?" Spock Prime offered out of the blue.
"No!" Spock exclaimed at the same time Kirk shouted,
"Hell yes!"
"I shall give you a hint," Spock Prime compromised as an anxious Chapel came running back with a sedative. "It starts with a t-" Spock hated to do it, really he did, but desperate times called for desperate measures. So he grabbed the hypo from Nurse Chapel and stuck it in Spock Prime's neck.
"Nooo!" Kirk screamed as Spock Prime flinched from the hypo. "Nobody hurts Spock Prime while I'm around." Bones rolled his eyes, having promptly recovered from his self-esteem issue.
"It's just a sedative, Jim. It's not going to hurt him." Spock Prime promptly passed out, going completely limp in Kirk's arms.
"But he's like 154 years old!" Kirk sniffed as he protectively cradled Spock Prime's head. "What if it really does make him reach the point of senility?"
"Let's just get back to the movie, ok?" Bones tried to placate his distressed friend.
"But-but, Spock Prime will miss this part!" Poor Kirk looked like he was about to cry.
"Do not cry, Keptin!" Chekov cried. "I'm sure old Spock vill not mind missing this part."
"Yeah," Sulu added.
"That's it?" Kirk frowned at Sulu. "Just, yeah? That's your only friendly word of support for the awesomest captain in Starfleet?" The Asian-American shrugged.
"I couldn't think of anything else to say."
"Then why say anything at all?" Kirk wanted to know.
"Because everyone knows that I have to say something right after Chekov. It's like the law or something," Sulu explained.
"I swear, nobody ever sends me the memos about new Starfleet regulations," sighed Kirk. He looked mildly pissed. "Whatever. Back to the movie."
"Wait a minute, Jim." Kirk sighed.
"What now, Bones?"
"I just wanted to point out that during your fight with Spock that you kept touching his hand with your hand. That's a like a major Vulcan taboo." Kirk shrugged.
"What in Scotland's name?!" Scotty yelled from the kitchen. "How could ye do such a thing?"
"Has this action offended you, Mr. Scott?" Spock wanted to know. The younger Spock, rather, because Old Spock was still passed out on Kirk's lap.
"No, ah was just talking to my spilled sandwich. Now ah have to start all over."
"What a tragedy," Spock deadpanned.
"Duh, I had to touch his hand," Kirk sighed. "He was trying to choke me to death. I was trying to get him OFF. What part of that don't you understand?!!?!"
"Yeah, but you looked like you were enjoying the fight a little too much for me to believe that," Bones mused.
"You really did," Uhura agreed. "It was almost like you took pleasure in being choked by Spock. Course, that's not really that surprising. It doesn't take much for you, does it Kirk?"
"Moi?" Kirk gave her his most innocent face, which didn't fool her in the slightest. "Well, it's not my fault if people think the Spock versus Kirk fight was sexy. I've found at least three fanvids of the fight set to Lady Gaga songs on youtube!" Nero and Ayel pointedly looked away. Because they weren't responsible for the creation of those fanvids, not at all.
"Ok, let's take a vote," Pike offered. "Who thinks Kirk had a little too much fun during his fight with Spock?" Everyone in the room raised their hand except for Spock. Kirk raised both of his hands and so did Spock Prime even though he was unconscious.
"Now that that's settled," said Bones, putting the movie back on. Spock was not pleased, even when Kirk insisted he'd only been joking when he raised his hands.
Spock had just declared himself emotionally compromised and left the bridge with Sarek, to find out that Sarek loved his mother after all.
"You know, Spock, you didn't have to leave the bridge just because I became captain," said Kirk.
"That was not why I left," Spock clarified. "My father had been suffering from the effects of the severed bond with my mother. Apparently it is the most painful feeling in the universe, and I could not leave him alone during such a trying time. Not that any of you could know that, of course."
"Actually…" Spock Prime stirred on Kirk's lap. "I can confirm this. I grieve with your father - nothing has pained me more than the death of my bondmate."
"Oh please," Spock shook his head. He didn't want to think about losing Uhura but the fact remained that his lifespan was as twice as hers. "Do I really want to know?"
"Probably not," Spock Prime inferred.
"Keptin Kirk, Keptin Kirk!" Chekov exclaimed onscreen.
"Yes, Mr. Chekov, what is it?" The young Russian explained to his captain how he had come up with a plan for them to travel towards Earth under a cloak of inwisibility thanks to one of Titan's moons. Sulu immediately agreed with the boy genius, as did Mr. Scott. Spock decided it would be a good idea to beam aboard the Narada to dismantle the drill once they reached their destination. Kirk wasn't about to let Spock go alone. Spock agreed to take Kirk along because it was better than having to listen to him talk. Kirk was thrilled to be given the chance to get to know Spock better and slapped him on the shoulder. Hard. Spock was not amused.
"Ooh, here comes another one of my favorite scenes!" Chapel squealed. "Spock and Uhura make out on the transporter while Kirk and Scotty have to watch and hope that someday they will stop dating each other." Spock and Uhura cuddled up together again on the couch in preparation for their epic goodbye scene. They were so involved in each other that they didn't hear Chapel's comment.
"Most ironic," Spock Prime commented.
"Hey, Scotty, get in here," Kirk yelled. "Come share the moment."
"I'll be right there, Captain!" Scotty entered the room, staggering under the weight of a two foot Dagwood sandwich with lots of extra bacon. He also brought a grapefruit for Kirk. They were going to need the food to get through this. Scotty would totally fight Spock for the hand of the beautiful lassie, except for the fact that Vulcans are three times stronger than humans. If Captain Kirk was any indication, he'd get his ass whooped for sure!
"Oh well," Kirk and Scotty sighed in unison as they watched Spock take Uhura into his arms in preparation for their goodbye. "There's always the sequel."
End Ch. 4
A/N: TBC! The best is still yet to come.